G
Gandalf Grey
Guest
The April Fools' Awards
By Ed Naha
Created Apr 19 2008 - 11:52am
Ben Franklin once wrote, "Nothing is certain but death and taxes." To Ben's
list, I would add "and political buffoons." Now, technically, April Fools'
Day has come and gone. However, the American political scene has provided us
with so many jokes this month that every day has seemed April Fools' Day.
So, let us honor the fools of April (thus far), in the first Annual April
Fools' Awards!
The "Never Give A Sucker An Even Break" award goes to the ABC network for
their handling of the 21st Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate. In a
move that P.T. Barnum would have loved, ABC treated this "news" event as a
prime-time entertainment extravaganza, refusing to show it "live"
coast-to-coast. All voters on the West Coast had to watch it on tape, three
hours after the fact, thus ensuring that the debate would air in prime time
and boost ABC's ratings.
Furthermore, ABC decreed that all other news outlets were forbidden to use
anything more than a single 30 second clip culled from the Wednesday night
debate until after 5 a.m. Thursday morning. Why? Said an ABC spokesman: "We
have an obligation to our West Coast affiliates to not make chunks of the
debate available until their viewers have had a chance to see them."
As it turns out, West Coast viewers were lucky - in that the debate turned
out not to be a debate at all but, rather, a carnival Geek Show. You know,
like most of ABC's prime-time line-up. As a result, millions of viewers made
chunks on their own.
The "I've Been Slimed!" award goes to ABC "debate" moderators Charlie Gibson
and George Stephanopoulos who, apparently, channeled the writing staff of
"The National Enquirer" and/or "TMZ" in crafting their hard hitting
questions on flag lapel pins, the Weatherman and who loves America the
mostest.
Moderating in the lofty mode made famous by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello,
Beavis and Butthead and Leopold and Loeb, the duo was quite erudite in its
questioning, stopping short, because of time limitations, of posing such
classics as "Are you still beating your wife?" and "What is it about you
that made your husband cheat?"
Rumor has it that Charlie and George have been offered the hosting slots on
a proposed ABC game show "Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks."
The "First Contestant on Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks" award goes to
Senator Joe Lieberman (whatever party suits him, CT.), who summed up the
conditions in Iraq during the recent Petraeus/Crocker hearings with: "Hey,
let's be honest about this: The Iraqi political leadership has achieved a
lot more political reconciliation and progress since September than the
American political leadership has."
Maybe. But then, again, the Iraqis don't have Bush as their president.
The "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" award goes to Elton John.
While giving a fundraising concert for Hillary Clinton, he intoned: "I'm
amazed by the misogynistic attitudes of some of the people in this country.
And I say to hell with them...I love you Hillary. I'll be there for you."
No word on whether he performed "The Bitch Is Back."
The "Love Is Blind(ers)" award has to be bestowed upon John McCain's
favorite lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who, addressing General David
Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker, gushed: "If I could promote you to
five stars, I would. And if I could - I don't know where to send you. You've
been to every bad place there is to go, so I'd send you to a good place,
Ambassador Crocker."
They later all canoodled under the stars at Disneyland.
John McCain earns the "Remember the Maine - Kind Of" accolade. Apparently
forgetting whose votes he's currying, he appeared at a rally of the
conservative Vets for Freedom group and declared: "We will never surrender
to extremists!" ("Uh, Reverend Hagee on line five.")
That same week, McCain demurred on endorsing bipartisan legislation for a
new GI Bill that would greatly expand educational benefits for returning
veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. His reasoning? If the benefits are too
good, a lot more members of the military might bail to take advantage of
them.
I guess he's worried about a literal Army of one.
The "Getting Bitter All the Time" Award goes to the Spin Doctors (not the
band, the anonymous string-pullers). At a recent fund-raiser in San
Francisco, Barack Obama was trying to explain his approach to some small
towns. "I think it's fair to say that the places where we are going to have
to do the most work are the places where people feel most cynical about
government," he began.
