joke of the day.

I have been getting lot of jokes emailed to me with the election now being over. Most about the new President. So I thought I would start a new post and give everyone a chance to post a joke of the day. I'll add mine here in a few days when I have a chance to go into my email and find one. Anyway enjoy and post away.

Twas the Night Before Elections . . .

 

 

Twas the night before elections

And all through the town

Tempers were flaring

Emotions all up and down!

 

I, in my bathrobe

With a cat in my lap

Had cut off the TV

Tired of political crap.

 

When all of a sudden

There arose such a noise

I peered out of my window

Saw Obama and his boys

 

They had come for my wallet

They wanted my pay

To give to the others

Who had not worked a day!

 

He snatched up my money

And quick as a wink

Jumped back on his bandwagon

As I gagged from the stink

 

He then rallied his henchmen

Who were pulling his cart

I could tell they were out

To tear my country apart!

 

On Fannie, on Freddie,

On Biden and Ayers!

On Acorn, On Pelosi'

He screamed at the pairs!

 

They took off for his cause

And as he flew out of sight

I heard him laugh at the nation

Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

 

So I leave you to think

On this one final note-

IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM

GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

This isn't a joke, but it's super-cute:

 

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Edited April 2, 2016 by rem

A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something that makes me happy and sad at the same time."

 

The wife thinks for a minute then says: "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."

A guy shopping at the supermarket notices a hot woman waving at him.

 

"Do I know you?" he says, walking over.

 

"I think you are the father of one of my kids," the woman says.

 

"Are you the hooker I banged behind the Chuck E. Cheese's during my son's birthday party?"

 

"No," she says. I'm his math teacher."

A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun.He shouts "this is a stick-up everyone get on the floor!

 

He proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

 

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts,"Did anybody else here see my face?"

 

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

 

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner... "I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

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My brother told me this one. It's politically incorrect, but he's an asshole so...whatever.

 

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Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

 

A. Nothing...she's been told twice already.

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Yes...i know it's bad.......

Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher?

 

 

A: Smack her.

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Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher?

 

 

A: Smack her.

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Heehee.....

Here's another politically incorrect joke...

 

What do you call a black man wearing a suit and driving a Jaguar?

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A ni####!

Little boy: Mommy, mommy, I hate sister's guts.

Non-PC mommy: Shut up, and eat 'em whle they are hot.

It was quite a few years ago now when we had a spate of Essex Girl Jokes. Essex is a shire in England. Here are a few of the better ones:

 

Q/ What does an Essex girl use for protection ?

A/ A bus shelter

 

Q/ Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?

A/ One has a moustache and stinks of fish, and the other is a marine mammal.

Why do watches make bad gifts for your wife??

 

 

Cause there is already a clock on the stove.

 

 

 

 

 

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

 

Because she was a woman.

 

 

 

How do you keep a clown from smiling?

 

Hit him in the face with an ax.

 

 

 

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

 

He wiped.

Why do watches make bad gifts for your wife??

 

 

Cause there is already a clock on the stove.

 

 

 

 

 

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

 

Because she was a woman.

 

 

 

How do you keep a clown from smiling?

 

Hit him in the face with an ax.

 

 

 

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

 

He wiped.

 

 

Are those from memory, or do you still have a copy of "Truly Tasteless Jokes"?

 

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

 

A: Two scoops of icecream and one scoop of dead baby.

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Are those in "Truly tasteless Jokes?"

 

I need to get me that! lol

 

Those are some of my favorites from theyears. The Helen Keller one is usualy the finale of a bunch of Helen Keller jokes:

 

Did you hear the one about Helen Keller's Grandma?

Neither did she.

 

Why was the side of Helen Kellers face burnt?

She answered the Iron.

 

Why was the other side burned?

They called back.

 

Why were Helen Kellers fingertips burned?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

 

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would to if you name was mmmrrrrggghhhoop.

 

 

Helen Keller went to town

Riding on a pony.

Stucka feather in her hat

and called it mmmrrrrggghhhoop.

 

 

 

 

and some extra cannibal ones:

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

Two cannibals cannot pass by each other on a narrow bridge. One of them got so mad, he threw his arms up in disgust.

 

 

 

Are those in "Truly tasteless Jokes?"

 

 

Yea. There's a whole chapter of just Helen Keller jokes.

 

One of my friends had that book when I was in junior high.

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My friends' dad had a book of dead baby jokes hidden with his stash of Hustler mags. Weird....but both were a good read

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!!

So many men dying that way!"

 

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and

there is always that risk involved."

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is in a

Brazilian, anyway?"

 

:D:D:D

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!!

So many men dying that way!"

 

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and

there is always that risk involved."

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is in a

Brazilian, anyway?"

 

:D:D:D

 

lol, I heard this with George W in place of the blonde.

My friends' dad had a book of dead baby jokes hidden with his stash of Hustler mags. Weird....but both were a good read

Q. Which is easier to unload - a trainload of bowling balls, or a trainload of dead babies?

 

A. Dead babies. You can use a pitchfork.

:o

Boys: Mrs. Jones, can Jimmy come out and play?

 

Mrs. Jones: Boys, you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs.

 

Boys: That's OK, we want to use him for third base.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

 

Leukemia

THREE WISHES FROM THE OBAMA FAIRY

 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.

 

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'

 

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

 

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --

 

PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

 

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

 

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

 

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

 

I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.

 

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Balt imore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

 

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

 

 

 

 

The fairy said TOO BAD, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

 

And she disappeared.

. Edited April 2, 2016 by rem

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.