is this yet another version of the mythical flonk faq which does not exist?????

this one was posted by phil aka somebody about 10 years ago. i just

found it on groups.google. amazingly!!!!1! there are others, i just

copied this one as it was clossest to hand. a few of us mentioned in

it are still here! we really should concider getting a life:

The Official Rules, Regulations, Charter, FAQ, and Other Phenomenon of

alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Appendix B. The 'ARE YOU AL CAPONE?' online test.

1. Have you ever stuffed 5 pounds of a controlled substance up your

butt in order to smuggle it out of Amsterdam?

[]Yes. []No.

2. Have you ever stuffed 5 pounds of a controlled substance up your

butt just for the Hell of it?

[]Yes. []No.

3. Will you only have sex with a farm animal if it's white?

[]Yes. []No.

4. Do you spend more money on ISP startup fees than you spend on food?

[]Yes. []No.

5. If Howard Stern dropped his pants in a Greyhound bus station men's

room and told you to "suck it, you adoring little freak"...would you?

[]Yes. []No.

6. If ANYONE dropped their pants in a Greyhound bus station men's room

and told you to "suck it, you adoring little freak"...would you?

[]Yes. []No.

7. Have you ever been so humiliated by another Usenet poster that you

called them at home, bragged about it later on Usenet...were informed

that only BADLY BEATEN CUNTS call other Usenet posters at home, and

then denied doing it?

[]Yes. []No.

8. Have you ever been so humiliated by another Usenet poster that you

mailbombed their ISPs complaint department with 180+ emails, bragged

about it later on Usenet...were informed that only BADLY BEATEN CUNTS

mailbomb...AND YOU'RE SO STUMP-STUPID THAT YOU'RE STILL FRIGGIN'

BRAGGING ABOUT IT???

[]Yes. []No.

9. Does your mother have sex for food stamps?

[]Yes. []No.

10. Does your mother have sex with -you- for food stamps?

[]Yes. []No.

11. Does your mother have sex with -you- just for the Hell of it?

[]Yes. []No.

12. Do you think of Adolf Hitler as 'just a misunderstood little guy

with a sexy moustache'?

[]Yes. []No.

13. Are you proud of your inability to spell the word

'queer' correctly?

[]Yes. []No.

14. Are you proud of your inability to spell the word 'the' correctly?

[]Yes. []No.

15. Have you ever posted 40+ Usenet articles accusing other users of

being 'Usenet Junkies' in one day, and then wondered why all the

replies contained the words 'pot', 'kettle' and 'black'?

[]Yes. []No.

16. Have you ever placed 8th or lower in the Special Olympics (any

event)?

[]Yes. []No.

17. When you go down on a black man, do you refrain from calling him a

'******' until he's paid you and driven away?

[]Yes. []No.

18. Have you been declared "clinically brain dead due to massive drug

overdose" on more than 7 occasions?

[]Yes. []No.

19. Were you kicked out of the KKK because you were 'ruining their

image'?

[]Yes. []No.

20. Do BeanieBabies freak you out, what with the way they just sit

there and stare at you with their beady little eyes and such?

[]Yes. []No.

SCORING (Giving yourself 1 point for every 'yes' answer):

0 points: Take the test over, you stupid buttslug...You screwed it up.

#20 was a control question; EVERYONE should have answered 'yes'.

1 point: You're NOT Al Capone. Fall upon your knees and give joyful

thanks, and then do it again.

2-10 points: You're still not Al Capone, but you DO have some very

SERIOUS problems. Seek Professional Help Immediately.

11-19 points: Not only ARE you Al Capone, but the fact that you didn't

score a perfect '20' shows that you didn't even have the common

fucking decency to answer all the questions honestly. KILL YOURSELF.

20 points: SHUT UP, AL!

Appendix C. Mary's little lamb

--

Mary had a little skirt

With slits right up the sides

And everytime she crossed her legs

The boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt

With a slit right up the front

She never wore that one...

--

Mary had a little lamb

She also had a duck

She put them on the window ledge

To see if they would fff... fall off

--

Mary had a little lamb

And the doctor was quite surprised

But when Old Macdonald had a farm,

He couldn't believe his eyes.

--

Mary had a little bike

She rode it back to front

Whe the front wheele went round

The spokes went up her cunt

--

Mary had a little calf,

She showed it very well;

There were women on the jury -

Now Mary's in a cell.

--

Mary had a little lamb,

the Butcher killed it dead,

Now Mary takes her lamb to school

between two chunks of bread

--

Mary had a little calf,

She showed it very well;

There were women on the jury -

Now Mary's in a cell.

--

Appendix D. Smeeter v1.3

1. Somebody

2. Flaagg

3. Space Girl

4. WeeSaul

5. Rick.C

6. Terry Buris

7. Rocky

8. Jungle Acid

9. Smoky Behr

10. jelliebun

11. balloo

12. Dave Hillstrom

13. Dr. Entropy

14. Arsenic

15. cb cool

16. foxanna&arroo

17. Ethics Gradient

18 The Duck

19. minou

20. puck

Appendix E. Toast

Here is to the moment of sweet repose,

When it's tummy to tummy and toes to toes.

And after that moment of sweet delight,

It's tushie to tushie the rest of the night.

----

Here's to you, here's to me,

Hope we never disagree.

But if we do,

Here's to me, here's to you,

Screw you.

----

Cheers to you and cheers to me,

The best of friends we'll always be.

But just in case we disagree,

To Hell with you and cheers to me

----

Champagne to real friends and real pain to sham friends.

----

Here's to our wives and lovers - may they never meet!

----

Appendix F. Mad Hatter Matrices

[note: see 13b]

mhm 1x1 MH (Brad Turcotte)

mhm 1x2 Jamie Durie

mhm 1x3 A.D.P.

mhm 2x3 Rain King (Jeff Jackson)

mhm 2x9 Elizabeth Hill

mhm 4x9 BLIX (Jason Norman)

mhm 6x3 Mrovka (Suzi Wilson)

mhm 7x1 John Nowicki

mhm 7x2 An Expert Witness (Robert Herman)

mhm 7x9 The Dragon

mhm 7x13x17 CP (Jon Marburger)

mhm 9x1 Doctor Fraud (Lorrill Buyens)

mhm 9x2 Flaagg (Aaron Henne)

mhm 9x4 Rob Fairchild

mhm 9x5 Space Girl

mhm 9x9 puck (Heather Chappelle)

mhm 9x12 (and/or 12x9) Ryland

mhm 9x21 (and/or 15x9) Spud

mhm 10x1 Amy Lockhart

mhm 10x5x2 Mr. Juicy (Geoffrey Scott)

mhm 10x7 Dan Hughes

mhm 10x8 Susan Groppi

mhm 10x17 Blueswoman (Chris Curtis)

mhm 11x1 Joanna the Malkavian (Joanna Calvin)

mhm 11x7 Laney Cummings

mhm 11x8 Sarah Dugan

mhm 11x10 The Aerie (Anthony Jenkins)

mhm 12x4 Rv (Harvey Gilpin)

mhm 12x5 R (Roger Day)

mhm 12x8 Jahna Margaret Hartwig

mhm 13x3 Overall

mhm 13x5 Bev Parks

mhm 13x10 Colin "Man of Godd" Qquaye.

mhm 14x2 J.

mhm 14x3 Hamster

mhm 14x4 depression at its happiest... (Kelly)

mhm 14x5 Rob [Not-Bob]

mhm 14x6 Ethics Gradient (Harry French)

mhm 14x9 CRACKERJACK

mhm 15x1 balloo (Benjamin Capoeman)

mhm 15x3 Rick.C (Rick Chalfant)

mhm 15x4 Dave Hillstrom

mhm 15x5 WeeSaul

mhm 15x6 JungleAcid (James Moening)

mhm 15x8 julian

mhm 15x10 au730@ detroit.freenet.org (Mark Brown)

mhm 15x11 Arsenic (Lewis Bateman)

mhm 15x12 Raoul Xemblinosky III

mhm 15x13 Ben Woodbridge

mhm 15x14 Sara Peters

mhm 16x3 Rocky

mhm 16x6 Lord Xarph (Tod Weitzel)

mhm 16x8 The Prince Of Lies

mhm 16x9 cb cool (R. Christine Boatwright)

mhm 17x1 Dr Entropy

mhm 17x2 Somebody

mhm 20x4 Jael4Jud

mhm 20x7 John F Stepp

mhm 20x8 Menjy (Mark Bullock)

mhm 20x9 Tim Coleman

mhm 20x10 Clueless Wombat Cabal (Mike Egan)

mhm 20x14 Elmyra Duff

mhm 20x18 Smee (Peggy)

mhm 20x20 Jelliebun (Janice McCready)

mhm 21x2 Wingel (Lee Ewing)

mhm 21x12 Smokey Behr

mhm 21x13 foxanna and arroo

mhm 21x14 Pedagathon (Duncan Thomas)

mhm 21x18 Bobby Tendinitis

mhm 21x19 Holyman (Paul Thomas)

mhm 21x20 The 2-Belo (Jeffrey Boyd)

mhm 21x21 Frosted Flake (Terry Burris)

Appendix G. Today's lesson: Early Modern English!

Ye: A rather uncommon plural form of you. Not to be used for singular

case. Proper singlular would be 'you' (formal) or 'thou' (informal).

Also, 'ye' is commonly misused to mean 'the', as in 'Ye olde taverne.'

This dates back even further than Early Modern English to a time when

there was a symbol in the English language called the 'thorn'. It

looked

remotely like a script y and was commonly confused for one. Its sound

is

that of the 'th' in 'the'.

Maketh: The third person singular (present active indicative) of the

verb 'to make.' For those of you unfamiliar with the lingo, this means

that it is used with a noun or the pronouns 'he,' 'she,' and 'it.' For

example, 'He maketh no sense,' or 'Thy comment maketh no sense.' An

Early Modern English conjugation of the verb 'to make' follows (in the

present active indicative):

Singular Plural

1st: I make We make

2nd: Thou makest You make (also 2nd Singular formal)

3rd: He/she/it maketh You make

This concludeth our lesson for the day. There shall be a quiz at the

end

of the week.

Appendix H. 'Buggered Loaf' By Harry and Duncan (he he he he)

1) Take stupidly high powered microwave/grill combo and two frozen

baps.

2) Microwave baps at full until steam is seen boiling off baps (about

4

mins)

3) separate bap halves and lie crust side down on dish

4) Grill at full power for 4 mins

5) Grill/microwave combo at full power for about 6 mins, or until

golden

brown.

The baps should now be the proper colour, but as hard as fucking

nails.

These little delecacies can be now used as clay pidgeons, and will

explode when thrown at a hard suface with sufficient force.

I put butter on one, letting he butter soak 8mm into the bap.

It still didn't give an inch.

Note:

Baps: A bread roll. Also used to describe a womans thrupeny bits.

List of Rockettes

Frosted Flake 1

Anne 2

Puck 3

Smee 4

Spave Girl 5

Jelliebun 6

Somebody 7

Advice for impending nuptials.

1. Take every opportunity for a drink. You may be completely sloshed

by the time you arrive at the actual ceremony, but you'll feel no

pain.

2. Other chemicals may be imbibed as needed and available.

3. Administer said drinks and chemicals to balloo as well.

4. Be aware that silliness will accelerate and peak before the

wedding.

5. Take another drink.

6. Use the flonk for ranting and venting.

7. Movie