A
Avoid normal situations.
Guest
The alt.flame Who's Who - A user's guide to the flora, fauna, and
****heada of alt.flame. Copyright 1995(c) Castle Anthrax Productions.
All rights reserved. All factual errors at least gotten wrong with
feeling ((tm) Stephen King, 1985). Last updated 6/2/06.
Submissions welcome but not necessarily used. Credit will be given to
anyone whose material is used, but will be made anonymous should the
submitter so desire.
This is a biased report. ((tm) Harlan Ellison)
-> alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk - "What a pathetic bunch of
driftwood these prozac-popping net.knobs are. Perhaps the shortest
war in the history of the Usenet. To summarize, we went and stated
something along the lines of: All right kids, saddle up and move out
because we are officially claiming this swamp as alt.flame territory.
The response was an unequivocally unified 'Take it! It's yours!'
"As Sun-tzu said 'The true art of war is to subdue the enemy without
fighting.' Well Sun, what if the enemy is subdued and doesn't want to
fight? What the hell is someone supposed to do when the opposing army
collectively throws like a girl and cries to mama? Keep the tanks
rolling I suppose." -- Joel A. Sutherland
-> alt.flamenet - "Sometime home of one crew or another of lamers and
wannabees who aspire to be the next alt.bigfoot but lack even the dim
flicker of sentience needed to qualify as ****heads. At least a half
dozen such crews have come and gone over the years. The current batch,
at least, isn't making or threatening trouble in the more sedate parts
of Usenet -- then again, given their inability to rise above the level
of faggot this and nancy-boy that, the rest of Usenet probably needn't
fear them anyway." -- Lee Jackson Beauregard.
-> alt.nuke.the.USA - The Not Ready For alt.flame Players. A group of
nitwits and halfwits who specialize in nationality flames, a genre of
flaming which was old when Usenet was still netnews. . Besides the
obvious quality control problems, there's something very wrong when a
group of people dedicate themselves to a force that has been screwing
up life for all human beings since Day One -- nationalism. Pathetic.
Regulars can usually be found posting such time-honored (to put it
nicely) ripostes as "We saved your booties in WW2" and "Americans are a
bunch of sods", and talking about how vawstly superiah they are to
alt.flame.
-> alt.peeves - Only known newsgroup with which alt.flame has gone to
war that honestly held its own (in no small way because everyone on
a.f. except for Marek, Dave Williams, and myself ran in the other
direction when they showed they could put a noun and a verb together
worth a damn). Higher standards of literacy than a.f., but too normal
to be as much fun. The unquestioned Elite of the Net... except for the
577,948 other clubs and cliques who also consider themselves the Elite
of the Net. Individually and collectively, they bear an uncomfortably
close resemblance to the deads in Robert Silverberg's short story
"Born with the Dead"... not to mention the "elite" in Roberta Lannes's
short story "I Walk Alone".
-> alt.usenet.kooks - "Filtering out any article crossposted to
alt.usenet.kooks specifically is actually rather appealing, but I probably
won't do that either except in my own newsreader.
"I don't think it was always as ugly, although I think you have to
go back even before Boursy. But in the days of the net.legends FAQ,
it really wasn't quite as bad, and even around the time of Freedom
Knights, there was a lot of playing on both sides. I think Usenet would
probably still have been better off without the entire concept, but it didn't
used to be quite as obviously horrible. There was still some stuff that verged
on torturing the mentally ill, though." -- Russ Allbery
-> Asikainen, Ari. "Once every while a newbie comes along who genuinely
adds something to alt.flame. Ari gave us atrociously running rhymes.
Thanks, Ari." -- FJ.
"Finland is famous for nothing and Ari proves why. He is netscum pure
and simpkle. He mocks me and the news and envies my exclusives." -- Sabu424
"Lord Ari has been helping to bring forth not only Divine Truth and
Freedom to this planet but also NESARA for the past 25 yrs. He is both
a High level Wh-te Knight and a Commander Acting in the present
position of Senior Navigator/Tactical Officer on the Bridge aboard the
Starship New Jerusalem. He is also in training to sit in the Captain's
Chair!!" -- John F. Winston
-> aus.flame - "The Brits collect $200 from each player and advance
to Boardwalk for banishing this trash to their own insignificant rock
on the wrong side of the planet." -- Don Lloyd.
-> Bait, Flame - The second kind of denizen of alt.flame (the first, of
course, being "flamer"). As Andrew "Ducksworth" Hart put it:
...alt.flame is loaded to the gills with senseless tackling
dummies who think it's the greatest sort of compliment when you pay
any attention to them at all, whether you best them or not. They
eat it up.
Flamers and Flame Bait. It's a symbiotic relationship.
Most such folks are good practice for up and coming flamers (most of
whom wind up being flame bait themselves). There are a precious few,
however, (Michele Dall'Agata and Jeff Witty, f'r instance) who make a
tremendous contribution to the wit quotient of this forum... not
because they can write to save their miserable lives, of course, but
because they so cry out to be made fun of that they inspire truly
hilarious parodies. As such, however indirectly, one can be flame bait
and still be of great value; indeed, Messrs. Dall'Agata and Witty may
be considered true masters of the form (R.I.P). (Obvious pun deleted
in the interest of good taste.)
-> Brawl-Hall.com - aka Bawl Hall, The Bawlers. "Soldiers would regularly
have sex with Brawl Hallers as young as 13 in rundown shelters, in the bush
near the military camps and on the bare ground behind buildings usually just
after dark, a report from the ALT.FLAME Office of Internal Oversight (OIOS)
said Friday." -- Jason Gortician
"Sorry. The administrator has banned your IP address. To contact the
administrator click here" -- Brawl-Hall.com (<-- Of course, I don't usually
permit self-penned Who's Who entries, but this is (a) not intended as such
and (b) too good to resist. I am willing to bend even my own rules in the
promotion of a good hint. -- Ed.]
