Ethical Question

[ImWithStupid]

With the Spitzer thing in the news now and all the news channels talking about his wife and cheating and everything, I think that anyone who constantly cheats on their spouse, should be caught and deal with the consequences.

 

My question is, if someone was in a relationship, they truly cared about the other person, but had a moment of weakness and had a one time episode with another person. Now the person feels guilty, knows that they would never do it again. Should that person tell their partner or not?

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[Feckless Wench]

No, why hurt them when they may never find out. Bear the guilt alone and take it as a lesson.

[wez]

Myself actually.. I have never done this because I always would think about how can I sit across from this person when it's just the 2 of us and look them in the eye knowing what I've done.. I would tell them for sure. It may hurt them but I could never live with or surpress the guilt.. They have a right to know the truth and decide whether they want to continue in the relationship or not. IMO.. The guilty party may even self sabotage unknowingly to deal with the guilt, or if they have no guilt, chances are they will continue to do it.. I say tell indeed.

 

Plus I'd think too, if the roles were reversed, how would I feel about it? I'd have a harder time getting past the deed being withheld from me than the actual deed itself I think.. I would forgive them for sure either way, but could I stay and trust them anymore? No trust = no relationship IMO..

 

Also, the truth is the truth, for better or for worse.. and it really is always the best policy.. I don't see how the relationship could ever progress without it.. And would most likely regress in one way or another with this kind of wedge in it.. Guilt makes people do crazy things.

[phreakwars]

To phrase myself: What she don't know, won't hurt me.

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[wez]

To phrase myself: What she don't know, won't hurt me.

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Hahahaha... Dirty pig..

[snafu]

I would say to each there own. I for one would find it hard to conceal. But given the alternative of risking the lose ones spouse I would have to keep my mouth shut.

 

So I would plead the 5th.

[ImWithStupid]

I think that I'm with Fecky on this one. I think that the motive that most people would have to tell, would be guilt. I believe this to be nothing but a selfish motive to tell. To tell someone this out of guilt would hurt the other person for something they didn't do, to make the guilty party feel better. I think it's a burdon that the person who cheated should bear alone.

[wez]

I think that I'm with Fecky on this one. I think that the motive that most people would have to tell, would be guilt. I believe this to be nothing but a selfish motive to tell. To tell someone this out of guilt would hurt the other person for something they didn't do, to make the guilty party feel better. I think it's a burdon that the person who cheated should bear alone.

 

 

Good cop out too so as not to risk losing the one a person loves.

 

"I lied to you for 15 years because I love you and didn't want to hurt you."

 

"I'm the victim here.. I had to live with the guilt all these years"..

[Old Salt]

It has to depend on the individuals involved and the strength of their relationship (IMO). A person can forgive but they'll never forget and in most cases a lack of trust will exist. Without trust you cannot have a complete relationship and it will fail in the end. I hate to admit it, but I am speaking from personal experience. My ex-wife had an affair with my best friend. I didn't find out until later and our marriage lasted another eight years. But in the end the lack of trust proved to be substantiated.

[ImWithStupid]

Good cop out too so as not to risk losing the one a person loves.

 

"I lied to you for 15 years because I love you and didn't want to hurt you."

 

"I'm the victim here.. I had to live with the guilt all these years"..

 

I think that telling the person to make yourself feel better would be the cop out and also the easy thing to do. I'm not saying the cheater is the victim, I'm saying that it's their burden to bear. What good would come from hurting the other person?

[wez]

I think that telling the person to make yourself feel better would be the cop out and also the easy thing to do. I'm not saying the cheater is the victim, I'm saying that it's their burden to bear. What good would come from hurting the other person?

 

The other person was already hurt.. hiding it from them will only make it worse. Plus, the guilt they feel is nothing compared to the guilt if the other person decides to say "goodbye". It really wouldn't make the guilty person feel better by telling them.. make them feel worse, and they know it.. and that's why people avoid it at all costs, not to "spare the other person", but to spare themselves the guilt. Like I said, they've already been hurt.. why continue to hurt them by lying or hiding it?

 

Nobody ever said a relationship was always going to be a rosegarden without thorns.. The hurt has been done. People who truly love the other tell them the truth always. Good and bad.. IMO

 

The "I was sparing your pain by lying and hiding the truth" is a cop out.. Sparing ones own pain is what that is.. and it's selfish.

 

 

Hahahaha.. really.. It's like a criminal lying to the courts to "spare them the pain" of prosecuting them and to "spare the taxpayers" from jailing them.

[ImWithStupid]

The other person was already hurt.. hiding it from them will only make it worse. Plus, the guilt they feel is nothing compared to the guilt if the other person decides to say "goodbye". It really wouldn't make the guilty person feel better by telling them.. make them feel worse, and they know it.. and that's why people avoid it at all costs, not to "spare the other person", but to spare themselves the guilt. Like I said, they've already been hurt.. why continue to hurt them by lying or hiding it?

 

Nobody ever said a relationship was always going to be a rosegarden without thorns.. The hurt has been done. People who truly love the other tell them the truth always. Good and bad.. IMO

 

The "I was sparing your pain by lying and hiding the truth" is a cop out.. Sparing ones own pain is what that is.. and it's selfish.

 

 

Hahahaha.. really.. It's like a criminal lying to the courts to "spare them the pain" of prosecuting them and to "spare the taxpayers" from jailing them.

 

How is the other person hurt? They don't know.

[Old Salt]

It's like the old "if a tree falls in the forest" question. How about "If a crime goes undiscovered and the perp is unremorseful, is it still a crime?"

[wez]

How is the other person hurt? They don't know.

 

 

 

They are hurt by the event.. and doubly hurt by having it concealed from them. Even if they don't know... Just because they are ignorant to it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

 

 

You and I both know the hard thing is telling another person the truth we know will make them angry at us.. and not telling the truth is the easy way out and the cop out. If a person really feels that way, they should end the relationship if they choose to "live with the guilt".. or avoid the guilt, as I believe is the case.. The other person has a right to know, and decide for themselves what they want to do. The hurt has been done, for better or for worse. Lying and hiding it is the worst thing one can do to another, IMO..

 

 

Would you tell them their parent has died knowing it will hurt them, or hide it to "spare their feelings"?

[wez]

It's like the old "if a tree falls in the forest" question. How about "If a crime goes undiscovered and the perp is unremorseful, is it still a crime?"

 

 

Hahahaha.. right Salt.. I see you said you had a wife and a "friend" who did that to you. Do you believe she/they hid it from you to spare your feelings, or their own? I think I know the answer...

[Old Salt]

Hahahaha.. right Salt.. I see you said you had a wife and a "friend" who did that to you. Do you believe she/they hid it from you to spare your feelings, or their own? I think I know the answer...

Looking back on it, there were signs that other people knew about it but I was too stupid (or unbelieving) to notice.:o After all, he was my "best friend". Maybe that's why it's harder for me to make really good friends now.

[ImWithStupid]

I guess we don't agree. I guess I feel more guilty then most. For me it would be easy to admit what I did. It would be harder to carry the burden without admitting. I have never had a problem admitting my wrongs, my problem has been keeping them from hurting others.

[wez]

Looking back on it, there were signs that other people knew about it but I was too stupid (or unbelieving) to notice.:o After all, he was my "best friend". Maybe that's why it's harder for me to make really good friends now.

 

 

Nothing to be embarrassed about.. I had a friend with a similar wife and "friends" as well as cousins and who knows who else.. No one wants to believe that crap and deal with it.. but eventually it can no longer be avoided.

[wez]

I guess we don't agree. I guess I feel more guilty then most. For me it would be easy to admit what I did. It would be harder to carry the burden without admitting. I have never had a problem admitting my wrongs, my problem has been keeping them from hurting others.

 

Not as guilty as you'd feel telling a wife/partner about your own infidelity.. Their hurt, would hurt you that much more as well.. I see it as selfish and a person sparing their own guilt and pain.. But it does help to convince oneself that they are doing it for the good of another..

[ImWithStupid]

Not as guilty as you'd feel telling a wife/partner about your own infidelity.. Their hurt, would hurt you that much more as well.. I see it as selfish and a person sparing their own guilt and pain.. But it does help to convince oneself that they are doing it for the good of another..

 

You have know way of knowing how I'd feel. You can only comment on how you'd feel. Sorry.

[ImWithStupid]

It's like the old "if a tree falls in the forest" question. How about "If a crime goes undiscovered and the perp is unremorseful, is it still a crime?"

 

Nobody is saying an offense didn't happen, but until the person realized they were wronged, they wouldn't be hurt.

[wez]

You have know way of knowing how I'd feel. You can only comment on how you'd feel. Sorry.

 

 

Hahahaha.. I know how we work.. all of us.

[Old Salt]

I can't help but think that carrying that much guilt around for who knows how many years will cause physical and emotional problems. In the end, it will tear a relationship apart.

[ImWithStupid]

 

 

Hahahaha.. I know how we work.. all of us.

 

I guess you're the same as Ted Bundy then.

[wez]

I can't help but think that carrying that much guilt around for who knows how many years will cause physical and emotional problems. In the end, it will tear a relationship apart.

 

 

Very well said Old Salt.. I totally agree.. A person also hurts someone they love by hurting themselves.