G
Gandalf Grey
Guest
Enjoy every sandwich
By Ed Naha
Created Jan 19 2008 - 10:55am
Here's a new definition of the word "irony." While political pundits have
been pompously prattling about the presidential primaries and debates, on
the news sidelines 22 American troops have been killed in Iraq in 17 days,
22 American bald eagles have died from eating tainted fish guts in Alaska,
we've committed 3,000 more troops to play catch-up in Afghanistan, Bush is
considering slowing or stopping plans to bring home more troops from Iraq,
and our President has declared: "I'm sure people view me as a warmonger and
I view myself as peacemaker."
If there truly is a God in Heaven, He probably bears more than a passing
resemblance to Moe Howard and is currently reaching for a lightning bolt
while muttering "Why I oughtta..."
A lot of folks ask me how it's possible to maintain a skewered sense of
humor during Bush's reign in Amerika. Actually, it's my wife who usually
asks me this. My dogs would, but they're too busy angling for praise for
crapping on cue - a trait they've probably picked up from Republican
politicians.
Whenever the humor question comes up, I refer to one of my most beloved
fallen heroes; singer-songwriter Warren Zevon. Faced with a diagnosis of
three months to live, he was asked if his illness gave him any new insights.
Zevon shrugged and said he didn't think so, "Not unless I know how much
you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich."
Now, I've always interpreted that statement as meaning that, in today's
Bizarro World, you have to take the time to exhale, focus on what you're
doing, who and what you love and acknowledge the positive things in your
life whenever possible. If not, the cacophony from the manufactured reality
surrounding us will make your head explode. Or, worse yet, turn you into
Chris Matthews.
Anyone without a sense of humor has probably imploded already due to the
MSM's bombastic braying about the presidential primaries. It's politics ala
Paris Hilton. All sound bites, no substance.
Is Hilary a racist? Is Obama an anti-Semite? Has Edwards seen "All the Kings
Men?" Is Kucinich from Ork? Has Mike Gravel agreed to guest star on "Without
A Trace?"
It's even funnier on the Republican side. Is Romney an android? Can Huckabee
really raise the dead? If so, can he do something about Fred Thompson? Is
Giuliani nuts? Strike that. HOW nuts is Giuliani? Is Ron Paul Walter
Brennan's love child? Why is Duncan Hunter only seen on milk cartons? (You
know the Republicans are in Rod Serling territory when Huckabee seeks to
soften up South Carolina voters by telling them about the time when, in
college, he ate fried squirrel cooked on a corn popper, 'cause they wuz too
poor to have a proper pan. Wee doggies.)
The Media reached the zenith of its nadirs when, after the "upset" in New
Hampshire, stunned pundits interviewed equally puzzled pollsters for
thirty-six hours straight. This was roughly akin to Mortimer Snerd
interviewing Charlie McCarthy without Edgar Bergen being around. It was also
in violation of the Geneva conventions.
As I write this, I swear to Moe, several cable screaming heads are referring
to the upcoming "Super Tuesday" as "Tsunami Tuesday." What? Was "Totally
Terrific Tippy-Top Tuesday" already taken?
With breathless babble bubbling all around us, we are being encouraged to
think that the primary battles are the be-all and end-all of news. Nothing
else is going on!
Were that only the case.
While the shiny tin foil balls were rolling across our TV screens, our
Lambaster-in-Chief was off on a magical misery tour of the Middle East
(excluding Iraq, of course), photo-opping his ass off carrying swords,
dancing with kids and, generally, looking like a pre-schooler surrounded by
adults.
He also, unfortunately, spoke quite a bit. He disavowed the recent NIE and
insisted that Iran was still the most dangerous threat in the world, asking
leaders to join with him in slapping it down. He declared that there would
be a peaceful settlement in the Israeli/Palestinian region by year's end. He
begged Saudis for oil after tossing a $20 billion arms package their way.
And, showing a great understanding of history, gazed at aerial photos of
Auschwitz and declared, "We should have bombed it."
He also gave several interviews wherein he talked about himself in the third
person in terms of his legacy. "I can predict that the historians will say
that George W. Bush recognized the threats of the 21st century," Bush
stated, "clearly defined them, and had great faith in the capacity of
liberty to transform hopelessness to hope, and laid the foundation for peace
by making some awfully difficult decisions."
Speaking of Bush in another interview, Bush said: "When he needed to be
tough, he acted strong, and when he needed to have vision, he understood the
power of freedom to be transformative."
Now, I'm no psychologist, but if Ed Naha talked about Ed Naha in the third
person, I'm sure Ed Naha's family and friends would shoot Ed Naha with some
sort of elephant tranquilizer and get Ed Naha into a room with rubber
padding wherein Ed Naha could bounce around while talking about Ed Naha
without actually hurting Ed Naha. But that's just Ed Naha talking.
While Bush was off playing the diplomator, two polls were released stateside
showing that 79% of Americans want the next president to run as far away
from Bush's policies as possible. When informed of the polls, Bush replied:
"What am I supposed to do, go into a fetal position because of your polls?"
Couldn't hurt.
Also lost in the primary news blitz were some interesting findings about the
direction the world is heading in. As all Bush supporters know, global
warming is a myth. Apparently, no one has bothered to clue Mother Earth in
on this fact, however, and she's behaving quite badly.
2007 saw some of the weirdest weather in history. January was the warmest
first month on record worldwide - 1.53 degrees above normal. It was the
first time since record-keeping began in 1880 that the globe's average
temperature has been so far above the norm for any month of the year.
And as 2007 drew to a close, it was also shaping up to be the hottest year
on record in the Northern Hemisphere.
U.S. weather stations broke or tied 263 all-time high temperature records,
according to an Associated Press analysis of U.S. weather data. England had
the warmest April in 348 years of record-keeping there, shattering the
record set in 1865 by more than 1.1 degrees Fahrenheit.
In the U.S., New York was hit by a tornado and New Mexico had record snow.
More than 60 percent of the United States was either abnormally dry or
suffering from drought in August. In November, Atlanta's main water source,
Lake Lanier, shrank to an all-time low. Lake Okeechobee, crucial to south
Florida, hit its lowest level in recorded history in May, exposing muck and
debris not seen for decades. Lake Superior, the biggest and deepest of the
Great Lakes, dropped to its lowest August and September levels in history.
Los Angeles hit its driest year on record. Lakes fed by the Colorado River
and which help supply water for more than 20 million Westerners, were only
half full.
In the northeast states, many followers of fall foliage got a shock last
year. Most trees just turned brown, their leaves dropping off sans rainbow
hues because of the high temperatures. Trees on the West Coast took a
similar hit. "I suspect as things get warmer, we'll start seeing sequoias
just die on their feet where their foliage turns brown," said Nate
Stephenson, a U.S. Geological Survey ecologist who is studying the effects
of climate change in the Sierra Nevada. "Even if they don't die of drought
stress, just think of the wildfires. If you dry out that vegetation, they're
going to be so much more flammable."
Minnesota got the worst of everything: a devastating June and July drought
followed by record August rainfall. In one March day, Southern California
got torrential downpours, hail, snow and fierce winds. Then, in the fall,
came devastating fires driven by Santa Ana winds.
(Two weeks ago, out here in California, we had red flag fire alerts and high
wind advisories on a Wednesday. By Friday, we had flash flood warnings and
torrential rains. Today? 75 mph wind gusts. Hotcha.)
Australia, already a dry continent, suffered its worst drought in a century,
making global warming an election issue. The drought is still so bad that
venomous snakes in search of moisture are now making their way into major
cities, increasing the number of attacks on people. On the other extreme,
record rains fell in China, England and Wales last year.
In the Alps, snow is melting so quickly that Alpine resorts, not being able
to guarantee skiing, are planning on building golf courses.
New studies by the EU-funded Eden project foresee global warming in Europe
bumping up the occurrences of fatal diseases, including malaria (the
ultimate buzz kill) and the plague (oh, rats).
Another bi-product of global warming is the rise of megafires across the
world. In the U.S., over 9.6 million acres were burned last year. Twenty
years ago, fires burning over 5,000 acres were rare.
Somehow, none of these findings made their way into the headlines during the
Hillary-Obama "No, I ditn't - yes, you did" carnival or the Huckabee "God
told me to" tent meetings.
On the plus side, Bush and his cronies did turn their attention to the
environment recently. Earlier this week, the White House acknowledged
recycling its backup computer tapes of all official e-mails before 2003,
stymieing several ongoing investigations, including the CIA leak case. It's
not easy being green, coppers.
Bush also decided to exempt the Navy from an environmental law prohibiting
the use of uber-sonar in its training off the California Coast; a practice
that transforms dolphins and whales into the aquatic equivalent of Helen
Keller.
Screw it. I mean, whales don't caucus.
And, so, boys and girls, as the primaries limp on, Tim Russert offers up
philosophical farts, Chris Matthews spews and George W. Bush continues to
gnaw at the Constitution, let's all pull a Zevon. Let's all take a deep
breath and remember to enjoy every sandwich.
If we don't, then surely we will lose our lunch every time Bush says
something along the lines of: "I can press when there needs to be pressed. I
can hold hands when there needs to be - hold hands."
You want fries with that?
_______
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
By Ed Naha
Created Jan 19 2008 - 10:55am
Here's a new definition of the word "irony." While political pundits have
been pompously prattling about the presidential primaries and debates, on
the news sidelines 22 American troops have been killed in Iraq in 17 days,
22 American bald eagles have died from eating tainted fish guts in Alaska,
we've committed 3,000 more troops to play catch-up in Afghanistan, Bush is
considering slowing or stopping plans to bring home more troops from Iraq,
and our President has declared: "I'm sure people view me as a warmonger and
I view myself as peacemaker."
If there truly is a God in Heaven, He probably bears more than a passing
resemblance to Moe Howard and is currently reaching for a lightning bolt
while muttering "Why I oughtta..."
A lot of folks ask me how it's possible to maintain a skewered sense of
humor during Bush's reign in Amerika. Actually, it's my wife who usually
asks me this. My dogs would, but they're too busy angling for praise for
crapping on cue - a trait they've probably picked up from Republican
politicians.
Whenever the humor question comes up, I refer to one of my most beloved
fallen heroes; singer-songwriter Warren Zevon. Faced with a diagnosis of
three months to live, he was asked if his illness gave him any new insights.
Zevon shrugged and said he didn't think so, "Not unless I know how much
you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich."
Now, I've always interpreted that statement as meaning that, in today's
Bizarro World, you have to take the time to exhale, focus on what you're
doing, who and what you love and acknowledge the positive things in your
life whenever possible. If not, the cacophony from the manufactured reality
surrounding us will make your head explode. Or, worse yet, turn you into
Chris Matthews.
Anyone without a sense of humor has probably imploded already due to the
MSM's bombastic braying about the presidential primaries. It's politics ala
Paris Hilton. All sound bites, no substance.
Is Hilary a racist? Is Obama an anti-Semite? Has Edwards seen "All the Kings
Men?" Is Kucinich from Ork? Has Mike Gravel agreed to guest star on "Without
A Trace?"
It's even funnier on the Republican side. Is Romney an android? Can Huckabee
really raise the dead? If so, can he do something about Fred Thompson? Is
Giuliani nuts? Strike that. HOW nuts is Giuliani? Is Ron Paul Walter
Brennan's love child? Why is Duncan Hunter only seen on milk cartons? (You
know the Republicans are in Rod Serling territory when Huckabee seeks to
soften up South Carolina voters by telling them about the time when, in
college, he ate fried squirrel cooked on a corn popper, 'cause they wuz too
poor to have a proper pan. Wee doggies.)
The Media reached the zenith of its nadirs when, after the "upset" in New
Hampshire, stunned pundits interviewed equally puzzled pollsters for
thirty-six hours straight. This was roughly akin to Mortimer Snerd
interviewing Charlie McCarthy without Edgar Bergen being around. It was also
in violation of the Geneva conventions.
As I write this, I swear to Moe, several cable screaming heads are referring
to the upcoming "Super Tuesday" as "Tsunami Tuesday." What? Was "Totally
Terrific Tippy-Top Tuesday" already taken?
With breathless babble bubbling all around us, we are being encouraged to
think that the primary battles are the be-all and end-all of news. Nothing
else is going on!
Were that only the case.
While the shiny tin foil balls were rolling across our TV screens, our
Lambaster-in-Chief was off on a magical misery tour of the Middle East
(excluding Iraq, of course), photo-opping his ass off carrying swords,
dancing with kids and, generally, looking like a pre-schooler surrounded by
adults.
He also, unfortunately, spoke quite a bit. He disavowed the recent NIE and
insisted that Iran was still the most dangerous threat in the world, asking
leaders to join with him in slapping it down. He declared that there would
be a peaceful settlement in the Israeli/Palestinian region by year's end. He
begged Saudis for oil after tossing a $20 billion arms package their way.
And, showing a great understanding of history, gazed at aerial photos of
Auschwitz and declared, "We should have bombed it."
He also gave several interviews wherein he talked about himself in the third
person in terms of his legacy. "I can predict that the historians will say
that George W. Bush recognized the threats of the 21st century," Bush
stated, "clearly defined them, and had great faith in the capacity of
liberty to transform hopelessness to hope, and laid the foundation for peace
by making some awfully difficult decisions."
Speaking of Bush in another interview, Bush said: "When he needed to be
tough, he acted strong, and when he needed to have vision, he understood the
power of freedom to be transformative."
Now, I'm no psychologist, but if Ed Naha talked about Ed Naha in the third
person, I'm sure Ed Naha's family and friends would shoot Ed Naha with some
sort of elephant tranquilizer and get Ed Naha into a room with rubber
padding wherein Ed Naha could bounce around while talking about Ed Naha
without actually hurting Ed Naha. But that's just Ed Naha talking.
While Bush was off playing the diplomator, two polls were released stateside
showing that 79% of Americans want the next president to run as far away
from Bush's policies as possible. When informed of the polls, Bush replied:
"What am I supposed to do, go into a fetal position because of your polls?"
Couldn't hurt.
Also lost in the primary news blitz were some interesting findings about the
direction the world is heading in. As all Bush supporters know, global
warming is a myth. Apparently, no one has bothered to clue Mother Earth in
on this fact, however, and she's behaving quite badly.
2007 saw some of the weirdest weather in history. January was the warmest
first month on record worldwide - 1.53 degrees above normal. It was the
first time since record-keeping began in 1880 that the globe's average
temperature has been so far above the norm for any month of the year.
And as 2007 drew to a close, it was also shaping up to be the hottest year
on record in the Northern Hemisphere.
U.S. weather stations broke or tied 263 all-time high temperature records,
according to an Associated Press analysis of U.S. weather data. England had
the warmest April in 348 years of record-keeping there, shattering the
record set in 1865 by more than 1.1 degrees Fahrenheit.
In the U.S., New York was hit by a tornado and New Mexico had record snow.
More than 60 percent of the United States was either abnormally dry or
suffering from drought in August. In November, Atlanta's main water source,
Lake Lanier, shrank to an all-time low. Lake Okeechobee, crucial to south
Florida, hit its lowest level in recorded history in May, exposing muck and
debris not seen for decades. Lake Superior, the biggest and deepest of the
Great Lakes, dropped to its lowest August and September levels in history.
Los Angeles hit its driest year on record. Lakes fed by the Colorado River
and which help supply water for more than 20 million Westerners, were only
half full.
In the northeast states, many followers of fall foliage got a shock last
year. Most trees just turned brown, their leaves dropping off sans rainbow
hues because of the high temperatures. Trees on the West Coast took a
similar hit. "I suspect as things get warmer, we'll start seeing sequoias
just die on their feet where their foliage turns brown," said Nate
Stephenson, a U.S. Geological Survey ecologist who is studying the effects
of climate change in the Sierra Nevada. "Even if they don't die of drought
stress, just think of the wildfires. If you dry out that vegetation, they're
going to be so much more flammable."
Minnesota got the worst of everything: a devastating June and July drought
followed by record August rainfall. In one March day, Southern California
got torrential downpours, hail, snow and fierce winds. Then, in the fall,
came devastating fires driven by Santa Ana winds.
(Two weeks ago, out here in California, we had red flag fire alerts and high
wind advisories on a Wednesday. By Friday, we had flash flood warnings and
torrential rains. Today? 75 mph wind gusts. Hotcha.)
Australia, already a dry continent, suffered its worst drought in a century,
making global warming an election issue. The drought is still so bad that
venomous snakes in search of moisture are now making their way into major
cities, increasing the number of attacks on people. On the other extreme,
record rains fell in China, England and Wales last year.
In the Alps, snow is melting so quickly that Alpine resorts, not being able
to guarantee skiing, are planning on building golf courses.
New studies by the EU-funded Eden project foresee global warming in Europe
bumping up the occurrences of fatal diseases, including malaria (the
ultimate buzz kill) and the plague (oh, rats).
Another bi-product of global warming is the rise of megafires across the
world. In the U.S., over 9.6 million acres were burned last year. Twenty
years ago, fires burning over 5,000 acres were rare.
Somehow, none of these findings made their way into the headlines during the
Hillary-Obama "No, I ditn't - yes, you did" carnival or the Huckabee "God
told me to" tent meetings.
On the plus side, Bush and his cronies did turn their attention to the
environment recently. Earlier this week, the White House acknowledged
recycling its backup computer tapes of all official e-mails before 2003,
stymieing several ongoing investigations, including the CIA leak case. It's
not easy being green, coppers.
Bush also decided to exempt the Navy from an environmental law prohibiting
the use of uber-sonar in its training off the California Coast; a practice
that transforms dolphins and whales into the aquatic equivalent of Helen
Keller.
Screw it. I mean, whales don't caucus.
And, so, boys and girls, as the primaries limp on, Tim Russert offers up
philosophical farts, Chris Matthews spews and George W. Bush continues to
gnaw at the Constitution, let's all pull a Zevon. Let's all take a deep
breath and remember to enjoy every sandwich.
If we don't, then surely we will lose our lunch every time Bush says
something along the lines of: "I can press when there needs to be pressed. I
can hold hands when there needs to be - hold hands."
You want fries with that?
_______
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson