April 26, 2005 7:43 AMI don't know why I'm feeling so depressed all of a sudden....but I am.
Found this on some site:
"Someone, somewhere, commits suicide every 18 minutes.
Every day 80 Americans take their own lives and more than 1,900 are seen in hospital emergency rooms for self-inflicted injury. A disproportionate number are youngsters between the ages of 12 and 17.
Recently released statistics reveal that approximately three million youths, aged 12 to 17, either thought seriously about suicide or attempted suicide in 2000. More than one third, 37 percent, actually tried to kill themselves.
Most were suffering from undiagnosed or untreated clinical depression."
What the **** si wrong with me?
Sometimes I wish people would just tell me that it's ok to kill myself, that they'll be ok without be, to just go. I stay because I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate hurting people, but I'm hurting myself by being here.
I guess that's why people call suicidal people selfish sometimes. Because they end their lives to end their own pain while they cause more for other people. But honestly, I've been thinking of everyone else my whole life. Why can't I just do this one thing for myself? Why must I suffer for you all???
I want to cut so bad...actually, I want to stab myself with that pencil again. Or maybe a pen. That was fun. Such an instant twinge of pain, then blood seeping from a tiny hole in my arm.
I'd like to stick that pencil into my neck. Maybe pierce a vein or an artery.
Instant death.
Instant release.
Instant relief.
It's been 5 days now since I cut after that argument with mom. Did I blog about that? I think I did. My memory is getting worse and worse. I'm turing into my gramma. Next thing ya know I'll be asking what time it is, what day it is, what year it is, and "who are you again?" multiple times in a day.
Why am I teased so much? There's a syringe right in front of me from when I took my insulin. Do you know how easy it would be to just inject myself with air? Burst a vein in my head. Have internal bleeding. Oh *** that would be sweet....I hope I die from some kind of internal bleeding if not suicide. That would be awesome.....blood coming out my eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.
Did anyone see that Malcolm in the Middle episode where Malcolm decides to start thinking before he acts? He ends up holding in so much stress from not lashing out that he ends up in the hopital with a peptic ulcer. I have no idea what that is, but it caused blood to come out of his mouth. I was honestly enthralled with that scene. I think my jaw literally dropped open. I was so amused by it. How sick am I...........?
(then she had some really gross pictures that i cant post cuz I dont have the link and stuff)
Man I love google.....so much gore!! Hmm....searching google made me feel a bit happier.....but now that I think about it I can feel myself taking those same steps back to where I was before.
Oh, speaking of blood and gore and stuff, Teddy bit me for the first time today. I was playing with him just as I usually do and all of a sudden he attacked my hand....little ******....I've been ignoring him for the remainder of the night. He ****** me off.....stupid little ****. I wiped the blood into my scrap book.
Oh yeah, do you guys even know about my scrap book? Well yes, I have a scrap book. Full of ****** memories. I'll be able to scan the pages and post them in a few days, I'm working on getting the scanner's program disc from a buddy. Just gotta get to him somehow....I might just get Chris to go pick it up for me. I don't really feel like any social interactions with people other than those in my "regular group" right now. So yeah, on every page in my scrap book is a word [or numerous words] or a picture expressing how I felt when I made that page. Then there's little designs [or just hand prints and finger prints and such] all around the word/picture. Of course, all of this is done in 100% pure blood. How very beautiful it is. Sometimes I like to just take it out and look at the pictures for a while. Just silently stare at them and run my fingers over the dried blood, saying the written words over and over in my head.....: suicide, unloved, unwanted, self hate, ugly girl, failure....etc.
Wow...I'm kinda depressing eh? Sorry...
So I'm pretty sure that most of you have seen this picture [or something like it]:
http://www.20six.fr/pub/akira/my_therapy.jpg
Well ****....it didn't work. Try clicking on the link to see the pic. If it doesn work I'll just tell you now that's it's a pic of a girl all cut up and it says "I don't need therapy, this is my therapy."
A pretty well known picture and/or phrase among us teenaged internet freaks.
Anyways.....it's it just so true?!? Cutters, [if any of you are here] tell me if this is not truthful! Honestly, it does help! [Well, it helps me anyways, and many others that I know.] It makes me feel better because it feels like I'm doing something good for everyone else. If anyone can understand that. You should all know how much I love you all and would do almost anything to make you happy, and to me, this is like doing you all a favour. And you know, I bet I'd be a pretty ******* happy person if people would just let me cut. Honestly. The only thing that really gets me depressed is people's reactions to my cutting. People saying that it hurts them to see the scars or it makes them sad. That hurts me. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting you.Why can't it just be something that you can all overlook? Why can't you just appreciate that I'M happy doing this? Why does it always have to be about you?!? I do everything else to please everyone. Why can't I do this one ******* thing for myself?!? Jesus....
Wow...I thought this was just going to be a quick message to you all. It turned into a rant kind of....
Sorry for wasting your time.
If you even bothered reading this.
It's 4:31AM, I should really get going with some CAPP11 [Career And Personal Planning]. I finished English11 today. Got to see Chris. Watched a movie and TV, blah. Sat around, on my fat ***. Praised him for getting me a cloak. ^_^ Then we fell asleep while watching The Simpsons. Man we're lazy...lol. Actually he's not, he's pretty active. I'm a lazy *** though. We only sat around today because his ankle is broken or something and he has a cold. Poor babe. I waited on him all night lol. Even ask Lisa!! [dorqie on Mindsay] I was talking to her on MSN while Chris was watching TV and I told her I had to go because Chris wanted ice cream! LOL!! I don't mind though. As I've said, I like doing things for people. I'll be the perfect house wife/mother in the future.
Geez...I just keep blabbing on and on don't I. This is probably the longest entry I've made in like 2 months. Be grateful.
I guess I'll go do something else now, as mom is reading over my shoulder now......*flips her off*
We joke around like that all the time.
Oh Jesus....now she's pretending to be hurt and has gone into her room. AGH.....she ****** me off with that ****....overreacting and such.
Ok, again I'm going on. I'll stop now. I'll go find a game to play or something....maybe The Sims....but the computer's been so ******* slow lately....argh...maybe just an online game. Or maybe I'll go read....no. I'll play a game.
Here we go again....I think I'll leave before I write a novel.
Good night/morning. Love you all.
I dont know this person.. but she saw my blog a few weeks ago and my friend posted her site on her blog and its just terribly sad..
