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McCain's Veep Sweepstakes: An Embarrassment Of Riches
By Nick Paccione
Created Feb 10 2008 - 9:43am
So it's Senator John McCain from Arizona topping the GOP Presidential ticket
in November 2008. Now we can begin speculating about his running mate. Mike
Huckabee, Condi Rice and Mitt Romney are all names being touted by hackneyed
pundits. A few have mentioned southern governors like Haley Barbour, Charlie
Crist and Mark Sanford or underexposed Congressman Rob Portman from Ohio.
Yawn and yawn again. In the spirit of bipartisan benevolence, here are my
suggestions for Senator McCain as he sorts through his VP options:
Bob Dole--McCain and Dole would be a dream ticket with a simple brand that
would endear them to America: "Grumpy Old Men." It's fun and nostalgic.
Besides, Americans love feisty, kooky old white men that are set in their
ways and more than a little ill-tempered. Forget about Reagan sleeping
through two terms. These two would be a hoot fighting over canes, walkers,
Viagra, vitamin supplements and atomic weapons. That's McCain. No that's
your walker.
Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay--Republicans love running
a criminal in the VP slot going back to Richard Nixon as Ike's right hand
man. Nixon chose tax evader Spiro Agnew as his running mate. And then W
topped them all with Dick Cheney--constitution demolisher, torturer, shooter
of faces and war criminal. Tom Delay has already been indicted for his
criminal behavior as a Congressman. He deserves consideration. Word has it
that Scooter Libby is also free.
McCain/Bush--Why not? There's been a Bush or a Clinton successfully running
for President on a major ticket since 1980. Most would think it should be
former Florida Governor Jeb Bush but I'm an advocate for former First Lady
Barbara Bush. During the Katrina crisis, this pearl-wearing, gray-haired
madcap curmudgeon demonstrated the heartlessness that the Republican base
seems to love plus I'd bet heavily on her if an argument with Hillary
Clinton came to blows. It would be McCain's best bet for putting a woman on
his Republican ticket, extinguishing the limelight given to the Democrats
for cracking the glass ceiling.
McCain/Santorum--Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania who compared
gay sex between consenting adults to pedophilia and bestiality, has all the
credentials that made Dan Quayle so appealing. He's young and has the brains
and good looks of a department-store mannequin. Unfortunately he has come
out as a strong critic of John McCain, questioning his pro-life voting
record. Santorum wonders if McCain holds true conservative values like the
ones Santorum promotes when he blames the Katrina victims for staying behind
when they were duly warned of the coming disaster. Nice. But he'd be a hit
with the Evangelical base and we hear he can even spell "potato."
McCain/Stallone--People love a has-been in comeback mode. With Sylvester on
the ticket you get two for the price of one.
McCain/Phelps--Fred Phelps is the leader of the Westboro Baptist
Fundamentalist Church. He and his congregants spend their time attending
various funerals while arbitrarily holding up signs with catchy little
phrases like "God Hates Fags." Since it's the VPs chief duty to attend
funerals anyway, Phelps could do what he does best without much training.
McCain/Zogby--John Zogby needs a job. As a pollster he's been as accurate as
Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle. Most notably in California's Democratic
Super Tuesday face-off, the Zogby poll predicted Obama 49% of the vote to
Hillary Clinton's 36%. The actual results were Clinton 52%, Obama 42%. His
findings for the GOP in California: Mitt Romney 40%, John McCain 33%. The
actual results: McCain 42%, Romney 34%. Bush's and Cheney's horrendous
"miscalculations" still meet with rabid approval from the Republican base.
With this in mind, Zogby's incompetence would be sure to please.
Joe Lieberman as VP would keep pollsters busy as they try to determine who
is more despised by their respective party's base--Joe or John? It would be
close and a reliable distraction as the Iraq War marches toward its 100-year
anniversary.
McCain/Craig--That's right, Larry Craig. I'll bet no one even remembers that
this U.S. Senator from Idaho was arrested for lewd conduct in the men's room
at the Minneapolis International Airport. Literally caught with his pants
down, playing footsy with an undercover vice officer, Craig has publicly
stated that he's not Gay. His candidacy would bring new meaning to McCain's
"Straight Talk Express." Come on John, it'd be fun.
There are so many others. The most pressing advice for McCain: "Don't think
about who might be best for the country; just concentrate on elect-ability.
And remember for the sake of shoring up the Republican base--the nuttier the
better."
McCain can win this thing if he chooses from the multitude of dense,
dim-witted and criminally-inclined Republicans. As long as no one lies about
sex he or she can be a GOP superstar. In the Veep Sweeps, it's an
embarrassment of riches for McCain and the Republicans. For America, it's
more than likely just another embarrassment.
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
By Nick Paccione
Created Feb 10 2008 - 9:43am
So it's Senator John McCain from Arizona topping the GOP Presidential ticket
in November 2008. Now we can begin speculating about his running mate. Mike
Huckabee, Condi Rice and Mitt Romney are all names being touted by hackneyed
pundits. A few have mentioned southern governors like Haley Barbour, Charlie
Crist and Mark Sanford or underexposed Congressman Rob Portman from Ohio.
Yawn and yawn again. In the spirit of bipartisan benevolence, here are my
suggestions for Senator McCain as he sorts through his VP options:
Bob Dole--McCain and Dole would be a dream ticket with a simple brand that
would endear them to America: "Grumpy Old Men." It's fun and nostalgic.
Besides, Americans love feisty, kooky old white men that are set in their
ways and more than a little ill-tempered. Forget about Reagan sleeping
through two terms. These two would be a hoot fighting over canes, walkers,
Viagra, vitamin supplements and atomic weapons. That's McCain. No that's
your walker.
Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay--Republicans love running
a criminal in the VP slot going back to Richard Nixon as Ike's right hand
man. Nixon chose tax evader Spiro Agnew as his running mate. And then W
topped them all with Dick Cheney--constitution demolisher, torturer, shooter
of faces and war criminal. Tom Delay has already been indicted for his
criminal behavior as a Congressman. He deserves consideration. Word has it
that Scooter Libby is also free.
McCain/Bush--Why not? There's been a Bush or a Clinton successfully running
for President on a major ticket since 1980. Most would think it should be
former Florida Governor Jeb Bush but I'm an advocate for former First Lady
Barbara Bush. During the Katrina crisis, this pearl-wearing, gray-haired
madcap curmudgeon demonstrated the heartlessness that the Republican base
seems to love plus I'd bet heavily on her if an argument with Hillary
Clinton came to blows. It would be McCain's best bet for putting a woman on
his Republican ticket, extinguishing the limelight given to the Democrats
for cracking the glass ceiling.
McCain/Santorum--Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania who compared
gay sex between consenting adults to pedophilia and bestiality, has all the
credentials that made Dan Quayle so appealing. He's young and has the brains
and good looks of a department-store mannequin. Unfortunately he has come
out as a strong critic of John McCain, questioning his pro-life voting
record. Santorum wonders if McCain holds true conservative values like the
ones Santorum promotes when he blames the Katrina victims for staying behind
when they were duly warned of the coming disaster. Nice. But he'd be a hit
with the Evangelical base and we hear he can even spell "potato."
McCain/Stallone--People love a has-been in comeback mode. With Sylvester on
the ticket you get two for the price of one.
McCain/Phelps--Fred Phelps is the leader of the Westboro Baptist
Fundamentalist Church. He and his congregants spend their time attending
various funerals while arbitrarily holding up signs with catchy little
phrases like "God Hates Fags." Since it's the VPs chief duty to attend
funerals anyway, Phelps could do what he does best without much training.
McCain/Zogby--John Zogby needs a job. As a pollster he's been as accurate as
Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle. Most notably in California's Democratic
Super Tuesday face-off, the Zogby poll predicted Obama 49% of the vote to
Hillary Clinton's 36%. The actual results were Clinton 52%, Obama 42%. His
findings for the GOP in California: Mitt Romney 40%, John McCain 33%. The
actual results: McCain 42%, Romney 34%. Bush's and Cheney's horrendous
"miscalculations" still meet with rabid approval from the Republican base.
With this in mind, Zogby's incompetence would be sure to please.
Joe Lieberman as VP would keep pollsters busy as they try to determine who
is more despised by their respective party's base--Joe or John? It would be
close and a reliable distraction as the Iraq War marches toward its 100-year
anniversary.
McCain/Craig--That's right, Larry Craig. I'll bet no one even remembers that
this U.S. Senator from Idaho was arrested for lewd conduct in the men's room
at the Minneapolis International Airport. Literally caught with his pants
down, playing footsy with an undercover vice officer, Craig has publicly
stated that he's not Gay. His candidacy would bring new meaning to McCain's
"Straight Talk Express." Come on John, it'd be fun.
There are so many others. The most pressing advice for McCain: "Don't think
about who might be best for the country; just concentrate on elect-ability.
And remember for the sake of shoring up the Republican base--the nuttier the
better."
McCain can win this thing if he chooses from the multitude of dense,
dim-witted and criminally-inclined Republicans. As long as no one lies about
sex he or she can be a GOP superstar. In the Veep Sweeps, it's an
embarrassment of riches for McCain and the Republicans. For America, it's
more than likely just another embarrassment.
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