"Here's how it is: in a lot of these communities in big industrial states
like Ohio and Pennsylvania, people have been beaten down so long, and they
feel so betrayed by government, and when they hear a pitch that is premised
on not being cynical about government, then a part of them just doesn't buy
it. And when it's delivered by - it's true - that when it's delivered by a
46-year-old black man named Barack Obama (laughter), then that adds another
layer of skepticism (laughter)."
He later added: "But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people
persuaded that we can make progress when there's not evidence of that in
their daily lives. You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania,
and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now
for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton
administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive
administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate
and they have not. So it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they
cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or
anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their
frustrations."
Bingo! The crap hit the fan or the chum hit the water. Hillary Clinton was
outraged. "Now, like some of you may have been, I was taken aback by the
demeaning remarks Senator Obama made about people in small town America.
Senator Obama's remarks are elitist and they are out of touch. They are not
reflective of the values and beliefs of Americans. Certainly not the
Americans that I know - not the Americans I grew up with, not the Americans
I lived with in Arkansas or represent in New York."
She added: "People don't need a president who looks down on them; they need
a president who stands up for them. And that is exactly what I will do as
your president."
McCain spokesman Steve Schmidt also offered an aria. ""It shows an elitism
and condescension towards hardworking Americans that is nothing short of
breathtaking. It is hard to imagine someone running for president who is
more out of touch with average Americans."
Obama copped to mangling his message in terms of verbiage but was not amused
by the bitter tea being offered in his direction. He told a crowd in
Indiana: "Out of touch? I mean, John McCain-it took him three tries to
finally figure out that the home foreclosure crisis was a problem and to
come up with a plan for it, and he's saying I'm out of touch? Senator
Clinton voted for a credit card-sponsored bankruptcy bill that made it
harder for people to get out of debt after taking money from the financial
services companies, and she says I'm out of touch? No, I'm in touch.
"I know exactly what's going on. I know what's going on in Pennsylvania. I
know what's going on in Indiana. I know what's going on in Illinois. People
are fed-up. They're angry and they're frustrated and they're bitter. And
they want to see a change in Washington and that's why I'm running for
President of the United States of America."
While the Clinton campaign was handing out "I'm not bitter" stickers,
writers at The Huffington Post found two interesting quotes from both Bill
and Hillary regarding small town folks.
While running against Bush Sr., Bill told "The Los Angeles Times" in
September, 1991: "The reason (Bush's tactic) works so well now is that you
have all these economically insecure white persons who are scared to death."
And, as chronicled in the 2001 book "The Truth of Power," author Benjamin
Barber quotes Hillary Clinton at a Camp David retreat speaking to her
husband about the 1994 Republican blow-out in the Congressional elections
and all the white southern workers who had forsaken the Democratic Party to
vote Republican.
"Screw 'em. You don't owe them a thing, Bill. They're doing nothing for you;
you don't have to do anything for them."
Well, at least no one was bitter or clingy back then. Those were the days,
huh? Good times. Good times.
The "Owsley Stanley Visionary" award, collectively, is given to George W.
Bush, Senator Joe Lieberman and Senator Lindsey Graham for their unique
assessments on Iraq.
Carefully taking into account the situation on the ground, Bush declared:
"So long as I'm president, my measure of success is victory - and success."
Joe Lieberman, always the Merry Prankster, inflated his jowls at the
Petraeus/Crocker hearings and mused: "It seems to me that there's a kind of
hear no progress in Iraq, see no progress in Iraq, and most of all, speak of
no progress in Iraq. The fact is, there has been progress in Iraq."
Happy warrior Lindsey Graham crowed before a Vets for Freedom group: "You
want to know who wants you (troops) to come home more than anybody? Al
Qaeda - because you're kicking their ass."
Backing up our terrific trio's factual statements were such headlines as:
"1,300 Iraqi Troops, Police Dismissed," "Iraqi Unit Flees Post, Despite
American's Plea," "Busy In Iraq, U.S. Also Faces Surging Violence In
Afghanistan," "Suicide Bomber Hits Funeral North of Baghdad, Killing 50,"
"Bombs Kill At Least 60 In Iraq As Fears Mount of More To Come," "Nearly 1
In 5 Troops Has Mental Problems After War Service" and "Pentagon Institute
Calls Iraq War A 'Major Debacle' With Outcome 'In Doubt.'"
Kick ass.
The "Economics Made Easy" award is won by "The Washington Post" which
successfully summed up Senator John McCain's new fiscal insights with:
"McCain Offers Populist Message, Corporate Tax Cuts." Can you say: "Four
More Years?"
The "Lord Be Friggin' With You, Dude" award goes to George W. Bush, who
complimented Pope Benedict XVI with a starry-eyed "Thank you, Your Holiness.
Awesome speech!" Pope Benedict was, reportedly, bummed out.
The "Beer Guzzlin', Whiskey Drinkin', Rootin'-Tootinest-Varrmint-Shootinest
Yosemite Sam" medal of honor is bestowed upon Hillary Clinton who, in the
wake of Obama's "elitist" take on small town folks, sought to redefine
herself as a closet good ol' gal.
The same weekend that saw her downing a shot of whiskey with a beer chaser
(Sorry, guys. She's taken.), Clinton performed her one-act play: "Hilly, Get
Your Gun."
"You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built
on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to
shoot when I was a little girl," said Clinton.
"You know, some people now continue to teach their children and their
grandchildren. It's part of culture. It's part of a way of life. People
enjoy hunting and shooting because it's an important part of who they are.
Not because they are bitter."
She later clarified: "As I told you, my dad taught me how to shoot behind
our cottage. I have gone hunting. I am not a hunter. But I have gone
hunting."
Um. Careful. You'll poke your eye out, kid.
CNN's Jack Cafferty wasn't impressed. "Meanwhile, after appealing to gun
owners and church-goers all weekend, Clinton refused to answer a question
about the last time she fired a gun, saying 'We can answer that some other
time' and that it's not 'a relevant question in this debate.'"
And the American Hunters and Shooters Association (AHSA) formally endorsed
Obama because he "gets it."
When the whole gunslinger deal came up a' shootin' blanks, a Clinton aide
further clarified the initial statement. "This is not a contest about who
can be a more avid aficionado of guns and ammo," the aide said. "This is
about what Obama said about people living in small towns. Hillary is not a
hunter - she doesn't purport to be. She has gone hunting but frankly it's
somewhat beside the point. It's about whether you respect people who live in
these small towns and rural communities."
Elmer Fudd was unavailable for comment.
The "I'm Shocked, SHOCKED" Award is snared by Vice President Dick ("X-Ray
Specs") Cheney, who sniffed, re: Obama: " I thought the controversy over
Reverend Wright was remarkable. I thought some of the things he said were
absolutely appalling. -- I think, like most Americans, I was stunned at what
the Reverend was preaching in his church and then putting up on his
website."
That same week saw the headline: "Cheney, Others OK'd Harsh Interrogations."
In a story touted by ABC, it was revealed that a series of meetings
concerning anti-terrorist "tough love" were held in the White House
Situation Room in the years immediately following the Sept. 11 attacks.
Attending the sessions were Cheney, then-Bush aides Attorney General John
Ashcroft, Secretary of State Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and
national security adviser Condoleezza Rice.
Also in attendance, CIA officers who demonstrated proposed interrogation
tactics, making sure everyone in attendance understood the "owie" factor.
Slaps, shoves, water-boarding and other techniques were acted out. They were
all given a big thumb's up. The only person who wasn't crazy about the CIA's
Marcel Marceau as Poe pantomimes was John Ashcroft. "Why are we talking
about this in the White House?" ABC reported him saying. "History will not
judge this kindly."
The "Wossamotta U Prize for Humanitarianism" goes to former White House
shyster John C. Yoo who wrote a couple of nifty memos stating, basically,
that when America tortures...it ain't torture! Screw the Geneva Conventions!
(Supposedly, one or both of the memos have been rescinded by the DOJ.
Nobody's really clear on that.)
"The Washington Post's" primo blogger Dan Froomkin summed up Yoo's
contribution to the Administration best: "Yoo's (just revealed) memo is a
historic document. It is the ultimate expression of Cheney's belief that
anything the president or his designates do -- no matter how illegal,
barbaric or un-American -- is justifiable in the name of national
self-defense."
Yoo now is teaching at the University of California-Berkeley School of Law.
A lot of folks would like to see him fired. The University's dean,
Christopher Edley, Jr., says he can't. In terms of torture, Yoo was only the
adviser. "President Bush and his national security appointees were the
deciders."
Nobody has commented on the exact nature of Yoo's classes but, apparently,
his extra credit assignments are to die for.
The "Nothin' Says Lovin' Than Somethin' Stolen From the Oven" prize goes to
America's new June Cleaver, beer baroness Cindy McCain, who posted recipes
stolen from The Food Network on her "Cindy's Recipes" section of the McCain
site. Within a day, the recipe rustling was attributed to low-level unpaid
McCain staffers.
Unfortunately, by that time, John had already worked over the Keebler Elves
pretty badly.
The "They Call Me MISTER Tibbs" accolade is shared by Republican bozos Rep.
Geoff Davis (KY) and would-be NY Rep. David Bellavia. Speaking at a dinner,
Davis likened Barack Obama to a "snake oil salesman" before stating: "That
boy's finger does not need to be on the (nuclear) button." A week earlier,
Bellavia introduced John McCain at a rally, declaring: "You can have your
Tiger Woods! We've got Senator McCain!"
Both are rumored to be negotiating with ABC for the coveted debate
moderators' slot.
The "Best Unintentional Summation of American Politics" award goes to this
wire service headline: "Baby With Two Faces Born In India."
I predict a long and successful career for that baby as either a politician
or a spin-doctor, should the kid move stateside.
But pay no attention to what I think.
I guess I'm just bitter.
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
By Ed Naha
Created Apr 19 2008 - 11:52am
Ben Franklin once wrote, "Nothing is certain but death and taxes." To Ben's
list, I would add "and political buffoons." Now, technically, April Fools'
Day has come and gone. However, the American political scene has provided us
with so many jokes this month that every day has seemed April Fools' Day.
So, let us honor the fools of April (thus far), in the first Annual April
Fools' Awards!
The "Never Give A Sucker An Even Break" award goes to the ABC network for
their handling of the 21st Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate. In a
move that P.T. Barnum would have loved, ABC treated this "news" event as a
prime-time entertainment extravaganza, refusing to show it "live"
coast-to-coast. All voters on the West Coast had to watch it on tape, three
hours after the fact, thus ensuring that the debate would air in prime time
and boost ABC's ratings.
Furthermore, ABC decreed that all other news outlets were forbidden to use
anything more than a single 30 second clip culled from the Wednesday night
debate until after 5 a.m. Thursday morning. Why? Said an ABC spokesman: "We
have an obligation to our West Coast affiliates to not make chunks of the
debate available until their viewers have had a chance to see them."
As it turns out, West Coast viewers were lucky - in that the debate turned
out not to be a debate at all but, rather, a carnival Geek Show. You know,
like most of ABC's prime-time line-up. As a result, millions of viewers made
chunks on their own.
The "I've Been Slimed!" award goes to ABC "debate" moderators Charlie Gibson
and George Stephanopoulos who, apparently, channeled the writing staff of
"The National Enquirer" and/or "TMZ" in crafting their hard hitting
questions on flag lapel pins, the Weatherman and who loves America the
mostest.
Moderating in the lofty mode made famous by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello,
Beavis and Butthead and Leopold and Loeb, the duo was quite erudite in its
questioning, stopping short, because of time limitations, of posing such
classics as "Are you still beating your wife?" and "What is it about you
that made your husband cheat?"
Rumor has it that Charlie and George have been offered the hosting slots on
a proposed ABC game show "Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks."
The "First Contestant on Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks" award goes to
Senator Joe Lieberman (whatever party suits him, CT.), who summed up the
conditions in Iraq during the recent Petraeus/Crocker hearings with: "Hey,
let's be honest about this: The Iraqi political leadership has achieved a
lot more political reconciliation and progress since September than the
American political leadership has."
Maybe. But then, again, the Iraqis don't have Bush as their president.
The "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" award goes to Elton John.
While giving a fundraising concert for Hillary Clinton, he intoned: "I'm
amazed by the misogynistic attitudes of some of the people in this country.
And I say to hell with them...I love you Hillary. I'll be there for you."
No word on whether he performed "The Bitch Is Back."
The "Love Is Blind(ers)" award has to be bestowed upon John McCain's
favorite lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who, addressing General David
Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker, gushed: "If I could promote you to
five stars, I would. And if I could - I don't know where to send you. You've
been to every bad place there is to go, so I'd send you to a good place,
Ambassador Crocker."
They later all canoodled under the stars at Disneyland.
John McCain earns the "Remember the Maine - Kind Of" accolade. Apparently
forgetting whose votes he's currying, he appeared at a rally of the
conservative Vets for Freedom group and declared: "We will never surrender
to extremists!" ("Uh, Reverend Hagee on line five.")
That same week, McCain demurred on endorsing bipartisan legislation for a
new GI Bill that would greatly expand educational benefits for returning
veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. His reasoning? If the benefits are too
good, a lot more members of the military might bail to take advantage of
them.
I guess he's worried about a literal Army of one.
The "Getting Bitter All the Time" Award goes to the Spin Doctors (not the
band, the anonymous string-pullers). At a recent fund-raiser in San
Francisco, Barack Obama was trying to explain his approach to some small
towns. "I think it's fair to say that the places where we are going to have
to do the most work are the places where people feel most cynical about
government," he began.
"Here's how it is: in a lot of these communities in big industrial states
like Ohio and Pennsylvania, people have been beaten down so long, and they
feel so betrayed by government, and when they hear a pitch that is premised
on not being cynical about government, then a part of them just doesn't buy
it. And when it's delivered by - it's true - that when it's delivered by a
46-year-old black man named Barack Obama (laughter), then that adds another
layer of skepticism (laughter)."
He later added: "But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people
persuaded that we can make progress when there's not evidence of that in
their daily lives. You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania,
and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now
for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton
administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive
administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate
and they have not. So it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they
cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or
anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their
frustrations."
Bingo! The crap hit the fan or the chum hit the water. Hillary Clinton was
outraged. "Now, like some of you may have been, I was taken aback by the
demeaning remarks Senator Obama made about people in small town America.
Senator Obama's remarks are elitist and they are out of touch. They are not
reflective of the values and beliefs of Americans. Certainly not the
Americans that I know - not the Americans I grew up with, not the Americans
I lived with in Arkansas or represent in New York."
She added: "People don't need a president who looks down on them; they need
a president who stands up for them. And that is exactly what I will do as
your president."
McCain spokesman Steve Schmidt also offered an aria. ""It shows an elitism
and condescension towards hardworking Americans that is nothing short of
breathtaking. It is hard to imagine someone running for president who is
more out of touch with average Americans."
Obama copped to mangling his message in terms of verbiage but was not amused
by the bitter tea being offered in his direction. He told a crowd in
Indiana: "Out of touch? I mean, John McCain-it took him three tries to
finally figure out that the home foreclosure crisis was a problem and to
come up with a plan for it, and he's saying I'm out of touch? Senator
Clinton voted for a credit card-sponsored bankruptcy bill that made it
harder for people to get out of debt after taking money from the financial
services companies, and she says I'm out of touch? No, I'm in touch.
"I know exactly what's going on. I know what's going on in Pennsylvania. I
know what's going on in Indiana. I know what's going on in Illinois. People
are fed-up. They're angry and they're frustrated and they're bitter. And
they want to see a change in Washington and that's why I'm running for
President of the United States of America."
While the Clinton campaign was handing out "I'm not bitter" stickers,
writers at The Huffington Post found two interesting quotes from both Bill
and Hillary regarding small town folks.
While running against Bush Sr., Bill told "The Los Angeles Times" in
September, 1991: "The reason (Bush's tactic) works so well now is that you
have all these economically insecure white persons who are scared to death."
And, as chronicled in the 2001 book "The Truth of Power," author Benjamin
Barber quotes Hillary Clinton at a Camp David retreat speaking to her
husband about the 1994 Republican blow-out in the Congressional elections
and all the white southern workers who had forsaken the Democratic Party to
vote Republican.
"Screw 'em. You don't owe them a thing, Bill. They're doing nothing for you;
you don't have to do anything for them."
Well, at least no one was bitter or clingy back then. Those were the days,
huh? Good times. Good times.
The "Owsley Stanley Visionary" award, collectively, is given to George W.
Bush, Senator Joe Lieberman and Senator Lindsey Graham for their unique
assessments on Iraq.
Carefully taking into account the situation on the ground, Bush declared:
"So long as I'm president, my measure of success is victory - and success."
Joe Lieberman, always the Merry Prankster, inflated his jowls at the
Petraeus/Crocker hearings and mused: "It seems to me that there's a kind of
hear no progress in Iraq, see no progress in Iraq, and most of all, speak of
no progress in Iraq. The fact is, there has been progress in Iraq."
Happy warrior Lindsey Graham crowed before a Vets for Freedom group: "You
want to know who wants you (troops) to come home more than anybody? Al
Qaeda - because you're kicking their ass."
Backing up our terrific trio's factual statements were such headlines as:
"1,300 Iraqi Troops, Police Dismissed," "Iraqi Unit Flees Post, Despite
American's Plea," "Busy In Iraq, U.S. Also Faces Surging Violence In
Afghanistan," "Suicide Bomber Hits Funeral North of Baghdad, Killing 50,"
"Bombs Kill At Least 60 In Iraq As Fears Mount of More To Come," "Nearly 1
In 5 Troops Has Mental Problems After War Service" and "Pentagon Institute
Calls Iraq War A 'Major Debacle' With Outcome 'In Doubt.'"
Kick ass.
The "Economics Made Easy" award is won by "The Washington Post" which
successfully summed up Senator John McCain's new fiscal insights with:
"McCain Offers Populist Message, Corporate Tax Cuts." Can you say: "Four
More Years?"
The "Lord Be Friggin' With You, Dude" award goes to George W. Bush, who
complimented Pope Benedict XVI with a starry-eyed "Thank you, Your Holiness.
Awesome speech!" Pope Benedict was, reportedly, bummed out.
The "Beer Guzzlin', Whiskey Drinkin', Rootin'-Tootinest-Varrmint-Shootinest
Yosemite Sam" medal of honor is bestowed upon Hillary Clinton who, in the
wake of Obama's "elitist" take on small town folks, sought to redefine
herself as a closet good ol' gal.
The same weekend that saw her downing a shot of whiskey with a beer chaser
(Sorry, guys. She's taken.), Clinton performed her one-act play: "Hilly, Get
Your Gun."
"You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built
on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to
shoot when I was a little girl," said Clinton.
"You know, some people now continue to teach their children and their
grandchildren. It's part of culture. It's part of a way of life. People
enjoy hunting and shooting because it's an important part of who they are.
Not because they are bitter."
She later clarified: "As I told you, my dad taught me how to shoot behind
our cottage. I have gone hunting. I am not a hunter. But I have gone
hunting."
Um. Careful. You'll poke your eye out, kid.
CNN's Jack Cafferty wasn't impressed. "Meanwhile, after appealing to gun
owners and church-goers all weekend, Clinton refused to answer a question
about the last time she fired a gun, saying 'We can answer that some other
time' and that it's not 'a relevant question in this debate.'"
And the American Hunters and Shooters Association (AHSA) formally endorsed
Obama because he "gets it."
When the whole gunslinger deal came up a' shootin' blanks, a Clinton aide
further clarified the initial statement. "This is not a contest about who
can be a more avid aficionado of guns and ammo," the aide said. "This is
about what Obama said about people living in small towns. Hillary is not a
hunter - she doesn't purport to be. She has gone hunting but frankly it's
somewhat beside the point. It's about whether you respect people who live in
these small towns and rural communities."
Elmer Fudd was unavailable for comment.
The "I'm Shocked, SHOCKED" Award is snared by Vice President Dick ("X-Ray
Specs") Cheney, who sniffed, re: Obama: " I thought the controversy over
Reverend Wright was remarkable. I thought some of the things he said were
absolutely appalling. -- I think, like most Americans, I was stunned at what
the Reverend was preaching in his church and then putting up on his
website."
That same week saw the headline: "Cheney, Others OK'd Harsh Interrogations."
In a story touted by ABC, it was revealed that a series of meetings
concerning anti-terrorist "tough love" were held in the White House
Situation Room in the years immediately following the Sept. 11 attacks.
Attending the sessions were Cheney, then-Bush aides Attorney General John
Ashcroft, Secretary of State Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and
national security adviser Condoleezza Rice.
Also in attendance, CIA officers who demonstrated proposed interrogation
tactics, making sure everyone in attendance understood the "owie" factor.
Slaps, shoves, water-boarding and other techniques were acted out. They were
all given a big thumb's up. The only person who wasn't crazy about the CIA's
Marcel Marceau as Poe pantomimes was John Ashcroft. "Why are we talking
about this in the White House?" ABC reported him saying. "History will not
judge this kindly."
The "Wossamotta U Prize for Humanitarianism" goes to former White House
shyster John C. Yoo who wrote a couple of nifty memos stating, basically,
that when America tortures...it ain't torture! Screw the Geneva Conventions!
(Supposedly, one or both of the memos have been rescinded by the DOJ.
Nobody's really clear on that.)
"The Washington Post's" primo blogger Dan Froomkin summed up Yoo's
contribution to the Administration best: "Yoo's (just revealed) memo is a
historic document. It is the ultimate expression of Cheney's belief that
anything the president or his designates do -- no matter how illegal,
barbaric or un-American -- is justifiable in the name of national
self-defense."
Yoo now is teaching at the University of California-Berkeley School of Law.
A lot of folks would like to see him fired. The University's dean,
Christopher Edley, Jr., says he can't. In terms of torture, Yoo was only the
adviser. "President Bush and his national security appointees were the
deciders."
Nobody has commented on the exact nature of Yoo's classes but, apparently,
his extra credit assignments are to die for.
The "Nothin' Says Lovin' Than Somethin' Stolen From the Oven" prize goes to
America's new June Cleaver, beer baroness Cindy McCain, who posted recipes
stolen from The Food Network on her "Cindy's Recipes" section of the McCain
site. Within a day, the recipe rustling was attributed to low-level unpaid
McCain staffers.
Unfortunately, by that time, John had already worked over the Keebler Elves
pretty badly.
The "They Call Me MISTER Tibbs" accolade is shared by Republican bozos Rep.
Geoff Davis (KY) and would-be NY Rep. David Bellavia. Speaking at a dinner,
Davis likened Barack Obama to a "snake oil salesman" before stating: "That
boy's finger does not need to be on the (nuclear) button." A week earlier,
Bellavia introduced John McCain at a rally, declaring: "You can have your
Tiger Woods! We've got Senator McCain!"
Both are rumored to be negotiating with ABC for the coveted debate
moderators' slot.
The "Best Unintentional Summation of American Politics" award goes to this
wire service headline: "Baby With Two Faces Born In India."
I predict a long and successful career for that baby as either a politician
or a spin-doctor, should the kid move stateside.
But pay no attention to what I think.
I guess I'm just bitter.
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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson