joke of the day.

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Peace at Last

 

 

 

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the: United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

 

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:

 

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

 

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

 

its funny because it's probably true...

[Old Salt]

its funny because it's probably true...

The funniest jokes usually have a hint of truth in them.

[eddo]

its funny because it's probably true...

 

The funniest jokes usually have a hint of truth in them.

 

My Wal-mart has no such forms.

 

 

lying bastids...

[Old Salt]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

 

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

 

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

I wanna watch.

[Ahhlee]

(I got this in an email and already posted it at the Jungle, but I figured I'd post it here, too.)

 

 

 

Congratulations to Ted Kennedy...

 

...38 days without a drink.

 

 

Way to go, Ted!

[Old Salt]

Firefighters dodge sparks as they saw through metal ring into which man had inserted his penis. He used the weight in effort to make it longer, but it got stuck for three days.

 

Daily Pilot - Serving Newport Beach & Costa Mesa, California

[Old Salt]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

 

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

 

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

 

"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters kissed me." "My Lord, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

 

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Old Salt]

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come. About 5pm."

 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem" says Tom. "I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.."

 

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

 

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

 

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

 

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Old Salt]

Will I Live to Be 80?...

 

Here's something to think about.

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I am 59). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

 

'Oh just a little wine,' I replied.. 'Also I've never done drugs!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

 

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

 

'No,' I said.

 

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh t?'

[snafu]

Will I Live to Be 80?...

 

Here's something to think about.

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I am 59). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

 

'Oh just a little wine,' I replied.. 'Also I've never done drugs!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

 

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

 

'No,' I said.

 

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh t?'

 

Amen..

 

Why live?

[Old Salt]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:

 

?California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.?

 

One week later, the Times, a local newspaper in Helena, MT reported the following:

 

?After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near, Spring Meadow, Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Montana had already gone wireless.?

 

Just makes me proud to be from Montana.

[Old Salt]

Michelle Obama told her husband, "Barack, I have a wonderful idea! I know how we can get Middle America to support your healthcare plan and bring your ratings back up!"

 

"Great, but how will we do that?", asks an intrigued Mr. Obama.

 

"Well, Michelle responds, we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador."

 

"When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

 

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

 

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and say's, "You're President and First Lady!"

 

Michelle answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Barack suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

 

They then order a couple of tails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

 

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

 

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Michelle and Barack could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

 

"Tell me, said Michelle, why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

 

"Good Lord no.", said the bartender, "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two butt holes!"

[Old Salt]

No Bell Piece Prize

 

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs(for you city folks).

 

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his sroosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

 

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine speciment he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. THe pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement. old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he bacame as overnight sensation among the judges.

 

The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awrds on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Old Salt]

If it ain't broke...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A couple have been married a few year when a family member passes and leaves them an old cabin way back in the woods. At first they have no idea what to do with it but then, After a visit one week-end they decide that it is a wonderful place to get away for a while.

 

The only trouble with the place is the lack of an indoor toliet and from the start the wife has been fussing about the outhouse being broken. Like most husbands, the man has selective hearing and only catches part of what his wife is saying. He finds himself thinking "What can break in an outhouse" ?

 

One week-end as he is getting ready to go he asks his wife why she isn't ready. She tells him I am not going unless you promise to fix the outhouse ! Ok he say. I'll fix the outhouse......

 

When they arrive at the cabin, she don't even allow him to carry in their things. Its straight to the outhouse. Its a one seater and she has to stand outside while he goes in and looks things over. He looks and looks but sees nothing wrong and says so. You have to get closer to see it she says.

 

Well this goes on until his head is nearly in the hole and he is getting upset. He jerks his head out to yell at his wife and when he does, His beard gets caught in a tiny split in the wooden seat !

 

OUCH ! he yells. Wife turns and walks away with a grin. Hurts don't it ?

[Old Salt]

Anger Management

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day,

and you just need to take it out on someone,

don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know,

but you know deserves it.

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered

a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

 

I found the number and dialed it.

 

A man answered, saying

"Hello."

 

I politely said,

"This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

"Get the right f ing number!"

and the phone was slammed down on me.

 

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

 

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

 

After hanging up with her,

I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

"You're an asshole!"

and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,

and put it in my desk drawer.

 

Every couple of weeks,

when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an asshole!"

 

It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my theraputic 'asshole'

calling would have to stop.

 

So, I called his number and said,

"Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

 

He yelled

"NO!"

and slammed down the phone.

 

I quickly called him back and said,

"That's because you're an asshole!"

and hung up.

 

One day I was at the store,

getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

 

Some guy in a black BMW

cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

 

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,

but the idiot ignored me.

 

I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window,

so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later,

right after calling the first asshole

(I had is number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

 

I said,

"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

He said,

"Yes, it is."

 

I then asked,

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

He said,

"Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front."

 

I asked,

"What's your name?"

 

He said,

"My name is Don Hansen,"

 

I asked,

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

He said,

"I'm home every evening after five."

 

I said,

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

He said,

"Yes?"

 

I said,

"Don, you're an asshole!"

 

Then I hung up,

and added his number to my speed dial, too.

 

Now, when I had a problem,

I had two assholes to call.

 

Then I came up with an idea...

 

I called asshole #1.

 

He said,

"Hello."

 

I said,

"You're an asshole!"

(But I didn't hang up.)

 

He asked,

"Are you still there?"

 

I said,

"Yeah!"

 

He screamed,

"Stop calling me,"

 

I said,

"Make me,"

 

He asked,

"Who are you?"

 

I said,

"My name is Don Hansen."

 

He said,

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

I said,

"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,

a yellow ranch style home and

I have a black Beamer parked in front."

 

He said,

"I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers."

 

I said,

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,"

and hung up.

 

Then I called Asshole #2.

 

He said,

"Hello?"

 

I said,

"Hello, asshole,"

 

He yelled,

"If I ever find out who you are..."

 

I said,

"You'll what?"

 

He exclaimed,

"I'll kick your ass,"

 

I answered,

"Well, asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 7 News

about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

 

I got there just in time to watch two assholes

beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter

and surrounded by a news crew.

 

NOW I feel much better.

 

Anger management really does work.

[Old Salt]

Blonde Mortician

 

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

 

"There's no charge," she says.

 

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says..

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice, so I just switched their heads."

[Old Salt]

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

 

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

 

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..

 

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

[Old Salt]

Not For The"Meek" Of Stomack Or Mind This was sent to me by a Friend and I am in tears in the office trying not

to laugh to loud!!

Texas Chili Contest

 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for

you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

 

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at

the San Antonio City Park.

 

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named F rank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured

by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy

and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite.Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced from all

of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to

look HOT...

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow

cone.

 

C HILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing.

I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is

covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full

of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing

it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the

4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going

to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Old Salt]

A woman was very distraught that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the expertise of a sex therapist.

 

Her regular physician recommended the well known Chinese sex therapist - Dr, Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said " OK, take off all your crose."

 

The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

 

Again, she did as instructed. " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said " Your probrem very bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf dates or sex."

 

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

 

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, " That when your face rook ed zachary rike your a$$!"

[Old Salt]

HEY LITTLE GIRL WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?

 

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

 

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks AND a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

 

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

 

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the f...in' Honda instead of a Harley, YOU RIDE IT!"

[Old Salt]

Jim and Mary were both patients at a Mental Hospital.

 

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end and promptly sank to the bottom. Mary immediately jumped in, swam to the bottom, and pulled Jim out.

 

When the Medical Director of the hospital heard of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said - " Mary, I have some good news, and some bad news.

 

The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Mary replied " OH, he didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry!"

[Old Salt]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

 

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

 

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

 

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

 

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

 

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

 

I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."

[Old Salt]

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut),

people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to

have had sex in the shower!

 

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents

said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

 

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[Old Salt]

A little old lady, well into her seventies, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily walks across the floor to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter she grabs it for support and asks the clerk :

" Dddoo youu hhave dddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

" Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry several models."

The old woman then asks," Dddoo youu hhave aa pppink onne, ttennn inchhess

lllong aand aabbboutt ttwo inchhess thththiickkk?"

The clerk responds, " Yes we do."

"Cccann YYouuu ttttell mme hhhoww ttto tttturrnn tthe dddammnn ttthhinngg offff?"

[Old Salt]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, " Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The minister shouted out " CROSS.", and the congregation began singing 'The Old Rugged Cross'.

The minister next shouted out " GRACE.", and they began singing 'Amazing Grace'.

Next, the minister shouted out " POWER.", and the congregation began singing 'There is Power in the Blood'.

Then the minister shouted out " SEX.", and the whole congregation fell totally silent!

Everyone was in shock,and they began looking at each other wondering what to do.

Then all of a sudden, in the back of the church, an 87 year old grandmother began to sing 'Precious Memories'!