J
J. Raoul Xemblinosky
Guest
I honestly believe this was Manny's greatest story ever.
---------------------------
On Mon, 18 Feb 2008 21:57:20 -0500, "Ferd Berfle" <fanny@farkle.com>
wrote:
>Indeed!
>
>
>From: Manny
>Subject: Trials, Tribulations and Such
>Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999
>
>Life is now becoming a completely boring experience. I am being denied the
>priviledge of spreading confusion, hate and discontent among the masses.
>
>This morning I was sitting playing with this damned computer. I just moved
>into a downstairs, actually backyard view apartment. The front parking lot
>of this building is facing the parking lot. As a result the bottom floor
>has no front view except for a flower bed full of plants, none of them
>edible or smokable. The bedroom window has a fantastic view of the river
>and the garden plots in the back of the building as well as a nice view of
>the gazebo and such. Problem is, people walking by the window can see
>inside if they shade their eyes and put they faces right up against the
>jalousies.
>
>On occassion some idiot will do just that. When I notice, I usually reply
>with an expletive I learned while living on Treasure Island, Florida.
>"What the **** you looking at?" Normal reply for the situation, I would
>think. This morning, I am sitting here in my skivvies trying to think of
>some way to antagonize somebody and I get this crawly feeling I was being
>watched. I looked up and here was this old ugly, and I mean Redd Foxx type
>ugly Portagee woman with her hands shielding her eyes staring at my old,
>fat neglected body. I didn't even have a hard on to impress her with. I
>looked at her, I am talking a distance of about two feet, and yelled,
>"what the **** you looking at?" She responded with a "**** you you no good
>sonofabitch, don't you talk like that around my granddaughter." Well In
>case they was actually a granddaughter there I know not because the window
>sill is much higher than her grand daughter is tall and I didn't see
>anybody else."Look, you ugly, sleazy old Portagee peeping Thomaset, says
>I, I am gonna file a complaint against you with the ****en building
>manager."
>
>Fifteen minutes later I went upstairs to check my mailbox, hoping maybe
>Uncle Gus had sent a new shipment of chocolate chip cookies or something
>and the old bitch walked by and elbowed me in the ribs and shoulder
>blocked me into the wall of mailboxes. I just went to the doctor yesterday
>because I am in the middle of a congestive heart failure problem brought
>on by them ****en trolls and ****. My lungs are filling with water and I
>am slowly drowning is the only way to explain the situation. The doctor
>gave me some really good meds and I pissed out about a gallon of water
>yesterday afternoon and last night. He also gave me a bunch of percodan,
>which had my nerves pretty calm and such, but had thrown me into a
>horrible state of constipation. To correct this he gave me a bottle of
>asorbate solution which I drank before reading the directions. It was a
>twelve ounce bottle and that is the same size beer comes in so I just
>drank the bottle this morning figuring that would take care of the
>problem.
>
>Lasix is the med he gave me to get rid of the water on my lungs. It is
>called Lasix because it lasts six hours. Get it? LAst SIX hours. Well the
>elbow to the ribs and the shoulder block into the mailbox wall just about
>knocked me out. I could not breath at all. This built up a tremendous
>amount of pressure. I had taken two of the 40 mg Lasix tablets and drunk
>the whole damned bottle of Absorbate about two hours previously. I managed
>to sit down on a little bench trying to catch my breath. Was having
>absolutely no luck doing that. But that was just about the time the lasix
>and the absorbate kicked in. The old bitch called the police and filed a
>complaint against me for using profanity in front of her grandchild. About
>the time the police got out of their car, the lasix and absorbate
>liberated my kidneys and bowels in one big heave. This resulted in a giant
>expulsion of feces which resembled golf balls and a stream of piss that
>would have done a Missouri Mule proud. I had taken off my skivvies and was
>only wearing a pair of short pajama bottoms, so there was not much
>resistance to the expulsion. ****, piss and other weird body fluids
>started squirting all over the bench and the golf ball sized turds started
>rolling across the floor in front of the bench. I still couldn't breathe
>but had begun to cough profusly which made the golf ball shaped turds come
>out in rapid profusion. The first policeman who got out of the car didn't
>know what the hell was going on and ran up to me to see if he could offer
>some assistance or maybe call an ambulance. Naturally he stepped on
>several of the golf balls and even though they were hard and rolling
>around they squished when he stepped on the first one and the rest of them
>squished some more when he fell on his ass in the middle of the whole
>mess.
>
>This would not have been so bad, but he had a warrant for my arrest for
>disorderly conduct due to the complaint the old Portagee lady had filed
>against me for using profanity in front of her grand daughter. The second
>cop came up and asked me if I was Manny and unfortunately I admitted to
>the fact and he handcuffed me and started walking me to the police car.
>The first cop was yelling at him, " No no no, don't put him in the car."
>Meanwhile Stumpy had called my doctor and told him what was happening and
>my Doctor called the police dispatcher and told them to rush me to the
>nearest hospital. He also instructed them not to wait for an ambulance
>that it was an emergency situation.
>
>Well, I just got back from the hospital. The police decided they didn't
>want to **** with the paper work involved in writing up the old lady's
>complaint and were still in the hospital parking lot arguing about who was
>going to have to drive that stinking police car back to the station, when
>my son picked me up to bring me home.
>
>And this was all the fault of them ****en trolls that overtook the
>alt.clubs.just-for-fun newsgroup. It's not real life, its just usenet?
>Bullshit! Are you listening Andrew?
>
>manny
>
>
>
>
>"oneson" <oneson1yourself@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
>news:sppuj.91656$_m.30166@bignews4.bellsouth.net...
>> LOL
>> Manny sounds like he was a real card.
>>
>> DAB wrote:
>>> Ms. Pruitt never really claimed to run a whorehouse. She had the only
>>> hot running water in town and at the time owned the only brick building
>>> in town. She lived upstairs with some of her 'nieces' who helped out in
>>> the washateria. Was a need for the washateria cause very few folks had
>>> running water in they houses at the time and nobody that I know of had a
>>> hot water heater and sure as hell did not own a washing machine. Home
>>> washing was done in a boiling black pot over a wood fire and scrubbed on
>>> a washboard. Even Ms. Pruitt didn't have dryers, the ladies just washed
>>> they clothes and used the wringers that was on top of the machines to
>>> squeeze most of the water out and took the wet laundry home and hung it
>>> on a close line like you supposed to. Was a large farming community so
>>> it was a pretty successful business. Of course the women all had to get
>>> home in time to cook supper and hang up the clothes so there was no
>>> business at night.
>>>
>>> Ms. Pruitt added another service to her business. That actually was
>>> providing hot showers to all the sweaty hardworking men folks at the end
>>> of the day. She only charged a dime for the showers and furnished clean
>>> towels and plenty of lye soap which was what they used in the washateria
>>> also. The women folks appreciated this cause it relieved them of the
>>> chore of heating up a tub of water for the menfolks and when they came
>>> home for supper they were all nice and clean and smelled pretty good.
>>>
>>> Ms. Pruitt's nieces added a extra service for the menfolks. For an extra
>>> dollar, they would wash they backs and if the menfolks so desired, the
>>> nieces would take them upstairs and offer them some 'relief'. I never
>>> really knew what they meant by that.
>>>
>>> I went to school and played basketball, but I was ten years old and a
>>> little mature for my age and was embarrassed to get naked in front of the
>>> other six guys on the basketball team, so I would go to Ms. Pruitt's and
>>> take a shower. Ms. Pruitt always liked me and never charged me cause I
>>> didn't have no dime anyhow. She would often step into the shower with me
>>> and wash my back and finally one day, offered to take me upstairs and
>>> give me some 'relief' cause ever time she washed my back, I got this
>>> enormous erection which I tried to hide but usually she would just slap
>>> the hell out of it and laugh about it. This fateful day, she took me
>>> upstairs and gave me some 'relief'. I found out later that she had
>>> actually taken my virginity from me, but I was so nervous about the whole
>>> thing, I can't to this day remember what actually happened except she
>>> got all hot and sweaty and squealed and moaned a lot and I had to go take
>>> another shower.
>>>
>>> I told my older brother about this and he really didn't believe me. He
>>> had some money, not much, but he often had the dime to go there and take
>>> a hot shower. They was no hot water at the school showers. Ms. Pruitt
>>> nor her nieces had ever offered to take him upstairs and offer him any
>>> 'relief'. I told him about the menfolks I had seen go upstairs and get
>>> 'relief' and explained to him that they always charged an extra dollar
>>> for that.
>>>
>>> The very next day he did some work for a neighbor and made thirty five
>>> cents so he hooked it over to the washateria and paid the dime for the
>>> shower and asked one of the nieces if he could go upstairs and get some
>>> 'relief'. When they got upstairs, she asked him for the dollar and he
>>> explained that he only had twenty five cents. She beat the living ****
>>> out of him. He came home with a busted lip and two black eyes and some
>>> really sore balls where she had kicked him and threw him down the stairs.
>>> Only thing he said before he snuck off and went to bed was "Damn! I
>>> don't think I could have took a dollars worth of that."
>>>
>>> Believe this story or not, makes no nevermind to me.
>>> Manny
>>>
>>> 21 Aug 2002
>>>
>
---
This is the .sig file of His AssHoliness, Raoul Xemblinosky mhm 15x12
http://www.experiencefestival.com/raoul_xemblinosky
http://memweb.newsguy.com/~shpxurnq
---------------------------
On Mon, 18 Feb 2008 21:57:20 -0500, "Ferd Berfle" <fanny@farkle.com>
wrote:
>Indeed!
>
>
>From: Manny
>Subject: Trials, Tribulations and Such
>Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999
>
>Life is now becoming a completely boring experience. I am being denied the
>priviledge of spreading confusion, hate and discontent among the masses.
>
>This morning I was sitting playing with this damned computer. I just moved
>into a downstairs, actually backyard view apartment. The front parking lot
>of this building is facing the parking lot. As a result the bottom floor
>has no front view except for a flower bed full of plants, none of them
>edible or smokable. The bedroom window has a fantastic view of the river
>and the garden plots in the back of the building as well as a nice view of
>the gazebo and such. Problem is, people walking by the window can see
>inside if they shade their eyes and put they faces right up against the
>jalousies.
>
>On occassion some idiot will do just that. When I notice, I usually reply
>with an expletive I learned while living on Treasure Island, Florida.
>"What the **** you looking at?" Normal reply for the situation, I would
>think. This morning, I am sitting here in my skivvies trying to think of
>some way to antagonize somebody and I get this crawly feeling I was being
>watched. I looked up and here was this old ugly, and I mean Redd Foxx type
>ugly Portagee woman with her hands shielding her eyes staring at my old,
>fat neglected body. I didn't even have a hard on to impress her with. I
>looked at her, I am talking a distance of about two feet, and yelled,
>"what the **** you looking at?" She responded with a "**** you you no good
>sonofabitch, don't you talk like that around my granddaughter." Well In
>case they was actually a granddaughter there I know not because the window
>sill is much higher than her grand daughter is tall and I didn't see
>anybody else."Look, you ugly, sleazy old Portagee peeping Thomaset, says
>I, I am gonna file a complaint against you with the ****en building
>manager."
>
>Fifteen minutes later I went upstairs to check my mailbox, hoping maybe
>Uncle Gus had sent a new shipment of chocolate chip cookies or something
>and the old bitch walked by and elbowed me in the ribs and shoulder
>blocked me into the wall of mailboxes. I just went to the doctor yesterday
>because I am in the middle of a congestive heart failure problem brought
>on by them ****en trolls and ****. My lungs are filling with water and I
>am slowly drowning is the only way to explain the situation. The doctor
>gave me some really good meds and I pissed out about a gallon of water
>yesterday afternoon and last night. He also gave me a bunch of percodan,
>which had my nerves pretty calm and such, but had thrown me into a
>horrible state of constipation. To correct this he gave me a bottle of
>asorbate solution which I drank before reading the directions. It was a
>twelve ounce bottle and that is the same size beer comes in so I just
>drank the bottle this morning figuring that would take care of the
>problem.
>
>Lasix is the med he gave me to get rid of the water on my lungs. It is
>called Lasix because it lasts six hours. Get it? LAst SIX hours. Well the
>elbow to the ribs and the shoulder block into the mailbox wall just about
>knocked me out. I could not breath at all. This built up a tremendous
>amount of pressure. I had taken two of the 40 mg Lasix tablets and drunk
>the whole damned bottle of Absorbate about two hours previously. I managed
>to sit down on a little bench trying to catch my breath. Was having
>absolutely no luck doing that. But that was just about the time the lasix
>and the absorbate kicked in. The old bitch called the police and filed a
>complaint against me for using profanity in front of her grandchild. About
>the time the police got out of their car, the lasix and absorbate
>liberated my kidneys and bowels in one big heave. This resulted in a giant
>expulsion of feces which resembled golf balls and a stream of piss that
>would have done a Missouri Mule proud. I had taken off my skivvies and was
>only wearing a pair of short pajama bottoms, so there was not much
>resistance to the expulsion. ****, piss and other weird body fluids
>started squirting all over the bench and the golf ball sized turds started
>rolling across the floor in front of the bench. I still couldn't breathe
>but had begun to cough profusly which made the golf ball shaped turds come
>out in rapid profusion. The first policeman who got out of the car didn't
>know what the hell was going on and ran up to me to see if he could offer
>some assistance or maybe call an ambulance. Naturally he stepped on
>several of the golf balls and even though they were hard and rolling
>around they squished when he stepped on the first one and the rest of them
>squished some more when he fell on his ass in the middle of the whole
>mess.
>
>This would not have been so bad, but he had a warrant for my arrest for
>disorderly conduct due to the complaint the old Portagee lady had filed
>against me for using profanity in front of her grand daughter. The second
>cop came up and asked me if I was Manny and unfortunately I admitted to
>the fact and he handcuffed me and started walking me to the police car.
>The first cop was yelling at him, " No no no, don't put him in the car."
