Hyper's [JouRnaL] v2

Okay, I've decided every year I'm going to make v[current v+1] of my Journal. I'll repost this same message, only editted to fit me at that time accordingly. So let me begin by completely introducing myself.

I am Isaac. I'm sixteen years old (I'll be seventeen in April). I live in Chandler, Arizona (a suburb of Phoenix). I am a Junior in highschool.

So far I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. For the longest time I wanted to become a police officer. However, the recent realizations of how law enforcement handled my mother's abuse when I was younger has deterred my passion for become an officer of the law.

Currently I want to either major in a Computer Science, or be a Highschool Math teacher. I know, I know, a teacher, Math at that. I have a passion for Math. I'm taking a college sophomore level Math class as a Junior in Highschool.

I use proper grammar a lot. Sure, you'll see me throw down the casual "z0mg!! l33t sauc3 pwn4g3!!!11oneone" but I predominately use proper grammar.

I hate my life. Quite peculiar after having some dreams that I can definately make a reality. But, no matter how dumb it seems, I need a girl in my life. I've been single since June of '05. The girl I was with broke my heart, I've never really been the same since then. All that's come up in the realm of relationships is crushes and lust, nothing more.

I just wish I had a girl I could look forward to seeing. That I know I can just hold when I feel like being manly. Sure, I'm a guy, and I admit to the fact that I cry. I have no problem telling people I've cried over a girl. If people want to make fun of me, that's their prerogative, it doesn't make them bigger than me.

I can kick some serious ass. I'm 6'4". 245 lbs. I pack a punch that knocks the breath out of the wrestling coaches. I've never actually had the opportunity to let myself go, however, so I'm not sure the strength that I truly hold inside. I've never been beat up. I've been in fights, I've been jumped, but nothing has actually qualified as me being beat up.

I am also a virgin. I am a 'man' of virtue. I use the term man loosely, as I am a kid. I believe I am not fully mature enough to qualify as a man, but I am on my way there. I do not believe hitting a female is right, with one exception. If a girl can beat you up, or hits you in the nuts, all rules are shed, beat the shit out of her. Nuts and her being able to beat me up are the only way I will strike a female. I do not drink alcohol. I do not smoke any type of drug or cigarette. I've been offered, but never shall I indulge in those filthy habits.

Okay, so there's me.

Rambles for this evening:

Okay, so today was the first day back to school. Let me tell you, today was the most interesting day I've had at my school to date. I just got a haircut yesterday. People are used to seeing me with shoulder length hair, and now it's only two inches long at longest length (say that five times fast lol).

So yeah, I saw everyone that I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to over intersession. I also met a few new people, females at that. Apparently it's a common misconception that I look good with short hair. I was hit on by five girls, two freshmen, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. I got all of their numbers.

What, the fuck? So yeah, I was extremely flattered. But that is all lust with those girls. They believe in the "If he has big feet" rumor. Sure, it's true with me (I bet you needed to know that haha) but I mean, I'm not here just to please a girl. I need some intellectual stimulation from a female, not physical stimulation. None of these girls could provide me with that, so sadly, I gave them all the boot within an hour of talking to them.

My first hour class is my Calculus BC class (Math). Today being the first day back, I didn't expect to do much. I was correct. We had eight worksheets, fifty trig ratio problems each. Got those done, and just caught up on what happened over the break with my buddies. That was the class where the Junior and Senior girls forced their numbers on me.

My third hour class is Advanced Multimedia Web Design. Basically in there we make websites, mess with photoshop, flash, and dreamweaver. Pretty much any graphics or internet useful program conceivable. In there all I did was watch Sin City on my iPod. I was one of the few people who actually had a log-in account. So I logged my buddy on and just chilled and watched the movie. That movie is totally bomb by the way. If you haven't seen it, I totally recommend it.

My fifth hour class is Physical Education. Now, this was the most boring period I'd had all day. All we did was get our lockers. So I snuck a soccer ball in and some of the crazy Mexicans in my class started shooting on me (I used to be the Varsity boys goalie until I turned it down this year for personal reasons). The bell rang, then came Soccer.

I'm the manager for the Girls JV Soccer team at my school. I work with the goalie and help her train. Today we had a game against our crosstown rivals. Long story short, we won 2-0. Major bragging rights right there.

