Unfinished lyrics...

[LPNailz]

As the name suggests...unfinished lyric. Like it so far, any ideas as to how it could be continued? I'd especially appreciate comments from Nefieslab and Firehawk (cuz I know you're both great), but really, ANYONE comment.

Wake up, wake up, wake up right now

Wake up and see what’s going down

We’ve got a not-king who’s fighting for a crown

And all the people don’t make a sound

Behind our backs, our hands are bound.

It’s not that tight,

So cut me loose and

Let’s fight.

- - -

What?

So tell me, are we alive?

Do you mind?

If we look, we’re sure to find

An army waiting

On their general.

Will we be the fighters?

Will we be the only brave ones?

Light the fires;

We’re going on.

- - -

 

[FireHawk]

I love the flow but is it slow, fast, rapped, medium tempo...once you tell me I will give you a better comment

 

[LPNailz]

Definitely fast. Maybe sort of rapped. I'm not really sure, that's probably why I can't finish it.

 

[FireHawk]

If fast (almost rapped) I would change to:

Wake up, wake up, wake up right now

Wake up and see what’s going down

We’ve got a nobody* who’s fighting for a crown

And all of the people don’t make a sound

Behind our backs, our hands are bound.

It’s not that tight,

So cut me loose and

Let’s fight.

- - -

What?

So tell me, are we alive?

Do you mind?

If we look, we’re sure to find

An army waiting

On their general.

Will we be the fighters?

Will we be the only brave ones?

Light the fires;

We’re going on.

- - -

___

* This world could also be peasant

The bold words are suggestions for change

The underlined words phrases that I think could be better

Keep up the work and finish it then go back and revise I will keep checking back

 

[LPNailz]

Thanks

- -

Wake up, wake up, wake up right now

Wake up and see what's going down

We've got a peasant grasping for a crown

A flock of people who don't make a sound

And behind our backs, our hands are bound

It's not that tight

So cut me loose and

Help me fight

-

What?

So tell me, are we alive?

Do you mind?

If we look, we're sure to find

The army waiting below the surface

Waiting for us to show their purpose

They're not all mindless

And we're not all dead

Raise your torches

And we'll march ahead

- -

What do you think? The second half of the chorus is completely different, but I think it's a better sort of different.

 

[FireHawk]

That is a huge improvement! I forgot to say in my last post that then end of your chorus was kinda weak.

 

[LPNailz]

Well, you didn't like the last line, and I figured it'd be easier to change a lot than change a little and keep it good. I like the 'peasant' 'king' 'crown' medieval thing I ended up doing...I didn't realize that 'til I re-wrote some. That might help me with the second verse.

 

[LPNailz]

Second verse and slightly modified chorus. I'm not sure if it's done, or if I'm going to write a third verse. And I need to come up with a name...just thinking aloud.

-

Get up, get up, get up right now

Get up and see, we’re not backing down

On our side is the whole damned town

And **** yeah we’re gonna start making some sound

To shut us up, we’ll have to be drowned

And you can’t set our own brothers and sisters on us

- -

Well?

So tell me, are we alive?

Do you mind?

If we look, you know we’ll find

Our army waiting below the surface

Waiting for us to show their purpose

They’re not all mindless

And we’re not all dead

For freedom, raise you torches,

And we’ll march ahead

 

[nefieslab]

Hey Nailz

Hey FireHawk (don't know you but hey, it's all good)

Sorry I didn't notice this earlier but I've been away. On the spot.

Ahead of our time,


in style and rhyme,


we won't back down,


go back to town,


we will fight,


oh yes we will,


we will fight,


we will until,


there is nothing left,


of you self absorbed little *******,


wonder what's all the ruckus?


Here it comes,


get ready to find out!

Sorry if it's a bit too heavy to be a rap at parts. It's kinda like a Slipknot verse from their first album (think Spit it Out).

 

[LPNailz]

Thanks, Nef

I think it is a little too rapped, though. It did give me a few ideas, though.

 

[nefieslab]

well then that's good enough for me Nailz

just here to inspire and to be inspired in return