joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

 

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

 

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

 

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

 

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

 

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

 

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

 

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

 

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

 

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

[Old Salt]

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:

One in office

One in prison.

Illinois already does this.

[Old Salt]

Etiquette for Rednecks:

 

 

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. Do Not wear a "gimmee" cap on your head and also take your sunglasses off your head. Do NOT wear white socks. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt will create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks (not white) and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[Old Salt]

ITS true,, I read it on the Internet and got it in an EMAIL,(Eziekiel's Means of Asking for Illegal Logins)

 

 

 

 

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet

started, but here's the TRUE story ....

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham

Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

 

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far

from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever

leaving thy tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags

short of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

 

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in

between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will

reply telling you who hath the best price.

 

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah's

Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the

drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham

sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move

from his tent.

 

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was

called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a

language to transmit ideas and pictures.....Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete

himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's

business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for

insider trading.

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy

horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical

Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were

going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who

bought off every drum maker in the land.

 

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with

Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

 

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over

by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as

it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot .....replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

 

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it

YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic

Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to

locate things around the countryside.

 

It soon became known as.... God's Own Official Guide to Locating

Everything (GOOGLE).

 

And that is how it all began. So now you know.

[Old Salt]

George Carlin

 

George Carlin on taking shits

 

 

 

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a sh t is one. You don’t take a sh t, you leave a sh t. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!

 

 

 

George Carlin on TV

 

 

 

You can say wee-wee on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can wee-wee your finger, just don’t finger your wee-wee.

 

 

 

George Carlin on Pro-Lifers

 

 

 

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to f in the first place?

 

 

 

George Carlin on Euphemisms for Death

 

 

 

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

 

 

 

George Carlin on Eating

 

 

 

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

 

 

 

George Carlin on His Motto

 

 

 

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

 

 

 

George Carlin on Counting

 

 

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

[Old Salt]

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

 

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

 

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

 

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there..

 

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

 

 

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

 

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

 

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

[Old Salt]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but it was very difficult work because the ground was so hard.

 

His only son, Vincent, who use to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

 

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

 

 

At 4 a.m.. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area---without finding a single body. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

 

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

Love you,

Vinnie

[Old Salt]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

 

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

 

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Old Salt]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" And so on and on and on . . .

 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.

 

He whirled around and screamed: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[Old Salt]

TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

 

 

 

(I think this came from Letterman's Show)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[Old Salt]

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

 

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked on the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

 

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

 

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

[Old Salt]

Effective Immediately

 

: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

 

2) If we see you wearing and carrying a Gucci bag and wearing Prada shoes

, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

 

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so

that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.

 

1 through 4, NN Council Member's are Excluded

 

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of

sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to

work.

 

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

 

Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of

three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,

the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second

offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture

will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to

eat more, so that they can look healthy.

 

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to

maintain their average figure.

 

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time

needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,

concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and

input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Nationial Personnel Management Dress Code

[Old Salt]

BLAMESTORMING:

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER:

 

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

 

ASSMOSIS:

 

The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

 

SALMON DAY:

 

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 

CUBE FARM :

 

An office filled with cubicles.

 

PRAIRIE DOGGING :

 

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 

MOUSE POTATO :

 

The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 

SITCOMs:

 

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

 

STRESS PUPPY:

 

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

SWIPEOUT:

 

An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

 

XEROX SUBSIDY:

 

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

 

 

IRRITAINMENT:

 

Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:

 

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

ADMINISPHERE :

 

The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 

404:

 

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

 

GENERICA :

 

Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

 

OHNO SECOND:

 

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

 

WOOFS:

 

Well-Off Older Folks.

 

CROP DUSTING:

 

Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

[Old Salt]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

 

 

While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man

suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the

act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

 

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is

his wife in bed with another man!

 

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

 

 

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

 

 

"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you."

 

 

"HE paid for our new cabin cruiser."

 

 

"HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets."

 

 

"HE paid for our house at the lake."

 

 

"HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly

dues!"

 

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks

over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

 

 

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches

cold."

[andy]

Balls balls said the Queen if I had 2 I'd be the King.

Nay nay said the Jack it takes 12 inches to be a ruler.

[kicks]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

 

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

 

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?

 

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

 

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

 

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

 

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

 

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.