Okay, so if you haven't noticed the pattern, my school schedules are accordingly:

Monday - Periods 1;2;3;4;5;6

Tuesday - Periods 1;3;5

Wednesday - Periods 2;4;6

Thursday - Periods 1;3;5

Friday - Periods 2;4;6

So yeah, I got home around 8pm. Ate some food, chatted with the step-father, and now I'm talking to you peeps. Some uneventful stuff happened between then and now, but I won't bore you more than I already have.

This concludes this journal entry.

--Isaac

Very nice introduction.

Well you should be lucky that you have such a following, the only guys i get are the ones who look down my shirt and tell me what they see.

As i get older i realise that people aren't interested in interllectual conversations, they just want to talk about television or ZOMG HE WAS LIKE SOO LIKE TOTALLY ON FIRE!

thank your lucky stars your school isn't as "royally fucked" as my new school.

ps. congrats on the numbers.

Isaac, you have the same bell schedule as I do, lol.

I like the intro too, very nice.

Warning: Mature And Graphic Content

Yeah, I've yet to find a girl who can actually have an intellectual conversation. I mean, it doesn't have to be about something as philosophical as 'Why the chicken crossed the road.' only something interesting. Pretty much any situation, circumstance, or statement that, when applied the question 'Why?', is valid.

Okay, so this is weird. See my messages? The syntax and grammar is near flawless. That's not normal, you'll notice that if you've read any of my posts prior to this. I feel like I've been through some sort of transformation.

Let me explain:

Music. I used to be hooked on only rap. Mainstream rap at that. The whole 'Yo my nigga my hoe just left me yo. I got shot up on the block, I lost my glock, fuck this nigga I needta go take a walk.' thing. That horrible, horrible impersonation of true soul. Then I got into Linkin Park. I believe the whole, Rap/Rock Genre was a good transition. I went through a phase where I was into only harder rock. Bands like oldschool System of a Down, Disturbed, Metallica, Nirvana, Pantera. That was what I was into up until this current summer. I've recently made the transition to encompassing all Genre's of music from underground/sidestream Rap to Heavy Metal. I have a very wide appreciation for music. I love that about me.

Thought Process. I have a new view on life. Although, I wouldn't mind ending my life, I see it through a whole new lense. I think this particular transition was due to Jackie. Before we broke up, and before she 'broke my heart' (she didn't actually break my heart now that I look back on it, she just exploited a weakness I had) I used to think along the lines of the stereotypical male. Females have a pussy, that's what I want. Pussy. For the longest time I found myself cheating on Jackie. Not physically, but emotionally.

Let me explain:

There was this girl I met prior to dating Jackie, her name is Lauran. I met her about a month before Jackie and I started dating. Well, she liked to sort of have the equivalent to phone sex with me. She would finger herself and let me listen. That's when I would, well, jack off. Yeah, I know, what a fucking dirty thing for me to do. I'm a guy, I used to be a stereotypical guy, get over it.

Then there was another girl. Brandon, who was my best-friend at the time, his girlfriend. Her name is Donna. After Brandon broke up with her, she started coming onto me. She started sending me erotic E-mails. Even pictures. Now, keep in mind at this time I thought Jackie was such a good Christian girl, and I'd never get any from her, yet I still wanted to give it a chance. So Donna and I went through our phases. Not quite sure what happened to her. But pretty much the same outcome as with Lauran, strictly non-physical however.

Back to the main point.

Jackie and I broke up for the first time in May. She never really gave me a reason. She just kind of said she didn't like it, neither would I. I later found out it was her mother that forced her to do it. After that, she asked me out. Apparently she couldn't take it, being next to me, yet not being mine.

That's when I discovered the Jackie that my primal self desired. She started telling me her true desires. Sexual desires. She asked mine, I happily obliged in telling her.

Then we started doing things. We'd go to a secreted corner in one of the buildings in school and make out. Literally, making out isn't kissing with tongue, it's kissing and groping. She gave me multiple hand jobs. I fingered her, all was good.

Then we broke up for the final time in June. This time it was her reasons. She wanted to live her mother's life. She wanted her mother's approval. Staying with me wasn't going to acheive that. She chose her mother over me.

A week after the day we broke up, I got my license. She invited me over to her house. I still wanted to try and work things out with her, so again, I happily obliged. I got there and we went straight to her room. What happened there I'll never forget.

I sat on her bed and she messed with her radio. She walked over to me, and on impulse, I tickled her. She jumped into my lap and kissed me. We passionately kissed for what seemed like an eternity. That kiss I will never forget. That's when we fell into our normal routine. The grope scene. Hand jobs and fingering. But then she threw me a curveball. Long story short, I ate her out, she gave me head.

Little did I know that's all she wanted from me. After that day we fell further and further apart. Until one day I learned she had a new boyfriend.

That's when I believe the transition was made from stereotypical guy to the guy girls say they want, but will never give a chance.

Yeah, so this post went from me explaining a main quality I need in a girl, to an in-depth explanation of my first, but not last, screw ups. Since I've already, talked about this, I'll probably fill anybody who's interested in on my most recent fuck ups.

This is also the first time I've told anybody everything that actually happened. Yay for honesty.

This concludes this journal entry.

--Isaac

Wow for some reason i remember stuff like that but not in such detail maybe from your other journal or something.

....well i am sorry she used you, you deserve better then that and judging by the recent numbers you have been indundated with forcefully then you are most likely on the right track to finding someone worth your time.

Yeah, I know there was too much information. Hence the "WARNING: MATURE CONTENT" as the title for that post. I just needed to.. put it out there, straight forward. No rated G filtering. Tell it like it is. I think it helped tho, actually letting that out. I was just in the shower. And all I was thinking about was my future. Not in an angsty way, more like I can't wait to have a family. First, positive future day-dream I've had since.. ever really.

Anyways, it's 11:45pm, I've got school in the morning. So I'll leave you to some philosophical quote I came up with.

I came up with this on my own. However, I googled it, and it seems other people have said it. Which is understandable, seeing as how it's general and sort of cliche. But hey, I did think of it, so I'll say it's my quote.

"I am an artist. Life is my palette." -Isaac Kauwe.

Okay, so what does it mean when a lesbian tells you she thinks you're cute? I mean, I know cute is a mild form of attractive, but coming from a lesbian? She's completely gay, don't let the thought of her possibly being bi enter your head, she's hardcore lesbian. Could that possibly translate into good looks?

That's what's on my mind right now. And I have to go to work, yay for work.

--Isaac

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20060107.jpg

har har

Yeah, I know there was too much information. Hence the "WARNING: MATURE CONTENT" as the title for that post. I just needed to.. put it out there, straight forward. No rated G filtering. Tell it like it is. I think it helped tho, actually letting that out. I was just in the shower. And all I was thinking about was my future. Not in an angsty way, more like I can't wait to have a family. First, positive future day-dream I've had since.. ever really.

 

Anyways, it's 11:45pm, I've got school in the morning. So I'll leave you to some philosophical quote I came up with.

 

I came up with this on my own. However, I googled it, and it seems other people have said it. Which is understandable, seeing as how it's general and sort of cliche. But hey, I did think of it, so I'll say it's my quote.

 

"I am an artist. Life is my palette." -Isaac Kauwe.

Yea, it's good that you let it out. Like I said, it actually was important, so no problems lol, not that there would really be any problems anways. Blah, stop listening to me, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Okay, so what does it mean when a lesbian tells you she thinks you're cute? I mean, I know cute is a mild form of attractive, but coming from a lesbian? She's completely gay, don't let the thought of her possibly being bi enter your head, she's hardcore lesbian. Could that possibly translate into good looks?

 

That's what's on my mind right now. And I have to go to work, yay for work.

 

--Isaac

Mayhaps it's in the kind of way that some girls tell eachother that they're cute? I don't know, it really depends how she said it, lol.

The daily ramble:

Okay, so today was the first day I went to my 2;4;6 classes. Let me beign.

Second hour I have English. That class was normal. No real changes in classmates, however, there was the addition of a really hot girl that now sits next to me. I couldn't muster the courage up to talk to her. She didn't even seem like she noticed me. No biggie.

