joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

Let me get this straight...

 

The new health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke.

 

 

 

 

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[timesjoke]

Let me get this straight...

 

The new health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke.

 

 

 

 

 

What could possibly go wrong?

 

Sometimes you depress me OS

[hugo]

Oprah Winfrey is one of the most generous, positive, hard-working, benevolent people out there yet she is still despised by a lot of people. Why is that?

 

And before anyone opens up their big yap about me not getting that this is a joke. Yes, YES, I get it. Still just wondering.

 

Oprah Winfrey - Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia

[Old Salt]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

 

How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years', my husband replies.

 

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?

 

'Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your rear end, didn't it?'

 

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals

through a straw.

 

Stupid, stupid man

[Old Salt]

A man dying on his deathbed, with a pitiful gasp, manages to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request my dear."

 

"Of course", his wife replied, clutching his hand. "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob."

 

"But I thought you hated Bob!"

 

"I do."

[Old Salt]

I never realized this!! Now I understand......

 

Mystery explained.....

 

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally! Ever wonder why?

 

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

[Old Salt]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

 

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

 

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

 

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

 

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

 

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

 

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

 

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

 

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

 

The cop asks: 'And her... what's her age?'

 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[RoyalOrleans]

What do you call a room full of oatmeal?

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A mushroom!

[Old Salt]

What do you call a room full of oatmeal?

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A mushroom!

<groan>

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.

[Old Salt]

Amazingly simple home remedies

 

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does , use the duct tape.

 

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily thought:

 

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

[Old Salt]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

 

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don't have time

 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

 

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . . A widow.

 

He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[RoyalOrleans]

How do you find a lost rabbit?

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Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.

[Chi]

What do you call a room full of oatmeal?

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A mushroom!

 

How do you find a lost rabbit?

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Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.

 

Boooo!!!!

[Chi]

Here's another corny joke for RO:

 

 

What type of phone is a turtle's phone of choice?

 

 

A shell phone.

[emkay64]

Yep Oprah's a gem....and she's an egotistical name dropper. I find her to be extremely annoying.

 

Be modest! It's the kind of pride least likely to offend

[emkay64]

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

[hugo]

Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.

 

Will Rogers

[ImWithStupid]

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Kneivel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center, this coming weekend in Beaumont, Texas - - if anybody wants them.

 

 

 

He's going to try to jump 1,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a great time.....

[Old Salt]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique I have used successfully.

 

It really does work.

 

 

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

 

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

 

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

 

4. No one knows your secret place.

 

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

 

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

 

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.

 

 

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already!

[Old Salt]

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a very bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

 

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

 

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

 

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

 

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

 

"Denise," the doctor answered.

 

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name "Denise."

 

What's the boy's name?"

 

The doctor replied, "Denephew."

[Old Salt]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

 

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to..'

 

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

 

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

 

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and ed both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

 

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

 

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

 

There are two lessons for us all:

 

Don't waste ammunition.

 

Don't mess with old people.

[Old Salt]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there.

 

I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'?

 

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.

 

Her parents beamed.

 

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

 

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'?

 

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

 

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[Old Salt]

The potty

 

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

 

His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while.

 

Billy says: "i'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

 

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

 

billy says: "works for ketchup."

[ImWithStupid]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst.

 

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

 

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

 

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

 

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

 

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

 

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

 

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

 

POOF

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. ;

 

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

 

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

 

POOF

 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

 

POOF

 

He was turned into a tampon.

 

Moral of the story:

 

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[Old Salt]

:::: fly swatter ::::