joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

An elderly gentleman...

 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

 

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Chi]

it's supposed to be bigger than a AAA battery???

 

 

Don't worry Eddo, as long as it's bigger than a watch battery you're all good.

[ToriAllen]

A man and woman were sitting on their front porch enjoying the afternoon of their 40th anniversary. All of a sudden, the woman got up, walked across the porch and smacked her husband across the face.

 

Shocked, her husband asked, "What was that for?"

 

She said, "That is for 40 years of bad sex." Then she sat back down.

 

A few minutes later the husband got up, walked across the porch and smacked his wife across the face.

 

She looked up at him and asked, "What was that for?"

 

He answered, "That's for knowing the difference."

[eddo]

Don't worry Eddo, as long as it's bigger than a watch battery you're all good.

 

How bigs the watch?

[ImWithStupid]

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

[Chi]

How bigs the watch?

 

Wacky Wearable Gadget: World?s Smallest Watch For Your Finger Nail

[eddo]

Wacky Wearable Gadget: World?s Smallest Watch For Your Finger Nail

 

right on!

 

Just call me Ron Jeremy from now on!

[RoyalOrleans]

right on!

 

Just call me Ron Jeremy from now on!

 

The Hedgehog? Oh man... that's a compliment!

[Chi]

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

 

"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

 

"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

 

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

[Old Salt]

ONE

 

 

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

 

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

 

'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

 

 

 

TWO

 

 

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

 

I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

 

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

 

Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

 

I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'

 

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

 

She had no clue to what had just happened.

 

 

 

THREE

 

 

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

 

 

 

 

FOUR

 

 

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

 

'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door lock. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

 

'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk..' (she had no clue either!)

 

 

 

FIVE

 

 

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

 

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,

 

'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

 

'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.

 

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

 

 

 

SIX

 

 

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.'

 

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

 

 

 

SEVEN

 

 

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.

 

Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

 

 

 

EIGHT

 

 

Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

 

 

 

NINE

 

 

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.

 

The mother says, 'Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... '

 

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency room!'

 

 

 

Life is tough.

 

It's tougher if you're stupid

[eddo]

ONE

 

 

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

 

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

 

'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

 

 

I had a similar type of convo at a McDonalds once. I ordered a burger and a medium fries.

 

To which I was told "Sorry sir, we don't have medium sized fries."

 

What sizes do you have?

 

"Small, Large, and extra large."

 

Wouldn't that make the large one the medium, since in the middle?

 

"No sir, it's a large."

 

ok, I'll take a large...

[Old Salt]

Chief Firewood

 

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

 

 

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

[Ahhlee]

I had a similar type of convo at a McDonalds once. I ordered a burger and a medium fries.

 

To which I was told "Sorry sir, we don't have medium sized fries."

 

What sizes do you have?

 

"Small, Large, and extra large."

 

Wouldn't that make the large one the medium, since in the middle?

 

"No sir, it's a large."

 

ok, I'll take a large...

 

OMG! haha!

 

Or when I went to Barnes & Noble and my total came to $50.55.

 

I handed the cashier $100 and then after looking further I realized I had $1 and gave her that, too (to round out my change). She looked at me with the most startled expression and said, "I already rang in $100. I don't want to mess up my till," she said, smugly.

 

"Fine" I thought to myself and waited to get my change only to discover she didn't have enough 10's and had to call her manager over. When the manager arrived, I saw her take a $50 out of the till to make change and I said, "Excuse me, but I do have a dollar if that will help."

 

"Yes!" the manager replied and promptly gave me my $50.45 in change.

 

I thanked the manager, looked at the cashier, rolled my eyes and walked out the door.

[Chi]

OMG! haha!

 

Or when I went to Barnes & Noble and my total came to $50.55.

 

I handed the cashier $100 and then after looking further I realized I had $1 and gave her that, too (to round out my change). She looked at me with the most startled expression and said, "I already rang in $100. I don't want to mess up my till," she said, smugly.

 

"Fine" I thought to myself and waited to get my change only to discover she didn't have enough 10's and had to call her manager over. When the manager arrived, I saw her take a $50 out of the till to make change and I said, "Excuse me, but I do have a dollar if that will help."

 

"Yes!" the manager replied and promptly gave me my $50.45 in change.

 

I thanked the manager, looked at the cashier, rolled my eyes and walked out the door.

 

That's happened to me several times before:p I'll be like I have so-so, so my change will be given back to me more evenly and the person ringing me up will be confused. Then I explain slowly to them and they are like Ohhh:p

[Old Salt]

Quite a few years ago, I bought a coat for my wife. It came to just under $100. I gave the girl a $100 bill and she had to stand there and think about how much change (a matter of a dollar or so) she was gonna have to give me.

[Old Salt]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[ImWithStupid]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

 

'Damn,

 

'Damn !'

 

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. Hetakes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

 

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

 

 

 

 

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

[ImWithStupid]

That's happened to me several times before:p I'll be like I have so-so, so my change will be given back to me more evenly and the person ringing me up will be confused. Then I explain slowly to them and they are like Ohhh:p

 

 

I've had similar situations as you guys with stupid clerks that don't know how to do math in their head or count change so I started messing with them.

 

If you really want to watch their heads explode, do this. Next time you are in a drive-thru or at a convenience store or something, if your total comes to, lets say, $4.78. You give them something like, $6.32, then watch the agony on their face while they try to wrap their head around what to do.

[Ahhlee]

I've had similar situations as you guys with stupid clerks that don't know how to do math in their head or count change so I started messing with them.

 

If you really want to watch their heads explode, do this. Next time you are in a drive-thru or at a convenience store or something, if your total comes to, lets say, $4.78. You give them something like, $6.32, then watch the agony on their face while they try to wrap their head around what to do.

 

Awww come on now! That's just mean! haha!

 

We deal with a lot of Canadian money at my business and the look of terror on the kids' faces when they get some funny money is classic. I made a simple conversion chart for them and taught them how to do it on the calculator but when it actually happens they freeze up like deer in headlights.

 

Ehh...part of growing up, I suppose.

[Old Salt]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

 

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

 

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

 

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Old Salt]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

 

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . "

 

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[Old Salt]

Dear Employees:

 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

 

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

 

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

 

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

 

Number 1

 

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

 

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

 

Number 2

 

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

 

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

 

Number 3

 

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

 

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

 

Number 4

 

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

 

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

 

Number 5

 

TRY SAYING: Really?

 

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

 

Number 6

 

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

 

INSTEAD OF: Tell some one who gives a sh__.

 

Number 7

 

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

 

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

 

Number 8

 

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

 

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

 

Number 9

 

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

 

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

 

Number 10

 

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

 

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

 

Number 11

 

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

 

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

 

Number 12

 

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

 

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

 

Number 13

 

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

 

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

 

Number 14

 

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

 

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

 

Number 15

 

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

 

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

 

Number 16

 

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

 

INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

 

Number 17

 

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

 

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

 

Number 18

 

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

 

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

 

Thank You,

Human Resources

[eddo]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him seductively.

 

"Hi, My name is Carmen," she told him.

 

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most

-- cars and men."

 

"What's your name?" she asked, coyly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"B. J. Titsengolf"

[RoyalOrleans]

An East End Londoner comes home from work one evening to find his wife having sex with two men on the living room floor.

 

He says, (in my best ney accent) "Well... 'ello, 'ello."

 

The wife looks up at her husband and replies, (again in my best ney accent) "Whuhht? You not saying 'ello to me?".

[Old Salt]

This isn't really a joke, it's too close to the truth, but...

 

Notice...

 

Due to recent budget cuts, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil as well as current market conditions, "The Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.