joke of the day.

[ImWithStupid]

The Four Cats

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

 

The first man was an Engineer,

 

The second man was an Accountant,

 

The third man was a Chemist, and

 

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

 

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

 

He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

 

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

 

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

 

He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

 

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

 

Ate the cookies........ Drank the milk....... S t on the paper.......

 

Screwed the other three cats.......

 

Claimed he injured his back while doing so........

 

Filed a grievance report with the union, for unsafe working conditions........

 

Put in for Workers Compensation.................

 

and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Old Salt]

Friendly advice...

 

Please, take care of yourself.

 

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

 

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and sh t like that.

 

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

 

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

[Chopper]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

 

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here

 

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '

 

My sincerest apologies, come back Old Salt ASAP

[eddo]

 

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

LMAO!!

[Old Salt]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[Old Salt]

[eddo]

an oldie, but a goodie- and relevant today.

 

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

 

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

 

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

 

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

 

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

 

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

 

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

[builder]

Henry Kissinger arrived at Hell's gate to a warm welcome from Satan himself, "So, Henry, tell me what you really like." says Satan.

 

"Well, I lived a long and happy life, and I like most things in life."

 

"Do you like to have a drink?" asked Satan.

 

"Sure, I don't mind a little drink in moderation".

 

"Well," said Satan, " you'll love Mondays, all the booze you can drink, and because we're all really dead, there's no hangovers at all. Drink till you drop, and wake up fine."

 

" Do you like food, Henry?" says Satan

 

"Sure, I love to eat good food".

 

"Well," said Satan, you'll love Tuesdays, all the food you can eat, and no worries about getting fat, because we're all dead anyways. Eat till you drop, and wake up fine."

 

"What about drugs, Henry?" says Satan. "Do you like to have an altered consciousness?"

 

"Well, I must say that I did try some pot in my younger days, and I did have some coke, just to see what all the fuss is about, so yeah, I don't have any issues with drugs".

 

"Well, you'll love Wednesdays", says Satan, "All the drugs you can handle, and seeing as we're all dead anyways, you know the rest.".

 

"What about anal sex, Henry?" says Satan. " You like anal sex?"

 

"Well, that's a topic the wife and I never really talked about, so no, I don't think I'd like anal sex." says Henry

 

"Well," says Satan, "You're gonna hate Thursdays."

[Old Salt]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

 

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

 

 

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

 

 

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

 

 

I said "Enjoy...."

[Old Salt]

The Marriage Fairy

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding

anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She

said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving

to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

 

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my

darling husband!"

 

The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen

Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment. "Well, this is all very romantic,

but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love,

but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a

wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! ... the husband

became 92 years old.

 

-

 

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should

remember fairies are female....

[Old Salt]

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.

 

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

 

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $000 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

 

 

Here is the exchange :

 

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

 

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been'

 

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

 

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

 

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 

 

 

Supervisor gets on the phone:

 

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

 

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

 

 

 

 

 

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

 

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

 

 

 

After they get the fax :

 

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

 

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

 

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

 

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

 

Citibank : 'That might help..'

 

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

 

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

 

 

Priceless!! Have you wondered why Citibank is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!

[Old Salt]

Neologisms

 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

 

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

 

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

And the pick of the literature:

 

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an butt hole.

[builder]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

 

He makes landmines that look like Muslim prayer mats.

 

He says he's doing well.

 

Prophets are going through the roof.

[Old Salt]

What A Coincidence!

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

 

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

 

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

 

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman..

 

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

 

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

 

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

 

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

 

'I used a different cok,' he replied.

 

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[ImWithStupid]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

 

In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond.

 

After a while, you wish you had a club and a spade.

[Old Salt]

Custody

 

Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Old Salt]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says,

 

"Hang on! You're a duck."

 

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!"Exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

 

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

 

What are you doing round this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"

Explains the duck.

 

"I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants

to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks..

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you?

 

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous,"

says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

 

"Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

 

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

 

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

 

"Where is it?"

 

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

 

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

 

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

 

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who

live in caravans?" says the duck.

 

Of course," the barman replies.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...

 

 

 

"What the fu k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Old Salt]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

 

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

[builder]

Paddy and Seamus were on searchlight duty, looking out for Luftwaffe bombers. Paddy was getting bored shitless, so he suggested to Seamus that he climb out on the searchlight beam to get a better look around.

 

Seamus said, "Sure and all, and I'll get halfway up there, and you'll turn the bloody thing off."

[Old Salt]

(author unknown)

 

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential

neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

 

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow

traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under

it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and it

must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I

really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it

was that close.

 

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel

should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal

lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches

before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind

legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little

eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you

gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"

 

The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my

windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.. Instantly, he set upon me.

If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies

along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a

frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding

gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of cause for concern. This furry little

tornado was doing some damage!

 

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential

street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed

for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his

tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike,

almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should

have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.

 

The squirrel could have sailed into one of them pristinely kept yards and gone

on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the

wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry

squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my

gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, and

an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather

antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left

glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

 

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to

say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand

(the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a

healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on

the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. TORQUE. This is what the

Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and

the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie

screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

 

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at

maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one

wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel

are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to

put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not

want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet

figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I

did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive

power of the big cruiser.

 

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention

to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of

death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure

my screaming changed intensely. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the

moment), so her front end started to drop.

 

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably

80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of

the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a

little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail

again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I

could. This time it worked...sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of...so to speak.

 

Picture a new scene... Your are a cop....You and your partner have pulled off on

a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some

paperwork.

 

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving

at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder, roars by, and with

all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

 

... I heard screams.

 

... They weren't mine...

 

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to

the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire

smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up

(and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two

things.

 

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me

at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car

were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a

crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop

who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot

shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They

often insist on "letting the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one

thing.

 

The other?

 

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from

the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window,

shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a

patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his. I took a deep

breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street,

and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a

new pair of gloves...and a whole lot of Band-Aids.

[Old Salt]

Questions from a son . . .

 

A young Arab

asks his father:

 

 

 

What is this weird hat

that we are wearing?

 

Why, it's a "chechia" because

in the desert it protects our

heads from the sun!

 

And what is this type of

clothing that you are wearing?

 

It's a "djbellah" because

in the desert it is very hot and

it protects your body!

 

And what are these

ugly shoes that we

have on our feet?

 

These are "babouches", which

keep us from burning our

feet when in the desert!

 

Tell me Abba . . .

 

Yes my son?

 

Why are we living in

Dearborn, Michigan and you’re

still wearing all this goofy "stuff"?

[ImWithStupid]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

 

Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass...yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea.

 

"To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"...And then she went back to reading her book.

[Old Salt]

I met a girl at the park.

 

 

Sparks flew between us instantly, she fell at my feet and I made love to her.

 

 

I thought to myself, "These tazer guns are really worth the money!"

[ImWithStupid]

I went to my doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

 

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

 

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."

 

I said, "I think my pecker tastes funny..."

 

 

[Old Salt]

A beautiful young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."