Fourth hour I have History. That class, wow, it got so much better. Aside from the fact that it's the one class I hate the most, with the worst teacher, I think I'll enjoy this semester. There was one gorgeous girl in there. Now there are three. One of them, Tracy Houser, a girl that I've had a sort of crush on since 8th grade. Of course, I don't know her, and aI doubt I'll get to know her, but it sure is awesome to stare at her. There's another girl in there that just transfered in. She's hispanic, she's gorgeous. On top of that, she has braces. OMG, if you don't know, which you probably don't, I find braces one of the most hottest things on girls. Provided they're not all rusty and shit, but OMG, braces just, they do it for me. This girl smiles a lot. I got to talk to her today, names were never mentioned tho. But I made her laugh so much, her gorgeous smile is still in my mind. This seems to be bad for me, I'll end up getting infatuated with her, then BLAM, any sort of friendship with her goes down the drain.

Sixth hour I have Physics. Same teacher as last semester, just different period. Now this class is the PREPPIEST CLASS I've ever been in. OMG, the looks I received when I walked in sportin a shirt not from Hollister, Abercrombie, or Aeropostale. So yeah, no one really talked to me. That's fine, I get work done better in solitude.

Okay, so on to the more, juicy rambling things.

So I work with this girl named Meg. She's gorgeous, I know, I know, it seems like every girl is gorgeous. Big whoop. Anyways, this other guy that used to work with us, but got fired, his name is Zach.

Zach wants Meg. Meg wants nothing to do with Zach. So my friend Jimmy and I have been getting to deal with this whole.. thing. It's driving me nuts.

ANDDDDD

hot off the press (my mind)

Camille just texted me..

Yeah, so I was tellin her about how I couldn't see how she was friends with Ashley. The controlling bitch that is Did's sister. Well, when I told her that, she told me we should turn things down in our friendship.

Here's the text I just receieved:

"U know how u said u cant see why i would want to be friends w ashley? Well ive realized that she is not my friend for treating me the way she did.. also that i am a liar for.. saying that we should turn it down or w/e.. because i only think about u every sec of every day and i was lying 2 myself"

Okay, so what the hell should I do? This is the second time I've come to you, the community and close friends I have on here for help on a major issue. You helped pull me through and keep me alive.

Okay, so I did like Camille. So much, so UNBELIEVABLY much. But then I found out she couldn't date for a year. Okay, so I've waited six months, and survived, even though it was hard, what's another year? Well, she started making life difficult. She'd tell me we needed to talk, tell me something was wrong with us, and then leave me to think about it for days on end, making it so horrible in my mind. When all it is is that she had a bad day. That's so stressing, that's the only positive I can see out of being single.

I told her she stresses me out. That's when I spoke my mind about Ashley. And she told me to tone things down. Well, she completely fucking ignored me. I was *right* in front of her in the halls, and she didn't even acknowledge me. Okay, fine, I took it in the gut, she didn't want anything to do with me, I'll honor that.

Now she throws me this curveball. Part of me is happy. But that's the part I believe that is desperate. I want a girlfriend so bad, you can't even begin to comprehend. But, the another part of me is telling me it's a bad idea.

And then this hits me. She told me that Ashley and myself are the only two people she has. Well, now she's obviously lost Ashley. Leaving me. If I leave, what's going to happen to her? She'll have lost everybody, because of me.

I always think back on that horrible letter she sent me. The one telling me she didn't want to have anything to do with me. That leter alone makes me want to forget about her. But then the rational part of me reasons it. GAH, what should I do?

Please help.

This concludes my journal entry.

--Isaac

Well, okay. Here's my advice. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.

I would go out with her. If you still like her, and since you said you really want a girlfriend, just go for it. That little thing with her hardly noticing you? Well, I think that was just her trying to hide her feelings, if that makes sense. I would definately go for it, especially after that last text you got from her.

But whatever you do, I'm sure it'll eventually work out for you Good luck.

Eh, so Ashley and Camille are no longer friends. As for Camille and I, I don't know what I want to do just yet. I'm still seeking the advice that strikes the right chord.

Today went by fast. Math > Web Design > Lunch > P.E. > Work > Home

Nothing really eventful happened. I found out some new juicy stuff about some coworkers. No real.. highlight of the day.

Underworld just finished downloading. So I'm going to watch it. I'll probably have some philosophical jargon for you guys to get confused with later.

This concludes my journal entry.

--Isaac

Okay, so today is Friday the 13th. Here's my story:

Okay, so I woke up half an hour after I was supposed to leave for school. So already this thirteenth began bad. I didn't get to shower this morning, but luckily I got a shower in last night before I went to bed, so I didn't feel too disgusting.

