ImWithStupid
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FILM PROJECTOR
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ROLL TITLES
SCROLL
march music
The story you are about to see is true. Or, at least, could be true. At this very moment dangerous subversive extremist elements are infiltrating our communities and schools, bent on destroying our American Way of Life. These are the shadowy forces of International Constitutionalism. Agents from the Department of Homeland Security are on the trail of these nefarious Red State saboteurs, but it will take a vigilant public - including ordinary high school students like you - to help bring them to justice before it?s too late. Only with your help can we preserve the American Way!
? Janet A. Napolitano
NARRATOR
This is Pinewood Lane, in Anytown, USA. A street probably a lot like yours. Happy citizens enjoying the bounty of living in this great land of ours. At 1102 we find the Baxters ? Mom and Pop, teen twins Bobby and Debbie, little Susie and Grandpa. A typical family who knows what it means to be an American. Why, here comes Gus the Mailman! I wonder what he?s got in his mailbag for the Baxters?
How about that ? it?s a mortgage bailout for Pop, an NEA grant for Mom?s transgressive performance art collective, and guaranteed student loan applications for the twins. They?re off to State U next fall to study Lacanian Semiotics, you know. And for Gramps, a letter from Medicare ? they?ve finally approved that gender reassignment surgery he?s always wanted.
Yes sir, that?s a mighty fine benefits package the Baxters harvested today, all courtesy of the United States of America in Washington DC. Hey, wait Gus! Before you head off to your next stop, Pop has something for you, too. It?s his annual tax contribution ready for delivery. Patriotic Pop is mailing it early this year because he knows the wise folks in Washington will put that money to work for all of us through the collective magic of economic stimulus. No wonder Pop sealed it with a kiss!
That?s the beauty of our American Free Prize System - regular folks bundling our money together for our leaders, who return it a thousandfold in free prizes for all. How does it work? All we really need to know is that it?s the best system in the world. A lot of us take it for granted - but there are some who want to take it away.
hoodlum peers behind a tree at the Baxters; sneers, combs greasy mop with a switchblade comb
HORNS
bomp bomp BAAAAAAAAH!
fade out
NARRATOR
It?s first period American History at Anytown Chomsky High. Hey, it looks like there?s a new face in class ? could it be the mysterious young stranger from Pinewood Lane?
MS. ANDERSON
All right, students, calm down. We have a new boy joining in class. John? John Smith, stand up and say hello to your new classmates.
JOHNNY
Hey Toots, I go by ?Johnny,? see?
class laughs, Bobby and Debbie Baxter exchange concerned looks
MS. ANDERSON
That will be quite enough, students! And I suggest you watch that sassy mouth of yours, Mr. Smith. Now everyone open your textbook to page 23, ?Iraq: America?s Imperialist Hegemony Chickens Come Home to Roost.?
NARRATOR
Bobby and Debbie notice that there?s something just quite not right about Johnny. The air of contempt. The pasty complexion. The way he slouches and fidgets in his desk when when the teacher explains America?s legacy of genocidal racism.
MS. ANDERSON
Now who can tell me how capitalist phallocracy gave rise to Military-Industrial Complex? Mr. Smith?
Johnny snaps his fingers rhythmically, unaware he is being called on
Mr. Smith? is that a transistor radio earphone?
JOHNNY
Oh yeah? hey, teach, like, it?s cool, I?m listening to NPR. Terri Gross is talking about gay marriage chapels in Vermont.
Ms. Anderson walks over and grabs the radio out of his motorcycle jacket
MS. ANDERSON
Just as I thought? AM talk radio! Young man, report to re-education hall this minute for fairness cleansing!
Johnny swaggers out of the class, combing his hair; Bobby and Debbie Baxter exchange concerned looks; fade out
NARRATOR
During lunchtime in the school cafeteria, Bobby and Debbie see the new student Johnny sitting alone. They want to be friendly, and have been trained to be on the alert for potential Columbine-style loners and outcasts. So they decide to strike up a conversation with him ? but they?re in for a big surprise.
BOBBY
Mind if we sit down?
JOHNNY
Go ahead, it?s a free country.
BOBBY
Haha, good one! You?re quite the cut-up, Johnny. By the way, I?m Bobby Baxter. I?m a senior and president of the Future Tax Collectors of America.
JOHNNY
Reet poteet, Daddy-o. Hubba hubba, who?s the tomato?
Johnny ogles Debbie hungrily
DEBBIE
I?m Debbie Baxter, Bobby?s twin sister. I?m varsity captain of the Eco Spirit-ettes. Go Polar Bears! Where did you say you came from, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Tex? heh, I mean, San Francisco. Yeah, that?s it - San Francisco.