-> Campbell, Scott. "[2001] has been Scott's year, as far as I'm concerned. A
well educated and eloquent gentleman underneath, provoke his wrath at your
own risk. An elegant use of language spiced up with a myriad of original
derogatory novelties is the vessel for well constructed arguments and points,
with which he can devastate any opponent. Well done, Scott." - FJ
"Texan Scott treats alt.flame as a testing ground: a place where he can
iron out the chinks in his stand-up routine. The trouble is that he doesn't
appear to have a stand-up routine. Many forgive him because of the contagious
joy he exudes while abusing stupid people." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Chason, Ray - aka The Master of Oblivion, Lee Jackson Beauregard, George
W. Bushwa. "A bot and a very dull one at that." -- Don Lloyd.
"Another oldbie who should retire. Living in a time warp from another
dimension, Beauregard believes himself to be a reincarnation of a fanatic
Confederate soldier with an Internet connection. Accuses anyone he
dislikes of being a 'Yankee'. Is known to post huge ASCII art of the
Confederate flag. Never posts more than two or three-line posts. His one
saving grace is his anti-racist stance; it is offset, however, with
extreme right-wing nationalism/regionalism." --flamefaq@feedME.
"He who greases the arse of squeeling pot bellied pigs." -- James Kirk.
"A teenage prankster taped a handwritten sign to his car that read 'Lose
waight (sic) fast with the cheap ass whiskie (sic) diet!!' Ray's been trying
to fix his dadgum busted bathroom scale ever dang since. Incoherent and
sloppy, he wavers in and out of consciousness while composing his responses
and more often than not retracts them in full when he awakens the next day."
-- Blub.
"Has fine cascading skills, which are -- unfortunately -- not complemented
by flaming skills. Must subconsciously know this, for he has taken it upon
himself to bore Wiseman to death. I'd forgive him, were it not for the
collateral damage to -my- boredom threshold." -- FJ.
"Fun fact of the day: This Southerner last posted an article which
didn't contain a reference to Roger Wiseman over ten months ago. At
this point Ray's tireless toiling only serves as a cautionary example
for newbies. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Chasons." -- Ari
Asikainen.
-> Christie, Jason Z. - aka Jason Gortician, High-C, and a host of other
nicks. "i'M WAITING FOR THE STALKER jASON z. cHRISTIE OF
ALT.ALIEN.VAMPIRE.FLONK.FLONK.FLONK TO CHIME IN. hE IS AFTER ALL A HALF
BREED WHO MARRIED A FAT BLACK PIG. sOMETIMES WHEN YOU MIX RACES YOU GET
A RETARD DEFECTIVE MISTAKE INSTEAD OF HYBRID VIGOR. tHAT jASON cHRISTIE
IS A GENETIC MISTAKE, THANK gOD IT CAN'T BREED!!!!! wHAT JOO GOT TO SAY
zEBRA cHRISTIE??? bWAAAAAAAA HAHA AHAAAA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
HA HA HA HA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA HOOO HEE HEEE <SNORT>" -- marsrules
-> Ekran, Paal Ditlefsen - aka The Last Viking, The Large Vomit.
"Newbie supreme from Norway." -- Par Svensson. Joined alt.bigfoot in
the hopes of appearing less lame by comparison. It didn't work.
"LuteFisk!" -- Wotan.
-> Humphries, Dean. "Dean's raison d'etre is advancing the cause of 'snuh'. A
snuh cascade is a virtual grooming ritual in which the participants grunt
meaningless monosyllabic words at each other. Think about that for a moment.
1... 2... 3... OK, you can stop now. To be fair, grooming is needed when Dean
is around: His flame tactics consist of attaching himself to the roots of your
hair and laying eggs." -- Ari Asikainen
-> jet. "Refresh, you need more help than the people of Usenet are able to
give you. Go to the light! Go to the light! OMG, it's the Sun! Run away Jet!
Run fast....." -- spooge
"Years ago someone coined the idea of having an apprenticeship program in
alt.flame. Being the benevolent deity of flame that I am, I freely offered my
services. Jet is my padawan learner. I ask for so little in life; and boy,
do I get it". -- FJ
-> Kerro - aka Kerrens, John. "The Army can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a lobotomized human minesweeper program in the 1950s." -- Blub.
"Self proclaimed 'flame-stud'. Posts while under the influence of
'drinkies' (Australians have a habit of making up diminutives for the
things they love and hold dear), consequently behaves like a complete
tit, sobers up, apologizes. Repeat." -- FJ.
"NOBODY tells him to knock anything off. He is a flame-stud; trust
him... And then he got back to his senses, such as they are, and
agreed to knock it off. Despite his legless antics and general
uselessness, John has an unshakeable belief in his own talents. I
guess someone has to." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Knapp, Mike - aka Stu Copeland, Archie Leach. "The official alt.flame
webtv BuFfoOn" -- James Kirk.
"The only alt.flamer who really understands the halfcourt triangle
offense. Uses WebTV because ... well, god knows why. Reviled for dragging
college football dullards into alt.flame" -- Roger Williams.
"About as entertaining as a child's inflatable punching toy. You bop
it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It
slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away."
-- Blub.
-> Koput, James - aka Fester the Rat, Locust Abortion Technician,
Independent Worm Saloon, Peter Crippen, Filter, and a host of other
nicks. "Just plain sucks. About the most amusement you'll get out of
Koput consists of trying to figure out what drug he was one when he
selected his new nickname." -- Chris Viens.
"A complete nobody since his net.destruction at the hands of certain
unnamed British/Finnish operatives. He insists upon posting regardless."
-- Don Lloyd.
