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<font size=6 color=red>This Thread Brought To You By The Letter
"W":</font><br>
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<font size=29 color=red>In Case You Missed It Dept.:
<font size=5 color=red>Kentucky Fried Chicken was robbed by a gunman Monday
who was caught by a middle-aged lady. She wrestled him down while dodging
bullets and held him until cops arrived. Hillary Clinton called her up and
offered her a hundred bucks for the trick. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Barack Obama released his income tax returns Tuesday,
showing he donated less than one percent to his church. This explains his
pastor Jeremiah Wright's sermons. When he couldn't get enough money out of
his congregation he had to market to al-Qaeda. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton admitted she misspoke about dodging
sniper fire in Bosnia twelve years ago as first lady. It simply didn't
happen. Bill Clinton's been on the phone to everybody he knows in Bosnia
trying to track down that sniper and get his money back. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Barack Obama on The View Friday hedged about his
pastor Jeremiah Wright, saying he never heard any racially inflammatory
sermons. It's obvious Barack heard some of the sermons. Calling your
grandmother a typical white woman had to come from somewhere. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Il fired a series of
short-range missiles that landed in the sea on Friday. He boasted he has
intercontinental missiles that can reach Los Angeles. What he didn't say is
that he's got to fire them from Santa Monica. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Al Gore was suggested Friday as a compromise
candidate for the Democratic Party presidential nomination. As inventor of
the Internet, he's responsible for online prostitution, online porno, online
gambling and male enhancement pills delivered to your door. There's not an
American alive whose life he hasn't touched in some tragic way. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton's campaign accused Barack Obama of
tolerating anti-Americanism in church while the Obama team called Hillary a
serial liar. It's vicious. Michael Vick can't believe he's in prison while
the Democratic National Committee walks free. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton bristled Sunday at suggestions she
concede to Obama. She's not about to quit the race. She said people may
think she's dead but she escaped from the Alamo, she escaped from Bonnie and
Clyde's car, and she's going to escape from this. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton admitted she wasn't fired upon in
Bosnia twelve years ago after comedian Sinbad said it never happened. His
eyewitness account had consequences. Sinbad was immediately banned from the
Comedy Store for risking a Clinton presidency. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced Saturday
she will boycott the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing. She is angry over
China's military crackdown in Tibet. Many countries have denounced the
crackdown but only Germany deducted points for style. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Al Gore announced an ad campaign on Monday to raise
awareness about greenhouse gas emissions. He's become fabulously wealthy as
a spokesman for green energy. It's okay for Democrats to become filthy rich
as long as they feel just terrible about it. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Barack Obama's handwritten notes were discovered
Monday on a voter group questionnaire that he previously said he'd never
seen. A rival campaign gave it to the media to prove Obama is more liberal
than he pretends. The campaign didn't want to be identified because
criticizing Barack Obama is now a hate crime in thirty-seven states.
</font>
<font size=5 color=red>The White House authorized the bypassing of
environmental laws Tuesday so that the Mexican border fence can be built.
Now nothing stands in the way of building it except one thing. The president
of Mexico just ordered his people not to build it. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Senator Barack Obama continued his bus tour of
Pennsylvania on Monday where he visited a chocolate factory and gave a
speech criticizing John McCain, making no mention of Hillary Clinton. He
looked positively jubilant. His pastor's gone missing. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>The Screen Actors Guild met with Hollywood producers
on Monday to try to reach a deal and avoid a strike when the contract ends
in June. Nobody wants the actors on strike. Sniper Fire Theater wouldn't be
the same without your host, Hillary Clinton. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa in
her speech in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's not the first time that's been
said. Reporters compared her to Rocky Balboa whenever Bill Clinton came
downstairs to the press conference with a black eye. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton admitted she was not fired upon by
snipers in Bosnia ten years ago as she'd claimed. The truth is harrowing
enough. A Cessna once crashed into the White House just outside her bedroom
window, so the president was never in any danger. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Barack Obama said in an interview Wednesday he's of
two minds over whether the U.S. should participate in the Beijing Summer
Olympics. Nobody called him out for waffling. Cable news networks reported
that Barack Obama is so smart he has two minds. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Washington's Mayflower Hotel said Thursday its gift
shop has sold out of hotel souvenirs since Eliot Spitzer met a hooker there.
You know what this means. If Bill Clinton really wants to help Hillary he
should shut up and have another sex scandal. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton flew to Los Angeles for a fundraiser
Thursday and then appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in Burbank. It
had to be a stressful trip. All the adoring cable news stories about Barack
Obama begin three hours earlier out here. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton arrived at Burbank Airport Thursday
for one day of campaigning in Los Angeles. She ordered her driver to take as
many freeways as possible and to switch lanes without signaling. Hillary
thinks the only way to win back the black vote is to get shot on the
anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>-- Argus Hamilton</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Here's a sure way to tell it's spring in New York
City: Eliot Spitzer spent the entire weekend with a girl named Robin.
</font>
<font size=5 color=red>What a battle the Democrats are having. It's costly,
and they say Hillary Clinton's campaign is out of money. It may be true:
Earlier today she was shopping at Pantsuits for Less. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Beautiful spring day here in New York City. Such a
beautiful day, Eliot Spitzer spent the day with a girl named
Sunny.</font>
<font size=5 color=red>The circus is in town. Earlier today, Hillary Clinton
claimed she was once shot out of a cannon. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>-- David Letterman</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Here's kind of a philosophical question. If a sniper
fires a gun in the woods and no one is around, does Hillary Clinton still
hear it? </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton is now blaming lack of sleep on her
embellishment of her Bosnia trip. See, that's the difference between her and
Bill. After a night of no sleep, Bill never had any trouble coming up with a
believable story. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>It looks like there is more fudging on Hillary's
record. Remember when she said she was "deeply involved with the Irish peace
process?" Turns out she just saw "Lord of the Dance." </font>
<font size=5 color=red>The big movie opening this weekend is "Run Fat Boy,
Run." Isn't that what Democrats are trying to get Al Gore to do now?
</font>
<font size=5 color=red>In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Sen. Bob
Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama.
He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted
Obama for president. Which also explains his choice for vice president:
Hannah Montana.</font>
<font size=5 color=red>New York Gov. David Paterson, who in the first two
weeks in office has admitted to having a number of extramarital affairs and
doing drugs, now says that he will no longer talk about his personal life.
Well thank God he made the decision before he said anything
embarrassing.</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Happy birthday to Al Gore. Al Gore is 60 years old
today. A lot of mixed feelings for Al on this milestone. On one hand he
loves cake, but those 60 candles do contribute to global warming.
</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today and told
the crowd that she's like the movie character "Rocky" . . . now if I
remember the movie correctly doesn't Rocky get the crap beat out him and
then loses to the black guy? Isn't that what happened?</font>
<font size=5 color=red>That's what she said; she's just like "Rocky." Except
when she is in Bosnia, then she's like "Rambo."</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He's 60
years old. He just couldn't enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with
how quickly the ice cream was melting. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>It looks like Barack Obama has taken a 10-point lead
over Hillary Clinton. You know they say that behind every successful man
there is a woman; unfortunately for Hillary, it's her.</font>
<font size=5 color=red>A huge mess in New Jersey after truckers protested
the high cost of diesel fuel. They shut down the turnpike on purpose. To
give you an idea of how bad it was, it took former Gov. Jim McGreevey three
hours to get to a rest stop to have anonymous sex. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>-- Leno</font>
<font size=5 color=red>People are pressuring Hillary Clinton to quit. This
weekend Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential
race. When asked why, Bill said, "Because then she'd come home." </font>
<font size=5 color=red>This week, Barack Obama was bowling. He tried
bowling. His score was a terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press,
"That's it - no more white guy sports for me." </font>
<font size=5 color=red>The new president of Cuba, Raul Castro . . . I wonder
how he got that job . . . </font>
<font size=5 color=red>He announced that it is now legal for Cubans to have
cell phones. Cubans were thrilled. They said, "What's a cell phone?"</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Raul Castro says he wants to modernize transportation
in Cuba. He said, "For instance, we just made a raft with cup holders."
</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Hillary Clinton has come up with another ad where she
answers the phone at 3 a.m. After she handles the crisis, she asks, "By the
way, have you seen my husband?" </font>
<font size=5 color=red>-- Conan O'Brien</font>
<font size=5 color=red> Over the weekend, Bill Clinton said that people who
were urging Hillary to get out of the race were wasting their time. He said,
"If it were that easy to get Hillary to leave, I would have done it years
ago." </font>
<font size=5 color=red> Hillary finally admitted to "exaggerating" about
being under sniper fire in Bosnia. In the old country we call it a different
word - lying. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>Barack Obama said today that he would consider Al
Gore to be in his Cabinet. Al Gore said he would do it as long as it was
full of Twinkies. </font>
<font size=5 color=red>-- Craig Ferguson</font>
<font size=5 color=red>Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he
asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One
little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door
is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a
tragedy." </font>

<font size=5 color=red>"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
</font>

<font size=5 color=red>A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a
tragedy." </font>

<font size=5 color=red>"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." </font>

<font size=5 color=red>The room is silent; none of the other children dare
volunteer. </font>

<font size=5 color=red>"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?" </font>

<font size=5 color=red>Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid
voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown
up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." </font>

<font size=5 color=red>"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you
tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" </font>

<font size=5 color=red>"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an
accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" </font>
 
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