Nobel Peace Prize Committee Disbands - Nullifies Past Prizes

OSLO (SATIRENEWSERVICE) -- Responding to overwhelming pressure from every

civilized person on earth with any semblance of intelligence, the Nobel

Peace Prize Committee today announced that it had voted to terminate its

charter. Just prior to the unanimous vote, the Committee voted to rescind

numerous past prizes - including the 2007 prize to itinerant comedian and

performance artist Albert Gore of the United States - and award those prizes

and all future prizes to the United States military.

"This about face by the Nobel Peace Committee," stated former Committee

Chairman and former leader of the Norwegian Labor Party, Trygve Andreesen,

"came after hundreds of millions of civilized people sent e-mails, letters,

telegrams, text messages, voicemails and carrier pigeon messages demanding

that we stop giving awards to Islamic martyrdom supporters like Jimmy

Carter, frauds like Rigoberto Menchu and corrupt mass-murderers like Yassir

Arafat."

"We got the message," said Ola Oppigardem, Committee Secretary and former

leader of the Norwegian Labor Party. "The Gore prize was what did it. We

acknowledge that the warming of the Earth's surface is an important issue

that deserves careful scientific study, but we didn't realize that Gore was

an egocentric Luddite who specializes in creating hysteria and false

science. Because we closely follow the consensus media for our news, those

facts were simply not available to us. This outpouring of information from

concerned people everywhere caused us to reappraise our entire reason for

being. We discovered we had none."

Norway's King Harald, whose influence pushed the Nobel Committee to act,

defended the Committee saying, "I truly don't believe they realized how

frivolous and absurd they had become, how ridiculous, vapid, self-centered

and dim-witted they appeared to intelligent people all over the world, how

silly, provincial and uninformed they made the people of Norway look, how

bizarre, counter-productive and downright dangerous some of their choices

had been and how hackneyed and self-righteous their announcements sounded."

At the Gala reception honoring the termination and re-awarding of the

prizes, Committee Spokesperson, Karim Bekkemellem, former leader of the

Norwegian Labor Party, said of the new awards: "The decision regarding the

U.S. military will come as no shock to any sentient person who has given any

thought at all to the matter. After a careful review of the facts, the

Committee has determined that the Nobel Peace Prize awards for 56 of the

past 67 years should have been presented to the United States military

rather than their original recipients."

The years for which the U.S. Military will be awarded the retroactive peace

prizes include 1942 through 1991 for its work in combating, containing and

defeating communist, fascist, authoritarian, Islamic and generally racist

and Manichean militarism throughout the world; in 1998 for its work in

protecting Muslims in the Balkans from European facilitated genocide; and

from 2000-2003 and 2005-2007 for its work protecting the civilized world

from aggressive Islamo-Fascism. The Award for 2004 has been re-awarded to

the Australian and U.S. Navies for their work in actually delivering real

and timely aid to the victims of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami - "as opposed

to simply making promises like most organizations and countries did," stated

the press materials announcing the award.

The Committee also stated that it had awarded posthumously the 1936 through

1941 Nobel Peace Prizes to the late Sir Winston Churchill of the United

Kingdom. The 1986-91 prizes will be shared by the U.S. military and the late

U.S. President Ronald W. Reagan.

The United States military was unable to attend the lavish banquet due to

previous, long-standing commitments and obligations elsewhere such as

protecting civilization from genocidal madmen with mountains of oil money

and an end-of-the-earth ideology. Two representatives accepted the Prizes on

behalf of the U.S. military - former Senator Robert Dole (R-KS) and Senator

Daniel Inouye (D-HI).

"Well, we never really expected any sincere gratitude from these Europeans,"

said Senator Dole, who was wounded in Europe during World War II fighting

Nazis. "It's kinda nice and Elizabeth and I, we're really, almost sort of

honored to be here to accept the award for people who actually do real work

for peace."

Added Senator Inouye who was also wounded defending Europe in World War II,

"I always thought the peace prize was a bunch of crap given to whiney,

self-aggrandizing, busybodies by a bunch of self-important, narcissistic

gullible, retired, left-wing, Norwegian, gasbag politicos. These awards may

cause me to consider thinking about possibly reassessing my opinion."

With regard to the future awards, the Committee issued the following

statement: "In light of the Chinese, Russian, Iranian and North Korean

threats, the threats of Islamic terrorists and their state-sponsors, and

potential breakdown of states into warring tribal factions, the Nobel Peace

Prize Committee believes that the U.S. Military will likely be the recipient

of every Nobel Peace Prize for the next thirty to forty years. For that

reason, the Committee has disbanded and placed its considerable financial

resources into the hands of "the only institution capable of maintaining and

enhancing the peace of the world."

In its final statement, the Committee stated that it specifically wished to

rescind the Prizes of four political entrepreneurs: the 1972 prize awarded

to Le Duc Tho, a leader in the "reeducation, prison-camp and refugee

creation" business; the 1994 prize given to the late Yassir Arafat, a leader

in the "corruption and violent mass murder" business; the Prize of 2002

awarded to James Earl Carter, a leader in the "egocentric dilettante serving

the Saudi Arabian and other Arab regimes" business; and the 2007 prize

awarded to Mr. Gore. The Committee stated that it specifically regretted

these errors.

Daniel B. Klein, "Nobel Peace Prize Committee Disbands!" _Tech Central

Station Daily_, October 24, 2007

~ http://www.tcsdaily.com/article.aspx?id=101907A

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