Truly Tasteless Jokes

[RoyalOrleans]

Post your most horrible, perverse, disgusting, weird, and shocking jokes here.

 

I'll get the ball rolling...

 

Two flies were sitting on a turd.

 

One fly leans forward, raises his back legs, and blasts a loud, ripping, nauseating fart.

 

The other fly replies, "Hey! I'm trying to eat over here!".

[RoyalOrleans]

An old pollack bursts into a saloon with both hands full of horsesh!t.

 

He calls out to the bartender, "Hey! Look what I almost stepped in!!!"

[wez]

An old pollack bursts into a saloon with both hands full of horsesh!t.

 

He calls out to the bartender, "Hey! Look what I almost stepped in!!!"

 

 

Hahahahaha..

 

What's green and slimey and smells like Mrs. Piggy?

 

Kermit's finger.

 

 

 

 

Pigs is delicious...

[Guest sheik-yerbouti]

Q/ Whats got four legs and goes WOOF ?

 

 

A/ Piper Alpha

 

 

 

 

You might need to look that up on Google

[emkay64]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps

his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over

and says:

 

" I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I

want to stay fresh."

 

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This

time he whispers in her ear:

 

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[emkay64]

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he

notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says:

 

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

 

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.

 

"What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

 

The big black dude looks down and says

 

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brow n."

 

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

[emkay64]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,

 

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

 

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

[emkay64]

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

 

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

 

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

 

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

 

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

 

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

 

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

 

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

 

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

 

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

 

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

 

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

 

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

 

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

 

Now John has no arms or legs.

 

His brother finally arrives to save him.

 

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

 

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fukked"

 

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"

[RoyalOrleans]

Two hobos were walking down the railroad tracks.

 

One hobo said to the other hobo, "I gotta tell ya! Just last night I was walkin' down this same length of tracks and I found a bagful of groceries that someone must've dropped! It had all kinds of good food in it! I must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

 

"That's a great story, but I've got to tell you: I'm the luckiest man on Earth!" hobo #2 repled.

 

"Oh yeah... how can you be the luckiest man on Earth?" asked hobo #1

 

"Well, it was about two weeks ago and I was walking down this same length of track. When lo and behold, I found a beautiful and naked woman tied to the tracks!" hobo #2 retorted.

 

"What did you do?" hobo #1 asked.

 

"Well, sir. I untied her and dragged her out to them trees just over the bluff. Then I fukked the sh!t out of her." hobo #2 answered.

 

"Wow!" said hobo #1 "Did you get a blow job?"

 

"Well... no." answered hobo #2, "I couldn't find her head."

[Guest curt71]

a boy walks up to his dad and asks him "Dad, how old am I?"

 

the dad says " I dont know."

 

the boy then says "I am eleven!"

 

the boy then walks into his house very angrily and asks his grandma " How old am I."

 

so the grandma unzips the boys zipper and reaches into his underwear feeling his genitals and says " eleven"

 

the boy then asks " how did you know?"

 

the grandma answers back " I heard you tell your father outside."

 

[RoyalOrleans]

What has seven arms and sucks?

 

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Def Leppard.

[wez]

How do little boys in Georgia address their big sisters?

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Mommy

[RoyalOrleans]

What's the best thing to ever come out of Minnesota?

 

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The Mississippi

[emkay64]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

 

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

 

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

 

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuk her."

[wez]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

 

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

 

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

 

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuk her."

 

 

Hahahaha.. heard this for the first time from a guy out golfing a couple weeks ago.. cept the patient was the man.. a riot.

 

A couple days later, I was golfing with the son of another guy who is with us for the joke and he told me..

 

"Not sure what got into my dad but he told me yesterday, "if I ever get alzheimers, take me out in the woods and lose me". Hahahaha.. then I told him it musta been that joke..

[RoyalOrleans]

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

 

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

 

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

 

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

 

Just as I finish playing the song with my , my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her , she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.

 

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.

 

Once I cum, I run into the audience, -covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, " the ******s" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

 

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

 

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

 

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense in his sister's vagina while my daughter s in my son's nose.

 

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy- in her make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin ing my daughter. My son, blinded in , heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.

 

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

 

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start ing the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

 

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.

 

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's .

 

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns ing my daughter and eating the menses and out of her tight .

 

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

 

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

 

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing out of her and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

 

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.

 

Once my son finishes ing the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"

 

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

 

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

 

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

 

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"