Good Enough.

Here's a short story that I wrote yesterday.

“You’re too damn emotional; that’s why you will never be good enough for me.” Loren’s eyes filled with tears, not letting them fall in his presence; she refused to be defeated by him again. She knew that he had in fact trounced her, but she did not want it to show. She turned away and was silent; even though she knew he could not see her, and that he was not even there. She didn’t know what to say to him. They’d been through so much, and she suddenly regretted asking that question… Am I ever going to be good enough for you? She didn’t understand what he wanted from her, and now she knew… She thought over the days events in her head; December 21, 2007; the first day of Winter Recess.

She had woken up early that morning, her mother need help baking holiday treats for the neighbors; and after she had finished making some disgusting looking jelly-filled brownies, and her favourite brownies, she went out to lunch with her mother and older brother. Of course, she couldn’t help but think about him… Vincent; the apple of her eye. Afterwards she went Christmas shopping with her brother and actually got something for everybody, ending with only five dollars of her ninety dollar pay check at the end of it all… Her aunt and cousins came over later that night, while she was wrapping gifts in the front room. She was more than happy to be with her almost three year old cousin and almost two year old cousin for a bit of time; she loved them more than anything in the world, and they always brought her joy. Once they’d left she showered and had to talk to Vince; she just had to.

She had dated Vince in the past twice, once for a short time in the summer after her seventh grade year in middle school, and then again from October 26th later that year, too February 15th in two-thousand and seven. The first time they broke up, it was all because of a simple argument. She can’t see or hear the phrase ‘I couldn’t care less’ without wanted to cry out. But then the second time… She had sent him a card for Valentines Day, and was more than content with simply spending her entire evening with him that day. But then, the day after Valentines Day, she was looking at some things of his, being nosey, yes, but in the end, she was doing herself good.

“I got your card today!” He exclaimed, seeming happier than could be. Loren simply stared.

“Do you like it?” she said plainly, wanting to tell him that that was the last he’d ever hear from her, but she didn’t have it in her… She didn’t know that she would soon wish she had said that rather than what she actually did. “You still love Jamie.” She said, again with no emotion. He denied it until she finally supplied him with he proof that she had. He finally caved and did the very cliché thing of begging for forgiveness and promised to never speak to ‘the other woman’ ever again. Loren loved Vince with all her heart, body else had ever even gotten close, she still wanted him, but she knew that he did not love her. She did not understand how anybody could do that, how a person could tell their girlfriend that they loved her, and then two seconds later, tell another that you loved her. Of course, Loren knew of Jamie previously, Vince talked about her a lot… He talked about a lot of girls that he liked, but would never had admitted that to Loren, but naturally, Jamie never knew of Loren.

After Loren and Jamie spoke, Loren just kept feeling worse and worse about herself. Jamie told Loren that Vince told her about everything, and said, “He told me that he thought he meant it when he told you that he loved you, but he didn’t. He really loves me.” After that Loren ran to her room, dramatically self-inflicting injuries and crying on the floor for hours. She was dead.

Her parents constantly asked her what the matter was, and she never had anything to tell them. What could she tell them? Her mom knew of Vince, but not that they were actually an item. Finally, she told her mom what had happened… Not everything, though, just that he had found someone else and that she didn’t like him anymore. That was close enough to the truth… The first part was at least. Loren stayed close to Jamie… Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer. Soon enough, Jamie and Vince had a huge fight, no longer together. In July, five months after he had disregarded her love for him, he came crawling back; swearing that he had nothing but friendship with Jamie. Loren didn’t believe him, not matter how badly she wanted to. All the times that she had called her Jamie in the past on accident, should have been a sign. How could he stand that without dying to fess up? The ‘I love you’s went on again. Loren remembered distinctly the first time he said it that summer. She was on the phone with him, it had been several hours and she was falling asleep, but then he said it. She didn’t even think about it… She just said it back. It would be a long time until she understood what love really was. She knew that she was not in love with him, she may not know what exactly it meant to be in love, but she did know that she wasn’t in love him… She hoped that she wasn’t at least. He was emotionally unstable, more so than her; and she was one of the worst bipolar people on the planet. After weeks of him not calling her or making any other sort of contact with him, she was going to die again… She tried to be subtle. Asked him what he wanted for his birthday… in the end of November, he just told her nothing and left it at that. Soon though, she started a conversation with him. He told her that he had met someone at his school that he liked a lot. Then he tried to look completely naive.

“It’s not like we were going out,” he said, falsely innocent. “And I never denied that I found somebody else, so I wasn’t lying to you.” The third time he’s broken her heart…. Two out of the three he had done terrible, terrible things… The duct tape holding her chest together was fraying, and she felt as if any minute now, it would burst into a million pieces, all over again. “I haven’t lied to you once since you found out about Jamie, I promise,” he shrugged it all off. How could he be so cold….? “And I’ve also found out that she still really cares for me.” Boom. He’d pulled the trigger and Loren dropped. She couldn’t take anymore of this.

Things got normal as they possibly could for her though. She developed a new crush at the place that she just began to work, and then Vince started again. He talked to her as he had when hey were dating; overly-friendly, and at the same time he made the experience nerve-wrecking.

“I just got chills,” she said on afternoon in mid-December. “Oh crap…” She wanted to cry out. Something terrible was going to happen soon… Either today or in a few days. She could feel it. “I’m going to get very upset soon.” She knew it. She wished she hadn’t said anything though, because he forced her to tell him what was going on in her head and it just came out. “I love you and I don’t want to anymore.” She felt awful after that. She’d never been more embarrassed in her entire life. It was non-archetypal of him to just laugh and pay no mind to what she said… But he did. She didn’t want to talk about it, and when, typical of him, he fell asleep in mid-conversation, she just left. He later assured her that he had merely fallen asleep and that he was not upset with her at all. But regardless of what he though; it was up in the air. Loren still loves Vince.

Loren and Vince still spoke on occasion, but then it happened. She thought that the bad thing that was coming had to be the she was telling him that she loved him; it was over. But she was far, far off.

December 21, 2007. She had showered and gone to bed after her cousins and aunt had left. But she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Things had been going well lately, so she decided that she had to talk to him. So she went upstairs, started some laundry, got the laptop from the front room, and even though she was upset that he hadn’t gone to bed like he had encouraged him to earlier, she was enthralled that he was online. He seemed happy enough to see her there as well. He was still doing the ‘I’m glad that you’re here,’ ‘I’m not going to leave you until I absolutely have to,’ and ‘Don’t leave yet,’ kind of thing that he did when they were a couple. And it started. They first argued abut him sleeping, not a big issue, normally, but it quickly evolved. She couldn’t remember every word of the conversation, but she did remember what they were talking about. They argued about stupid things and eventually he said it.

“I don’t know why I even bother talking to you some days of the week,” he said coldly. Loren felt ready to cry; the tears filled up her eyes quickly. She couldn’t decide what to say to him. She simply stared at the words, they started back, burning a hole in her heart. “I’m sorry Loren, I didn’t mean that.” He finally decided. Fake. He’s so fake. She knew it but she still had to ask.

“Can I ask you a serious question?” she asked.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Promise that you won’t get mad first, please.”

“Just ask the question.” And then without thinking about it she had to ask it.

“Am I ever going to be good enough for you?” And he said several things to that, none of them answering his question. He simply spoke in riddles. Typical Vincent. Soon they spoke of her constant jealousy. He brought up the girl at school that he liked, and Loren naturally, said that it didn’t bother her, but just had to scold him when he brought up Jamie. That was definitely hitting below the belt. But she cracked, she admitted that she was still getting jealous, and he seemed happy that she was upset, and only told her that he would have talked about the other girls if she hadn’t admitted to it. He said many things to her that might hint that he liked her, but she refused to believe it. About how he wouldn’t allow himself to like her because she said that he couldn’t keep choosing, and that he wouldn’t play with her heart anymore. And then he told her about the girls he liked. That’s an oxymoron. You don’t want to play with my heart, but you’re going to talk about them? Oh well, she thought. It’s over.

“I’m going to go cool off,” he stated, emotionless. “’Night.”

“Wait Vince…” she paused. “You know that I’d give you a million chances… And you ignore that,” she began, basically telling him that she would never tell him no, and thanking him for not talking advantage of it. But he was ready to leave her anyways.

“Try that in English next time, goodbye.” That was the final straw. He didn’t even ask her to reword it at all. She blew up, totally exploded.

“Fuck you Vince,” She’d had it with him. “If you’re not willing to listen to me, then you’re not worth my time.” And at that she left him; those were the last words that she would ever speak to the horrible monster that had ruined her, turned her inside out, confirmed her bipolar disorder diagnoses, and screwed her over for the fourth and final time. She just slept. She didn’t cry about him anymore.

The next morning she turned on her computer, and saw that he had left her a message, despite how much she wanted to not care, she did. She read the print and was suddenly put at ease. It was over.

“You’re too damn emotional; that’s why you will never be good enough for me.” Loren’s eyes filled with tears, not letting them fall in his presence; she refused to be defeated by him again. She knew that he had in fact trounced her, but she did not want it to show. She turned away and was silent; even though she knew he could not see her, and that he was not even there. She had nothing left to say to him.