So you think she'll get tired of me?

[snafu]

OK you all know me.

 

I spend most of my time on line flirting with the babe's we have around here. And we have a few. The rest of the time I work. My better half works for the same company as I do and we have even worked together. We've had our ups and downs.

Well being the lush that I am I pretty much screwed up the first, no wait the middle some odd years of our 16 years of marriage. She has had a shall we say a corrupted child life and so I put some of my odyssey toward that. Needles to say my love life needs a boost. I did get my "I love you too" back today which I haven't heard for quite sometime, so that's a plus.

The better half has to work nights now because of the economic crunch and they have to consolidated workers. I'm sparred because of seniority and the job I hold so I'll stay on days. So now it's gonna be harder to see each other.

 

 

 

My point of this thread is why?

 

Why dose she put up with me and why do I hang on and visa versa?

Is it age?

Conditioning?

Convenience?

Love?

 

I Know your not supposed to open like this on then net but hay, I got a buzz on so I won't be able to regret it until tomorrow.

 

 

Funny thing we get along so well texting.

Oh thanks for the help you guys.

 

 

Anyway what's your story? ........

 

 

 

 

 

Lets see who can open up like that!

[phreakwars]

I have always maintained, that there is no such thing as love. You simply find the person who will tolerate your shiit more then anyone else, and that's the person for you.

.

.

[Chi]

No idea, Snaf. I don't even have the answers for myself. Plus, I've become a bit of a jaded bastard when it comes to such things. I used to believe in the one and all that, but not so much anymore. Sometimes I believe I am destined to die alone.

[emkay64]

aww Snaf...put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard. You know the answers. I can't answer if it's convenience or love...but if it's the former...you need to move on to be truly happy.

 

Don't be such a bunch of cynics...there's someone for everyone...maybe even two or three .

[mercury]

Well. I think the answers to all those questions are different for everyone. We all have certain things we will tolerate because there's some kind of payoff for us underneath it all. Sometimes that payoff is being allowed to stick in our rut and in the situation we've grown comfortable with.

 

Take me for instance... I'm convinced I stick around out of love, but who really knows? Sometimes I think it's convenience and sometimes I think it's compatibility. Sometimes I think it's just too hard to start over, yet again. And sometimes that idea sounds really exciting.

 

My husband has a rather addictive personality that has made it's rounds from alcohol, to pills, to the latest: work. I admire a lot of his traits, but others piss me right off... I tell myself that it's because of our children and the fact that he really does value his family, I tolerate a lot of the other stuff. I'm not always silent about it, but I do put up with it.

 

The best person to gleen this insight from is your wife, Snaf. Communication is highly underrated, especially by those of your gender

[snafu]

I think there for a while it was because of the kids that we stuck it out. Now that they're getting older it isn?t that so much and I want to re kindle what we had but don't know really how to go about it.

I?m not one to spend my life alone and I don?t really want to go on the hunt again. When we retire my wife wants to move to somewhere warm and I love Alaska to much. I think I can give up the winters though.

I guess the answer is all of the above. I love her and it is convenient.

[mercury]

Getting that spark back after concentrating on raising a family for so long can be really hard. It's like we forget about all those things that brought us together in the first place and we have to learn to know each other all over again. I've heard it said that the secret to a happy marriage is falling in love with the same person everyday.

 

Do some nice things for her when you are together: bring her some flowers for no reason (and don't expect her to put out later that night), give her a back rub (and don't let your hands wander into it being a chest rub), make her a nice dinner, or take her out for one. Make an effort to take an interest in the things that interest her. Take out the garbage before she asks. Vacuum the living room. Use your time away from each other to make her life a little less stressful. I'm sure she's done the same for you over the years Those little household things can be a great aphrodisiac.

 

And I'll tell you, the thing that turns me on most? The lack of expectation for return "favors". If he's doing something for me just so I'll feel like I owe him something, I have no desire for him, whatsoever. If he's doing something just because he loves me and doesn't push the issue, I get hornier than a goat! And I can always tell the difference.

[eddo]

Love isn't a feeling, it is a verb- that is sometimes accompanied by a feeling.

 

Sometimes it's convenient. Sometimes it's comfortable. Sometimes it's a struggle. When it's a struggle is when you have to work harder- and that goes for both parties.

 

Look at the Biblical definition of love:

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

No talk of fuzzy warm feelings. No talk of looking good. But lots of talk about putting the other person before yourself- an action that isn't very easy for us to do.

 

 

 

A book that my pastor HIGHLY recommends to those struggling in marriage is "The Love Dare". I've seen it, and the principles within it save a couple marriages in our church.

 

Good luck Snafu.

[Chi]

If you want to spark back the romance I think you need to start (if you aren't already) making her feel sexy and desirable again. You do that and she will probably take steps to really make herself sexy and desirable for you.

 

And Merc hit the nail right on the head about not doing nice things for her just to get something out of her or as a favor. That is really irritating and pisses us off. When a guy is selfless it makes us be selfless and return the favor on our own for you being sweet (unless the girl is a bitch then you're sol-lol.)

[snafu]

If you want to spark back the romance I think you need to start (if you aren't already) making her feel sexy and desirable again. You do that and she will probably take steps to really make herself sexy and desirable for you.

 

And Merc hit the nail right on the head about not doing nice things for her just to get something out of her or as a favor. That is really irritating and pisses us off. When a guy is selfless it makes us be selfless and return the favor on our own for you being sweet (unless the girl is a bitch then you're sol-lol.)

 

When I married her I promised I would tell her I love her everyday for the rest of our life's. I truly tried.

When I wasn't getting it back I stopped. I started back a few years back but still wasn't getting it back in return. That hurt a lot but I was partially to blame too being numb at the brain.

 

I do tell her how fine she looks and give her kudos as much as I can because it's true she is fine. I've made a lot of effort but I have a lot of ground to gain back.

[Chi]

When I married her I promised I would tell her I love her everyday for the rest of our life's. I truly tried.

When I wasn't getting it back I stopped. I started back a few years back but still wasn't getting it back in return. That hurt a lot but I was partially to blame too being numb at the brain.

 

I do tell her how fine she looks and give her kudos as much as I can because it's true she is fine. I've made a lot of effort but I have a lot of ground to gain back.

 

Well I don't know what the problem in then. That's bogus that she won't say I love you back. Have you asked her why? So if she still mad/resentful about when you messed up half way through your marriage or whatever? If you don't mind me asking or you sharing, is what you did cheat or what was it that you did exactly?

[mercury]

That can be hard, snaf. Us women have long memories and can hold strong grudges. All you can do is try your best to let her know how much she means to you.

[snafu]

Well I don't know what the problem in then. That's bogus that she won't say I love you back. Have you asked her why? So if she still mad/resentful about when you messed up half way through your marriage or whatever? If you don't mind me asking or you sharing, is what you did cheat or what was it that you did exactly?

 

That can be hard, snaf. Us women have long memories and can hold strong grudges. All you can do is try your best to let her know how much she means to you.

 

I was self medicating myself. I never cheated on her or anything. I just wasn't there in mind and spirit. Yes you women do have long memories!

[Ahhlee]

I know nothing of love and would feel like a hypocrite if I tried to offer you advice on said matter.

 

But one thing I DO know is that foreplay begins in the mind. Stimulate her noggin first, and the rest will all fall into place.

[Ahhlee]

I guess I can offer some general advice based on a book I once read.

 

According to "The Five Love Languages", there are 5 distinct ways that people both show and like to receive love. They are:

 

1) Words of affirmation

2) Quality time

3) Receiving gifts

4) Acts of service

5) Physical touch

 

 

Perhaps the two of you are at odds in this department? Just a thought.

[snafu]

I guess I can offer some general advice based on a book I once read.

 

According to "The Five Love Languages", there are 5 distinct ways that people both show and like to receive love. They are:

 

1) Words of affirmation

2) Quality time

3) Receiving gifts

4) Acts of service

5) Physical touch

 

 

Perhaps the two of you are at odds in this department? Just a thought.

 

 

Hay that's me! I want all of that!

 

1) I tell the I love her as much as possible. Not as often as I promised but I wasn't getting it in return so it's hard.

 

2) She likes to shop and I like to ride my bike. They don't mix but I did go shopping with the other day for groceries and I did see a twinkle in her eye.

 

3) She's got the check book. She can buy what ever she wants and I'm OK with it.

 

4) hmmm........ I mow the lawn and take out the garbage dose that count?

 

5) We're lacking in that department. I find that even when we go out to eat either she or I will sit on the side of the booth with my son. I guess its the elbow room I'm not sure.

[eddo]

3) Receiving gifts.

 

3) She's got the check book. She can buy what ever she wants and I'm OK with it.

 

 

 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the same thing Snaf, ole' buddy.

[mercury]

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the same thing Snaf, ole' buddy.

 

Nope, it's sure not. We like to be shown that you care enough to take your time to do that yourself, were willing to brave the mall crowd for us, or willing to be uncomfortable and out of your element for a few moments, that you've paid attention to what we've said we would like, and that YOU feel we're worth the expense. Do it FOR HER, just because. Buying for yourself gets old.

 

 

All of us have these same needs, Snaf, but each of us puts the priority of them in a different order. Which of those things do you think she values most? Figure it out (or maybe even talk to her about it) and charge ahead.

 

You can get a good overview here: The Five Love Languages

[emkay64]

Each of the five things don't have to be grandiose gestures.

 

I love you...is all fine and good...but if it's thrown out there time and time again because you don't know what else to say...it loses it's luster. Sometimes it's smaller than those big words...like "hey...nice ass"!! lol

 

Gifts and buying your own stuff are not the same thing. I can buy my own tulips, sure...but it means more if I get poppies from the person I care about...because they are my favorite...not because they were near the checkout on the way out the store (the fact you went out of your way to get them...speaks volumes).

 

Quality time...does not mean dates. I equate quality time with doing the dishes together, cooking a meal together, reading aloud (I love doing it...him not so much but he listens)...just some time spent where one of us doesn't leave the room for other things.

 

Acts of service...do something you don't normally do...maybe a job she hates...and switch it up. Maybe tell her to take the day and get her hair done, manicure or something you suggest. When she comes home have the house clean and a meal underway...after all we do that for you. It doesn't have to be all the time...just change it up...do something different.

 

Physical Touch is good when it means sex, but sometimes if I'm feeling disconnected...I'm not putting out! Arms slipped around while I'm cleaning the kitchen, or a hand placed over mine when we watch tv is sometimes more meaningful...because it means they were thinking about me right at that second...not just how I can help him get off.

 

Pretend you are dating again...and want her to fall for you...what would you do?

[snafu]

Yeah I guess I could think of something she would like. But she already gets her nails done when she wants and she goes tanning when she wants. She's bought all the flowers for the front yard already and I even put up those rubber guards all the way around for her. Her brother did tell me that she has noticed I'm not so lazy and have been doing things for her. I cleaned the garage out and took a load of crap to the dump too (nothing she would be pissed about me getting rid of;))

 

 

She did really well on her diet and I've told her a few times how fantastic she looks. I even told her she way finer than her friend that talked her into this diet in the first place. And she dose. She tells me no, no Amanda’s way cuter but I don’t think so.

 

Lord knows I'm tring.

[mercury]

take her shopping for a new outfit to show off her new figure... then out to dinner to show her off

 

And snaf... I'll tell ya one thing that Chris brought home to me one day that melted my heart: pencil shavings. He sharped his carpenter's pencil with a sharpener, rather than a pocket knife, for the first time ever, and he thought I could do something cool with the savings that came out of it. I realized that "he gets me."

[atlantic]

Most married couples I know stay together for the kids (if they are underage).

Pretty much everyone in my neighborhood does everything seperately, trips, everyday life, different schedules such as yourself.

They all complain about the other spouse. Seems to me they don't make enough time to do the little things that really matter. Or they are cheating and making excuses for it.

 

 

You need the element of surprise. Show up at her lunch with flowers and take her to lunch by a river or somewhere outdoors so you can really talk. Get back to basics. If her lunch is too short, make it dinner.

 

If you're kids are older and she's still there, you still have hope

 

 

No woman gets tired of a truly kind and loving man

[Old Salt]

A nice bouquet of flowers delivered to her at work, with her co-workers looking on, doesn't hurt either. And since you're on opposite shifts, you can make arrangements with the florist to deliver them while you're asleep. Plants are nice, and last longer, but they just don't have that zing that cut flowers do.

[atlantic]

Or a note left on her windshield wipers. They could even be hand-picked flowers. It's the thought that matters.

 

Also, while you're at the picnic, make sure to look her in the eye and apologize for checking out on her so she knows you really mean it.

 

Communication is key to any relationship. Whether it's physical, or verbal.

 

Once a man apologizes too he must not slip back into old habits or the relationship is doomed.

 

Knowing you CB I know you will do the right thing. Now go pack that picnic lunch

[Ahhlee]

Start her car for her, scrape her windows and clean out the drive with your new snowblower.

 

Right, IWS?