Tasteless jokes thread (for the not-so-easy to offend)

As title says, tasteless jokes for the not-so-easy to offend.

Not a place to insult others, but if you have any jokes that make you laugh and you want to share, why not post them, might make someone's day

My friend Lisa (and her brother) sent me these. Cracked me up, seriously (again, huge thanks guys) :ok:

Title: Stupid Men.

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?

Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

Answer: Because they are...

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?

Answer: Who cares?????

Question: What did God say after he created man?

Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?

Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

Answer: i) no mind ii) no business

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Answer: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

Answer: Exchange him!!

Question: Why do men like smart women?

Answer: Opposites attract.

:rofl:

Again, not seriously meant to offend the males out there but am sure there's plenty of female (not to mention 'blonde joke') equivalents - so keep it clean-ish. Remember, it's all in good fun. Flame, spam or carry on stupid and I'll lock it, period.

Now... anyone care to share?

Question: Boobs!

Answer: That's not a question

Wait...that was a joke?

Sorry...half asleep, bored...

EDIT your post...

Sorry...half asleep, bored...

 

EDIT your post...

Why guns are better than women

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that

she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses.

One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,

and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.

Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

Actually a few of these cracked me up too, so why not share 'em

(The bold ones cracked me up, dunno why - That last one was like wtf? There are some WEIRD ppl on ths planet, that's for sure! hahaha)

(Source: http://www.joygreetings.com/badpickup.htm)

What's a different between a prositute and an onion?

I cry when I cut up an onion.

Taken out my Hungappa new edition (non-australians may not get some parts) -

Adam Sandler - Comedian in the loosest scene of the word. Some may say he has lost it. Most say he never had it.

Apples - Does to doctors what garlic does to vampires.

Arts degrees - Perfectly reasonable way to avoid having to make any career decisions for three years.

Chad Kroeger - Singer who seems to hate songs.

Daniel Gibson - Prime New's weather reporter. Earned the title the funniest man on day-time TV. A perfectly good reason to get out of bed in the morning.

David Hasselhoff - Big in the 80s. Big hair. Big on drugs. Big in Germany.

Donnie Darko - A movie which banked on the idea that people would be too afraid to say they hated it out of fear people would think they didn't get it. Didn't really work.

Dora the Explorer - Dora "The Illegal Immigrant" is leftist propaganda designed by hippies to soften our opinions on immigration.

Dreadlocks - Considered by some to being a realistic alternative to having a hairy cut. Only really works if you are Jamaican though.

Easy Mac - Nutritous meal which can be used as a subsitute for breakfast lunch or dinner.

Facebook - A website used to remind you of birthdays (i.e. Life Saver)

Flares - Undeniable proof that fashion is dumb. What pratical purpose do trousers with losts of ankle room and zero ball room actually serve?

George W. Bush - Two times elected leader of the free world. Smart as.

High School Musical - Started life as a TV movie. Should have stayed that way.

Italian Resturants - Somehow delude people into paying $14+ for a bowl of pasta that you could cook at home for 43c.

Jana Rawlinson (nee Pittman) - Heavily disliked sportsperson. Has a habit of feigning injury whenever drug testers come around.

Jesus H Christ - God of the Christian Faith. Died nailed to the Cross.

Kevin Rudd - Howard with Hair. Won an election to due cleverly rhyming his name with the year. Not keen on drinking.

Kyle and Jackie O - TV and Radio presenters with no fixed abilities.

LOL - (verb) Popular subsitute for actual laughter.

M&M - Does to Smarties what Facebook did to Myspace.

Meatloaf - How could something which works so well as a meal fail so bad at singing? A real question for the ages.

Miranda Kerr - Super model. Not at all pig ugly. Also an Aussie.

Peter Garrett - Bald. Can dance a bit. Used to complain that the government did nothing for the environment. Now works for the government to do nothing to protect the environment.

Philosophy Major - Three year course which teaches you how to develop your thinking and reasoning skills. Skills which come in handy when you graduate and have to decide what job you could possibly be qualified for.

Pseudonyms - Used by almost everyone who write articles for the Hungappa to "protect their identity". Exactly what danger they would be in if anyone found out their real name no one knows.

Radiohead - British band. Made a few good albums. Forgot to play guitar on their next few albums. Forgot to charge for their last album. Made some bad career moves.

Radiohead Fans - Fans of the British band Radiohead world formous for being the most obnoxious fans ever. Avoid one-on-one conversations with these people.

Rene Descartes - French thinker. Coined the term "I drink therefore I am". Also invented crumpets, croissants, the Eiffel Tower and the Citroen motor car. Bit of a legend.

Richard Ashcroft - Lead singer of The Verve. Proof you can by ugly and still famous.

Richard Wilkins - Channel Nine TV Presenter. Proof you can be talentless and still famous.

ROVE Live - Channel Ten TV Show. Since its heyday on Tuesday nights, the length has halved, the number of comedians has tripled but strangely it hasn't gotten any funnier.

Rove McManus - A recent graduate from the Wil Anderson school of "Who cares if I am not funny anymore, just yell louder and people will laugh".

Shittles - Semi unpopular lolly. Slogan "Shittles - Taste the Arsehole".

Skittles - Semi popular lolly. Slogan "Skittles - Taste the Rainbow".

Sonny Bill Williams - Champion of the people. After realising he was the highest paid player at his club, he selflessly quit so that everyone who took a pay cut so the club could sign him could get paid their full rate. A great role models for kids.

Sydney Morning Herald - Sydney's second most popular newspaper. Commonly used to make low-cost novelty sailors hats.

Teetotallers - Non-drinkers. Not to be trusted. Anyone who wants a clever memory of a night out clearly plans to blackmail you later on.

The X-Files Movie - I Want To Believe - A steaming pile of average which I really "I Wanted to Believe" it wasn't a waste of money, but my skills of self-delusion aren't that strong.

Thor - God of Norse Mythology. Famous for carrying a hammer. Was never questioned about Jesus' death.

Tim Cahill - Uber-cool football star. So cool in fact the cool scale is named after him.

Titanic - The best selling movie ever. Relied heavily on the fact that most of its fans weren't clever enough to remember the ending so had to go and watch it again and again.

Toothpaste - Handy household product. Not to be used as a subsitute for meals.

Wine - An alcoholic beverage which can taste horrible or great depending whether or not you or someone else is paying for it.

Thor - God of Norse Mythology. Famous for carrying a hammer. Was never questioned about Jesus' death.

The Peter Garrett one too, OMG, funny stuff! Thanks

One really lame one; A man walked into a bar - you'd think he'd have seen it.

Oh and my fav one I STILL remember from childhood (yes way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth ) - Why'd the kid fall off his bike? Cause someone threw a fridge at him.

I know, makes no sense now some 20+ years later but has a stupidity factor that makes me laugh, at least that's my excuse and I'ma stickin to it.

A guy got a new car radio so he only had to say the type of music and it would come on. So one day, he decided to try it out. He said "Jazz" and jazz came on.

Then after a while, he got sick of that and said "Hip-Hop" and Hip-Hop came on.

He went to the shops and saw 3 kids kicking the shit out of a phone box. He said angrily, "Fucking kids!" and Michael Jackson came on.

You really get bored with answering machines....but what if the messages are like the following:

1) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3) Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

4) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

5) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again,(ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.

Mainly for use by ladies with PMT ...

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look like a fukking people person!"

7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"

11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

23. "You look like sh1t. Is that the style now?"

24. "Earth is full. Go home."

25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fukkin' airport."

3) Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

Just brilliant! It's like the voices in my head have gotten out... awesome, thanks! Gonna send these to everyone I know... all 3 of 'em haha :rofl:

My dad sends me all these. I pick the best ones though.

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish....................49

Adventurer................Slept with all your friends

Athletic..................No tits

Average looking.......... Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful.................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated..................Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure....... Medicated

Feminist..................Fat ballbuster

Free spirit...............Junkie

Friendship first..........Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun.......................Annoying

Gentle....................Comatose

Good Listener.............Borderline Autistic

New-Age...................All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned.............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded...............Desperate

Outgoing..................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate................Sloppy drunk

Poet......................Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional..............Certified Bitch

Redhead...................Bad dye-job

Reubenesque...............Grossly Fat

Romantic..................Looks better by candle light

Social....................Been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray

Voluptuous................Very Fat

Wants Soulmate............Stalker

Widow.....................Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart............Old bat

Athletic..................No tits

lmao lmao lmao

What do Peter Brock and Steve Irwin have in common?

They both died of a fish tail.

(This one my friend told me)

What's so great about schoolgirls?

I get older but they stay the same age.

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

the bartender asks "why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

the pirate replies "ARRGH IT DRIVES ME NUTS!"

... i die every.time.

My dad sends me all these. I pick the best ones though.

 

 

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.

lol kinda funny =p

what do you call an intelligent blone?

a goldern retriever.

Okay this is kinda lame.

What do frogs drink?

Croak-a-cola

LMFAO!!!! OMFG all of them were funny.

Ok i think a friend of mine did this one joke where he dropped this small pack sugar infront of me and told me

"Hey you dropped your I.D."

Then from their he started say

"I'm the sugar to your coffee"

"I'm the katchup to your Polish"

"I'm the cheese to your burger"

"I'm the beef to your taco"

Oh and i got this from a show

When you go to school, put on strap of your bookbag over one shoulder then walk like you limping. Then when you get to the girl you like lean against the wall and look straight. Why? So that one eye can look at her and the other can look for something better.

And if a girl says "I love you" just say"...a..I'm here am I?"

Okay I got this text message from a friend recently, it's politically INcorrect, so please don't take offence.

It reads:

"I rang Lifeline today and got an Afghanistani councellor

n told him I had been feeling suicidal...

he got all excited n

asked me if I could drive a truck!"

I know, I know... apologies - but I couldn't help but laugh.

Again, from Lisa;

Q. Why is Christmas better than a man?

A. It stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

(I'm afraid my friends appreciate qualities I don't XD)

Started the new alcohol diet. It's great! I've lost 2 days in the first week!

Another text:

"I'm passing this txt on2 u because it worked 4 me. I have found inner peace. The way 2 do this is 2 finish the things u start. I looked around this morning & saw the things I had started... so I finished... The Vodka, The Bailey's, some red wine, the ice cream & the Valium. U have no fuckin idea how peaceful I feel now!!" (Pass this on 2 any1 u think may need some peace in their lives )

Hmmm i got three. And to let you all know they are perverted jokes.

1) Why does MJ like 28 year olds?

Becasue there's 20 eight year olds.

2) What does MJ and Walmart have in common?

They both have boy underwears for half

well i don't wanna say the third one becasue it's actually kinda sick.

WTF let me tell you this:

Question:Why is this topic called "Tasteless Jokes Thread"?

Answer:Ravynlee's tongue has problem when telling jokes.