I was late to my second hour, which is English. Teacher got all pissed off at me, and yeah, it was gay.

History, which is fourth hour, sucked too. We got a seating chart today, and not only do I not sit anywhere near my friends, but I sit next to the two most annoying girls in the class. How gay.

Sixth hour was fine. Just did a quantum physics lab.

Soccer, we won. Varsity and JV.

I know this is a skimpy post, but I'm tired, I feel like shit, and yeah.

Overall, today wasn't a great day.

I found out that I actually have a crush. This girl named Samantha that plays on the JV soccer team.

G_G

This concludes my journal entry.

--Isaac

Meh, sorry your day was shit. I know how you feel about that seating plan though.. :/

Anyways. Err, congrats on your crush? meh, maybe it'll lead to somethin'

Please enlighten us on how many people you are interested in?

seating plans totally own, gives you an excuse to shout out random things across the room until you get to sit next to your friends.

Well, I've completely decided against a relationship with Camille. Sure, she broke off her friendship with Ashley, seemingly because of me. But in reality, she just realized how much of a friend Ashley isn't. I've lost interest in her. No longer do I yearn to be with her, I just, don't have that passion in me for her anymore. Tough luck eh?

How many people am I interested in? Well, that's tricky, right now I'm thinking two people.

Samantha and Karrina.

Here's the issues I'm having about this:

Samantha (Sam) is a Freshman. I'm a Junior. I can almost guaruntee you that her parent's wouldn't be too thrilled about their daughter dating a Junior. That's assuming she even likes me. Which, at this point in time, is still a toss up. One of my friends, Erica, has been talking to me about how I need to stop being a pussy, and talk to Sam. I don't really know her, which is another issue, I don't know her, how can I be sure I like her? Hence the phrase 'interested in her'.

I could always go with the superficial advantages of being a guy. Sam is gorgeous. She's got beautiful blue eyes and sexy medium length blonde hair. I've kept myself from gazing at her breasts and ass. I don't want to just talk to her because of her body. I'd actually like her to be the first girl I like that I've liked not because of her curves, but the way she thinks. I want to get to know her personality, not find her G-spot.

Now, about Karrina. She's a Senior. Quite a jump from Freshman to Senior eh? She ahs been friends with some neighborhood girls I hung out with a while ago forever. They're the closest girls I know. I have no age issues with Karrina. But I do have issues.

She's not a virgin. Okay, so that's been one of the first round K.O.'s that keeps me from liking a girl. But I've started to get over it. The story behind her loss of virginity is that she was fooling around with a guy, and couldn't stop herself from wanting more. "An honest mistake". Now, I know that seems kind of slutty, but I understand how that's happened to her, it almost happened to me.

She also smokes. Not cigarettes, but weed. Now if you've actually talked to me, or read some of my more insightful posts, you'd know my opinion of that kind of person. But I find myself making excuses for her. Justifications if you will. Like, the story behind her virginity, the story behind her pot smoking is also somewhat complicated.

She doesn't buy it herself. So I can't knock her for wasting her hard earned money on it. She doesn't do it often. So I can't knock her for being a pot head.

Now, what the fuck? I've always been strictly against this. Against being interested in girls who smoke, drink, and/or aren't a virgin. Yet, I'm justifying every one of those things. Do I actually like this girl? Why else would I justify these actions that would so quickly knock her from potential girlfriend status? Maybe I'm just.. desperate.

So that's what's up. Samantha and Karrina - the two girls I'm even remotely interested. I mean, I'd definately date Sam, which scares me, because I don't know her. Karrina, well, if she'd put out a little bit, I'd probably date her as well. This isn't looking too good.

This concludes my journal entry.

--Isaac

Wow.. I'm in a very similar situation. And by very similar, I mean the just about the exact same thing (generally, not when you look at details..), just with 3 girls instead of 2. So I know how confusing and frustrating it can be. In fact, I was debating whether or not to revive my journal to let it all out.. but anyways.

My best advice is, even though this will be hipocritical of me to say, is to just forget about the issues, and ask yourself, plain and simple, which you like better. That's the only thing I can really say. Well, good luck with the whole thing :thumbsup: