Sick jokes here

Let me get this started.

There are two guys in a pub

after a few hours drinking, the topic of dares comes up

the 1st guy turns to the second and says "I have a dare for you"

he then reaches into a bag and pulls out of pint of snot.

he then dares the 2nd guy to drink it for 100 cash

the 2nd guy refuses and the 1st guy up the anti to 150 cash and all he need to do it take a sip

the 2nd guy agrees, takes a deep breath and downs the whole lot

the 1st guy in shock then askes the 2nd why he did that?!

the 2nd guy replies "I couldn't help it, it was all in one lump"

You've just earned your L plates. Go to the back of the line.

that's not a joke

rofl

The boss was in a quandry...

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used

the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying

all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but

I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

What's the difference between a Tolhouse Cookie and a Jew?

The cookie doesn't say Oi Vey when you put it in the oven!

Now that's sick! Top that one!

Q. Whats the difference between a dog shit and an aboriginal?

A. Eventually the dog shit will turn white and stop stinking.

An Abo walked into the dole office and said 'I want a job'.

The guy behind the desk said 'WOW !!!! You're just in time!! This guy just left - he's a billionaire with a 21 year old daughter and he needs someone to chaperone her everywhere and drive her around in the Rolls. She goes overseas several times a year and you'd be expected to go too.

Oh, and the pay is $150,000 pa plus all expenses. '

The Abo said 'You're shitting me.'

The guy behid the desk said 'Yeah...well you started it....'

Q. Whats the difference between a dog shit and an aboriginal?

 

A. Eventually the dog shit will turn white and stop stinking.

LOL.... fucking funny!

Three things you dont say in a gay bar.

1 Toss you for a beer.

2 Can I bum a fag.

3 Can I push your stool in.

Q. What did the deaf dumb and blind quadraplegic get for christmas.

A. Cancer

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say .... here comes Paddy with them two arseholes."

Ian and William were two small boys in Scotland.

One day while sitting on the curb, they noticed various men exiting a residence across the street and the curious fact that each man made a point of saying to himself, "Man, that was some fine Special!" as they walked away.

After seeing half a dozen men during the day do this, Ian turned to William and said let's go get some of that "Special" !

So across the street, up the stairs, and in the door they went.

The Madame of the Whorehouse at the front desk looked down at the small boys, smiled, and said "Can I help you?", to which the boys replied, "We want to get some of that "Special" that every man leaving this place is talking about. It sounds real nice!"

"Is that so?" asked the Madame. "Do you have any money?" she asked. "The Special is not free."

Ian and William quickly reached into their pockets and pulled out their few coins. "I've got 2 cents and William's got 3 cents." said Ian.

The Madame reached out her hand and took the 5 cents from the boys and said "Fine, now go down the hall to the last door on the left, go inside and tell the fine young lady that you've paid for 5 cents worth of the "Special".

Happy as could be, the boys did as they were told and went to the room and told the whore (who had just finished with her John), that they had paid for 5 cents worth of the "Special" and the woman at the front said they could get it here.

The whore smiled and said "Absolutely gentlemen!" She then took her index and middle finger, dragged it deep between her crotch lips and waved the spunky scent closely under each boys nose for a few seconds. "There you go" said the whore. "Now run along!"

5 minutes later, young Ian and William are sitting across the street again stunned into silence. Finally, William turns to Ian and says "Well, what did you think of that Special?"

Ian looked right back at him and said, "Wasn't THAT bad, but I don't think I could have stood for 10 cents worth!"

what's a bottle full of flies used for

an aboriginal vibrator

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what's white and sits in the tree

a fridge

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what's blue and white and sits in a tree

a fridge wearing and denim jacket

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

.

.

A boy walks into a hooker hotel with a dog as flat as paper and goes up to the pimp.

He says"I wanna hooker with AIDS".

The pimp is curious and asks why so the boy replies,

"Well I'm gonna give the hooker to my brother ,whose gonna give the AIDS to my sister,whose gonna give 'em to my dad whose gonna give 'em to the secretary, whose gonna give 'em to the boss,whose gonna give 'em to my mom, whose gonna give 'em to the mailman, and he's the mother fucking bastard who killed my dog!"

A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.

Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.

So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died.

The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"

Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."

So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.

"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother earlier tonight."

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:

"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"

"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."

"Your daughter? Why she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually active?"

"Nah...she just lays there like her mother."

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.

So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on!

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.

The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied,

"Mum's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole is on fire, the dog is still hiding under the bed, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

An older couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying the sunset of their 40th anniversary. Finally, the woman got up walked across the porch and slapped her husband across the face.

Startled, he asked,

An old man is lying in bed waiting for his wife so that he may turn out the light.

Suddenly, the old woman comes dashing out of the bathroom. She jumps on top of the bed, rips off her gown, and screams out "Super Pussy.".

The old man replies, "I'll have the soup.".

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt

guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget

about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was

overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an

internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave,

don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical

practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you

won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him

back to reality, whispering:

A lady ran into an acquaintance several years later. Oh you have twins ..he says

She says no there 7 and 9 do they look like twins?

NO i just figured no way as ugly as you are, you could get laid twice!