joke of the day.

[eddo]

How do you keep a clown from smiling?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hit him in the face with an ax.

[RoyalOrleans]

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

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Because she was a woman.

[ImWithStupid]

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I

think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

 

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....

 

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[RoyalOrleans]

A baby seal walked into a club.

[ImWithStupid]

A baby seal walked into a club.

 

Buh dum bah

[ImWithStupid]

BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:

 

 

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

[hugo]

Little boy: Mommy, Mommy, I hate sister's guts.

Not PC Mommy: Shut up, and eat 'em while they are hot.

[ImWithStupid]

Little boy: Mommy, Mommy, I hate sister's guts.

Not PC Mommy: Shut up, and eat 'em while they are hot.

 

Umm...

 

http://Off Topic Forum.com/off-topic-bs/32065-joke-of-the-day-2.html#post85232

[Old Salt]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Bubba and Annie.

 

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

 

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my nuts and a car hit me..

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[RoyalOrleans]

An old pollack bursts into a saloon carrying a double heaping handful of horsesh!t and says, "Look at what I almost stepped in!".

[ImWithStupid]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation

has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie

and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do

not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and

this Christian Family.'

 

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and

admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart

you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was

quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic

rose from the third pew.

 

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has

been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku

Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under

the sheets.'

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation

roared.

[Old Salt]

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?

 

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

 

 

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Speaking of women's birthdays...

 

Lorena Bobbitt was in the news the other day... Apparently she got into a traffic accident.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... Yeah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...some dick cut her off...

[ImWithStupid]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going

by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect

timing. You're just like Frank.”

 

Passenger: “Who?”

 

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did

everything right all the time. Like my coming along when

you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman

every single time.”

 

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over

everybody.”

 

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.

He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf

with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced

like a Broadway star nd you should have heard him play the

piano. He was an amazing guy.”

 

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really

special.”

 

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a

computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew

all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat

them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a

fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,

he could do everything right.”

 

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

 

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic

and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get

stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he

really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He

would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;

and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly

polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a

mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

 

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

 

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.

I married his fukking widow.”

[eddo]

I married his ing widow.?

 

poor IWS, can't aviod the language filter no matter where you go.

[ImWithStupid]

poor IWS, can't aviod the language filter no matter where you go.

 

Leave me alone. Whaaaa!

[Old Salt]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going

by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ?Perfect

timing. You're just like Frank.?

 

Passenger: ?Who??

 

Cabbie: ?Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did

everything right all the time. Like my coming along when

you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman

every single time.?

 

Passenger: ?There are always a few clouds over

everybody.?

 

Cabbie: ?Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.

He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf

with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced

like a Broadway star nd you should have heard him play the

piano. He was an amazing guy.?

 

Passenger: ?Sounds like he was something really

special.?

 

Cabbie: ?There's more... He had a memory like a

computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew

all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat

them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a

fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,

he could do everything right.?

 

Passenger: ?Wow, some guy then.?

 

Cabbie: ?He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic

and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get

stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he

really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He

would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;

and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly

polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a

mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.?

 

Passenger: ?An amazing fellow. How did you meet him??

 

Cabbie: ?Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.

I married his fukking widow.?

You beat me to it. I was gonna post this one. You must be getting your jokes from the same place I am.

[Old Salt]

Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

 

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

 

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .

 

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

 

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

 

 

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

 

 

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

 

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

 

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

 

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

 

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

 

 

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

 

 

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

 

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"

 

 

 

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

 

 

 

Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more.!

[Old Salt]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having sex."

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

[ImWithStupid]

I didn't check the facts on this, it's a damn joke so leave me alone if it isn't true...

 

 

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60

years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO)

with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just

outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many

say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal

agencies and organizations.

 

 

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,

nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

 

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

 

Hillary Rodham

 

John F. Kerry

 

William J. Clinton

 

Howard Dean

 

Nancy Pelosi

 

Dianne Feinstein

 

Charles E. Schumer

 

Barbara Boxer

 

 

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

 

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having sex."

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

 

I didn't check the facts on this, it's a damn joke so leave me alone if it isn't true...

 

both of these were freakin hilarious.

[Old Salt]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

 

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

Things went downhill from there.

[ImWithStupid]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

 

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

Things went downhill from there.

 

That one's funny as hell. I've heard it before but laugh every time.

[eddo]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

 

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

Things went downhill from there.

 

it's supposed to be bigger than a AAA battery???

 

[ImWithStupid]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very drunk

at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

 

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"

 

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a

twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone

threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even

drunker.

 

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to

give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and

you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're

disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,

Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain

everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla

drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one

too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes

was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the

cleaning bill!"

 

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,

"But this is forty bucks..."

 

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my

pants, too.