9/10/07 Toons+

September 10, 2007

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter

W:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

John Edwards' campaign got a boost Friday when the

Democrat was endorsed by the United Brotherhood of Carpenters. It was

important to get their endorsement before the next big debate. If the

carpenters don't like you, the trap door is under your podium.

President Bush flew to Australia Tuesday to attend

the Asian Pacific Economic Conference. He must leave the conference a little

early. The White House physician doesn't allow him within a thousand miles

of Chinese toy factories for over three days.

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards

revealed Monday his health care plan would require women to get regular

breast exams. It's almost impossible to believe. There are two Democrats in

the race who are running on Bill Clinton's record.

Bill Clinton joined his wife at a New Hampshire fair

Sunday and was cheered by the crowd. He's trying hard not to embarrass her.

The only time he taps his foot in the men's room is when there is a Hong

Kong donor in the next stall and the check is late.

GOP candidate Ron Paul finished a strong third in a

Texas straw poll Saturday thanks to his online supporters. He's wildly

popular on the Internet. He was the only candidate shrewd enough to put

gambling and pornography on his campaign web site.

Larry Craig said Tuesday he will fight the charges

of sex solicitation by foot-tapping in a men's room stall. He could survive.

By claiming restless leg syndrome he thinks he can keep his job in the

Senate under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

President Bush told his fellow coalition member

Australian Prime Minister John Howard that the surge is working in Iraq. It

wasn't necessary. Any nation that gave the world Russell Crowe and Errol

Flynn doesn't have to be persuaded to stay in any fight.

Hillary Clinton spoke to the American Association of

Retired Persons lobbyists meeting in Washington Tuesday. She promised as

president she'd leave Social Security exactly as it is. This will give

seniors with paid-off homes the thrill of bankruptcy.

Former White House volunteer Kathleen Willey just

wrote a book. It alleges that the Clintons tried to destroy her after she

accused Bill Clinton of fondling her breasts in the Oval Office. That's two

presidents in a row that have attacked a rack.

-- Argus Hamilton

Republicans had a big debate in New Hampshire. The

big winner? Fred Thompson. He's on the show tonight and he says he has

something major to announce. Now in America, that can mean only one of three

things: He's either pregnant, gay, or running for president. Actually, have

you seen Fred's wife? She's beautiful . . . I think we can rule out the gay

part.

- - Leno

The Ant & The Grasshopper

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer

long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs

and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies

out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer

long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs

and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press

conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while

others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide

pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his

comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,

this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the

grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being

Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the

ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall

overcome."

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God

for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview

with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the

grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him

pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and

Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is

fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having

nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the

government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the

grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried

before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of

single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing

up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,

which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he

doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related

incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders

who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be VERY careful how you

vote!!

<font size=5

color=blue>-------------------------------------------------------------------

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a

convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he

got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls

get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she

answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man

stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully

unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel

where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do

the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,

and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she

gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years

seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

<font size=5

color=blue>-------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my

old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the

internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the

people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick

after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time

you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works well if you ever have to use a

Laundromat...

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9/10/07 Toons+

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