12/31/07 Toons+

Pookie · Dec 31, 2007

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Click for a better backhand: 
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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter "W" And
Family: 
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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend
campaigning separately. It's a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa
offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take
Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo's hands til after the Super Bowl. 
Charlie Wilson's War opened Friday, about a
hard-drinking and coke-snorting and womanizing U.S. congressman who secretly
helped Muslim rebels beat the Soviet Army in Afghanistan in the Eighties. In
the end he felt betrayed. He helped Ronald Reagan to defeat the Soviets and
then Nancy Reagan thanked him by overthrowing his lifestyle.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates reported back to
Washington Friday following his fact-finding mission to Iraq. Despite recent
military success, the government remains completely dysfunctional. Perhaps
the United States isn't ready for democracy. 
Rudy Giuliani ordered his New York-bound plane to
turn around and return to St. Louis where he was hospitalized Wednesday. He
insisted on going to Barnes Jewish Hospital. He did not want any of Mike
Huckabee's people standing near the oxygen hose. 
House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with
approval ratings even lower than the president's. It's just awful. If
congressmen weren't allowed to wear their pants any higher than their
approval ratings, they'd all be doing Bill Clinton impressions. 

Barack Obama complained Thursday about his opponents
bringing up his past drug use. He admits using cocaine, but he now acts
wounded if anyone brings it up. Iowa voters are very upset that he used
cocaine, they believe he should have used ethanol. 
Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Saturday
in the lobby of a YWCA in the town of Manchester. She's always had a soft
spot in her heart for New Hampshire. The state's motto is Live Free or Die,
and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows. 
Mike Huckabee said the glowing cross over his
shoulder in his Christmas ad was accidental. He says that's just how the
light hit a bookcase behind him. As long as Mike Huckabee is campaigning,
how can Burger King call itself the Home of the Whopper? 
Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America's
promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once
tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned
down. They told her we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong. 
President Bush warned reporters on Thursday about
the danger of Iran's nuclear program. He really shouldn't worry. If history
is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes, unless
somebody draws a cartoon they don't like. 
Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he's
perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St.
Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary's campaign is
spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine. 
Democratic officials expressed worry Monday about
how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next
week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they
won't keep their promises. What goes around comes around. 
Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd
through the sunroof of her car. It's a campaign issue. Hillary called for
calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just
to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous. 
 -- Argus Hamilton

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 - - Leno 
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<img src="http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/7250/421e2007183hp0.gif">

 - - Letterman 

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<img src="http://cagle.com/working/071218/stahler.jpg">

The Israeli Ambassador at the United Nations began,
"Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an
old Passover story to all of you. 

"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward
the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.
The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a
mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water.
The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' contend. 

"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went
over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove
into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered
that al his clothes had been stolen. "And," he said, "I have reasons to
believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes." 

The Palestinian delegate, hearing this accusation,
jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely
known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!" 

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli
Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech." 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made
his way to the
pearly gates. There, he is greeted by GeorgeWashington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
yells Mr Washington,
slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You
wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches
Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I
allowed the
Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops
a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John
Randolph of Roanoke,
James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty
and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him
up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot
destination, he screams
"This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you.
What the hell did you think I said?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls
President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I
could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a
banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmoud
replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you
called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could
see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house
flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud
asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read
Hebrew."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chelsea Clinton was departing her plane at the
airport and came upon a soldier and proceeded to talk to him.
She asked him where he had been, to which he replied
"Baghdad". She praised him for what he had done for the country and asked
"Were you scared?"

He replied, "No, but I am scared about what I am
facing as I return to the United States." Chelsea asked, "What are you
afraid of as you return to the United States?"

He looked seriously at her and said "I am afraid of
three things: Osama, Obama and Yomama."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will
be the starting QB for the Packers during the playoffs. 
She claimed she is qualified to be starting QB
because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB
for the Packers. Because of this she understands how to pick up a corner
blitz and knows the terminology of the Packers offense. A poll of Packers
fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move. 
Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?

Yet Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why
she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled
agreed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the
chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is
no middle ground here."

JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I
was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will
remain against it."

PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American."

BILL CLINTON: " I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. What is your definition of chicken?"

AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"

DICK CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"

AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We
need some black chickens."

HILLARY CLINTON: "I have vast experience with
chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to
cross any road they desire."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Political Cryptoquote:

XVQB WJOIVQJ ULV YL SLB BIAJ IS

ZSBJPJQB ZS MLEZBZOQ, YLJQ SLB

FJIS MLEZBZOQ RLS'B BIAJ IS

ZSBJPJQB ZS ULV. - - MJPZOEJQ

12/31/07 Toons+

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