I'm a writer, a schemer, a thinker, a dreamer, and most importantly a hopelessly hopeful romantic. Sometimes I spend way too much time thinking about being romantic instead of being romantic. And sometimes I spend too much time writing about thinking about being a romantic, instead of being either. To be honest with you, I'm not sure what to think of me, which is just as well, because the idea here isn't to 'sell me' to me, but rather to 'sell me,' to you. Kind of nice that way, isn't it?
I used to believe in ***. At least, I think I did. Maybe I never did and just dropped the charade. Maybe it's the other way around, and now I actually do believe in ***, and I'm just bitter and telling myself I don't so that I can avoid the pain of being associated with its double standards and its propagated bigotry. The point is, it doesn't really matter - if *** is there, then *** is there; I, however, am here. And so is she. And let's face it, Religion is neither here nor there. Have you noticed a pattern in my confidence yet? It's shaky - I have an inferiority complex by default. There's only one thing I'm confident about... there's only one thing I'm certain about:
I love Merica-Wheesuk Xiong.
Sometimes I have a superiority complex, but it's usually only when I talk about philosophy. Don't pay attention to it, though. I'm an open book if you can get past the pathetically pretentious cover, but I can also keep a secret if you need someone to confide in. In short, you can trust me. But I'm not at all physically reliable. I really wish I was, but I'm a "pull-through-at-the-last-minute," kind of guy, so don't rely on me to do things ahead of schedule. I'm not big on 'doing things,' but I'm working on it, I really am.
I get depressed during the winter, when it's cold, around the holidays. When I was in sixth grade I thought I was depressed enough to kill myself, but who knows what they want in sixth grade? I'm 20 years old and I don't think I really know what I want yet. I just want to be with Merica. Nothing else really matters that much, I guess. I have problems holding my head up high and looking at myself in the mirror. I'm one of those people that has zero self-esteem, but is also self-apathetic, too, so it doesn't really matter what my self esteem is, because you're better than me and you're always going to be as long as I'm me, and you're not.
I'm a percussion major at Missouri Southern State University. There are a lot of great musicians here and I am not one of them. My mentor once told me that he was disappointed in me, and that I wasn't living up to half of my potential. I'm trying to bounce back. I spent almost an entire year off of school, so I'm absolutely worthless right now when it comes to work ethic and reliability. So, I pretty much suck.
I had a kidney transplant in September of 2007. The culmination of a 20 year long journey that has had its ups and downs, and its lessons. I flatlined once in 2002. And I've had thirty two surgeries. I've had my share of successes and disappointments and I feel somewhat accomplished now that it's over. I really don't want to do anything now. I'm somewhat lost now, because I had always thought, with some reason, that I would be dead by the age of 18 - I really don't have any personal goals or dreams; none at all. So we'll just have to see where things go from here, I guess.
I am a little bit of a social anarchist. I laugh at social standards, expectations, politics, and religion because people take them way too seriously and life is just too short for it - believe me, I know. I am only just now coming into a mindset where I somewhat care what people think of me, so I'm really the hypocrite here - I'm the bad guy here. You don't ever have to agree with me, but at least I'm an honest person. I'm usually a random person insofar as the attempt that it makes someone smile will allow. I like making people smile, even at my own expense. When other people smile, it means I don't have to stomach myself, I don't have to put up with myself. But don't think of me as an idiot, because I'm not. Not completely, at least. I may know a couple of things, but in the long run, I don't really know anything, do I? Maybe you and I should talk sometime and you can decide for yourself. Oh well.
You can always ask more if you want, but see if you can find "me" somewhere in this mess of colloquialisms, puns, and whatever else you'll find on this page and in my blog.
