UN Unveils Guidelines For Proportional War Between Israel and Hamas
Faced with undeniable inequities between Hamas and Israel in their current conflict, the United Nations today unveiled new protocols for proportionate war between the bitter enemies.
“Anyone who is intellectually honest can see that this is not a fair fight,” said UN spokesman Torsten Nordica. “Israel is a well-armed nation state with a track record of unprompted belligerence and a terrifying arsenal of civilian-slaughtering weaponry. Hamas is an inspired group of plucky little freedom fighters desperately trying to eke out a living under the yoke of Zionist tyranny. So, as an impartial international organization, the UN is committed to the maintenance of a level playing field. We call it the ‘International Fairness Doctrine.’”
.
The IFD allows for the following proportional responses:
1-50 Israeli casualties: Israel may turn off the water in Gaza for up to 10 minutes, or issue a sternly worded reprimand. (Sternness to be judged by a UN-approved committee of unbiased observers from various Middle Eastern countries.)
51-100 Israeli casualties: Israel can blockade hummus shipments into Gaza for one whole day, or issue a written rebuke to Hamas that may contain one vague reference to some type of military action.
101-500 Israeli casualties: Israel may scramble PBS for a period not to exceed two days, but must provide alternative programming from CNN. However, the flow of hummus must not be interrupted.
501-1,000 Israeli casualties: Israel may formally censure Hamas, limiting themselves to one use of the phrase “terrorist-like,” or they may protest the ensuing Hamas celebrations by declaring a “National Day Of Zionist Disappointment.”
Israeli deaths caused by suicide bombings are not cause for retaliation of any sort.
Israel has railed hard against the doctrine, calling it “an unmitigated disgrace” and “tantamount to legalized murder of Jews.” Israeli officials were particularly galled by what they termed the “utter disproportionality” of the approved retaliation, particularly in the case of suicide bombings.
Torsten tried to explain the UN’s thinking behind the suicide bombing rule.
“First of all, I don’t think ‘disproportionality’ is a real word. Second, the person who self-detonated has already paid the ultimate price. He…or she of course–don’t want to be sexist here–is dead. Blown to smithereens. What do the Israelis want? To reanimate that person so that they can be re-killed? I mean, how blood-thirsty can you get?”
