P
Patriot Games
Guest
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?
A: His Personality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should?
A: Stick their bill up their ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ignorance of the law excuses no man ... from practicing it.
Addison Mizner
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:How do you call a dead lawyer?
A:A good riddance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
A: Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer:
A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between baseball and the law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a lawyer when you see he's about to get hit by a
truck?
A: __________.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vampires?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's America's best chance to solve the trade deficit with Japan?
A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why aren't lawyers allowed to go to the beach?
A: Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
A: The caterer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they're boring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What word describes a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is innocent until proven broke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bulls don't win bull fights, people do. People don't win people fights,
lawyers do.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being
made.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No sir, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are
for perjury?
Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty
for murder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night I slept just like lawyers. I lied on one side, then I lied on
the other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in
his own pockets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Will Rogers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves
of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name on each ball.
One of the recipients sent an email of thanks back to the lawyer, saying,
"This is the first time I've ever had the lawyer buy the balls."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best thing to get a lawyer in the hospital?
A: A Nurse who believes in euthanasia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the informtion you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the skinniest book every published?
A: Legal Ethics.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are lawyers' graves forty feet deep instead of the traditional six
feet deep?
A: Because really deep down, lawyers are not such bad guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California
got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why have lawyers been banned from most construction sites?
A: Because the workers might connect the drain to the wrong suer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call five lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
A: Only one if you run him through real slowly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men
called?
A: A law firm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else think they're jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first thing you do after running over a lawyer?
A: Back up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a failing law student and an alcoholic have in common?
A: Neither of them can pass the bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of underwear does a lawyer wear?
A: Legal briefs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do lying lawyers do when they die?
A: They lie still.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors,
that's a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the defintion of mixed emotions?
A: Seeing your lawyer drive off the cliff in your new Mercedes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a dozen lawyers standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you put 100 lawyers in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the California State Bar come out against sex between lawyers
and their clients?
A: They didn't want the clients to be double billed for essentially the same
service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an unemployed lawyer?
A: Congressman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer who "finds himself"?
A: A disappointed lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best thing you can say about looking forward to meeting a
blind date with a "nice personality"?
A: At least he or she isn't a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: When his lips are moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your honor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why have some Florida cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?
A: Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?
A: His Personality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should?
A: Stick their bill up their ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ignorance of the law excuses no man ... from practicing it.
Addison Mizner
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:How do you call a dead lawyer?
A:A good riddance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
A: Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer:
A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between baseball and the law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a lawyer when you see he's about to get hit by a
truck?
A: __________.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vampires?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's America's best chance to solve the trade deficit with Japan?
A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why aren't lawyers allowed to go to the beach?
A: Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
A: The caterer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they're boring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What word describes a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is innocent until proven broke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bulls don't win bull fights, people do. People don't win people fights,
lawyers do.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being
made.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No sir, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are
for perjury?
Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty
for murder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night I slept just like lawyers. I lied on one side, then I lied on
the other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in
his own pockets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Will Rogers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves
of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name on each ball.
One of the recipients sent an email of thanks back to the lawyer, saying,
"This is the first time I've ever had the lawyer buy the balls."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best thing to get a lawyer in the hospital?
A: A Nurse who believes in euthanasia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the informtion you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the skinniest book every published?
A: Legal Ethics.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are lawyers' graves forty feet deep instead of the traditional six
feet deep?
A: Because really deep down, lawyers are not such bad guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California
got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why have lawyers been banned from most construction sites?
A: Because the workers might connect the drain to the wrong suer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call five lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
A: Only one if you run him through real slowly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men
called?
A: A law firm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else think they're jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first thing you do after running over a lawyer?
A: Back up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a failing law student and an alcoholic have in common?
A: Neither of them can pass the bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of underwear does a lawyer wear?
A: Legal briefs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do lying lawyers do when they die?
A: They lie still.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors,
that's a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the defintion of mixed emotions?
A: Seeing your lawyer drive off the cliff in your new Mercedes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a dozen lawyers standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you put 100 lawyers in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the California State Bar come out against sex between lawyers
and their clients?
A: They didn't want the clients to be double billed for essentially the same
service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an unemployed lawyer?
A: Congressman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer who "finds himself"?
A: A disappointed lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best thing you can say about looking forward to meeting a
blind date with a "nice personality"?
A: At least he or she isn't a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: When his lips are moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your honor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why have some Florida cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?
A: Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.