What's the best way to tell a 7 year old her hamster died?

[phreakwars]

Yeah, what a topic, huh?

 

So this all started last night. My daughter has (had) 4 hamsters... Oh wait... I need to back up a bit..

 

It all started when my brother Adrian gave her 2 hamsters from his litter.

 

We soon learned after that we had a male and a female.. and well... mother nature... birds and bees... yadda yadda.... we then had 6 hamsters.

 

I decided right there that this was going to be the ONLY litter the female was gonna have.

 

So I separated the 2 boys and 4 girls to different tanks.

 

The boys were in a plastic hamster tank and the cat knocked it over and made it come apart, and well, there went hamster #1 "Icky", right down my country raised mousing cats tummy.

 

My daughter cried a bit over this one, but not too bad.

 

The next fatality happened when our dog was in the house, she had the other male out on the carpet and the dog decided he wanted to play with it.

 

I explained to her that the dog didn't mean to kill (Ironically named) "Icky Jr." and that he didn't know that he could hurt the hamster by playing with him.

 

She cried a bit over that one too, but not too bad... Lucky for me the main ones she payed attention to were the ones in the other tank.. the 4 girls.

 

So getting back to last night, I get a call on the cell from my wife, she says my daughter wanted to talk to me, so I get her on the phone and she's babbling on about "BIRDO" getting trapped under the hamster wheel and that she couldn't move her back legs and she wanted me to take her to the vet.

 

So I'm thinking "AHH GREAT " So I get home and go up to her room where she has Birdo, she had her in a separate tank from the others and I could tell by it's heavy breathing it was probably in pain and would soon die... not wanting to think the worst and being optimistic about the situation, I tell her that we'll just let birdo rest and that she is hurting right now and all we can do is hope she gets better.

 

So this morning when the kids are up getting ready for school, we check on Birdo and the situation was the same... laying still, breathing heavy.

 

So off to school the kids go... a couple hours later I'm getting ready for work and think to myself.. "Damn, I better do something about the hamster while she is at school, I didn't wanna chance it dying while I was at work because of how I knew my daughters reaction would be (daddy's girl, needs her daddy when sad)... so I started to plot and scheme... hmm, how am I gonna finish off the hamster to put it out of it's misery....

 

My first idea was the pellet rifle.. simple, effective, quick... Looked all over, couldn't find my box of pellets..damn... so next I thought of putting her under my car tire and squishing the sh1t out of it....nah... that's too messy...yuck... So then... it came to me.... I'll drown her.... yeah, that was it, I would just get out a jar, fill it with water, put her in and let her die... I would then dry her off and of course, commence in the duty of breaking the bad news of the departed one to my kid.

 

So off I go to Birdos tank to give her the dead hamster walk of doom to the miniature Chinese water torture chamber. I look down in the tank... and whoa.... Birdo is dead already... I breathed a bit of a sigh of relief at that point, because I knew I wouldn't have to feel like a complete jerk for killing the hamster myself...

 

So at least that part was over with..

 

The worst was yet to come... I knew Birdo happened to be her favorite hamster.

 

So I go and pick up the kids from school and first thing she asks me "Daddy, how is birdo" as she is opening the car door. Not wanting to tell her right then and there with all her classmates around, I pretended not to hear her. My son was getting in the car at that point too, so I dodged the question by telling him to make sure he had his seat belt on right... She then repeated her question as she was settling in, and I diverted the topic to her seat belt situation as we pulled out of the school..

 

The drive from my house to the school is a bit over 6 miles, so I figured it's now or never as I came up to the first turn back towards home and she asked again.. So I simply said... Birdo passed away... she says "did she" in a semi excited way... I don't think she understood what "passed away" meant, so I rephrased it and said..... I'm sorry, Birdo died this morning.

 

At that point, the head went down, and out came the tears, and the snot and all that good "stuff" that comes with that emotion...This goes on for a couple of miles followed by some consoling, and an offer to make a stop at the convenience store for some candy... she agreed, sobbed the entire time she was in the store while choosing her candy.... And there I am talking to the girl at the counter explaining why she is bawling her eyes out and discussing a bit of "HAMPSTER MEMORIES" we had ourselves as kids...

 

So anyways, the crying commences all the way home. At that point one sickening thought came over me....

 

I'm gonna have to go through this crap 3 more times.... she still has 3 hamsters left....

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[wez]

Bummer.. little buggers don't have to great a life span either. Couple years at best. Perhaps a nice pet rock instead.

 

 

Sucks to lose a pet. I've lost 4 cats in my life and it hurts every time. I had one from 3 to 21.. cried like a schoolgirl...

[phreakwars]

Yeah, I must confess, I have a nice soft black fuzzy pussy of my own that I like to pet that I would cry like a little bitch over when she goes.

 

I know that day is inevitable, just hope it isn't sooner then later.

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[ImWithStupid]

I think you handled it just right each time. You didn't lie to her and slowly as she became more, for lack of a better term, comfortable or maybe desensitized to her hamsters dying, you were a bit more straight with her.

 

I am one of those people who think that kids having, disposable pets, like hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs and even fish, helps them cope with death in a healthy way and realize the grieving process is natural, before they (hopefully) have to deal with much death of friends or family.

 

Good job IMO.

[Jhony5]

My first idea was the pellet rifle.. simple, effective, quick... Looked all over, couldn't find my box of pellets..damn... so next I thought of putting her under my car tire and squishing the sh1t out of it....nah... that's too messy...yuck... So then... it came to me.... I'll drown her.... yeah, that was it, I would just get out a jar, fill it with water, put her in and let her die... I would then dry her off and of course, commence in the duty of breaking the bad news of the departed one to my kid.

Jeffery Dahmer's first murder was a hamster.

 

You scare me, Benderphreak.

 

I'm gonna have to go through this crap 3 more times.... she still has 3 hamsters left....

My daughter is 8. She had a hamster die when she was 3 1/2. She still gets upset when the issue comes up.

 

I might have opted for the "He ran away" option. It's good and spares you the wicked backlash and endless questions as a child starts to come to realize their own mortality by way of the death of a pet.

 

I did this with our freshwater miniature lobster that had a knack for escape. SHE LOVED IT. I found it dead behind the toilet while I was evacuating my small intestine. She came home from school and I told her I saw it running across the street and it got away.

 

Makes 'em think their little friend is still alive somewhere. White lies are a parents best friend.

[phreakwars]

Well.. in this instance, I couldn't tell her the hampster ran away... it's hind legs were limp from being crushed under the hampster wheel...

 

To digress, I know there are safety recalls from children's toys, why are there not safety recalls for hampster toys?

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[Guest sheik-yerbouti]

Dont even think of going there. Tell her nothing. Go down to the pet shop and get one the same size and colour, she'll never know at all.

 

So what if it romps around the pet house which Birdo couldn't do. Just say it must have gotten better. An 8 year old will believe just about any semi plausable lie. Go for it.

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Hmm... I think you chose the best option... I think it's better to learn about and possibly understand mortality and how to cope with loss at a younger age... BUT, I would rather lie about it. I don't know if I could take that look kids get when something is gone forever, especially if it was my kid... that doesn't exist yet...

[Jhony5]

Hmm... I think you chose the best option... I think it's better to learn about and possibly understand mortality and how to cope with loss at a younger age... BUT, I would rather lie about it. I don't know if I could take that look kids get when something is gone forever, especially if it was my kid... that doesn't exist yet...

 

My vote was for the white lie. Which is by definition, a lie intended not to deceive but to benefit the listener. Your child will learn nothing of mortality from this experience other then to fear it.

[snafu]

No no no no… That’s what the hamster was for. Children need to learn about death. Suck it up and let her know. I mean a hamster is a whole lot easieer to explain than say the dog, cat or grandma.

[phreakwars]

I just choose not to bull my kids. Santa, doesn't exist, Easter Bunny is the corporate machine taking advantage of the religion industry which is also an enterprise unto itself. And Jesus/Horus is a person who had some advice that made people respect each other and is a person we read about in the stories of the bible, God however, is a different matter. She is taught to understand God as natures way. Jesus wasn't a God, God is not really like the evil person in that storybook and dammit all to hell, most important... LIFE HAPPENS... and here's why.... !!!

 

I think it gives her a respect for the realistic fragile nature of life and what prayer can and can not do.

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[wez]

I just choose not to bull my kids. Santa, doesn't exist, Easter Bunny is the corporate machine taking advantage of the religion industry which is also an enterprise unto itself. And Jesus/Horus is a person who had some advice that made people respect each other and is a person we read about in the stories of the bible, God however, is a different matter. She is taught to understand God as natures way. Jesus wasn't a God, God is not really like the evil person in that storybook and dammit all to hell, most important... LIFE HAPPENS... and here's why.... !!!

 

I think it gives her a respect for the realistic fragile nature of life and what prayer can and can not do.

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Sound logic, I must say. Jesus was a lot of things.. Psychologist, truth teller, rebel, philosopher, genius still ahead of our time, murder victim, but God, He was not. He talked about life, not life after death.

 

I think you did the right thing by telling her the truth.

[Jhony5]

No no no no? That?s what the hamster was for. Children need to learn about death. Suck it up and let her know. I mean a hamster is a whole lot easieer to explain than say the dog, cat or grandma.

 

It's the same thing though. Mortality realized. Not that Grandma is on the same level as the hamster. But I see no benefit in introducing a child to death if you do not have to. Honestly, I see it do nothing for them. Their first experience with the death of a human they loved will have no parallel to that of a hamster. To her, it is a broken toy that is gone forever.

 

My daughter has experienced the death of pets. But nary a one question was asked about death, life and our fragile mortality.

 

Children aren't equipped to understand death anyway, so the effort to educate them about such things is in err.

 

I don't think Bender handled this in the "wrong way". I had to deal with this before, and made a note of it for the future. Spare her the grief.

 

That?s what the hamster was for. Children need to learn about death.

I disagree. A small pet is a way to teach a child to care for and nurture that which she/he loves. As well it teaches responsibility.

[wez]

But really to deny her that grief will hurt her later I think. Grief is a part of life. The grief you are sparing is your own having to watch your child in pain. Selfish bastard.

[Jhony5]

But really to deny her that grief will hurt her later I think. Grief is a part of life. The grief you are sparing is your own having to watch your child in pain. Selfish bastard.

 

Well of course I have self serving motivation as well. I don't want to hear her bitch about a dead goldfish for 4 years if I don't have to. Which I have for 4 years now. Sparing your child unnecessary grief is a good thing.

[wez]

Well of course I have self serving motivation as well. I don't want to hear her bitch about a dead goldfish for 4 years if I don't have to. Which I have for 4 years now. Sparing your child unnecessary grief is a good thing.

 

 

4 years for a goldfish? Poor thing.. She sees you in denial and will not quit til you grieve with her.

[atlantic]

my son's fish went to heaven to help all the other fish who needed him

[Feckless Wench]

No no no no? That?s what the hamster was for. Children need to learn about death. Suck it up and let her know. I mean a hamster is a whole lot easieer to explain than say the dog, cat or grandma.

 

Totally agree!

[timesjoke]

I must lean tword small steps for preparing our children for the real world.

 

Learning to accept dissapointment and grief are just as important in life as everything else. Being honest with kids is a good thing up to a certain point.

 

 

 

If you "baby" them their whole life, they will not be able to function as an adult.

[hugo]

My Dad had two pet goats when he was a kid that pulled him around in a wagon. Then one day things got tough...the goats ended up in the freezer.

[eddo]

I got some pet duckies for Easter one year. They were evil little bastards.

 

 

We had them for dinner one holliday.

[Jhony5]

4 years for a goldfish? Poor thing.. She sees you in denial and will not quit til you grieve with her.

 

Really its not something I would go to great lengths to prevent. That is, her finding out a pet died. But on a microcosmic level, it is traumatic. She was like 3 years old and had this goldfish she named Lizzie, after the popular TV character, Lizzie McGuire. We had her for about 2 weeks. She would say "Good morning Lizzie" when she got up. "Goodbye Lizzie" when she left. "Hello Lizzie" when she got home. One day we're out shopping and while at Wal-Mart we got her some new fish food. My daughter was saying stuff like "I bet she's gonna love her new food. She's gonna say yum yum". Cute.......yea I know. It wasn't so cute when we walked into her room and found her floating on the top. Dead. She was only 3 yet she knew it was dead right away. She still makes comments about that fish from time to time and actually gets sad about it. You can see it on her face. So anyone wanna tell me why this is a good thing?

 

It's not.

[hugo]

Never bought in to the it is good for a kid to have a pet croak line of bull .

[Jhony5]

Never bought in to the it is good for a kid to have a pet croak line of bull .

 

Yep.

 

It's just unnecessarily traumatic to their little world. This experience does nothing to prepare them for the death of a loved human being in their life. All it does is disappoint them terribly and remain a cause of grief for the parent to deal with. If the pet dies, say it ran away if that's even possible. If not, replace it if you can and hope they don't notice the black spot on its side that wasn't there before.

[snafu]

Never bought in to the it is good for a kid to have a pet croak line of bull .

 

What's your suggestion then? lie? What age do you decide to explain reality to your kids? Do you let your kids know they're eating dead animals or do you tell them we picked the meat off the tree? If their old enough to ask, their old enough to be told.