>Meanwhile Stumpy had called my doctor and told him what was happening and
>my Doctor called the police dispatcher and told them to rush me to the
>nearest hospital. He also instructed them not to wait for an ambulance
>that it was an emergency situation.
>
>Well, I just got back from the hospital. The police decided they didn't
>want to **** with the paper work involved in writing up the old lady's
>complaint and were still in the hospital parking lot arguing about who was
>going to have to drive that stinking police car back to the station, when
>my son picked me up to bring me home.
>
>And this was all the fault of them ****en trolls that overtook the
>alt.clubs.just-for-fun newsgroup. It's not real life, its just usenet?
>Bullshit! Are you listening Andrew?
>
>manny
>
>
>
>
>"oneson" <oneson1yourself@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
>news:sppuj.91656$_m.30166@bignews4.bellsouth.net...
>> LOL
>> Manny sounds like he was a real card.
>>
>> DAB wrote:
>>> Ms. Pruitt never really claimed to run a whorehouse. She had the only
>>> hot running water in town and at the time owned the only brick building
>>> in town. She lived upstairs with some of her 'nieces' who helped out in
>>> the washateria. Was a need for the washateria cause very few folks had
>>> running water in they houses at the time and nobody that I know of had a
>>> hot water heater and sure as hell did not own a washing machine. Home
>>> washing was done in a boiling black pot over a wood fire and scrubbed on
>>> a washboard. Even Ms. Pruitt didn't have dryers, the ladies just washed
>>> they clothes and used the wringers that was on top of the machines to
>>> squeeze most of the water out and took the wet laundry home and hung it
>>> on a close line like you supposed to. Was a large farming community so
>>> it was a pretty successful business. Of course the women all had to get
>>> home in time to cook supper and hang up the clothes so there was no
>>> business at night.
>>>
>>> Ms. Pruitt added another service to her business. That actually was
>>> providing hot showers to all the sweaty hardworking men folks at the end
>>> of the day. She only charged a dime for the showers and furnished clean
>>> towels and plenty of lye soap which was what they used in the washateria
>>> also. The women folks appreciated this cause it relieved them of the
>>> chore of heating up a tub of water for the menfolks and when they came
>>> home for supper they were all nice and clean and smelled pretty good.
>>>
>>> Ms. Pruitt's nieces added a extra service for the menfolks. For an extra
>>> dollar, they would wash they backs and if the menfolks so desired, the
>>> nieces would take them upstairs and offer them some 'relief'. I never
>>> really knew what they meant by that.
>>>
>>> I went to school and played basketball, but I was ten years old and a
>>> little mature for my age and was embarrassed to get naked in front of the
>>> other six guys on the basketball team, so I would go to Ms. Pruitt's and
>>> take a shower. Ms. Pruitt always liked me and never charged me cause I
>>> didn't have no dime anyhow. She would often step into the shower with me
>>> and wash my back and finally one day, offered to take me upstairs and
>>> give me some 'relief' cause ever time she washed my back, I got this
>>> enormous erection which I tried to hide but usually she would just slap
>>> the hell out of it and laugh about it. This fateful day, she took me
>>> upstairs and gave me some 'relief'. I found out later that she had
>>> actually taken my virginity from me, but I was so nervous about the whole
>>> thing, I can't to this day remember what actually happened except she
>>> got all hot and sweaty and squealed and moaned a lot and I had to go take
>>> another shower.
>>>
>>> I told my older brother about this and he really didn't believe me. He
>>> had some money, not much, but he often had the dime to go there and take
>>> a hot shower. They was no hot water at the school showers. Ms. Pruitt
>>> nor her nieces had ever offered to take him upstairs and offer him any
>>> 'relief'. I told him about the menfolks I had seen go upstairs and get
>>> 'relief' and explained to him that they always charged an extra dollar
>>> for that.
>>>
>>> The very next day he did some work for a neighbor and made thirty five
>>> cents so he hooked it over to the washateria and paid the dime for the
>>> shower and asked one of the nieces if he could go upstairs and get some
>>> 'relief'. When they got upstairs, she asked him for the dollar and he
>>> explained that he only had twenty five cents. She beat the living ****
>>> out of him. He came home with a busted lip and two black eyes and some
>>> really sore balls where she had kicked him and threw him down the stairs.
>>> Only thing he said before he snuck off and went to bed was "Damn! I
>>> don't think I could have took a dollars worth of that."
>>>
>>> Believe this story or not, makes no nevermind to me.
>>> Manny
>>>
>>> 21 Aug 2002
>>>
>
---
This is the .sig file of His AssHoliness, Raoul Xemblinosky mhm 15x12
http://www.experiencefestival.com/raoul_xemblinosky
http://memweb.newsguy.com/~shpxurnq