joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

 

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

 

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

 

3. No one expects you to run-- anywhere.

 

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

 

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

 

9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 

13. You sing along with elevator music.

 

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

 

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

 

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[emkay64]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

 

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".

 

"Fuk me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

 

Patient replies I've been fukked by an elephant".

 

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

 

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

[emkay64]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

 

A quarter pounder with cheese.

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ok...I'm done now.

[Old Salt]

I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania). The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days. All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:

 

$800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum).

 

- M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 mm armor-piercing ammo at $15.95

 

- Ak-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 mm com block ball ammo at $14.95

 

- Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $29.95.

 

- Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).

 

- They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads.

 

- Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.

 

- Free complimentary night vision equipment.

 

 

Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Coffee and snacks on the Lido (top) deck from 7pm-6am

 

They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back if not satisfied.

 

 

Text from the ad:

 

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. "We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

 

 

Here are a few testimonials:

 

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!"

 

---- Stan, Denver, CO USA

 

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again."

 

----Lars, Hamburg, Germany

 

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English."

---- Ned, Salt Lake City, Utah USA

 

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their crappy aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam."

----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo, Ohio USA.

 

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do."

----Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Kentucky USA

[Jhony5]

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a saber tooth tiger?

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know, but you had better keep it away from your ass.

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Funny Link

[Jhony5]

May I present, The Grapist.

 

 

 

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY]YouTube - WKUK-Grapist[/ame]

[Old Salt]

THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY!

 

1. GOOD: Your wife is pregnant. BAD: it's triplets. UGLY: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

2. GOOD: Your wife's not talking to you. BAD: She wants a divorce. UGLY: She's a lawyer.

 

3. GOOD: Your youngest son is finally maturing. BAD: He's involved with the woman next door. UGLY: So are you.

 

4. GOOD: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. BAD: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. UGLY: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

 

5. GOOD: Your oldest son understands fashion. BAD: He's a cross-dresser. UGLY: He looks better than your wife.

 

6. GOOD: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. BAD: She keeps interrupting. UGLY: With corrections.

 

7. GOOD: Your son is dating someone new. BAD: It's another man. UGLY: He's your best friend.

 

8. GOOD: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job BAD: As a hooker. UGLY: Your co-workers are her best clients. VERY UGLY: She makes more money than you do.

[RoyalOrleans]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fukking his wife.

 

He asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"

 

His wife turns to the stranger to reply, "I told you he was stupid.".

[eddo]

A man once said,

"A black man will be president when pigs fly..."

 

 

sure enough...

 

100 days into the presidency- swine flu!

[RoyalOrleans]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

 

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

 

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

 

"What about that eye patch?"

 

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh!t in my eye."

 

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh!t."

 

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Old Salt]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

 

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

 

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

 

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

 

He responds warmly.

 

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

 

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

 

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

 

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

 

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Chi]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

 

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

 

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

 

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

 

He responds warmly.

 

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

 

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

 

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

 

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

 

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

What kind of lame woman would find a man with a ton of teddy bears adorable? That is SO queer and creepy!! Sorry, on with the jokes.. Just saying...

[ImWithStupid]

What kind of lame woman would find a man with a ton of teddy bears adorable? That is SO queer and creepy!! Sorry, on with the jokes.. Just saying...

 

... says the girl with the gay boyfriend.

[Old Salt]

He just got in touch with his feminine side.

[Old Salt]

So... A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and say "Hey buddy do you know that you have a steering wheel between your legs?" and the pirate looks at him and says "AAARRRR and it's drivin' me nuts"

[Old Salt]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

 

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

 

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

 

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

 

'And here I am.'

 

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!

[Old Salt]

What kind of lame woman would find a man with a ton of teddy bears adorable? That is SO queer and creepy!! Sorry, on with the jokes.. Just saying...

The guy might have worked on a carnival fairway.

[Old Salt]

. Edited April 2, 2016 by rem

[Old Salt]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

 

: ) means a smile and

 

: ( is a frown.

 

Sometimes these are represented by

 

:-)

 

:-(

 

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

 

 

(_!_) a regular ass

 

 

(__!__) a fat ass

 

 

(!) a tight ass

 

 

(_ _) a sore ass

 

 

{_!_} a swishy ass

 

 

(_o_) an ass that's been around

 

 

 

(_x_) kiss my ass

 

 

(_X_) leave my ass alone

 

 

(_zzz_) a tired ass

 

 

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

 

 

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

 

 

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

You have just been e-mooned!

[Old Salt]

World's shortest books:

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

 

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

 

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

 

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

 

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

 

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

 

A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

 

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

 

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________

 

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

 

with introduction

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

 

 

AND, JUST ADDED:

 

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[eddo]

World's shortest books:

[/center]

 

can also add:

 

WHAT EDDO UNDERSTANDS ABOUT WOMEN

by eddo

 

[Old Salt]

Skinny Dipping

 

 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back.

 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

 

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

 

Some old men can still think fast.

[Chi]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."

Intrigued, he walks in.

"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I?ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog?s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, "Because he?s a liar! He never did any of that!"

[Chi]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."