BOBBY
Look, Johnny? we saw what happened in History this morning. Maybe you got off to a rough start, but you?ve still got a chance to fit in. Why don?t you join one of the after-school clubs? There?s the Diversity Club, the Peace-a-longs, The Diversitarians, Feces Art Society, The Multidiversies?
DEBBIE
?don?t forget the Multiculturalettes!
BOBBY
And how, sis! What do you say, Johnny? It?ll be swell! And all our clubs have full federal funding. If you wash that greasy kid stuff out of your hair, I think you might even be FTCA material!
JOHNNY
No dice, Daddy-o! Taxes are for squares.
Bobby and Debbie look at each other quizzically
DEBBIE AND BOBBY
?Squares??
JOHNNY
Yeah - L-7s. Cubes. Melvins. Nosebleeds.
DEBBIE
Bobby? I think he means he doesn?t like them!
BOBBY
Johnny! Keep it down! Do you want the Hate Speech monitors to hear you? That kind of language could be interpreted by as illegally offensive! They could send you off to Juvie for that!
JOHNNY
Ha! There ain?t no such thing as illegal speech.
BOBBY
What!? Says who?
JOHNNY
Sez dis.
Johnny whips out a laminated card from his dungaree pocket, close up of the Constitution
HORNS
bomp bomp BAAAAAAAAH!
NARRATOR
And so it begins. What Debbie and Bobby don?t know is that ?John Smith? is actually Johnny ?Snake? Republico, secret agitator for the forces of International Constitutionalism ? the insidious extreme rightwing ideology that seeks to bring America to its knees by enslaving our helpless unsuspecting government, and stop it from giving you all the things that you want. It spreads like a cancer, slowly driving victims into violent, racist, anti-tax madness. It takes a strong will to resist the Consties? hypnotic sales pitch ? are Debbie and Bobby up to it?
DEBBIE
?In Congrefs?? what is this thing?
JOHNNY
Get hip to the glissando, kitten! Feast you baby blues on the Constitutionalist Manifesto. Dig this? I got the right to say what I want, pray how I want, assemble with anybody I want, nice and peaceable-like. It?s all right there in Amendment numero uno!
BOBBY
Whoa, hold on there. Ms. Anderson says that kinda stuff is only for the Guantanamo prisoners!
JOHNNY
Just read it, Daddy-o. It?ll flip your lid and make you blast off to crazyville!
fade out; fade into split screen of Bobby and Debbie in their respective beds, reading the Constitutionalist Manifesto with flashlights
Continued on next reel...
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ROLL TITLES
?It Could Happen Here!?
A PRESENTATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
JANET NAPOLITANO, DIRECTOR
IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
AND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
AND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE
SCROLL
march music
The story you are about to see is true. Or, at least, could be true. At this very moment dangerous subversive extremist elements are infiltrating our communities and schools, bent on destroying our American Way of Life. These are the shadowy forces of International Constitutionalism. Agents from the Department of Homeland Security are on the trail of these nefarious Red State saboteurs, but it will take a vigilant public - including ordinary high school students like you - to help bring them to justice before it?s too late. Only with your help can we preserve the American Way!
? Janet A. Napolitano
NARRATOR
This is Pinewood Lane, in Anytown, USA. A street probably a lot like yours. Happy citizens enjoying the bounty of living in this great land of ours. At 1102 we find the Baxters ? Mom and Pop, teen twins Bobby and Debbie, little Susie and Grandpa. A typical family who knows what it means to be an American. Why, here comes Gus the Mailman! I wonder what he?s got in his mailbag for the Baxters?
How about that ? it?s a mortgage bailout for Pop, an NEA grant for Mom?s transgressive performance art collective, and guaranteed student loan applications for the twins. They?re off to State U next fall to study Lacanian Semiotics, you know. And for Gramps, a letter from Medicare ? they?ve finally approved that gender reassignment surgery he?s always wanted.
Yes sir, that?s a mighty fine benefits package the Baxters harvested today, all courtesy of the United States of America in Washington DC. Hey, wait Gus! Before you head off to your next stop, Pop has something for you, too. It?s his annual tax contribution ready for delivery. Patriotic Pop is mailing it early this year because he knows the wise folks in Washington will put that money to work for all of us through the collective magic of economic stimulus. No wonder Pop sealed it with a kiss!
That?s the beauty of our American Free Prize System - regular folks bundling our money together for our leaders, who return it a thousandfold in free prizes for all. How does it work? All we really need to know is that it?s the best system in the world. A lot of us take it for granted - but there are some who want to take it away.
hoodlum peers behind a tree at the Baxters; sneers, combs greasy mop with a switchblade comb
HORNS
bomp bomp BAAAAAAAAH!
fade out
NARRATOR
It?s first period American History at Anytown Chomsky High. Hey, it looks like there?s a new face in class ? could it be the mysterious young stranger from Pinewood Lane?
MS. ANDERSON
All right, students, calm down. We have a new boy joining in class. John? John Smith, stand up and say hello to your new classmates.
