joke of the day.

[Ahhlee]

What?s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

 

 

One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with-

and the other you carry your groceries in...

 

That is SO my new favorite MJ joke!

[Old Salt]

After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!

 

Back on earth at that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead.

 

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone to make a pitch for him to God.

 

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...

[Old Salt]

Heard at his funeral it will be the Vienna Boys Choir singing the duet done by Michael and Elton John called " DON'T LET YOUR SON GO DOWN ON ME"....

[timesjoke]

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?

 

 

It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing.

[Old Salt]

Off the MJ topic:

 

Who's funnier, teachers or cops?

 

Teachers

 

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!

 

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

 

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

 

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

 

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

 

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

 

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

 

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others

 

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

 

 

Cops

 

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!

 

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

 

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

 

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

 

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

 

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

 

11. 'You don't kno w how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

 

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

 

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

 

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

 

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey sh!t.'

 

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

 

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

 

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

 

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

 

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'

 

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

 

 

 

'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here

[timesjoke]

'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here

 

 

Ouch........ that would make a pint of ben and jerry's dissapear in the blink of an eye, lol.

[Old Salt]

A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

 

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch...

 

The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

 

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Old Salt]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas . When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

 

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

 

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

 

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

 

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

 

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

 

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

 

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

 

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."

 

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

 

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

 

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

 

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

 

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

 

At the bar, as they sipped their tails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[Old Salt]

TOP TEN INDICATIONS

 

... THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO THE PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

 

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

 

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

 

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

 

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

 

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

 

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

[Old Salt]

One particular Sunday sermon:

 

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

 

He would have continued but at that moment a little girl who was listening leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[Old Salt]

Say what you will, but MJ is still the ultimate proof that America is the greatest country in the world.

 

Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.

[Old Salt]

The nun and the hippie:

 

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

 

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

 

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

 

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

 

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

 

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

 

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

 

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.

 

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

 

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

[Old Salt]

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven;

 

God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

 

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''

 

God thinks for a second and says, "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

 

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

 

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

 

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

 

Then God addresses Barack. "Barack, what do you believe in?"

 

He replies, "I believe you're in my chair."

[Old Salt]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?? Murphy replied. "I?m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

[Old Salt]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

 

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

 

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

 

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered..

 

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'

 

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

 

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

 

'I'd like her,' he said..

 

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

 

NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO industry

[Old Salt]

The Rodeo Position

 

 

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

 

One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

 

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

 

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's. '

 

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[Old Salt]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Old Salt]

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock

 

(MADE IN JAPAN )

 

for 6 am.

 

While his coffeepot

 

 

(MADE IN CHINA )

 

 

was perking, he shaved with his

 

 

electric razor.

 

 

(MADE IN HONG KONG )

 

 

He put on a

 

 

dress shirt

 

 

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),

 

 

designer jeans

 

 

(MADE IN SINGAPORE )

 

 

and

 

 

tennis shoes

 

 

(MADE IN KOREA) .

 

 

After cooking his breakfast in his new

 

 

electric skillet

 

 

(MADE IN INDIA ) ,

 

 

he sat down with his

 

 

calculator

 

 

(MADE IN MEXICO )

 

 

to see how much he could spend today.

 

 

After setting his

 

 

watch

 

 

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

 

 

to the radio

 

 

(MADE IN INDIA )

 

 

he got in his car

 

 

(MADE IN GERMANY )

 

 

filled it with GAS

 

 

(from Saudi Arabia )

 

 

and continued his search

 

 

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

 

 

At the end of yet another discouraging

 

 

and fruitless day

 

 

checking his

 

 

Computer

 

 

(made in MALAYSIA ),

 

 

John decided to relax for a while.

 

 

He put on his sandals

 

 

(MADE IN BRAZIL )

 

 

poured himself a glass of

 

 

wine

 

 

(MADE IN FRANCE )

 

 

and turned on his

 

 

TV

 

 

(MADE IN INDONESIA )

 

 

and then wondered why he can't

 

 

find a good paying job

 

 

in AMERICA .

 

 

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

 

 

MADE IN KENYA .

[Old Salt]

Dear Diary:

 

May 30th: My husband and I just moved to Hattiesburg , Mississippi from up North. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

 

June 10th: It?s really heating up. Got to 100 today! Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

 

June 14th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for us! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 

June 30th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

 

July 10th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 15th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and was swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

 

July 20th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts!

 

July 21st: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 

July 22nd: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Dumb repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city!

 

July 23rd: If another wiseass cracks "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

 

July 24th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

 

July 25th: The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. How can it WARM UP when it?s already 1000 freakin? degrees? Doesn't it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool! Even the cactus can't live in this heat!

 

July 26th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

 

My husband had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

 

Dang South! WHAT KIND OF A SICK DEMENTED PERSON WOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE!?!??!!

[Old Salt]

THE RECIPE

 

 

I knew it! I knew they would finally

 

 

release the ingredients in Viagra!

 

 

 

 

 

3% Vitamin E

 

 

2% Aspirin

 

 

2% Ibuprofen

 

 

1% Vitamin C

 

 

5% Spray Starch

 

 

87% Fix-A-Flat

[ImWithStupid]

A man is sitting in a bar in Texas, when Barack Obama comes on TV.

 

 

 

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass!"

 

 

 

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

 

 

 

He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

 

 

 

 

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"

 

 

 

Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

 

 

 

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it you all really respect Obama around here?"

 

 

 

"Nope." replies the bartender. "We really respect horses around here!"

[Old Salt]

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

 

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

 

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

 

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

 

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

 

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

 

"Lard ass."

[Old Salt]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

 

She answered ...

 

(Scroll down - This is great)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'THE TEETH.'

[Old Salt]

That's How the Fight Started...

 

 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

 

 

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust".

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

 

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

 

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said..

 

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

 

'No,' she answered.

 

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

 

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 

And that's when the fight started.....

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

 

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

 

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

 

And that's when the fight started.....

[Old Salt]

HEALTLH INSURANCE EXPLAINED

 

Q. What does HMO stand for?

 

A.. This is actually a variation of the phrase, ?HEY MOE.? Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

 

 

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

 

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don?t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day?s drive away and a diploma from a third world country..

 

 

 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

 

A. No. Only those you need.

 

 

 

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

 

A. Certainly, as long as they don?t require any treatment.

 

 

 

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

 

A. You?ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 

 

 

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

 

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 

 

 

Q. What if I?m away from home and I get sick?

 

A. You really shouldn?t do that.

 

 

 

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

 

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you?re risking is the $20 co-payment, there?s no harm in giving it a shot.

 

 

 

Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?

 

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

 

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about medical insurance