Interesting article... for those interested.

[wez]

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

More About Thomas...

 

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are ? they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

 

Certainly, it?s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can?t rest until you get your way ? you have a personality disorder. While it?s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist?s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They?re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let?s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

 

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

 

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety ? though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can?t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

 

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, ?You?re incompetent? and ?I can?t trust you.? (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

 

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

 

Repetition Compulsion

 

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

 

Two Types of Control Freaks

 

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

 

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

 

Some Coping Strategies

 

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

 

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

 

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

 

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

 

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

 

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

 

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

 

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: ?Those who demand the most often give the least.?

 

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you ? they?re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn?t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

 

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process? and grow.

[Ahhlee]

Of course we all know that a person should never attempt to label another person a control freak without first acknowledging their own need to control others within themselves.

 

Mirror effect, right?

[snafu]

Of course we all know that a person should never attempt to label another person a control freak without first acknowledging their own need to control others within themselves.

 

Mirror effect, right?

 

That?s true. Your perception of someone else is never the same as yourself.

[wez]

Of course we all know that a person should never attempt to label another person a control freak without first acknowledging their own need to control others within themselves.

 

Mirror effect, right?

 

 

I want to uncontrol myself and others actually.. which makes that control and me a control freak. Hmmmm.. how odd. I concur. It's just that I know people will like my uncontrolled control, even if they fight it. I'm quite persistent

 

 

Yeah.. TJ is a "Type 2" control freak.. I'm a "type 2" personal attacker. Hahaha

 

Which means Type 2 control freak = good and type 2 personal attackers are bad.. just ask him.

[snafu]

I want to uncontrol myself and others actually.. which makes that control and me a control freak. Hmmmm.. how odd. I concur. It's just that I know people will like my uncontrolled control, even if they fight it. I'm quite persistent

 

 

Yeah.. TJ is a "Type 2" control freak.. I'm a "type 2" personal attacker. Hahaha

 

Which means Type 2 control freak = good and type 2 personal attackers are bad.. just ask him.

 

I need to stay outta this one.

[wez]

I need to stay outta this one.

 

I hold my own snafola..

 

My lifes goal, in fact, is to be the best control freak the worlds ever seen.. I know all the tricks.

 

My one demand.. control your ing self, dammit, and act like a human being and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. The rest will fall into place..

[timesjoke]

I want to uncontrol myself and others actually.. which makes that control and me a control freak. Hmmmm.. how odd. I concur. It's just that I know people will like my uncontrolled control, even if they fight it. I'm quite persistent

 

 

Yeah.. TJ is a "Type 2" control freak.. I'm a "type 2" personal attacker. Hahaha

 

Which means Type 2 control freak = good and type 2 personal attackers are bad.. just ask him.

 

 

why even try to bring me into a fight again and again Wez?

 

I saw this thread of yours as what it was, a bait tactic to start your games because without conflict, you cannot stand yourself.

 

 

You are the control freak, you try to manipulate everything into an arguement. You must be in control or you lose your mind, lash out at people, spam personal attacks and childish games if you cannot get your way through browbeating people.

 

 

 

I avoided this topic to try and keep the peace with you Wez, but clearly you don't want peace. Just keep my name out of your mouth if all you can do is this kind of childish attacks.

[wez]

why even try to bring me into a fight again and again Wez?

 

I saw this thread of yours as what it was, a bait tactic to start your games because without conflict, you cannot stand yourself.

 

 

You are the control freak, you try to manipulate everything into an arguement. You must be in control or you lose your mind, lash out at people, spam personal attacks and childish games if you cannot get your way through browbeating people.

 

 

 

I avoided this topic to try and keep the peace with you Wez, but clearly you don't want peace. Just keep my name out of your mouth if all you can do is this kind of childish attacks.

 

Hahahahahaha.... relax tough guy..

 

What you hate is what you are and that is why you hate it. ~ wez

[timesjoke]

Hahahahahaha.... relax tough guy..

 

What you hate is what you are and that is why you hate it. ~ wez

 

I know you are but what am I?

[wez]

I know you are but what am I?

 

Are you sure you want to play role reversal with me? I'm afraid you'll grab your ball and run home crying then your mom is gonna call my mom and all hell breaks loose and I'll be forced to beat you up at the bustop to ensure your silence....

 

A type 2 something or another? Type 2 tough guy?

 

Type 2 diabetic?

 

Purchaser and utilizer of type 2 adult diapers?