joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

A guy calls his buddy--a horse rancher--and says he's sending a guy over looking to buy a horse.

 

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

 

'That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment.'

 

So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

 

'A female horth.'

 

So he shows him a prized filly.

 

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

 

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

 

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

 

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

 

 

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

 

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and lets him drop to the ground.

 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. Perhapth I should wephrase that.

 

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[Ahhlee]

UCLA STUDY ( VERY INTERESTING & SHORT )

 

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

 

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

 

No further studies are expected.

[Old Salt]

The Anatomy of a Cow

 

First year students at Texas A&M Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all huddle around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.. The professor started by telling them. ?In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.? ?The first is that you are not to be disgusted by anything involving an animal body.?

 

As an example the doctor pulled the sheet back from over the cow stuck his middle finger in the butt of the animal, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

?Go ahead and now each of you do it? he told his students. The students FREAKED OUT! Hesitating for several minutes they eventually took turns. Each of them stuck their finger in the animals butt and then sucked on it.

 

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ?The second most important quality is observation.? I stuck my middle finger in the cow and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

 

Life?s tough, and its even tougher if you are stupid.

[Old Salt]

There's this guy who's in the market for a new motorcycle. He's always wanted a nice big hog,so he shops around, answering ads in the paper, but not having much luck.

 

One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find it in mint condition! He talks with the owner and agrees on the price, then asks, " This thing is perfect - how do you keep it in such great shape?"

 

"Well," the seller says," It's pretty simple. Just make sure if the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, I won't need my tube anymore so you can have it."

 

That night he decides to ride his new bike to his girlfriends house. It's his first time meeting her parents and they have invited him to dinner. Naturally, he wants to make a good impression.

 

When he gets to his girlfriend's house, she's waiting for him outside and says, " I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner - we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything has to wash the dishes."

 

"No problem." he says, and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded! There are piles of dirty dishes everywhere! In the living room, in the hallway, on the stairs! In fact, everywhere he looks there are piles of dishes!

 

As the dinner progresses, no one says a word. He decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses and fondles his girlfriend - silence. He then stands up, grabs the girl, throws her on the table, and proceeds to have his way right there! Silence.

"Her mom's kinda cute." he thinks, so next he grabs her and proceeds to ravage her right there on the table too!

 

Again - total silence!

 

Then a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain, so he stands up and pulls the tube of vaseline out of his pocket.

 

Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts - " All right, all right, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[Old Salt]

Men's Tools Explained

 

DRILL PRESS:

 

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

 

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, !"

 

SKILL SAW:

 

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

 

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

 

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

 

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

 

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

 

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW:

 

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

 

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

 

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

 

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

 

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

 

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:

 

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

 

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

 

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

Son of a bitch TOOL:

 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Ahhlee]

(My apologies if this has been done before)

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

 

 

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE

ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS

ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

[ImWithStupid]

(My apologies if this has been done before)

 

 

I don't know if it has, but I refuse to accept your apology anyway. Humph!

 

<arms crossed, pouty face>

[Ahhlee]

I don't know if it has, but I refuse to accept your apology anyway. Humph!

 

<arms crossed, pouty face>

 

Don't be a hater!!!!

 

Here, you have male chauvinist tendencies....this one's for you!:

 

 

 

What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

 

Nice tits.

[Old Salt]

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed and he begins to worry.

 

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly", she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all", she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?", he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!", she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

 

 

She whispers in his ear, ------- "That's me before the surgery."

[Old Salt]

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

[Old Salt]

My Favorite Animal

 

 

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again.

 

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand.

 

My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

 

 

 

THATS JUST THE WAY IT IS IN TEXAS

[RegisteredAndEducated]

A cowboy walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.

 

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

 

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

 

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

 

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

 

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

 

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

 

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

 

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

[Old Salt]

Dearest Redneck Son,

 

 

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

 

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

 

I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

 

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck... Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

 

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[Old Salt]

Chili

 

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to be sorry chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

 

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

 

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

 

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my a is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch! You need to duche!!", then quickly left.

 

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

 

That, of course, set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

 

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Publix. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

[Old Salt]

I'm not overly concerned about swine flu. Here's my main worry:

 

 

? 3 years ago, Chinese calendar - year of the cow.

 

?..Mad Cow disease.

 

 

 

? 2 years ago, Chinese calendar - year of the bird.

 

?..Avian flu.

 

? This year, Chinese calendar - year of the pig.

 

?..Swine flu.

 

 

Next year is the year of the - I'm just sayin' . . . .

[Old Salt]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-two years of misery is enough.

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

 

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Old Salt]

MAN TEST

 

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a

queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and

have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing

the Oprah diet... .

 

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer--

it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate

touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just

think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your

ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun,

come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

 

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or

tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

 

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a

parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is

his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

 

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as

tinkerbell. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy

Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man

there too.

 

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four

different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might

as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory

space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out

chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other

than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

 

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to

tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at

a slow-assed driver or to cut the off. The rest of the time he

needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold

his beer.

[Old Salt]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their

soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few

shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior

is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're

selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a

curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice

asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing

pretty well. I see you only have two left."

 

 

Seniors -- don't mess with them!

[Old Salt]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

 

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

 

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

 

HE paid for your St. Louis Rams season tickets.

 

HE paid for our house at the lake.

 

HE paid for our country club membership, and monthly dues!'

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

 

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[Old Salt]

Can't remember if I've posted this before and I'm too lazy to look.

 

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to Artie's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

 

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

 

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

 

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses....' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

 

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN . SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE F%@& ' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'

 

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

[snafu]

Can't remember if I've posted this before and I'm too lazy to look.

 

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to Artie's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

 

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

 

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

 

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses....' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

 

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN . SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE F%@& ' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'

 

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

 

Wow Deja Vu!

[Old Salt]

This Christmas I'm putting mistletoe in my back pocket

so all the people who annoy me can kiss my ass!

[Old Salt]

Top ten country-western songs:

 

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

 

9. I Ain't Ever Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman (But I Woke up With a Few)

 

8. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know its Me

 

7. I've Missed You (But My Aim is Improving)

 

6. Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

 

5. I'm so Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

 

4. My Wife Ran Off With my Best Friend, and I Miss Him

 

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

 

2. She's Lookin' Better With Every Beer

 

and the no. 1 CW hit:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

[Old Salt]

Amazing simple home remedies:

 

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Old Salt]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

 

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

 

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

 

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

 

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

 

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.....everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

 

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'...............

 

So I told her to f k off.