joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

(You'll love this)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God replied: "Holy sh t! I didn't recognize you."

[Old Salt]

A guy goes to the Postal Service to apply for a job...

 

 

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

 

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

 

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

 

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

 

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles."

 

The interviewer grimaces, and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

 

 

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work-hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

 

 

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Old Salt]

The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into

Minneapolis. For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets.

 

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

 

 

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A. The Minnesota Vikings

 

Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "J#s#s Chr#st".

 

Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal post.

 

Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?

A. An Imposter.

 

Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A. Nobody knows, it's never been done

 

Q. What do the Vikings and a possum have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[Old Salt]

Q. What does a wrecked car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?

A. Neither has a title!

 

Q. Why can’t Minnesota Viking players eat cereal for breakfast?

A. Whenever they get too close to a “bowl” they choke!

 

Q. Why doesn’t Iowa have a professional football team?

A. Then Minnesota would want one too!

 

Q. What’s the difference between the Pope and the Vikings?

A. The Pope does have a prayer.

 

Q. Why can’t the Viking players do the “Lambeau Leap” after a touchdown?

A. Because those empty seats kind of hurt!

 

A. What’s the smallest room in the Metrodome?

Q. The Minnesota Vikings trophy room!

 

Q. Wy do Packer fans always invite Viking fans to their parties?

A. Because we always like “whine” with our cheese!

 

Q. Why did the National Hockey League allow Minnesota to get a franchise?

A. The fans were crying to have at least one professional team in Minnesota.

[Old Salt]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

[jokersarewild]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 

I'm offended!

 

Also, we are the greatest America, ya fuckin' commie!

[Old Salt]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 

I'm offended!

 

Also, we are the greatest America, ya fuckin' commie!

 

Here's a life-lesson, I guess. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you can't please everyone and will offend some.

[Old Salt]

I’ve just heard from a Norwegian friend in Northern Minnesota who says his wife has been somewhat annoying, lately.

 

He says it has been snowing there heavily for three days now, and this morning it was -32 degrees.

His wife has done nothing but stare through the window the whole time.

 

He said, "If she doesn't stop soon, he’ll probably have to let her in".

[Old Salt]

World's Shortest Books (Revised List)

 

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

 

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

by Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Michelle Obama

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

 

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

______________________________________

 

A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE REAL JOBS I'VE HELD

by Barack Obama

______________________________________

 

MY BOOK OF VIRTUES

by Joe Biden

____________________________________________

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

 

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

 

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

 

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

__________________

 

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

_______________________________________

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction

by the

Rev. Jesse Jackson

_______________________________________

 

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY

by Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama

[Old Salt]

My Favorite Animal

 

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

 

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

 

Guess where I am now...???

[Old Salt]

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

 

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

 

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

 

"Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

 

"NO sh t." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Old Salt]

GROANER ALERT!!!!!

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

 

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Old Salt]

Grandparents Answering Machine...

 

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.

 

<<<beeeeeppp>>>.

 

- If you are one of our children, press 1

- If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2

- If you want to borrow the car, press 3

- If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4

- If you want us to pick up the grandchildren at school, press 5

- If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 6

- If you want to come to eat here, press 7

- If you need money, press 8

- If you are going to invite us over for dinner, or ... return what you borrowed, or ... pay us back some of what you owe us -- start talking; we're listening!!"

[Old Salt]

Google Earth

 

Give this a try. It's truly amazing

 

Check out the link below. I was shocked to find EXACTLY where I am right now on Google Earth

...NOT a house or street,

But where I AM right now !

It's really unbelievable, and will find the exact location of any Internet user in a second, using a sophisticated algorithm

To do so.

 

 

http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html

[Old Salt]

Thanksgiving Divorce

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and

says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I

are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're

sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your

sister in Chicago and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck

they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

 

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my

brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU

HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,

"they're coming for Thanksgiving and their paying their own way."

[Old Salt]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the

door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an

old orange Kubota tractor.

 

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first

the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his

shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall

down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing

both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt

underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and

hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

 

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,

Billy Bob?"

 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously

embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in

the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to

a tractor'."

 

[Don't make me come explain this you. Read the last line again slowly and out loud]

[Old Salt]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do. They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?

The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[Old Salt]

WARNING - Politically Incorrect and Totally Insensitive - WARNING

 

1. In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

 

2. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

 

3. I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

 

4. A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lufkin, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

 

5. You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

6. A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

 

7. I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

 

8. Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

 

9.The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

[Old Salt]

A true story from ... "The Houston Herald Newspaper" Houston, Texas

 

 

 

Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas, was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man six times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

 

 

 

The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.

 

 

 

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work... I am a waitress at a local cafe..... I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that was in my purse that was hung over my left shoulder.

 

 

 

All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You’re not stealing my pay check and tips..."

 

 

 

I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol six times!

 

 

 

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man six times?

 

 

 

The woman replied under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went 'click.'"

 

 

 

The woman was acquitted of all charges. And she was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!

 

 

 

Now that's gun control ... In God We Trust (and Smith and Wesson).

[Old Salt]

An interesting observation:

 

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

 

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

 

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

 

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

 

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

 

And...

 

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

 

 

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

 

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[Old Salt]

Instructions if your mouse was not recalibrated for the new year.

 

 

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer. I was shocked to see how well this works!

 

 

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse.

 

 

Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anythin g

 

 

I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS ALONG TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW WELL IT WORKS.......................

[Old Salt]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic.

 

She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am driving alone'.

 

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is.' Off they went.

 

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in Pedestrian Crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty. Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?'

 

'Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!!

[Old Salt]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on

the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

 

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to

worry until the tests come back.

 

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She

immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

 

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering,

is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

 

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

 

 

 

 

"His earrings aren't real gold."

[Old Salt]

SAILORISMS

 

Me and Willy were lollygagging by the scuttlebutt after being aloft to

boy-butter up the antennas and were just perched on a bollard eyeballing

a couple of bilge rats and flangeheads using crescent hammers to pack

monkey sh t around a fitting on a handybilly. All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes

for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor

and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm

surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn't set right with either of those

gobs. The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because

he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between

decks and punch him in the snot locker. He'd probably wind up on the

binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it

the deep six to keep himself above board. We heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the

breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast and SOS ready on the mess

decks so we cut and run to avoid the clusterfuck when the twidgets and

cannon cockers knew chow was on. We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit

the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw the brow over. I had a

ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the

bar hogs with those sweet Bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown

bagging. Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a

Westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor

on amateur night. If

 

you understand this, you're true blue and gold!

 

(UNKNOWN)

[builder]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

 

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

 

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

 

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

 

He said, 'F k him. Give him a fiver.'

 

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'