lpunderground

ive gotten to the point where it almost bled last night. i dont even realize im doing it untill its over. i know i should stop, its just my ecsape.

night everyone, be safe, peace thats is for june 3,2005

but its soo hard.

thats cool. have u ever been depressed? i mean severly depressed? then you dont know what its like to have to control a urge.

like what i mean is instead of cutting or something like that you scratch till you bleed or it leaves marks? or is that just me?

how many times in one day can i be pissed? this is a convo between me and my friend. i am truthful taunts. truthful taunts: did u c what i typed before Mysteryskatr2121: ? Mysteryskatr2121: ya Mysteryskatr2121: im sry too Mysteryskatr2121: its just truthful taunts: k Mysteryskatr2121: ur not the only one out there truthful taunts: yea i understand truthful taunts: no i kow Mysteryskatr2121: we all have our deal of problems truthful taunts: i am selfish truthful taunts: i know im not 2 truthful taunts: but u have to understand i dont talk to anyone i bottle everything up its just my defense my protection truthful taunts: i just will back off ok Mysteryskatr2121: dont back off Mysteryskatr2121: u bottle it inside u Mysteryskatr2121: thats the problem truthful taunts: ive done it for 15 years im not gonna stop now Mysteryskatr2121: ur not gonna stop bein depressed Mysteryskatr2121: but u should see a friggen shrink truthful taunts: fine then ill deal with it truthful taunts: no truthful taunts: i refuse to truthful taunts: ill find a way around it Mysteryskatr2121: like wat? Mysteryskatr2121: cutting truthful taunts: i dont need fucking help from someone who is payed to analyze me like an object Mysteryskatr2121: burning truthful taunts: i dont cut or burn Mysteryskatr2121: they dont Mysteryskatr2121: they slowly get ur trust truthful taunts: u know how long it take me to trust someone truthful taunts: a very long time truthful taunts: anything is say to me that is harmful the trust is completely gone truthful taunts: and it wont ever b bulit up again truthful taunts: its the way i work truthful taunts: what did u want to say? Mysteryskatr2121: o Mysteryskatr2121: sry Mysteryskatr2121: i was talkin to my dad for a sec Mysteryskatr2121: but Mysteryskatr2121: once u get the persons trust u can tell them anything Mysteryskatr2121: i never told my shrink anything Mysteryskatr2121: but Mysteryskatr2121: he helped my parents truthful taunts: i dont need my parents involved truthful taunts: my mom is just as messed up if not worse truthful taunts: my dad has his own shit to worry about truthful taunts: i guess i really need to stop depending on my friends truthful taunts: ok? ill stop talking about me Mysteryskatr2121: no truthful taunts: and i can pretend to b happy and cheerful ok Mysteryskatr2121: please do truthful taunts: cause that will work for me Mysteryskatr2121: dont do that truthful taunts: i do it enough Mysteryskatr2121: but dont act all sad either truthful taunts: fine truthful taunts: smiles it is Mysteryskatr2121: but dont cover ur sad truthful taunts: dont worry ive become really good at masking my feelings so happy and cheerful Mysteryskatr2121: just like cutting Mysteryskatr2121: u set ur problems aside Mysteryskatr2121: and there masked truthful taunts: thats fine Mysteryskatr2121: no truthful taunts: ill deal with everyting later Mysteryskatr2121: cause thats wat u do wen u cut burn ect. truthful taunts: fine truthful taunts: i could care less right now Mysteryskatr2121: i kno somethin that will cheer u up Mysteryskatr2121: i can read braile with my scrotum truthful taunts: great truthful taunts: it didnt work truthful taunts: im already down in a whole im not gonna b out for a while truthful taunts: o wiat happy thoguht truthful taunts: IM HAPPY Mysteryskatr2121: wats ur happy thought Mysteryskatr2121: SHARE IT WITH ME! Mysteryskatr2121: it better b killing preps truthful taunts: pink effin rabis dancing on the ceeling Mysteryskatr2121: thats Mysteryskatr2121: good Mysteryskatr2121: but think of killing preps in ur school truthful taunts: why thats not HAPPY i wish i would die. i new my friends could care fucking less.

wow, the vp definitly had no right to do that. if i was in ur postion adn the vp broke my meteora cd there would have been some things flying like a chair or i would have beat him with the sketch book.but then again thats me. i guess hes not too big on variety. i say BURN HIM, hehe just kidding.he sounds like a real ass. good luck to u in getting him fired. ~LPU~

i feel down and shitty.

ok so welcome to the wonderful life of me -_-. i was all fine a hour of two ago, then i made something to eat and i lost my appitite. i am hungry but i dont see the need to eat. At the same time i feel like crying and puking. I am cold and clamy. i just had a huge scratching attack on my leg and now i suprised its not bleeding. Now i feel a headache comming on. I think actully i dont know what i think. i feel so hollow , no emotion in me. ill b happy one minute then i will cry the next. why is life so effin messed up. i guess i should talk to my friends but i hate to talk about me , i hate telling them how i feel i just have a hard time opening up to people. even people i trust. The grey fog chokes me (and no one cares) I hurt myself (and no one sees) I cry (and no one feels my pain) My fear consumes me (a death grip to rip me) My shadow once friendly (is now my enemy) My death is (nothing more then a cycle) The joker that sits in the corner (with a manic smile palstered on its lips) Laughs so generously at me (Pushing me into my shadow) Clowns at the door (are in my face) I now realize it is (my fear staring back at me) No one cares (what happenes to me) No one can be happy (with me around) Everyone just (doesnt hear my shallow voice) Dani

Hi People this is my first journal ever and i thought why not just make me a journal on here with out having to keep using Xanga so yup this is my journal yay.......for me .. Lpunderground

i also agree. once your in a dark place with no light at all its hard to find your way out. Friends say that they will help if u just ask but in a ll reality they have no clue what is going threw your head and what it is your feeling. i know how it feels to see live threw the negative. it is hard to look at the good when its only bad around you. its like the shadows are holding you back. my friend told me that everything will get better look forword to the furture. its a sprial somedays everything is all nice and pretty the next its thoughts of dying and things that you wish would go away. my other friend told me that i need to take risks more often once i told i did shes like no u just dont take risks that will hurt you emotionaly. sorry if its just a crap load of babbling and i know you dont know me but you can IM me at truthful taunts, sometimes its good to talk to someone you dont know. i wont say get help because its hard to get help. be safe daniella

thank you.

wow..im really sorry. Even though i dont know you i would be sad if u died(no im not all religious if thats what your thinking)just immence compassion. i have only thought about it but that has its effects too. my friend told me that everything will get better and i hold it to him but its hard, very hard so just hang in there it will get better eventully. ~daniella

There have been so many Things I have wanted to do (tempted to complete) Too mnay things that left scars (emotionaly i am drained) I cant take it anymore So just listen This is my final good bye My final smile my last breath Many things have lifted me up (only to plumit to the ground) Many things have brought me down Things have darkened (past shadows now turn cold) washed away to the endless rain Please just listen to my final plea This will be my final laugh My final tear My final Break This is my last attepmt to save anything that can be salveged This is my final farewell.

i have really had to controll my self to not cut. i have never cut just had to control the urges. i do write to express my feelings but it only keeps it in and its temperary. I have many friends who dont cut and they just dont get why i would want to do it. I have a friend who used to cut and she regrets it and now instead of cutting she wears a rubber band around her wrist and she snaps in when she feels like cutting. i have adopted that instead of cutting though its hard sometimes to just sit there and be all alone with no one to help.