joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

As men age we start seeing more of the medical world which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.

 

In my case it is a new urologist.

 

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.

 

I saw her yesterday and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

 

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

 

I asked her why.

 

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

[ImWithStupid]

A young blonde woman was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

 

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

 

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

 

Dang! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Old Salt]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages:

 

 

 

English: I Love You

 

 

 

Spanish: Te Amo

 

 

 

French: Je T'aime

 

 

 

German: lch Liebe Dich

 

 

 

Japanese: Ai e Imasu

 

 

 

Thai: Phom rak khun

 

 

 

Italian: Ti amo

 

 

 

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

 

 

 

Swedish: Jag Alskar

 

 

 

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida: Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[Ahhlee]

A woman asks her doctor, "How many calories does cum have?".

 

The doctor replies, "Honey, if you swallow, no one cares if you're fat".

[Old Salt]

<disclaimer - not fact checked>

 

Bail Out According to Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

"BAIL EM OUT ????

 

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our health and banking system, our very way of life to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

[snafu]

<disclaimer - not fact checked>

 

Bail Out According to Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

"BAIL EM OUT ????

 

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our health and banking system, our very way of life to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

 

 

I'm gonna have to use this one.

[Chi]

I'm gonna have to use this one.

 

Why? It's not even true. Just more lies and scare tactics. Taken from Wikipedia:

"After losing a tax fraud case in 1990, the brothel was closed for three months and auctioned off. Conforte fled the United States and now lives in Brazil. The brothel was bought by a holding company (a front for Conforte) and stayed open. After that company and the brothel's manager (a former county commissioner) lost a federal fraud, racketeering and conspiracy case in 1999, the Mustang Ranch was closed and forfeited to the federal government. The Brazil Supreme Court ruled in the same year that Conforte could not be extradited.

 

In 2002, the brothel's furniture, paintings and accessories were auctioned off. The Bureau of Land Management sold the Ranch's pink stucco structures on eBay in 2003. Bordello owner Lance Gilman purchased the buildings for $145,100 and moved them to his Wild Horse Adult Resort & Spa five miles to the east, where the relocated and extensively renovated buildings eventually became the second brothel located at that complex. However, the rights to the name Mustang Ranch, which Gilman had hoped to use for this new brothel, were tied up in a court battle with David Burgess, the owner of the Old Bridge Ranch, nephew of Joe Conforte, and manager of the Mustang Ranch from 1979 until 1989. In December 2006, a federal judge ruled that Gilman was the "exclusive owner of the Mustang Ranch trademark" giving him the rights to use the name and branding.[3]

 

In late March 2007, the final remaining building, the Annex II which had been bought for $8,600 by Dennis Hof, was burned down in a fire department training exercise.[4] A Reno Gazette-Journal report[5] cited plans for the restoration of natural conditions to the section of the Truckee River flowing through the land, following the completion of a similar restoration[6] five miles downstream on McCarran Ranch land owned by The Nature Conservancy. It would likely include construction of natural meanders to the river channel and replacement of invasive whitetop (Lepidium draba) with native plants, willow and cottonwood trees. Such a restoration will cost millions of dollars and could begin by 2007."

[eddo]

Why? It's not even true. Just more lies and scare tactics.

 

yeah, because all the other 250+ replies in here are all factual...

[Chi]

yeah, because all the other 250+ replies in here are all factual...

 

They are. Except TJ's:p

[ImWithStupid]

Why? It's not even true. Just more lies and scare tactics. Taken from Wikipedia:

 

 

Ok, TJ.

 

It was a joke. My first clue that it was a joke, was that it was posted in the, "Joke of the day" thread.

 

With that said, I have every bit of confidence that had the government tried to run this, it would have become true.

[Chi]

Ok, TJ.

 

It was a joke. My first clue that it was a joke, was that it was posted in the, "Joke of the day" thread.

 

With that said, I have every bit of confidence that had the government tried to run this, it would have become true.

 

I'm quite aware it was a joke, but not if Snaf was planning to go around spreading that falsehood as truth. And I'm glad you have that great deal of confidence in your government & leaders.

[ImWithStupid]

I'm quite aware it was a joke, but not if Snaf was planning to go around spreading that falsehood as truth. And I'm glad you have that great deal of confidence in your government & leaders.

 

 

It comes with life's experience. They've proven it time and again.

[Old Salt]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

 

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

 

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

 

The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

 

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[timesjoke]

Motivated by IWS's sig ^^^^

 

 

Why did the pervert cross the road?

 

 

Because he was stuck to the chicken.

[Old Salt]

A young lady comes home from a date rather sad. Her mother asks, "What's the matter, Honey?"

 

"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

 

"Then why are you so sad?"

 

"Because he's an atheist, Mom. He doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

 

"Marry him anyway, dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he really is."

[Old Salt]

"YOU MIGHT BE TALIBAN IF...."

 

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

 

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 

3. You have more wives than teeth.

 

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

 

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide..

 

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

 

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing...

 

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

 

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Old Salt]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

 

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

 

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

 

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it?s okay,' said the woman.

 

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

 

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

 

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance.'

[Chi]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

 

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

 

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

 

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it?s okay,' said the woman.

 

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

 

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

 

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance.'

 

I think all men are afflicted with that condition.

[timesjoke]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

 

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

 

 

 

'About a gallon'

[Chi]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

 

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

 

 

 

'About a gallon'

 

Oprah Winfrey is one of the most generous, positive, hard-working, benevolent people out there yet she is still despised by a lot of people. Why is that?

 

And before anyone opens up their big yap about me not getting that this is a joke. Yes, YES, I get it. Still just wondering.

[timesjoke]

Oprah Winfrey is one of the most generous, positive, hard-working, benevolent people out there yet she is still despised by a lot of people. Why is that?

 

And before anyone opens up their big yap about me not getting that this is a joke. Yes, YES, I get it. Still just wondering.

 

This is a joke thread, if you want to debate why people do not like Oprah, make a new thread and I will gladly join in on the discussion.

[timesjoke]

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost.. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

 

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Old Salt]

Dear Wife:

 

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

 

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

 

 

 

Your EX-Husband

 

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

 

 

 

Dear Ex-Husband

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

 

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

 

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me....

 

So take care.

 

 

 

Signed,

 

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

 

 

 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

 

I hope that's not a problem!!! - Have a nice life as I know I will!!!

[Old Salt]

Now that Cash for Clunkers is winding down, we have:

 

"CASH FOR CODGERS" And It Works Like This...

 

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent 'codgers' will garner the highest amounts.

 

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, and persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight.

 

Smaller bonuses will be given for 'codgers' who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

 

All 'codgers' will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other 'codgers' in repair

[Old Salt]

Why men are never depressed:

 

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time!

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier!