C
ChasNemo
Guest
Republican Jokes
Remember, republicans say you shouldn't get upset over jokes about
minorities & ethnics. Lighten up, they say. You don't want to be
Politically Correct like the Liberals. But what if the joke's on you?
How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.
Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."
Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.
How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.
What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.
What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade
How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night
Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.
Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.
Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!
What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.
What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel
What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring
What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor
What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted
What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.
What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.
Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.
Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.
How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to
take the dark away.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money
holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone
else wastes money. Then he'll have a special investigator spend
another $40 million on it.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their
national convention?
10,001. 1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to
complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.
What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a
dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.
What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when
contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth
controll?
Their personalities.
How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.
What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist
didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in
concrete?
Not enough concrete.
What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.
What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.
What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st
time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.
Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.
What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.
What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes
What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade
What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat
him.
What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.
Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.
How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.
What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.
How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.
A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers
so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no. He walks up to
the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're
$1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the republican. "I wondered how you kept them on."
A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, &
pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver
got mad & turned his radio off. 1 mile down the road he saw another
republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing. The republican
stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like
you who give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there &
give you what's coming to you."
republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's
bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the
fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all.
You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.
For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the
innkeeper's daughter. The next time he arrived, he was looking
forward to an exciting few days. He dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap.
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten
married, & the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said. "When my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be
better to have a ******* in the family than a republican."
Biggest joke of the year: republican fairness
Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so
much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.
If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.
Be kind. Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.
Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter
together. Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill
out of the helicopter. Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops
five dollar bills out of the helicopter. Al Gore decides to do
something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush &
Limbaugh out of the helicopter.
2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coathanger. The first one said, "I can't seem to get
this door unlocked." The second one replied, "Well, you'd better
hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"
A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it. The genie said,
"I'll grant you 1 wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter." So the
genie made him a Democrat.
A boy was selling puppies in front of his house, when he sees
Bob Dole walking by. "Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy a puppy?"
he asked.
Dole replied, "Bob Dole doesn't need no dog."
The boy quickly added, "Sir, they're republican puppies."
"Hmmm," replied Dole. "Tell you what, Bob Dole has to give a
speech at the city hall in fifteen minutes. Maybe some other time."
Two days late, Dole headed happened to pass by the boy, still
selling puppies. But now, he was trying to sell one to Bill Clinton.
"Would you like a puppy?" the boy asked. "They're Democrats."
"Now wait just a minute," Dole said. "Just 2 days ago, you
told Bob Dole they were republicans."
"Well," the boy answered, "now they have their eyes open."
There was a town in Texas which was notorious for its pidgeon
problems. The birds were carrying several diseases, & made a mess out
of everything. Desperate, the town hired a pidgeon exterminator. He
arrived, & explained that it would cost $100 to kill the pidgeons,
plus $10 for any questions asked. The town agreed.
The exterminator releases a pink pidgeon, which flew into the
air. Slowly, one by one, the town's pidgeons began to fly after it,
mimicking its every move. Finally, when all the pidgeons were
following its lead, the exterminator snapped his fingers, & the pink
pidgeon flew into the side of a building, killing itself. The other
pidgeons followed, & in seconds, all the pidgeons were dead.
The town was impressed, & gave him a check for $110. The
exterminator looked at the check & said, "I suppose you have one
question."
"Yes," the mayor replied. "Do you have any pink republicans?"
A republican died & a friend went around collecting for a fund for his
funeral. A woman was asked to donate $10. She said, "It only takes
$10 to bury a republican? Here's $100, go bury 10 of them!"
Did you hear about the planeload of republican politicians en route to
a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco & pollution lobbies? The
good news--it crashed. The bad news--there were 3 empty seats.
The pope & a republican were both killed in an automobile
accident. The 2 were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the republican his name & looked it up in the Book.
He then asked the pope for his name, & then looked it up in the Book
too.
"Now if you'll come with me, I'll show you your eternal
dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds & came to a
huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to
the republican & told him that this was to be his house. The pope,
knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what
his house would be like.
St. Peter & the pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden
shack. St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.
The pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That
other guy was a republican & he gets a mansion. I was the head of the
Roman Catholic Church & this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the pope & said, "True, you've done great
things. But we have lots of popes in Heaven, & that guy was the 1st
republican ever to make it up here."
A republican's response to the comment "Think about it!": "I don't
have to think--I'm republican!"
A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, & a genie came out that offered
him 1 wish. He said he was terrified of flying as well as boats but
always wanted to go to Hawaii. The genie said that it was impossible
because of the ocean depth & the length, & asked for an alternate
wish. So the guy said he'd like all republicans to become honest &
kind. The genie considered for a moment & said, "So, would 2 lanes be
enough, or do you want 4?"
A local United Way office realised that it had never received a
donation from the town's richest man & leading republican. The
contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000,
you give not a penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness,
& had medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to
a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,
leaving her peniless with 3 kids?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."
On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"
Remember, republicans say you shouldn't get upset over jokes about
minorities & ethnics. Lighten up, they say. You don't want to be
Politically Correct like the Liberals. But what if the joke's on you?
How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.
Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."
Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.
How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.
What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.
What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade
How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night
Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.
Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.
Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!
What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.
What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel
What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring
What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor
What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted
What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.
What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.
Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.
Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.
How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to
take the dark away.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money
holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone
else wastes money. Then he'll have a special investigator spend
another $40 million on it.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their
national convention?
10,001. 1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to
complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.
What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a
dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.
What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when
contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth
controll?
Their personalities.
How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.
What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist
didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in
concrete?
Not enough concrete.
What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.
What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.
What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st
time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.
Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.
What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.
What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes
What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade
What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat
him.
What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.
Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.
How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.
What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.
How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.
A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers
so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no. He walks up to
the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're
$1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the republican. "I wondered how you kept them on."
A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, &
pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver
got mad & turned his radio off. 1 mile down the road he saw another
republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing. The republican
stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like
you who give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there &
give you what's coming to you."
republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's
bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the
fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all.
You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.
For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the
innkeeper's daughter. The next time he arrived, he was looking
forward to an exciting few days. He dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap.
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten
married, & the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said. "When my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be
better to have a ******* in the family than a republican."
Biggest joke of the year: republican fairness
Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so
much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.
If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.
Be kind. Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.
Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter
together. Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill
out of the helicopter. Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops
five dollar bills out of the helicopter. Al Gore decides to do
something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush &
Limbaugh out of the helicopter.
2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coathanger. The first one said, "I can't seem to get
this door unlocked." The second one replied, "Well, you'd better
hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"
A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it. The genie said,
"I'll grant you 1 wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter." So the
genie made him a Democrat.
A boy was selling puppies in front of his house, when he sees
Bob Dole walking by. "Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy a puppy?"
he asked.
Dole replied, "Bob Dole doesn't need no dog."
The boy quickly added, "Sir, they're republican puppies."
"Hmmm," replied Dole. "Tell you what, Bob Dole has to give a
speech at the city hall in fifteen minutes. Maybe some other time."
Two days late, Dole headed happened to pass by the boy, still
selling puppies. But now, he was trying to sell one to Bill Clinton.
"Would you like a puppy?" the boy asked. "They're Democrats."
"Now wait just a minute," Dole said. "Just 2 days ago, you
told Bob Dole they were republicans."
"Well," the boy answered, "now they have their eyes open."
There was a town in Texas which was notorious for its pidgeon
problems. The birds were carrying several diseases, & made a mess out
of everything. Desperate, the town hired a pidgeon exterminator. He
arrived, & explained that it would cost $100 to kill the pidgeons,
plus $10 for any questions asked. The town agreed.
The exterminator releases a pink pidgeon, which flew into the
air. Slowly, one by one, the town's pidgeons began to fly after it,
mimicking its every move. Finally, when all the pidgeons were
following its lead, the exterminator snapped his fingers, & the pink
pidgeon flew into the side of a building, killing itself. The other
pidgeons followed, & in seconds, all the pidgeons were dead.
The town was impressed, & gave him a check for $110. The
exterminator looked at the check & said, "I suppose you have one
question."
"Yes," the mayor replied. "Do you have any pink republicans?"
A republican died & a friend went around collecting for a fund for his
funeral. A woman was asked to donate $10. She said, "It only takes
$10 to bury a republican? Here's $100, go bury 10 of them!"
Did you hear about the planeload of republican politicians en route to
a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco & pollution lobbies? The
good news--it crashed. The bad news--there were 3 empty seats.
The pope & a republican were both killed in an automobile
accident. The 2 were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the republican his name & looked it up in the Book.
He then asked the pope for his name, & then looked it up in the Book
too.
"Now if you'll come with me, I'll show you your eternal
dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds & came to a
huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to
the republican & told him that this was to be his house. The pope,
knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what
his house would be like.
St. Peter & the pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden
shack. St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.
The pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That
other guy was a republican & he gets a mansion. I was the head of the
Roman Catholic Church & this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the pope & said, "True, you've done great
things. But we have lots of popes in Heaven, & that guy was the 1st
republican ever to make it up here."
A republican's response to the comment "Think about it!": "I don't
have to think--I'm republican!"
A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, & a genie came out that offered
him 1 wish. He said he was terrified of flying as well as boats but
always wanted to go to Hawaii. The genie said that it was impossible
because of the ocean depth & the length, & asked for an alternate
wish. So the guy said he'd like all republicans to become honest &
kind. The genie considered for a moment & said, "So, would 2 lanes be
enough, or do you want 4?"
A local United Way office realised that it had never received a
donation from the town's richest man & leading republican. The
contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000,
you give not a penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness,
& had medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to
a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,
leaving her peniless with 3 kids?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."
On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"