joke of the day.

[RoyalOrleans]

What did Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon get for Christmas?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick Swayze

[Old Salt]

I usually use a spray deodorant, but I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom' My ass is sore as hell at the moment, but my farts sure smell good!!!

[Old Salt]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

Biker Dude are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the

land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever

fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,

Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again,

with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall

around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick

and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year....

 

p.s. this can happen after all of our troops are back home.

[Old Salt]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a ." Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a this month, I'm going to lose my car."

[Old Salt]

Cure for constipation

 

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

 

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore

 

If that doesn't scare the sh!t out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

 

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a public service.

[Old Salt]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

 

 

 

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

 

 

 

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

 

 

 

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!

[Old Salt]

Navy Retirement

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

 

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my

testicles."

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

 

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

 

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

[snafu]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

 

 

 

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

 

 

 

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

 

 

 

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!

 

OK that's funny cause it's true.

[snafu]

Navy Retirement

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

 

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my

testicles."

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

 

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

 

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

 

:D:D You can't out smart a Chief.

[Old Salt]

The Tax Poem

 

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.

Be sure to read all the way to the end!

 

Tax his land,

Tax his bed,

Tax the table

At which he's fed.

 

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes

Are the rule.

 

Tax his work,

Tax his pay,

He works for peanuts

Anyway!

 

 

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

 

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirt,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

 

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he

Tries to think.

 

Tax his cigars,

Tax his beers,

If he cries

Tax his tears.

 

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

To tax his ass.

 

Tax all he has

Then let him know

That you won't be done

Till he has no dough.

 

When he screams and hollers;

Then tax him some more,

Tax him till

He's good and sore...

 

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in

Which he's laid.

 

Put these words

Upon his tomb,

'Taxes drove me

to my doom...'

 

When he's gone,

Do not relax,

Its time to apply

The inheritance tax.

 

Accounts Receivable Tax

Airline surcharge tax

Airline Fuel Tax

Airport Maintenance Tax

Building Permit Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Death Tax

Dog License Tax

Driving Permit Tax

Excise Taxes

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment (UI)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Gasoline Tax ( too much per litre)

Gross Receipts Tax

Health Tax

Hunting License Tax

Hydro Tax

Inheritance Tax

Interest Tax

Liquor Tax

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Mortgage Tax

Personal Income Tax

Property Tax

Poverty Tax

Prescription Drug Tax

Property Tax

Provincial Income Tax

Real Estate Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

Retail Sales Tax

Service Charge Tax

School Tax

Telephone Federal Tax

Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Water Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

 

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

 

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

 

We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middleclass, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

 

What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

 

And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?

[Old Salt]

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

 

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

 

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

 

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

 

"Why the rabbit?"

 

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Old Salt]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

 

"Want coffee.

 

"The waiter says, ?Sure, Chief, coming right up."

 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

 

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

 

The next morning the Indian returns.

 

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

 

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says "Training for position in United States Congress:

 

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, and leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[Old Salt]

Question:

 

What do you get when you mix a GPS with PMS?

 

Answer:

 

A crazy bitch who will find you!

[Old Salt]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

 

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

 

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

 

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

 

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.."

 

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

 

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

 

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

 

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

 

"Well," explained the Redneck...

 

"She was just a Weeee bit,not that you could hardly tell...

 

pregnant when you met her"

[Old Salt]

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

 

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

 

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

 

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

 

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

 

I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'

 

There was a short pitch on National Health Care by Obama, immediately followed by the Iranian National Anthem, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

 

Damn, I LOVE this truck!

[Old Salt]

Date: Thu, 30 Jul 2009 08:47:10 -0400

 

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States

of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

 

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly

salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related

overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

 

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the

President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost

savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot

remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash

outlay," Reynolds noted.

 

_____

 

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- July 27,2009

 

 

 

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination (it is hoped it

did not end up in his junk folder). Preparations for the job move have been

underway for some time.

 

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India,

will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was

born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at

Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will

receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other

benefits.

 

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job

responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between

the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights

will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated

Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

 

"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

 

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully

aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not

be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

 

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond

effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can

address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at

all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.

 

"Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some

people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

 

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day

of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for

$340 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. This, of course, will be taxable as

income and if he can't pay his rent or mortgage after taxes, that's too bad.

Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment

benefits will exceed the allowed limit. He is being notified of his COBRA

options, whereby he will have to pay what his employer paid. This will be

$870 a month, but it is unlikely he'll be able to afford it on his

unemployment pay, much like most others offered this option.

 

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to

help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new

position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime

that is actually marketable in this economy. There are few openings for

Harvard lawyers who are fired - um, laid off - from the most important job

on the planet.

 

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive

experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

[Old Salt]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

 

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

 

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

 

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

 

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

 

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular).

 

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

 

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 

 

And; Last, but not least,

 

 

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

 

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Old Salt]

Medical miracle

 

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House

[Old Salt]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

 

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

 

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

 

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

 

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"

 

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Old Salt]

The Lie Clock

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

 

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

 

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

 

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

 

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

 

'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

 

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

 

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Old Salt]

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

 

1. Take out your laptop.

 

2. Slowly open your laptop.

 

3. Turn it on.

 

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

 

5. Open your internet browser.

 

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.

 

7. Breathe deeply and open the site (The End!!!!)

 

8. Look at the expression on the jerk?s face.

[Old Salt]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last:

 

 

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

 

I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

 

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.

 

Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

 

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be 20 on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

 

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

 

George

 

P.S. Remember this motto....... an armed society is a polite society!

[Old Salt]

Summer Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Saturday, August 22, 2009

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

 

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

 

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

 

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at7:00 PM.

 

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used..

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[Old Salt]

Dear Mom & Dad,

 

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

 

We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file?

 

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

 

Love, Chris

[Old Salt]

Who is your role model?

 

Be sure not to peek! You don't want to screw your answer.

 

Try this - it's really neat ...

 

Don't look at the answers:

 

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

 

2) Multiply by 3 then

 

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)

 

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

 

5) Add the digits together

 

 

Now Scroll down ...............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 

 

 

 

 

1. Albert Einstein

 

2. Oprah Winfrey

 

3. Mother Teresa

 

4. Randubius Raji

 

5. Bill Gates

 

6. Johann Von Stueckenberg

 

7. Michael Jackson

 

8. Brad Pitt

 

9. Old Salt

 

10. Barack Obama

 

I know...I just have that effect on people....

one day you too can be like me.....

 

Believe it!

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!

 

I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT