3/31/08 Toons+

March 31, 2008

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Dick Cheney met with high-level officials in Saudi

Arabia on Friday to discuss military plans in the Persian Gulf and oil

production. He's very popular in Saudi Arabia. They would make him vice king

if Eliot Spitzer didn't already have the title.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson endorsed Barack

Obama for president Friday before a crowd in Oregon. The governor said he

decided to support Obama because he spoke to us as adults. Usually people

who like adult entertainment go for the Clintons.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's anti-American

sermons were discovered on the church's promotional DVD. It gets even worse.

Under the new Writers Guild agreement, Osama bin Laden is entitled to a

payment for every DVD Jeremiah Wright sells.

Barack Obama said his grandmother was a typical white

person whose distrust of black strangers on the street is inbred. It's not

true. She was never afraid of black strangers on the street until she

recorded a rap album without giving Suge Knight his cut.

Condi Rice apologized to Senator Barack Obama

Thursday over a State Department worker who snooped into the candidate's

passport file. His passport file must be six inches thick. When your middle

name's Hussein, flying generates a lot of paperwork.

Barack Obama fell far behind Hillary Clinton in

Pennsylvania and West Virginia polls. He simply refused to disown his

anti-American pastor, Jeremiah Wright. After all, the man conducted his

wedding, baptized his children, and blew up the U.S. Embassy in Karachi.

James Carville compared Bill Richardson to Judas

Iscariot for endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. Governor Richardson

made the decision to endorse on his way home from his Caribbean vacation. He

asked the pilot to tell him which way the wind was blowing.

Retired Air Force General Merrill McPeak stood

onstage with an anguished-looking Barack Obama Friday and said Bill Clinton

reminded him of Joe McCarthy for leaving Obama off a list of loyal

candidates. When Barack was in college at Occidental in Los Angeles he

mastered the art of looking wounded. He picked up a lot of work as an extra

on M A S H.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with

perjury Monday for lying about a mistress on the payroll. It's the fourth

sex scandal in a week by a politician. Maybe the reason Bill Clinton's poll

numbers are dropping is that we don't need him any more.

Arnold Palmer was asked to replace George Lopez as

host of the Bob Hope Desert Classic. The comedian went on a Mexican

nationalist rant in his latest cable show. Not only did he lose the Bob

Hope, he had to step down as Barack Obama's comedy advisor.

Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted Monday she

misspoke when she said she was under enemy fire at a Bosnian airport twelve

years ago. She just misremembered it. She was under enemy fire when her

plane left Washington but not when it arrived in Bosnia.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech at the University of

Pennsylvania to lay out her solution for the foreclosure crisis. Her concern

is genuine. If Hillary mortgaged her homes to pay for her campaign, she may

be in line for a bailout within thirty days.

Barack Obama celebrated Easter Sunday with his family

in a hotel in the Virgin Islands. He said he wanted to spend more time with

his wife and kids. Hillary Clinton was happy to hear it because she thought

it meant he was retiring in disgrace.

Chelsea Clinton was asked a question about the Monica

Lewinsky scandal Tuesday by a college student in Indiana. She snapped it was

none of his business. Chelsea still thinks the whole thing was a dispute

between a glass blower and the dry cleaner.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was indicted over a

mistress scandal Tuesday a week after New York's Governor Eliot Spitzer

resigned over a hooker. It's inspiring. The Jewish former governor of New

York and the black mayor of Detroit are forging a common cause that has not

been seen since the civil rights marches of the Sixties.

New York Governor Dave Paterson admitted Tuesday he

did pot and cocaine in the late Seventies. Last week he admitted to numerous

lovers. When John Belushi wound up being a U.S. Senator in Animal House, it

inspired an entire generation to public service.

Hillary Clinton was savaged by cable news hosts

Wednesday for misremembering her Bosnia airport reception. She was flogged

in the Situation Room, beaten on Hardball, and flayed on Countdown. The

Clintons never thought they would find themselves watching Fox News for a

breather.

President Bush was told by the Pentagon Wednesday

that U.S. troops need to be rotated home because of stress on the troops and

their families. Why bother? With Hillary ducking sniper fire and Obama

standing by his bomb-throwing pastor, the troops may be safer in Iraq.

-- Argus Hamilton

Everybody was in the Easter spirit. In fact, former

Gov. Eliot Spitzer spent the day with someone named Bunny.

What a beautiful day here in New York City. Such a

beautiful day, that new governor, David Paterson? He was using drugs in the

park.

You can tell it's spring because that governor and

his wife had a foursome with Ben & Jerry.

Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden.

They have a contortionist that's so good, Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink.

-- David Letterman

Winter officially ended this week. Today, Al Gore

blamed winter's end on global warming.

Former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson says he still

considers himself loyal to the Clinton family despite endorsing Barack

Obama. Loyal! Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that!

Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight,

but she got pinned down by sniper fire.

Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war

stories than John McCain?

Hillary's campaign is claiming she misspoke when she

said she landed under gun fire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was

gun fire on a trip to L.A.

She now admits there weren't any snipers. And today

Bill Clinton said, "Hey, if I would have known there weren't any snipers, I

would not have sent her there in the first place."

Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she

was under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar

pantsuit at the time.

Hillary now says she just made an honest mistake . .

.. there was no hostile fire of any kind. Ironically, while she was away,

Bill Clinton did see some action.

Hillary also said she went to 80 countries. Turns out

she only wanted to go to one country, but she booked it with PriceLine.com

and had to fly through all of them.

MSNBC is saying that there's a chance that John

McCain would pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice president. That's a perfectly

balanced ticket: he's white, she's black; he's a man, she's a woman; he's

always steamed, she's rice . . .

Have you heard Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan?

Incoming!

New revelations about the whole Hillary

Clinton-Bosnia thing. Turns out she went there to hire a

sniper.

-- Leno

A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary

Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked,

"How much wine have they had?"

Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has reportedly

entered therapy for a sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well

and that his therapist has a fantastic rack.

In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds with

gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former

Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur.

-- Conan O'Brien

Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught

telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging

bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to

me like the co-star of "Jingle all the Way." Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia

with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on

Lifetime or something. "Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough

drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?"

Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for

distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's

campaign is all about hope - hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and

getting herself in trouble.

-- Craig Ferguson

Great Orators of the Democratic Party

. "One man with courage makes a

majority."--attributed to Andrew Jackson

. "The only thing we have to fear is fear

itself."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

. "The buck stops here."--Harry S. Truman

. "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what

you can do for your country."--John F. Kennedy

. "You know, I think that, a minor blip, you know, if

I said something that, you know, I say a lot of things--millions of words a

day--so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement."--Hillary

Clinton

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3/31/08 Toons+

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