JOHNNY
Hey Toots, I go by ?Johnny,? see?
class laughs, Bobby and Debbie Baxter exchange concerned looks
MS. ANDERSON
That will be quite enough, students! And I suggest you watch that sassy mouth of yours, Mr. Smith. Now everyone open your textbook to page 23, ?Iraq: America?s Imperialist Hegemony Chickens Come Home to Roost.?
NARRATOR
Bobby and Debbie notice that there?s something just quite not right about Johnny. The air of contempt. The pasty complexion. The way he slouches and fidgets in his desk when when the teacher explains America?s legacy of genocidal racism.
MS. ANDERSON
Now who can tell me how capitalist phallocracy gave rise to Military-Industrial Complex? Mr. Smith?
Johnny snaps his fingers rhythmically, unaware he is being called on
Mr. Smith? is that a transistor radio earphone?
JOHNNY
Oh yeah? hey, teach, like, it?s cool, I?m listening to NPR. Terri Gross is talking about gay marriage chapels in Vermont.
Ms. Anderson walks over and grabs the radio out of his motorcycle jacket
MS. ANDERSON
Just as I thought? AM talk radio! Young man, report to re-education hall this minute for fairness cleansing!
Johnny swaggers out of the class, combing his hair; Bobby and Debbie Baxter exchange concerned looks; fade out
NARRATOR
During lunchtime in the school cafeteria, Bobby and Debbie see the new student Johnny sitting alone. They want to be friendly, and have been trained to be on the alert for potential Columbine-style loners and outcasts. So they decide to strike up a conversation with him ? but they?re in for a big surprise.
BOBBY
Mind if we sit down?
JOHNNY
Go ahead, it?s a free country.
BOBBY
Haha, good one! You?re quite the cut-up, Johnny. By the way, I?m Bobby Baxter. I?m a senior and president of the Future Tax Collectors of America.
JOHNNY
Reet poteet, Daddy-o. Hubba hubba, who?s the tomato?
Johnny ogles Debbie hungrily
DEBBIE
I?m Debbie Baxter, Bobby?s twin sister. I?m varsity captain of the Eco Spirit-ettes. Go Polar Bears! Where did you say you came from, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Tex? heh, I mean, San Francisco. Yeah, that?s it - San Francisco.
BOBBY
Look, Johnny? we saw what happened in History this morning. Maybe you got off to a rough start, but you?ve still got a chance to fit in. Why don?t you join one of the after-school clubs? There?s the Diversity Club, the Peace-a-longs, The Diversitarians, Feces Art Society, The Multidiversies?
DEBBIE
?don?t forget the Multiculturalettes!
BOBBY
And how, sis! What do you say, Johnny? It?ll be swell! And all our clubs have full federal funding. If you wash that greasy kid stuff out of your hair, I think you might even be FTCA material!
JOHNNY
No dice, Daddy-o! Taxes are for squares.
Bobby and Debbie look at each other quizzically
DEBBIE AND BOBBY
?Squares??
JOHNNY
Yeah - L-7s. Cubes. Melvins. Nosebleeds.
DEBBIE
Bobby? I think he means he doesn?t like them!
BOBBY
Johnny! Keep it down! Do you want the Hate Speech monitors to hear you? That kind of language could be interpreted by as illegally offensive! They could send you off to Juvie for that!
JOHNNY
Ha! There ain?t no such thing as illegal speech.
BOBBY
What!? Says who?
JOHNNY
Sez dis.
Johnny whips out a laminated card from his dungaree pocket, close up of the Constitution
HORNS
bomp bomp BAAAAAAAAH!
NARRATOR
And so it begins. What Debbie and Bobby don?t know is that ?John Smith? is actually Johnny ?Snake? Republico, secret agitator for the forces of International Constitutionalism ? the insidious extreme rightwing ideology that seeks to bring America to its knees by enslaving our helpless unsuspecting government, and stop it from giving you all the things that you want. It spreads like a cancer, slowly driving victims into violent, racist, anti-tax madness. It takes a strong will to resist the Consties? hypnotic sales pitch ? are Debbie and Bobby up to it?
DEBBIE
?In Congrefs?? what is this thing?
JOHNNY
Get hip to the glissando, kitten! Feast you baby blues on the Constitutionalist Manifesto. Dig this? I got the right to say what I want, pray how I want, assemble with anybody I want, nice and peaceable-like. It?s all right there in Amendment numero uno!
BOBBY
Whoa, hold on there. Ms. Anderson says that kinda stuff is only for the Guantanamo prisoners!
JOHNNY
Just read it, Daddy-o. It?ll flip your lid and make you blast off to crazyville!
fade out; fade into split screen of Bobby and Debbie in their respective beds, reading the Constitutionalist Manifesto with flashlights
Continued on next reel...