"The trickster of alt.flame, this garbage compactor has no flame
ability and therefore must netcop, forge, and otherwise circumvent the
system to save face. Claims to be a cartoonist from Canada. Has a
penchant for calling people 'pedophile' in non-flame groups in hopes
that they are booted and leave him alone in his self-inflicted misery."
--flamefaq@feedME.
"The brain of a microcephalic lemur, transplanted into the rotting
carcass of a common swine. Rolls around in the puke of dogs, masturbating
furiously." -- Blub.
"Spends most of his time either defending Keegan or whimpering about
his imagined net notoriety. Harmless really." -- FJ
Moreover, let us not forget that this is the ****wheirt who claimed to
have ****ed 1000 women in his lifetime.
-> Newbies, Clueless - Everyone who's been posting for less than three
months... and half the others. The most vital resource of alt.flame,
despite poor reputation; after all, imagine an oldbie-only moderated
flame group...
Blob: **** you, you racist bigot!
Carmelo: No, **** you , Hassholeter!
ying: How about those Blue Jays, eh?
Keegan: you forged this article, didn't you? chuckle
Darcy: I did not!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Stain: Oh, Wendy! sigh
Wendy: Oh, Pookie! smewch
Dave Williams: 'Ere, stop that!
Stain: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
'73 Chevy Pickup: [ slaps Willy in the head ] Now you've done it!
Stain: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
Stain: Lutefisk.
Horrifying, isn't it? Only through more newbies will this group avoid
paralysis... if only via having fresh targets.
-> Saeger, Eric W. - aka The Phantom Menace. "Reinvented slurping as a
'style'. Best known for his fine polishing of Stain's lower intestine, and
bragging about collecting toys. The boy from New Hampshire's attempts to
reinvent himself as a bonafide flamer were quickly dashed when pictures of
his Motley Crue cover bands surfaced on the web, providing an ammunition
gap too big for even Saeger to slurp his way out of." -- Roger Williams.
-> The Stainless Steel Moviegoer - aka Jack Maxfield, Pookie, Stain, ANS,
Avoid normal situations. Yours truly. Software engineer and five-year
-plus veteran of alt.flame. Official "weenie" according to the increasingly
unavailable (heh, heh) alt.bigfoot FAQ. (Did I mention that I dig the
flicks?) Also screenwriter, actor, and filmmaker with an international cult
following; only two people agreed to read all five of the screenplays that
I offered on alt.flame, and, since the word "cult" implies a minority, you
can't get much more cult than that.
"Aka, Stoneless, Strapless, Squealy, Brainless, Jerk Minyield, Obloid
abnormal deformations, He Who Brays Like a Mindless Ass, Mr. Annoying, etc.
"The Stainless Steel Rectal Thermometer first arrived in alt.flame about
two years ago on a rail, covered with tar and feathers, when he was
driven forth from alt.tasteless.jokes. Taken into the alt.flame Mother
of Mercy Hospital with third degree burns covering most of his plush
posterior, Strain repaid the readers of alt.flame by contributing his
services as a clay pigeon and devising much of the insipid tripe
that still waters a.f. down to this day. See also ****head Cascades,
Giggling Grabass Goofiness, and Annoying One-Line Non-Sequiturs." -- Andrew
"Naql" Hart.
Rebuttal: Actually, I was quite well liked on a.t.j. I got flamed
a lot for posting intensely bad puns, but since I was getting so bright
a spotlight, I issued a CFV on whether I should continue posting my
usual material there... which I won. 'Twas there that I acquired a
taste for flaming... and the rest, as they say, is history.
"Mistakes brevity for biting wit. Real name Jack Maxfield, has been
around a while and general likes referencing movie quotes. Is generally
not funny and is prone to net copping. (so say the bigfooters)."
-- Anonymous.
"A flamer wanna be. A FAQ meister wanna be. Flame him with either
style or crudeness, and he'll killfile you in a heartbeat. His FAQ and
Who's Who are barely related to the actual alt.flame readership." -- Wotan.
"Tactical leader of the alt.flame Special Forces group to Banish Overt
Reckless Ingenuity from New Groups or BORING." -- Don Lloyd.
"One of the ancients that actually still exists. Posts sporadically, doesn't
have a lot to say when he does post, and is generally as clueless as
his former compatriots imply. This is a nod to the old-timers who seem
to think they own the group. Also the author of the 'official' FAQ, or
who's who, or whatever the hell it is." --flamefaq@feedME.
"Old, old, old, old, old, senile, old, old, old, old, old man. Darwin would
NOT be pleased to see how unefficiently evolution works on alt.flame. Since
Viagra became in vogue, I've noticed more plonks , 'Read the FAQ', and
'(x newsgroup) sucks compared to alt.flame. Coincidence? I think not."
--The Cypher.
"This slumbering dotard occasionally belches out one line drivel in an
attempt to appear to be involved in af. It is, of course, a sham. Smilin'
Jack and his many nicknames. And his rebuttal! Thanks, Jack! Just what is
needed; a porcine, Roger Ebert look alike who manages to squeal the odd,
stale witticism in here between buckets of popcorn." -- Strawberry.
"The crustiest of the crusty. A throwback to a different era where
The Men Were Men.... and the sheep knew it. King of the bad pun. ie; Q.)
When did the Chinese guy know when it was time to visit the dentist? A.)
When his tooth-hurtee. [insert lone cricket sound effect] The trauma of
always being The Guy Who Was Picked Last as a kid, has caused Jack to hate
sports and spend way too much time in darkened theatres turning a whiter
shade of pale. All this bitterness and depression _has_ caused Stain to
become one of the better flamers in a dot f. He has a caustic, sarcastic
style that's capable of doing more damage to an opponent with a line or two,
than the usual long-winded, dry point-by-counter-point flame." -- Scott
Campbell.
"That ****head who quotes movies." -- James Kirk.
"The subject of the longest entry in the old, outmoded, FAQ which he (not
coincidentally) maintains." -- Raoul Xemblinosky.
"Have you ever been channel surfing really late at night, and come across
some musty black and white movie that drags on, and on, and on and wondered:
'Egads, what could POSSIBLY be more boring than THIS?'" -- Roger Williams.
"Is widely disliked, but never with any real intensity since he's so
easily ignored. His single brief moment of relative prominence happened
a long time ago, and is widely believed to have been dumb luck anyway. Has-
been, though it is the most common description of Stain, gives him too much
credit." -- Blub.
-> Smith, Adrian. "Ex Auntie, who went straight. On loan from alt.peeves,
Adrian has signed up as attendant in the alt.flame Texas Tom memorial museum.
Spends most of his time preventing a certain unnamed, ****headed scribbler of
scripts from applying obscene graffiti to the museum's various exhibits."
-- FJ.
"Big on quality control for others and reasonable discussion of serious
issues, Adrian nevertheless mingles with the commoners here on
alt.flame when he has an axe to grind. While there are rumors doing
the rounds that he once said something funny, possibly in 1998, no one
has been able to confirm such claims. Very British." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Tanner, Kristian - aka Head Librarian. "Compulsive-obsessive weirdo
Finn who doggedly pursues his quarry (Koput, Bard) long past any
rational bounds and certainly far past any point of interest. Dull
is a compliment to this music-idiot." -- Don Lloyd.
"A once feared flamer who ranked among the upper crust in his day,
but has now been more or less reduced to sporadic little spasms of
faglames against Flaagg and Balloo." -- Raoul Xemblinosky.
-> Thorne, Tim - aka Doop, Dr. Doom, Dr. Dull. Member of HFW. "Relatively
new to the flame scene, and will probably always will be. Claims not to
have any ties to any flame organizations, but will constantly snuggle up
to HFW members whenever his ass is getting stomped. His repertiore consists
of not much more than homo lames and schoolyard insults. Fiercely anti-meow,
but can't even hold up to those lamers for more than a day or two."
--flamefaq@feedME.
"Fashions himself as a flame samurai. Unfortunately, is only capable of
one-line fag-lames, and monotonous retorts of 'IKYABWAI'. Once rumored to
be an alias of Gareth Slinn." -- Archie Leach.
"....... yawn . What, good ol' Timmy? Droning..... brk .....repetitious...
brrt, brrt ........robotic.......... chng ........obsessive......... grrkk
........dull........ chgachg a ****?" -- Strawberry.
"That boring chap from England." -- James Kirk.
"Public urinals are treated better than this dimwit, and for good reason.
Tim is currently Menjy's catamite, offering his ass to Menjy in the form of
unwitting autoflames and various other blunders (see: "THREE ****ING WEEKS!"
)" -- Roger Williams.
"Makes a living from the royalties generated by the use of his mistakes in
..sig files. At a penny per, he's doing pretty well." -- Blub.
-> van Kessel, Jeroen - aka FJ, Flame Jeroen, Lame Jeroen, Herts van Rental,
Lameroen, The 7th Fury. "Alt.flame's Salieri. This clogwit's sole claim to
fame has been his morbid obsession with all things 'Palmer'. Although he
maintains that Palmer is boring, he faithfully follows up to his every post.
Mistook himself for a flamer after boring Palmer off the net and took up
residence in alt.flame. Huge ego is complimented by lacking abilities. Seems
overjoyed when someone responds to him, yet runs for days at the first sign
of trouble." -- flamefaq@feedME.
"This cloghead's sole claim to fame is that he once ****ed the ugliest woman
in Holland, and is the only person to have ever been seen pogo-dancing to
Mariah Carey. His screen name (which translates as "Jeremy from Kettle" is the
only real clue that he is utterly incapable of speaking any recognizable form
of English. Van Kessel should be seen, and not heard." -- Menjy
"One of the more consistently strong flamers. His work is almost always
sharp and well composed. Has a couple of the more memorable spanks." -- Scott
Campbell.
"Rumor has it he's almost incomprehensible in person (owing to his heavily
accented and alchohol-slurred speech) and this combined with his being dirt
poor and ugly makes him very uncomfortable with human interaction of any kind.
He has therefore moved himself far from the mainstream of human society,
thereby earning its eternal gratitude. Tolerated in alt.flame, and sometimes
even pitied." -- Blub.
-> ying - aka Marek, Bubbles. Real name Mark Brownell. Took up
chemistry to snicker "expand his mind". Also a produced playwright,
though I can't imagine why. Thinks of himself as some sort of
ladykiller, for which he should be forced to listen to Richard
Hell and the Voidoids' "Love Comes In Spurts" about 500 times
without a break.
"Aka, Ying the Yellow, Mawk Brownosell, Easy Mark, Mr. Bunny, and the
Dirty, Double-Dealing, Bet-Welcher, who plagiarized the hell of me, got
caught, and lied about it.
"Mark made his debut during the 'Mark Infestation of '93' as one of the
three Amigos: Mark, Mark, and Mark. Now known as 'Ying' in order to
circumvent the many killfiles in which he is recorded, Ying is a
deceptively amiable, glad-handing, backstabber. Don't trust him.
See also: Flambe' Lite." -- Andrew "Naql" Hart.
"Vainglorious Canuck who has an admitted sexual fetish for Jack
Maxfield." -- Don Lloyd.
"He who constantly reminds me of this joke.
Q: Did you use to blow bubbles when you were a kid??
A: yes
Q: Well he is back in town and wants your number."
-- James Kirk.
"Who?" -- Blub.
--
Afterword
--
French's Maxim: If you can't make the Who's Who, try for, "What the hell
was that?"
--
alt.flame Special Forces
"If history cannot give us panaceas, it is the best possible cure of the yen
for panaceas. And the only proven antidote for utopianism."
-- Daniel J. Boorstin
****heada of alt.flame. Copyright 1995(c) Castle Anthrax Productions.
All rights reserved. All factual errors at least gotten wrong with
feeling ((tm) Stephen King, 1985). Last updated 6/2/06.
Submissions welcome but not necessarily used. Credit will be given to
anyone whose material is used, but will be made anonymous should the
submitter so desire.
This is a biased report. ((tm) Harlan Ellison)
-> alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk - "What a pathetic bunch of
driftwood these prozac-popping net.knobs are. Perhaps the shortest
war in the history of the Usenet. To summarize, we went and stated
something along the lines of: All right kids, saddle up and move out
because we are officially claiming this swamp as alt.flame territory.
The response was an unequivocally unified 'Take it! It's yours!'
"As Sun-tzu said 'The true art of war is to subdue the enemy without
fighting.' Well Sun, what if the enemy is subdued and doesn't want to
fight? What the hell is someone supposed to do when the opposing army
collectively throws like a girl and cries to mama? Keep the tanks
rolling I suppose." -- Joel A. Sutherland
-> alt.flamenet - "Sometime home of one crew or another of lamers and
wannabees who aspire to be the next alt.bigfoot but lack even the dim
flicker of sentience needed to qualify as ****heads. At least a half
dozen such crews have come and gone over the years. The current batch,
at least, isn't making or threatening trouble in the more sedate parts
of Usenet -- then again, given their inability to rise above the level
of faggot this and nancy-boy that, the rest of Usenet probably needn't
fear them anyway." -- Lee Jackson Beauregard.
-> alt.nuke.the.USA - The Not Ready For alt.flame Players. A group of
nitwits and halfwits who specialize in nationality flames, a genre of
flaming which was old when Usenet was still netnews. . Besides the
obvious quality control problems, there's something very wrong when a
group of people dedicate themselves to a force that has been screwing
up life for all human beings since Day One -- nationalism. Pathetic.
Regulars can usually be found posting such time-honored (to put it
nicely) ripostes as "We saved your booties in WW2" and "Americans are a
bunch of sods", and talking about how vawstly superiah they are to
alt.flame.
-> alt.peeves - Only known newsgroup with which alt.flame has gone to
war that honestly held its own (in no small way because everyone on
a.f. except for Marek, Dave Williams, and myself ran in the other
direction when they showed they could put a noun and a verb together
worth a damn). Higher standards of literacy than a.f., but too normal
to be as much fun. The unquestioned Elite of the Net... except for the
577,948 other clubs and cliques who also consider themselves the Elite
of the Net. Individually and collectively, they bear an uncomfortably
close resemblance to the deads in Robert Silverberg's short story
"Born with the Dead"... not to mention the "elite" in Roberta Lannes's
short story "I Walk Alone".
-> alt.usenet.kooks - "Filtering out any article crossposted to
alt.usenet.kooks specifically is actually rather appealing, but I probably
won't do that either except in my own newsreader.
"I don't think it was always as ugly, although I think you have to
go back even before Boursy. But in the days of the net.legends FAQ,
it really wasn't quite as bad, and even around the time of Freedom
Knights, there was a lot of playing on both sides. I think Usenet would
probably still have been better off without the entire concept, but it didn't
used to be quite as obviously horrible. There was still some stuff that verged
on torturing the mentally ill, though." -- Russ Allbery
-> Asikainen, Ari. "Once every while a newbie comes along who genuinely
adds something to alt.flame. Ari gave us atrociously running rhymes.
Thanks, Ari." -- FJ.
"Finland is famous for nothing and Ari proves why. He is netscum pure
and simpkle. He mocks me and the news and envies my exclusives." -- Sabu424
"Lord Ari has been helping to bring forth not only Divine Truth and
Freedom to this planet but also NESARA for the past 25 yrs. He is both
a High level Wh-te Knight and a Commander Acting in the present
position of Senior Navigator/Tactical Officer on the Bridge aboard the
Starship New Jerusalem. He is also in training to sit in the Captain's
Chair!!" -- John F. Winston
-> aus.flame - "The Brits collect $200 from each player and advance
to Boardwalk for banishing this trash to their own insignificant rock
on the wrong side of the planet." -- Don Lloyd.
-> Bait, Flame - The second kind of denizen of alt.flame (the first, of
course, being "flamer"). As Andrew "Ducksworth" Hart put it:
...alt.flame is loaded to the gills with senseless tackling
dummies who think it's the greatest sort of compliment when you pay
any attention to them at all, whether you best them or not. They
eat it up.
Flamers and Flame Bait. It's a symbiotic relationship.
Most such folks are good practice for up and coming flamers (most of
whom wind up being flame bait themselves). There are a precious few,
however, (Michele Dall'Agata and Jeff Witty, f'r instance) who make a
tremendous contribution to the wit quotient of this forum... not
because they can write to save their miserable lives, of course, but
because they so cry out to be made fun of that they inspire truly
hilarious parodies. As such, however indirectly, one can be flame bait
and still be of great value; indeed, Messrs. Dall'Agata and Witty may
be considered true masters of the form (R.I.P). (Obvious pun deleted
in the interest of good taste.)
-> Brawl-Hall.com - aka Bawl Hall, The Bawlers. "Soldiers would regularly
have sex with Brawl Hallers as young as 13 in rundown shelters, in the bush
near the military camps and on the bare ground behind buildings usually just
after dark, a report from the ALT.FLAME Office of Internal Oversight (OIOS)
said Friday." -- Jason Gortician
"Sorry. The administrator has banned your IP address. To contact the
administrator click here" -- Brawl-Hall.com (<-- Of course, I don't usually
permit self-penned Who's Who entries, but this is (a) not intended as such
and (b) too good to resist. I am willing to bend even my own rules in the
promotion of a good hint. -- Ed.]
-> Campbell, Scott. "[2001] has been Scott's year, as far as I'm concerned. A
well educated and eloquent gentleman underneath, provoke his wrath at your
own risk. An elegant use of language spiced up with a myriad of original
derogatory novelties is the vessel for well constructed arguments and points,
with which he can devastate any opponent. Well done, Scott." - FJ
"Texan Scott treats alt.flame as a testing ground: a place where he can
iron out the chinks in his stand-up routine. The trouble is that he doesn't
appear to have a stand-up routine. Many forgive him because of the contagious
joy he exudes while abusing stupid people." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Chason, Ray - aka The Master of Oblivion, Lee Jackson Beauregard, George
W. Bushwa. "A bot and a very dull one at that." -- Don Lloyd.
"Another oldbie who should retire. Living in a time warp from another
dimension, Beauregard believes himself to be a reincarnation of a fanatic
Confederate soldier with an Internet connection. Accuses anyone he
dislikes of being a 'Yankee'. Is known to post huge ASCII art of the
Confederate flag. Never posts more than two or three-line posts. His one
saving grace is his anti-racist stance; it is offset, however, with
extreme right-wing nationalism/regionalism." --flamefaq@feedME.
"He who greases the arse of squeeling pot bellied pigs." -- James Kirk.
"A teenage prankster taped a handwritten sign to his car that read 'Lose
waight (sic) fast with the cheap ass whiskie (sic) diet!!' Ray's been trying
to fix his dadgum busted bathroom scale ever dang since. Incoherent and
sloppy, he wavers in and out of consciousness while composing his responses
and more often than not retracts them in full when he awakens the next day."
-- Blub.
"Has fine cascading skills, which are -- unfortunately -- not complemented
by flaming skills. Must subconsciously know this, for he has taken it upon
himself to bore Wiseman to death. I'd forgive him, were it not for the
collateral damage to -my- boredom threshold." -- FJ.
"Fun fact of the day: This Southerner last posted an article which
didn't contain a reference to Roger Wiseman over ten months ago. At
this point Ray's tireless toiling only serves as a cautionary example
for newbies. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Chasons." -- Ari
Asikainen.
-> Christie, Jason Z. - aka Jason Gortician, High-C, and a host of other
nicks. "i'M WAITING FOR THE STALKER jASON z. cHRISTIE OF
ALT.ALIEN.VAMPIRE.FLONK.FLONK.FLONK TO CHIME IN. hE IS AFTER ALL A HALF
BREED WHO MARRIED A FAT BLACK PIG. sOMETIMES WHEN YOU MIX RACES YOU GET
A RETARD DEFECTIVE MISTAKE INSTEAD OF HYBRID VIGOR. tHAT jASON cHRISTIE
IS A GENETIC MISTAKE, THANK gOD IT CAN'T BREED!!!!! wHAT JOO GOT TO SAY
zEBRA cHRISTIE??? bWAAAAAAAA HAHA AHAAAA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
HA HA HA HA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA HOOO HEE HEEE <SNORT>" -- marsrules
-> Ekran, Paal Ditlefsen - aka The Last Viking, The Large Vomit.
"Newbie supreme from Norway." -- Par Svensson. Joined alt.bigfoot in
the hopes of appearing less lame by comparison. It didn't work.
"LuteFisk!" -- Wotan.
-> Humphries, Dean. "Dean's raison d'etre is advancing the cause of 'snuh'. A
snuh cascade is a virtual grooming ritual in which the participants grunt
meaningless monosyllabic words at each other. Think about that for a moment.
1... 2... 3... OK, you can stop now. To be fair, grooming is needed when Dean
is around: His flame tactics consist of attaching himself to the roots of your
hair and laying eggs." -- Ari Asikainen
-> jet. "Refresh, you need more help than the people of Usenet are able to
give you. Go to the light! Go to the light! OMG, it's the Sun! Run away Jet!
Run fast....." -- spooge
"Years ago someone coined the idea of having an apprenticeship program in
alt.flame. Being the benevolent deity of flame that I am, I freely offered my
services. Jet is my padawan learner. I ask for so little in life; and boy,
do I get it". -- FJ
-> Kerro - aka Kerrens, John. "The Army can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a lobotomized human minesweeper program in the 1950s." -- Blub.
"Self proclaimed 'flame-stud'. Posts while under the influence of
'drinkies' (Australians have a habit of making up diminutives for the
things they love and hold dear), consequently behaves like a complete
tit, sobers up, apologizes. Repeat." -- FJ.
"NOBODY tells him to knock anything off. He is a flame-stud; trust
him... And then he got back to his senses, such as they are, and
agreed to knock it off. Despite his legless antics and general
uselessness, John has an unshakeable belief in his own talents. I
guess someone has to." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Knapp, Mike - aka Stu Copeland, Archie Leach. "The official alt.flame
webtv BuFfoOn" -- James Kirk.
"The only alt.flamer who really understands the halfcourt triangle
offense. Uses WebTV because ... well, god knows why. Reviled for dragging
college football dullards into alt.flame" -- Roger Williams.
"About as entertaining as a child's inflatable punching toy. You bop
it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It
slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away."
-- Blub.
-> Koput, James - aka Fester the Rat, Locust Abortion Technician,
Independent Worm Saloon, Peter Crippen, Filter, and a host of other
nicks. "Just plain sucks. About the most amusement you'll get out of
Koput consists of trying to figure out what drug he was one when he
selected his new nickname." -- Chris Viens.
"A complete nobody since his net.destruction at the hands of certain
unnamed British/Finnish operatives. He insists upon posting regardless."
-- Don Lloyd.
"The trickster of alt.flame, this garbage compactor has no flame
ability and therefore must netcop, forge, and otherwise circumvent the
system to save face. Claims to be a cartoonist from Canada. Has a
penchant for calling people 'pedophile' in non-flame groups in hopes
that they are booted and leave him alone in his self-inflicted misery."
--flamefaq@feedME.
"The brain of a microcephalic lemur, transplanted into the rotting
carcass of a common swine. Rolls around in the puke of dogs, masturbating
furiously." -- Blub.
"Spends most of his time either defending Keegan or whimpering about
his imagined net notoriety. Harmless really." -- FJ
Moreover, let us not forget that this is the ****wheirt who claimed to
have ****ed 1000 women in his lifetime.
-> Newbies, Clueless - Everyone who's been posting for less than three
months... and half the others. The most vital resource of alt.flame,
despite poor reputation; after all, imagine an oldbie-only moderated
flame group...
Blob: **** you, you racist bigot!
Carmelo: No, **** you , Hassholeter!
ying: How about those Blue Jays, eh?
Keegan: you forged this article, didn't you? chuckle
Darcy: I did not!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Stain: Oh, Wendy! sigh
Wendy: Oh, Pookie! smewch
Dave Williams: 'Ere, stop that!
Stain: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
'73 Chevy Pickup: [ slaps Willy in the head ] Now you've done it!
Stain: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
Stain: Lutefisk.
Horrifying, isn't it? Only through more newbies will this group avoid
paralysis... if only via having fresh targets.
-> Saeger, Eric W. - aka The Phantom Menace. "Reinvented slurping as a
'style'. Best known for his fine polishing of Stain's lower intestine, and
bragging about collecting toys. The boy from New Hampshire's attempts to
reinvent himself as a bonafide flamer were quickly dashed when pictures of
his Motley Crue cover bands surfaced on the web, providing an ammunition
gap too big for even Saeger to slurp his way out of." -- Roger Williams.
-> The Stainless Steel Moviegoer - aka Jack Maxfield, Pookie, Stain, ANS,
Avoid normal situations. Yours truly. Software engineer and five-year
-plus veteran of alt.flame. Official "weenie" according to the increasingly
unavailable (heh, heh) alt.bigfoot FAQ. (Did I mention that I dig the
flicks?) Also screenwriter, actor, and filmmaker with an international cult
following; only two people agreed to read all five of the screenplays that
I offered on alt.flame, and, since the word "cult" implies a minority, you
can't get much more cult than that.
"Aka, Stoneless, Strapless, Squealy, Brainless, Jerk Minyield, Obloid
abnormal deformations, He Who Brays Like a Mindless Ass, Mr. Annoying, etc.
"The Stainless Steel Rectal Thermometer first arrived in alt.flame about
two years ago on a rail, covered with tar and feathers, when he was
driven forth from alt.tasteless.jokes. Taken into the alt.flame Mother
of Mercy Hospital with third degree burns covering most of his plush
posterior, Strain repaid the readers of alt.flame by contributing his
services as a clay pigeon and devising much of the insipid tripe
that still waters a.f. down to this day. See also ****head Cascades,
Giggling Grabass Goofiness, and Annoying One-Line Non-Sequiturs." -- Andrew
"Naql" Hart.
Rebuttal: Actually, I was quite well liked on a.t.j. I got flamed
a lot for posting intensely bad puns, but since I was getting so bright
a spotlight, I issued a CFV on whether I should continue posting my
usual material there... which I won. 'Twas there that I acquired a
taste for flaming... and the rest, as they say, is history.
"Mistakes brevity for biting wit. Real name Jack Maxfield, has been
around a while and general likes referencing movie quotes. Is generally
not funny and is prone to net copping. (so say the bigfooters)."
-- Anonymous.
"A flamer wanna be. A FAQ meister wanna be. Flame him with either
style or crudeness, and he'll killfile you in a heartbeat. His FAQ and
Who's Who are barely related to the actual alt.flame readership." -- Wotan.
"Tactical leader of the alt.flame Special Forces group to Banish Overt
Reckless Ingenuity from New Groups or BORING." -- Don Lloyd.
"One of the ancients that actually still exists. Posts sporadically, doesn't
have a lot to say when he does post, and is generally as clueless as
his former compatriots imply. This is a nod to the old-timers who seem
to think they own the group. Also the author of the 'official' FAQ, or
who's who, or whatever the hell it is." --flamefaq@feedME.
"Old, old, old, old, old, senile, old, old, old, old, old man. Darwin would
NOT be pleased to see how unefficiently evolution works on alt.flame. Since
Viagra became in vogue, I've noticed more plonks , 'Read the FAQ', and
'(x newsgroup) sucks compared to alt.flame. Coincidence? I think not."
--The Cypher.
"This slumbering dotard occasionally belches out one line drivel in an
attempt to appear to be involved in af. It is, of course, a sham. Smilin'
Jack and his many nicknames. And his rebuttal! Thanks, Jack! Just what is
needed; a porcine, Roger Ebert look alike who manages to squeal the odd,
stale witticism in here between buckets of popcorn." -- Strawberry.
"The crustiest of the crusty. A throwback to a different era where
The Men Were Men.... and the sheep knew it. King of the bad pun. ie; Q.)
When did the Chinese guy know when it was time to visit the dentist? A.)
When his tooth-hurtee. [insert lone cricket sound effect] The trauma of
always being The Guy Who Was Picked Last as a kid, has caused Jack to hate
sports and spend way too much time in darkened theatres turning a whiter
shade of pale. All this bitterness and depression _has_ caused Stain to
become one of the better flamers in a dot f. He has a caustic, sarcastic
style that's capable of doing more damage to an opponent with a line or two,
than the usual long-winded, dry point-by-counter-point flame." -- Scott
Campbell.
"That ****head who quotes movies." -- James Kirk.
"The subject of the longest entry in the old, outmoded, FAQ which he (not
coincidentally) maintains." -- Raoul Xemblinosky.
"Have you ever been channel surfing really late at night, and come across
some musty black and white movie that drags on, and on, and on and wondered:
'Egads, what could POSSIBLY be more boring than THIS?'" -- Roger Williams.
"Is widely disliked, but never with any real intensity since he's so
easily ignored. His single brief moment of relative prominence happened
a long time ago, and is widely believed to have been dumb luck anyway. Has-
been, though it is the most common description of Stain, gives him too much
credit." -- Blub.
-> Smith, Adrian. "Ex Auntie, who went straight. On loan from alt.peeves,
Adrian has signed up as attendant in the alt.flame Texas Tom memorial museum.
Spends most of his time preventing a certain unnamed, ****headed scribbler of
scripts from applying obscene graffiti to the museum's various exhibits."
-- FJ.
"Big on quality control for others and reasonable discussion of serious
issues, Adrian nevertheless mingles with the commoners here on
alt.flame when he has an axe to grind. While there are rumors doing
the rounds that he once said something funny, possibly in 1998, no one
has been able to confirm such claims. Very British." -- Ari Asikainen.
-> Tanner, Kristian - aka Head Librarian. "Compulsive-obsessive weirdo
Finn who doggedly pursues his quarry (Koput, Bard) long past any
rational bounds and certainly far past any point of interest. Dull
is a compliment to this music-idiot." -- Don Lloyd.
"A once feared flamer who ranked among the upper crust in his day,
but has now been more or less reduced to sporadic little spasms of
faglames against Flaagg and Balloo." -- Raoul Xemblinosky.
-> Thorne, Tim - aka Doop, Dr. Doom, Dr. Dull. Member of HFW. "Relatively
new to the flame scene, and will probably always will be. Claims not to
have any ties to any flame organizations, but will constantly snuggle up
to HFW members whenever his ass is getting stomped. His repertiore consists
of not much more than homo lames and schoolyard insults. Fiercely anti-meow,
but can't even hold up to those lamers for more than a day or two."
--flamefaq@feedME.
"Fashions himself as a flame samurai. Unfortunately, is only capable of
one-line fag-lames, and monotonous retorts of 'IKYABWAI'. Once rumored to
be an alias of Gareth Slinn." -- Archie Leach.
"....... yawn . What, good ol' Timmy? Droning..... brk .....repetitious...
brrt, brrt ........robotic.......... chng ........obsessive......... grrkk
........dull........ chgachg a ****?" -- Strawberry.
"That boring chap from England." -- James Kirk.
"Public urinals are treated better than this dimwit, and for good reason.
Tim is currently Menjy's catamite, offering his ass to Menjy in the form of
unwitting autoflames and various other blunders (see: "THREE ****ING WEEKS!"
)" -- Roger Williams.
"Makes a living from the royalties generated by the use of his mistakes in
..sig files. At a penny per, he's doing pretty well." -- Blub.
-> van Kessel, Jeroen - aka FJ, Flame Jeroen, Lame Jeroen, Herts van Rental,
Lameroen, The 7th Fury. "Alt.flame's Salieri. This clogwit's sole claim to
fame has been his morbid obsession with all things 'Palmer'. Although he
maintains that Palmer is boring, he faithfully follows up to his every post.
Mistook himself for a flamer after boring Palmer off the net and took up
residence in alt.flame. Huge ego is complimented by lacking abilities. Seems
overjoyed when someone responds to him, yet runs for days at the first sign
of trouble." -- flamefaq@feedME.
"This cloghead's sole claim to fame is that he once ****ed the ugliest woman
in Holland, and is the only person to have ever been seen pogo-dancing to
Mariah Carey. His screen name (which translates as "Jeremy from Kettle" is the
only real clue that he is utterly incapable of speaking any recognizable form
of English. Van Kessel should be seen, and not heard." -- Menjy
"One of the more consistently strong flamers. His work is almost always
sharp and well composed. Has a couple of the more memorable spanks." -- Scott
Campbell.
"Rumor has it he's almost incomprehensible in person (owing to his heavily
accented and alchohol-slurred speech) and this combined with his being dirt
poor and ugly makes him very uncomfortable with human interaction of any kind.
He has therefore moved himself far from the mainstream of human society,
thereby earning its eternal gratitude. Tolerated in alt.flame, and sometimes
even pitied." -- Blub.
-> ying - aka Marek, Bubbles. Real name Mark Brownell. Took up
chemistry to snicker "expand his mind". Also a produced playwright,
though I can't imagine why. Thinks of himself as some sort of
ladykiller, for which he should be forced to listen to Richard
Hell and the Voidoids' "Love Comes In Spurts" about 500 times
without a break.
"Aka, Ying the Yellow, Mawk Brownosell, Easy Mark, Mr. Bunny, and the
Dirty, Double-Dealing, Bet-Welcher, who plagiarized the hell of me, got
caught, and lied about it.
"Mark made his debut during the 'Mark Infestation of '93' as one of the
three Amigos: Mark, Mark, and Mark. Now known as 'Ying' in order to
circumvent the many killfiles in which he is recorded, Ying is a
deceptively amiable, glad-handing, backstabber. Don't trust him.
See also: Flambe' Lite." -- Andrew "Naql" Hart.
"Vainglorious Canuck who has an admitted sexual fetish for Jack
Maxfield." -- Don Lloyd.
"He who constantly reminds me of this joke.
Q: Did you use to blow bubbles when you were a kid??
A: yes
Q: Well he is back in town and wants your number."
-- James Kirk.
"Who?" -- Blub.
--
Afterword
--
French's Maxim: If you can't make the Who's Who, try for, "What the hell
was that?"
--
alt.flame Special Forces
"If history cannot give us panaceas, it is the best possible cure of the yen
for panaceas. And the only proven antidote for utopianism."
-- Daniel J. Boorstin