T
Tim Bruening
Guest
I saw a recent posting with about 10 of these signs. They are great, but
I found this in my goodies-box: a much longer list. Where I work they
keep sending me this stuff by internal e-mail.
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:
"Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything
petrol is!"
Sign in an Arabian supermarket (Panda):
"Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week" - and:
"Closed for daily prayers: 05:16-05:26, 07:05-07-15, 11:55-12:26,
17:21-17:32 & 1940-19:50"
Sign at a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, then
please give it to the guard on duty."
Sign in an Egyption hotel:
"We have pharos at the bottom of our garden."
Sign in a Tokyo hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
such thing is please not to read notis."
Sign in a hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose of ascension."
Sign in a hotel lobby in Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
Sign in a hotel elevator in Paris:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Yugoslavia:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid."
Sign in a hotel in Japan:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
Sign in a hotel catering to skiers in Austria:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots
of ascension."
Taken from a menu in Poland:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the
country people's fashion."
In a supermarket in Hong Kong:
"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
>From the "Soviet Weekly":
"There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In an East African newspaper:
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a hotel in Vienna:
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
A sign posted in Germany's black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for this purpose."
Sign in a hotel in Zurich:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose."
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
A laundry in Rome:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
time."
A tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no
miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
In the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"Special today - no ice-cream."
In an airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 a.m. Daily."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation."
On a Greek menu:
"Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels."
One of the mathare buildings:
"Mental health prevention centre."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
"To stop the drip, turn **** to right."
****tail lounge, Norway:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Sign on a ferry in San Juan harbor:
"In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat in the center
of the vessel."
In a jeweller's window in India:
"we shoot earholes."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:
"crap - .79/lb."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
Sign on a Pakistani grocery-store in Oslo:
"Stengt mellom god jul og godt nytt aar."
(Closed between Merry Christmas and Happy New year)
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner in Japan:
"Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your
room, please control yourself."
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor."
Dry cleaner's in Bangkok:
"Drop your trousers here for the best results."
Sign in a French hotel:
"A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser."
Sign on a French restaurant menu:
"Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up."
Beside a French swimming pool:
"Swimming is forbidden in absence of the savior."
Spanish hotel advertisement:
"The provision of a large french widow in every room adds to the
visitors comfort."
On a Madrid restaurant menu:
"Tarts of the house."
Sign in a Madrid hotel:
"Peoples will left the room at midday of tomorrow in place of not which
will be more money for hole day."
On an Athens restaurant menu:
"Chopped cow with a wire through it. bowels in sauce shish-kebab
tripe"
Sign in Japanese public bath:
"Foreign guests are requested not to pull **** in tub."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in
bed."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special ****tails for the ladies with nuts."
Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
"Please do not bring solicitors into your room."
On a hotel brochure in Italy:
"This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds
from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
In the brochure of an Italian hotel in the dolomites area:
"Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous
revelations. There is a French widow in every room. We can offer you a
commodious chamber, with balcony imminent to a romantic gorge. We hope
you want to
drop in. In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you
pass away.
At a tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no
miscarriages."
On a "family style" restaurant in Hong Kong:
"Come broil yourself at your own table.
On a Chinese menu:
"Mr. Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and entertain you
with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.
I found this in my goodies-box: a much longer list. Where I work they
keep sending me this stuff by internal e-mail.
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:
"Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything
petrol is!"
Sign in an Arabian supermarket (Panda):
"Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week" - and:
"Closed for daily prayers: 05:16-05:26, 07:05-07-15, 11:55-12:26,
17:21-17:32 & 1940-19:50"
Sign at a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, then
please give it to the guard on duty."
Sign in an Egyption hotel:
"We have pharos at the bottom of our garden."
Sign in a Tokyo hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
such thing is please not to read notis."
Sign in a hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose of ascension."
Sign in a hotel lobby in Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
Sign in a hotel elevator in Paris:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Yugoslavia:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid."
Sign in a hotel in Japan:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
Sign in a hotel catering to skiers in Austria:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots
of ascension."
Taken from a menu in Poland:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the
country people's fashion."
In a supermarket in Hong Kong:
"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
>From the "Soviet Weekly":
"There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In an East African newspaper:
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a hotel in Vienna:
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
A sign posted in Germany's black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for this purpose."
Sign in a hotel in Zurich:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose."
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
A laundry in Rome:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
time."
A tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no
miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
In the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"Special today - no ice-cream."
In an airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 a.m. Daily."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation."
On a Greek menu:
"Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels."
One of the mathare buildings:
"Mental health prevention centre."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
"To stop the drip, turn **** to right."
****tail lounge, Norway:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Sign on a ferry in San Juan harbor:
"In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat in the center
of the vessel."
In a jeweller's window in India:
"we shoot earholes."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:
"crap - .79/lb."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
Sign on a Pakistani grocery-store in Oslo:
"Stengt mellom god jul og godt nytt aar."
(Closed between Merry Christmas and Happy New year)
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner in Japan:
"Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your
room, please control yourself."
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor."
Dry cleaner's in Bangkok:
"Drop your trousers here for the best results."
Sign in a French hotel:
"A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser."
Sign on a French restaurant menu:
"Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up."
Beside a French swimming pool:
"Swimming is forbidden in absence of the savior."
Spanish hotel advertisement:
"The provision of a large french widow in every room adds to the
visitors comfort."
On a Madrid restaurant menu:
"Tarts of the house."
Sign in a Madrid hotel:
"Peoples will left the room at midday of tomorrow in place of not which
will be more money for hole day."
On an Athens restaurant menu:
"Chopped cow with a wire through it. bowels in sauce shish-kebab
tripe"
Sign in Japanese public bath:
"Foreign guests are requested not to pull **** in tub."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in
bed."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special ****tails for the ladies with nuts."
Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
"Please do not bring solicitors into your room."
On a hotel brochure in Italy:
"This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds
from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
In the brochure of an Italian hotel in the dolomites area:
"Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous
revelations. There is a French widow in every room. We can offer you a
commodious chamber, with balcony imminent to a romantic gorge. We hope
you want to
drop in. In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you
pass away.
At a tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no
miscarriages."
On a "family style" restaurant in Hong Kong:
"Come broil yourself at your own table.
On a Chinese menu:
"Mr. Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and entertain you
with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.