joke of the day.

[Chi]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

[Chi]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

[Chi]

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40 Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

[snafu]

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40 Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

 

Hay that's not funny!

[Chopper]

I once asked a blacksmith "If he'd ever shooed a horse ?" He said "No but I once told a pig to piss off "

[Old Salt]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

 

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Old Salt]

. Edited April 2, 2016 by rem

[Old Salt]

The PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists and Somali pirates. The implant is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead. When properly implanted it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

 

It comes in various sizes;

 

.

 

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well trained and highly skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, arre temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

 

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

 

Best Regards

US Navy Seals, and Marines

Edited April 2, 2016 by rem

[Old Salt]

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he' s too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

 

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

 

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

 

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

 

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers . The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46. '

 

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

 

7. Beware of the citizen who only has one gun. THEY PROBABLY KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!

 

8. I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I replied , 'Of course it' s loaded - it doesn't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not at all. I' m not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they' re all loaded , too.'

[snafu]

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he' s too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

 

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

 

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

 

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

 

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers . The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46. '

 

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

 

7. Beware of the citizen who only has one gun. THEY PROBABLY KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!

 

8. I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I replied , 'Of course it' s loaded - it doesn't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not at all. I' m not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they' re all loaded , too.'

 

LMAO!

 

 

Yeah and they're funny because they're true.

[Ahhlee]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

 

He wiped his butt.

[Old Salt]

The Economy Is So Bad...

 

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

...Beautiful women are marrying for love.

 

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 

...A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

 

...The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 

...Motel Six won't leave the light on.

 

...The Mob is laying off judges.

[ImWithStupid]

Now if we could get the unions to lay off the politicians, we'd be better set up for a turn around in the economy.

[Old Salt]

A Port Authority of NY and NJ Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light.

 

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

 

The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

 

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

 

He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

 

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

 

The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!"

 

Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. (the usual bull )

 

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

 

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

 

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

 

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

 

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

 

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

 

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

 

Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

 

Officer: "Yes Sir."

 

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

 

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

[Old Salt]

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones, back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

 

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You've been listening to your iPod!!! :o

[Old Salt]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph...' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken..'

 

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

 

'Never,' said Ralph.

 

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster . 'It's no big deal.'

 

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

 

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

 

'Ralph! Wake up. You sh!t the bed!'

[Chopper]

ME for being a bit of a !

[Old Salt]

Nutrition and Health...

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Old Salt]

A highly esteemed Third grade teacher at a Kentucky County Elementary School. In an effort to prepare the students for the all-important TAKS test, compiled an exam Consisting of 20 questions, which was administered to the class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.

 

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

 

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:

 

 

 

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________

 

 

 

 

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. SQUIRREL SEASON

 

 

2. DEER SEASON

 

 

3. RABBIT SEASON

 

 

4. TURKEY SEASON

 

 

 

GOD

BLESS

Kentucky ....

[Old Salt]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

[Old Salt]

Church Rules.........

 

A couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and The husband was obviously very depressed. You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly...

 

The pastor asked him what happened.

 

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed t o abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'admitted the man, shamefacedly.

 

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly,'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'

[Old Salt]

Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma

 

 

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

 

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

 

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

 

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

 

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Chopper]

Your posts render my day bearable ! I Thank You !

[mercury]

Chopper.

.

.

[Old Salt]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

 

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

 

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

 

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?