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Posted

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

 

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

 

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

 

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

 

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

 

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'

 

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

 

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

 

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

 

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

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Posted

Jack and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Jack didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Jack .

 

But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Jack! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Jack , what in the world happened to you?'

 

Jack replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Jack said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 75 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled 'guilty.'

 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!

Posted

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

 

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

 

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

'Oh, no,everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

 

'Hasn't affected my brothers though'

Posted

There's a background to everything, I guess.

 

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

 

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

 

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

 

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

 

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

  • Like 1
Posted

sh te ↑ You have disappointed me OS

Not even funny

I shall have to take it out on other forum members on other forums !

Be it on your head ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

..... I see sh te is not allowed - hence the edit

You know what? I don't care about you opinion. Go take a piss on an electric outlet
Posted

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

 

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

 

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

 

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

 

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

 

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

 

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

 

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

Posted

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

 

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

 

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

 

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

 

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Posted

PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly

 

Thu Jun 18, 7:28 am ET

WASHINGTON – The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

 

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

 

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

 

During an interview for CNBC at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama's conversation with correspondent John Harwood.

 

"Get out of here," the president told the pesky insect. When it didn't, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked it dead.

 

"Now, where were we?" Obama asked Harwood. Then he added: "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker."

 

Friedrich said that PETA was pleased with Obama's voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.

 

Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we're happy to say that we wish he hadn't."

 

Deputy press secretary Josh Earnest said the White House has no comment on the matter.

 

 

What's sad is this is true and not really a joke.

Posted
PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly.......

 

 

What's sad is this is true and not really a joke.

 

I?m a mosquito murderer.

"You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller

 

NEVER FORGOTTEN

Posted
I’m a mosquito murderer.

 

Mosquitoes, flies, roaches and the like should all be killed. They're gross, useless, nothing but pests & disease-carriers.

Posted

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

 

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

 

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

 

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

 

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know...they have frozen glasses"

 

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

 

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

 

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

 

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH!T! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH!T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

 

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

 

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !

Posted

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

 

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies..'

 

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

 

I was equally outraged.

 

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife

 

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

 

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

 

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

 

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

 

We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

 

'It's breech,' my wife whispered , horrified.

 

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

 

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.

 

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

 

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze ,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

 

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

 

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ..um .Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.

 

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..

 

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

 

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50.

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

Posted

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars ?1 (about $1.40) and coaches ?5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

 

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

 

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

 

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

 

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

 

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

 

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at ?400 (about $620) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over ?3.6 million ($7.6 million)!

 

And no one even knows his name ..........................................

 

No wonder the fellow was so pleasant!

Posted

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well . . . You'll love this one. My name is Alice , and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

 

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

 

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

 

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

 

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

 

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

 

He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'

 

'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

 

He looked at me closely.

 

Then, that ugly,

 

old,

 

bald,

 

wrinkled faced,

 

fat-assed,

 

gray-haired,

 

decrepit,

 

son-of-a-bitch

 

asked,

 

'What did you teach???

Posted

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

 

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

 

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

 

-----

 

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

-----

 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

-----

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but, By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

-----

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

-----

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

 

-----

 

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

 

-----

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

 

Grant me the senility to forget the people

 

I never liked anyway,

 

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

 

The eyesight to tell the difference.

 

-----

 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

 

-----

 

Always Remember This:

 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Posted

Creation...

 

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

 

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

 

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Posted

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

 

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.

 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often

is bothersome. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

 

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Coffee this morning, sir?"

Posted

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

 

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

 

The results:

 

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

 

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

 

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

 

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

 

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.

 

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

 

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

 

PART B: THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

 

MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

 

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

 

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

 

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

 

White Zinfandel: He's gay

Posted

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment

when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and

drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other

five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and

asks, "Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it

be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell

him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen

you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks

on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to

come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's

wife. I'll go tell him." says Gallagher..

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like

he'd just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his

nose is broken , his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a

limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

 

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night

and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun..."

Posted

I didn't check this out on Snopes but its funny wether it is true or not.

 

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

 

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..''

 

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa''

 

Her response -- click.

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

 

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.

 

I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hou r layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

 

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

 

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

 

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

 

She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

 

After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

 

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida ... Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

 

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

 

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

 

When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York''. I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

 

Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. "Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

 

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

 

Could anyone be this DUMB?

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around!

Posted

I believe every one of those. Especially after knowing of this idiot Florida State Senator...

 

Florida's Senate was reviewing a bill yesterday that would outlaw bestiality but allow practices like dog shows and animal husbandry to continue. And we'll let the St. Petersburg Times take it from here...

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

 

 

"People are taking these animals as their husbands? What's husbandry?" she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Chairman Charlie Dean explained that husbandry it was the rearing and caring of animals.

 

 

Bullard didn't get it.

 

 

"So that maybe have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?" Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman's suburban chimpanzee want mad and was shot.

 

 

"I'm not familiar with that particular incident or case," Dean said.

Florida Lawmaker Takes On Human/Animal Marriages -- Politics Daily
Posted

What did the mom say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

 

 

 

"Would you mind moving? You're in my son..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to soon? :)

I'm trusted by more women.
Posted

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

 

 

One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with-

and the other you carry your groceries in...

I'm trusted by more women.

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