Barack, Can We Talk?

[ImWithStupid]

Barack, Can We Talk?

 

Barack, can we, uh, talk for a few minutes?

 

Oh, nothing. It's just that it just seems we haven't had a chance to talk for a while. I mean, I know we've both been busy for the past year or so. You with your fundraisers and golfing and stuff, and me with all those appointments at the unemployment office. But you know I think it's important in a relationship like ours to keep the lines of communication open.

 

So anyway, I've been think that... look, this is really hard. God. Do you remember when we met at that big party in Denver back in 08? I mean when I saw you across that crowded convention floor, it was like, Oh My God. I don't think I ever saw anything like you before. I was on the rebound from a bad relationship and you were so tall and articulate and, well hot. And then I couldn't believe that of all the democracies in the room you picked me out!

 

Yeah I know my some of my friends warned me you were trouble, and that it was the alcohol talking. But I knew that if we gave it a chance we could make it work. You and me, together. And after you moved in, I really think we did for a while. I mean, you've really helped me get over my inhibitions and hangups, and I like to think I've really helped you grow and discover yourself. Like last year when I lent you $800 billion to pay for your demo tape and new rims for the Cadillac.

 

No, no. I'm not asking for the money back now, Paul Krugman told me you're good for it. And please don't think I don't appreciate all the constructive criticism. It's important for me to know when I'm not meeting your needs and when I'm holding you back. Look, I know I'm not the prettiest democracy in the hemisphere, and I really can't blame you when your eyes wander to Spain or Venezuela. It's just been kind of hard to pay attention to my appearance since losing my job.

 

Speaking of that, Mr. Hu called again today about the rent. I don't mean to be a nag, but did you get a chance to drop my check off? Oh yeah, the baillout thing with Goldman Sacks. Yeah, I guess you did mention that. Oh well, I'll call Mr. Hu and see if he'll take another IOU till the 15th.

 

Where was I? Oh yeah. I guess what I was trying to say is that those early days were magical. But, well, maybe magic isn't the best basis for a... sh t. Look, maybe the best way to do this is just come out and say it. I think it's best if we take a break.

 

There, I said it.

 

Come... come on Barack, please don't be that way. And don't act so surprised, I mean you must have at least seen some of the approval rating signs. Tea Party? No, Tea Party didn't put me up to this. Yeah, sure I've see him around the neighborhood. I mean, what am I supposed to do while you're off vacationing with your friends? Sit around this place without a job and watch MSNBC? No, it's platonic. So far. And for your information, Tea isn't the retarded Nazi racist loser your friends are always painting him to be. And guess what? He listens to me and seems to like me for what I am, and doesn't expect me to wear that stupid complicated Scandinavian nurse outfit like you gave me for Christmas. By the way, the charge card bill from Frederick's of Stockholm just arrived yesterday. $1 trillion, Barack? Really?

 

Look, let's be civil adults and not let this descend into yelling. It's really not you, it's me. We both know you deserve a better democracy than me. I mean, let's face it - you're cool and urbane and Euro and sexy; I'm frumpy and overweight and not that bright. You've said so plenty of times yourself. And you're probably right that I'll never quite understand you. But I think I know you well enough now to understand you'd be happier with a different country to govern.

 

Tax cut? Please Barack, I appreciate the gesture, but it's a little late for romantic gifts. Don't embarrass both of us. Let's just go on from here and remember the good times. Don't worry about me. I know it'll be hard, but I need to show myself I can make it without you. Somehow.

 

In the meantime, we'll always have Denver.

 

 

http://iowahawk.type...an-we-talk.html

[timesjoke]

I wish, lol.

 

Unfotunately I see a long and complicated divorce complete with thrown dishes and even a battle over who gets the cat.

[builder]

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

 

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

Are you proud?

 

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me why?

 

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

How can you say

No child is left behind?

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

 

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

 

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye?

 

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Minimum wage with a baby on the way

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

Oh

 

How do you sleep at night?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

[timesjoke]

Another great example of how the progressives believe a conservative does not care about people if they are not spending money on free handouts, money we don't have to spend......

 

Thanks Builder for making it very clear that the only thing progressives care about is handouts, lol.

 

 

 

By the way, I love the ending,

 

Hard Work

Hard Work

Hard Work

 

 

Can you name a private sector job Obama has worked "hard" at?

 

Any private sector job?

 

 

Or has he forever been sucking on tax funds for his existence?

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Very Cool IWS. Very cool indeed.

[builder]

Another great example of how the progressives believe a conservative does not care about people if they are not spending money on free handouts, money we don't have to spend......

 

Thanks Builder for making it very clear that the only thing progressives care about is handouts, lol.

 

 

 

By the way, I love the ending,

 

Hard Work

Hard Work

Hard Work

 

 

Can you name a private sector job Obama has worked "hard" at?

 

Any private sector job?

 

 

Or has he forever been sucking on tax funds for his existence?

 

Rather distinquished career, including plenty of private sector work.

 

This from Wiki.

 

in 1981 he transferred to Columbia University in New York City, where he majored in political science with a specialty in international relations[28] and graduated with a B.A. in 1983. He worked for a year at the Business International Corporation,[29][30] then at the New York Public Interest Research Group.[31][32]

Chicago community organizer and Harvard Law School

 

After four years in New York City, Obama was hired in Chicago as director of the Developing Communities Project (DCP), a church-based community organization originally comprising eight Catholic parishes in Greater Roseland (Roseland, West Pullman and Riverdale) on Chicago's far South Side. He worked there as a community organizer from June 1985 to May 1988.[31][33] During his three years as the DCP's director, its staff grew from one to thirteen and its annual budget grew from US$70,000 ($141,564 in 2010) to US$400,000 ($735,648 in 2010). He helped set up a job training program, a college preparatory tutoring program, and a tenants' rights organization in Altgeld Gardens.[34] Obama also worked as a consultant and instructor for the Gamaliel Foundation, a community organizing institute.[35] In mid-1988, he traveled for the first time in Europe for three weeks and then for five weeks in Kenya, where he met many of his paternal relatives for the first time.[36] He returned in August 2006 in a visit to his father's birthplace, a village near Kisumu in rural western Kenya.[37]

 

In late 1988, Obama entered Harvard Law School. He was selected as an editor of the Harvard Law Review at the end of his first year,[38] and president of the journal in his second year.[39] During his summers, he returned to Chicago, where he worked as a summer associate at the law firms of Sidley Austin in 1989 and Hopkins & Sutter in 1990.[40] After graduating with a Juris Doctor (J.D.) magna cum laude[41] from Harvard in 1991, he returned to Chicago.[38] Obama's election as the first black president of the Harvard Law Review gained national media attention[39] and led to a publishing contract and advance for a book about race relations,[42] which evolved into a personal memoir. The manuscript was published in mid-1995 as Dreams from My Father.[42]

University of Chicago Law School and civil rights attorney

 

In 1991, Obama accepted a two-year position as Visiting Law and Government Fellow at the University of Chicago Law School to work on his first book.[43] He then served as a professor at the University of Chicago Law School for twelve years—as a Lecturer from 1992 to 1996, and as a Senior Lecturer from 1996 to 2004—teaching constitutional law.[44]

 

From April to October 1992, Obama directed Illinois's Project Vote, a voter registration drive with ten staffers and seven hundred volunteer registrars; it achieved its goal of registering 150,000 of 400,000 unregistered African Americans in the state, and led to Crain's Chicago Business naming Obama to its 1993 list of "40 under Forty" powers to be.[45] In 1993 he joined Davis, Miner, Barnhill & Galland, a 13-attorney law firm specializing in civil rights litigation and neighborhood economic development, where he was an associate for three years from 1993 to 1996, then of counsel from 1996 to 2004, with his law license becoming inactive in 2002.[46]

 

From 1994 to 2002, Obama served on the boards of directors of the Woods Fund of Chicago, which in 1985 had been the first foundation to fund the Developing Communities Project, and of the Joyce Foundation.[31] He served on the board of directors of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge from 1995 to 2002, as founding president and chairman of the board of directors from 1995 to 1999.[31]

[ImWithStupid]

Another great example of how the progressives believe a conservative does not care about people if they are not spending money on free handouts, money we don't have to spend......

 

Thanks Builder for making it very clear that the only thing progressives care about is handouts, lol.

 

 

 

By the way, I love the ending,

 

Hard Work

Hard Work

Hard Work

 

 

Can you name a private sector job Obama has worked "hard" at?

 

Any private sector job?

 

 

Or has he forever been sucking on tax funds for his existence?

 

Rather distinquished career, including plenty of private sector work.

 

This from Wiki.

 

in 1981 he transferred to Columbia University in New York City, where he majored in political science with a specialty in international relations[28] and graduated with a B.A. in 1983. He worked for a year at the Business International Corporation,[29][30] then at the New York Public Interest Research Group.[31][32]

Chicago community organizer and Harvard Law School

 

After four years in New York City, Obama was hired in Chicago as director of the Developing Communities Project (DCP), a church-based community organization originally comprising eight Catholic parishes in Greater Roseland (Roseland, West Pullman and Riverdale) on Chicago's far South Side. He worked there as a community organizer from June 1985 to May 1988.[31][33] During his three years as the DCP's director, its staff grew from one to thirteen and its annual budget grew from US$70,000 ($141,564 in 2010) to US$400,000 ($735,648 in 2010). He helped set up a job training program, a college preparatory tutoring program, and a tenants' rights organization in Altgeld Gardens.[34] Obama also worked as a consultant and instructor for the Gamaliel Foundation, a community organizing institute.[35] In mid-1988, he traveled for the first time in Europe for three weeks and then for five weeks in Kenya, where he met many of his paternal relatives for the first time.[36] He returned in August 2006 in a visit to his father's birthplace, a village near Kisumu in rural western Kenya.[37]

 

In late 1988, Obama entered Harvard Law School. He was selected as an editor of the Harvard Law Review at the end of his first year,[38] and president of the journal in his second year.[39] During his summers, he returned to Chicago, where he worked as a summer associate at the law firms of Sidley Austin in 1989 and Hopkins & Sutter in 1990.[40] After graduating with a Juris Doctor (J.D.) magna cum laude[41] from Harvard in 1991, he returned to Chicago.[38] Obama's election as the first black president of the Harvard Law Review gained national media attention[39] and led to a publishing contract and advance for a book about race relations,[42] which evolved into a personal memoir. The manuscript was published in mid-1995 as Dreams from My Father.[42]

University of Chicago Law School and civil rights attorney

 

In 1991, Obama accepted a two-year position as Visiting Law and Government Fellow at the University of Chicago Law School to work on his first book.[43] He then served as a professor at the University of Chicago Law School for twelve years—as a Lecturer from 1992 to 1996, and as a Senior Lecturer from 1996 to 2004—teaching constitutional law.[44]

 

From April to October 1992, Obama directed Illinois's Project Vote, a voter registration drive with ten staffers and seven hundred volunteer registrars; it achieved its goal of registering 150,000 of 400,000 unregistered African Americans in the state, and led to Crain's Chicago Business naming Obama to its 1993 list of "40 under Forty" powers to be.[45] In 1993 he joined Davis, Miner, Barnhill & Galland, a 13-attorney law firm specializing in civil rights litigation and neighborhood economic development, where he was an associate for three years from 1993 to 1996, then of counsel from 1996 to 2004, with his law license becoming inactive in 2002.[46]

 

From 1994 to 2002, Obama served on the boards of directors of the Woods Fund of Chicago, which in 1985 had been the first foundation to fund the Developing Communities Project, and of the Joyce Foundation.[31] He served on the board of directors of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge from 1995 to 2002, as founding president and chairman of the board of directors from 1995 to 1999.[31]

 

And at no point in this entire career did he have to "earn" money. Never did he have anything to lose. Never did he have to worry about keeping a business going.

 

He has spent his entire school and post school career being involved with positions that obtained operational money from grants or gifted from foundations.

 

That isn't private sector jobs.

 

That's taking from someone else to pay for what you do.

 

FAIL.

[builder]

So, working for a law firm is not paid employment?

 

What would you call it then?

 

The fact that the man educated himself to a point where he was in demand by law firms is a reflection of his dedication to his cause, and to his dilligence.

 

Let's take a look at the former prez and his rather lack-lustre "career" shall we?

[timesjoke]

So, working for a law firm is not paid employment?

 

What would you call it then?

 

The fact that the man educated himself to a point where he was in demand by law firms is a reflection of his dedication to his cause, and to his dilligence.

 

Let's take a look at the former prez and his rather lack-lustre "career" shall we?

 

lol, you miss the point, your own 'poem' talked about "hard work" to attack Bush but Obama has never had to do "hard work" his entire life either, in fact his entire life has been sucking money from grants and such as IWS pointed out, and now a career in politics, it is incredibly difficult to respect money when you never had to go out and "work hard" to earn money, on either side of the political spectrum.

 

 

At least Bush learned a good respect of money through his father and managing his own business deals, while Obama never had even that.

[builder]

 

 

At least Bush learned a good respect of money through his father and managing his own business deals, while Obama never had even that.

 

How thick can you possibly get, TJ?

 

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_life_of_George_W._Bush

 

Bush began his industry career in 1979, when he established Arbusto Energy, an oil and gas exploration company he financed with his education trust fund surplus and money from other investors, including Dorothy Bush, Lewis Lehrman, William Henry Draper III, Bill Gammell, and James R. Bath, the last of whom represented Salem bin Laden, a half-brother and cousin of Osama bin Laden. In 1984, Bush sold the company, hurt in the wake of the 1979 energy crisis, to Spectrum 7, another Texas gas exploration firm. Under the terms of the sale, Bush became CEO. Spectrum 7 lost revenue and was merged into Harken Energy Corporation in 1986, with Bush becoming a director of Harken.

[edit] Texas Rangers and allegations of insider trading

 

After working on his father's successful 1988 presidential campaign, Bush learned from fellow Yale alumnus William DeWitt, Jr., that family friend Eddie Chiles wanted to sell the Texas Rangers baseball franchise along with the new sports dome; built on land acquired under eminent domain law and built under funding financed through taxpayers' funds backed by a bond issued for its debt. The new home of the Texas Rangers is still being contested in court by the original landowner who has not received payment for the land. The sports dome has not yet been paid off with the tax increase enacted to pay off the bond. The selling of the baseball team included the new stadium, which accounts for the huge profits the investors received. The benefits to the taxpayers or the landowner from their contributions are unknown. In April 1989, Bush assembled a group of investors from his father's close friends, including fellow fraternity brother Roland W. Betts; the group bought an 86% share of the Rangers for $75 million. Bush received a 2% share by investing $606,302, of which $500,000 was a bank loan. Against the advice of his counsel, Bush repaid the loan by selling $848,000 worth of stock in Harken Energy. Harken reported significant financial losses within a year of this sale, triggering allegations of insider trading. On March 27, 1992, the Securities and Exchange Commission concluded that Bush had a "preexisting plan" to sell, that Bush had a "relatively limited role in Harken management", and that it had not seen evidence of insider trading. [1][2][3][4]

 

The subsequent SEC investigation ended in 1992 with a memo stating "it appears that Bush did not engage in illegal insider trading," but noted that the memo "must in no way be construed as indicating that the party has been exonerated or that no action may ultimately result".[5] Critics allege that this decision was strongly influenced by the makeup of the SEC at the time, which heavily favored Bush. The chairman at the time was Richard Breeden, a good friend of the Bush family's who had been nominated to the SEC by President George H. W. Bush and who had been a lawyer in James Baker's firm, Baker Botts. The SEC's general counsel at the time was James Doty, who had represented George W. Bush when he sought to buy into the Texas Rangers (although Doty recused himself from the investigation.) Bush's own lawyer was Robert Jordan, who had been "partners with both Doty and Breeden at Baker Botts and who later became George W. Bush's ambassador to Saudi Arabia".

 

In House of Bush, House of Saud, Craig Unger notes that at the time of Bush's sale, Harken Energy "was expected to run out of money in just three days" (p. 123). In a last-ditch attempt to save the company, Harken was advised by the endowment fund of Harvard University to spin-off two of its lower-performing divisions. "According to a Harken memo, if the plan did not go through, the company had 'no other source of immediate financing.'" Bush had already taken out a $500,000 loan and sought Harken's general counsel for advice. The reply was explicit: "The act of trading, particularly if close in time to the receipt of the inside information, is strong evidence that the insider's investment decision was based on the inside information... the insider should be advised not to sell". This memo was turned over by Bush's attorney the day after the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) ruled that it would not charge Bush with insider trading. On June 22, Bush sold his 212,140 shares of stock anyway for a net profit of $848,560. The very next quarter, Harken announced losses of $23 million, which continued to the end of the year when the stock "plummeted from $4 to $1.25".

 

As President, Bush has refused to authorize the SEC to release its full report on the Harken investigation.[6] When the Rangers franchise was sold for $250 million in 1998, at a total profit of $170 million, Bush personally received $14.9 million for his $600,000 investment.[7]

 

As managing general partner of the Rangers, Bush assisted the team's media relations and the construction of a new stadium.[8] His public role generated valuable goodwill and reinforced name recognition throughout Texas that was already high as he had the identical name as his father who was President during this era.[9]

[edit] Early political career

 

After a United States National Guard transfer in 1972, he served as political director for an Alabama senate campaign. In 1978, Bush ran for the U.S. House of Representatives but lost to Kent Hance. Bush stressed his energy credentials and conservative values in the campaign. Hance, however, also held many conservative views, opposing gun control and strict regulation; he successfully portrayed Bush as out of touch with rural Texans. Hance later became a Republican and donated money to Bush's campaign for Governor of Texas in 1993. [10]

[timesjoke]

 

 

At least Bush learned a good respect of money through his father and managing his own business deals, while Obama never had even that.

 

How thick can you possibly get, TJ?

 

Sounds like a better question for you Builder, how think are you, or better yet how self-blinded are you?

 

 

I said he had experience in his own business deals, even the wiki page you posted (wiki is not considered a reliable source of information) showed he did have business experience, maybe some good, some not as good, but still he had the experiences while Obama has had "ZERO".

 

 

This was a discussion about your poem where it talked about "hard work" and yet Obama has never worked hard a day in his life and has never had to create a living outside of the liberal elite circles of government grants and entitlements.

 

 

But you can't bring yourself to admit that about Obama.

[eddo]

Wow! Good point about Obama having little to zero real work experience!

 

I must shift the attention to Bush! That will divert all eyes from the Almighty Obama!

 

</builder reply>

 

[builder]

Wow! Good point about Obama having little to zero real work experience!

 

I must shift the attention to Bush! That will divert all eyes from the Almighty Obama!

 

Wow! Good to deny the truth when it is staring you in the face, eddo.

[timesjoke]

Wow! Good point about Obama having little to zero real work experience!

 

I must shift the attention to Bush! That will divert all eyes from the Almighty Obama!

 

Wow! Good to deny the truth when it is staring you in the face, eddo.

You mean like you trying to deny the truth that Obama has never had to "work hard" to make a living? I already admitted that Bush was no brick layer, he did not have to bust his azz to survive either, but he was in the private sector, making important business decisions (some good, some bad) while Obama has never had any experience in running anything but his mouth.

 

 

Obama is a career government tit man, first on one side, now on the other side.

[eddo]

Wow! Good point about Obama having little to zero real work experience!

 

I must shift the attention to Bush! That will divert all eyes from the Almighty Obama!

 

Wow! Good to deny the truth when it is staring you in the face, eddo.

 

no, just making an observation of how Bush's history is in no way relevant to Obama's history.

[snafu]

Even though it was in the guard Bush at least served his country...

[builder]

Even though it was in the guard Bush at least served his country...

 

That's very funny, snafu. Try reading his real "military" history.

 

 

 

It should be noted that, as with the change in Bush’s AFSC, corroborating evidence that should exist, showing that this order was executed, does not exist. No mention of Bush being in NARS-B is found in Bush’s official Military Biography, nor is there any mention of Bush being transferred to ISLRS.

 

 

 

This particular order does show that the Air Force continued to try and track Bush down, and was getting closer. It was sent to “Harvard Business School, Boston, MA 02163”. They even got the zip code right this time.

 

 

 

Sometime after this order was mailed, George W. Bush finally communicated with the Air Force Reserves. In an undated letter, he requests information on how to get out of the “Standby Reserves” in order to make absolutely certain that even in the case of the most dire national emergency, when the USA needs the services of even those who are on the “Inactive Status” list, George W. Bush would not be called to serve his country.

[snafu]

Even though it was in the guard Bush at least served his country...

 

That's very funny, snafu. Try reading his real "military" history.

 

 

 

It should be noted that, as with the change in Bush’s AFSC, corroborating evidence that should exist, showing that this order was executed, does not exist. No mention of Bush being in NARS-B is found in Bush’s official Military Biography, nor is there any mention of Bush being transferred to ISLRS.

 

 

 

This particular order does show that the Air Force continued to try and track Bush down, and was getting closer. It was sent to “Harvard Business School, Boston, MA 02163”. They even got the zip code right this time.

 

 

 

Sometime after this order was mailed, George W. Bush finally communicated with the Air Force Reserves. In an undated letter, he requests information on how to get out of the “Standby Reserves” in order to make absolutely certain that even in the case of the most dire national emergency, when the USA needs the services of even those who are on the “Inactive Status” list, George W. Bush would not be called to serve his country.

 

Why did I know you were gonna pull that up? He still served his country. What did Obama do?

[builder]

 

 

 

 

Sometime after this order was mailed, George W. Bush finally communicated with the Air Force Reserves. In an undated letter, he requests information on how to get out of the “Standby Reserves” in order to make absolutely certain that even in the case of the most dire national emergency, when the USA needs the services of even those who are on the “Inactive Status” list, George W. Bush would not be called to serve his country.

 

Why did I know you were gonna pull that up? He still served his country. What did Obama do?

 

He served nobody but himself, snafu. He deserted. His daddy covered his butt.

 

Obama has an unblemished record of academic achievement. He worked for law firms that are not funded by anyone but the law firm. All of Bush's "achievements" involve daddy's money and connections, including the Bin Laden family.

 

The only reason he "served" in the national guard was to avoid rehab and the regular drug tests involved in same. When it became apparent that he would have to undergo the same in the NG, he deserted.

 

Now point to Obama's reneging on anything similar, and before you go off about comparisons, who else could we compare Obama's term in office to? A bucket of apples, perhaps?

[eddo]

 

who else could we compare Obama's term in office to? A bucket of apples, perhaps?

 

 

yes, I agree. A buckets of apples would be just as good a president as Obama...

[builder]

 

who else could we compare Obama's term in office to? A bucket of apples, perhaps?

 

 

yes, I agree. A buckets of apples would be just as good a president as Obama...

 

 

That's about all you've ever got to add to the debate, eddo. Three fifths of phukk-all.

 

Thanks for coming buddy.

[timesjoke]

 

who else could we compare Obama's term in office to? A bucket of apples, perhaps?

 

 

yes, I agree. A buckets of apples would be just as good a president as Obama...

 

 

That's about all you've ever got to add to the debate, eddo. Three fifths of phukk-all.

 

Thanks for coming buddy.

 

You mean like how the only thing you contribute is to try and divert attention away from Obama by attacking Bush? Your a blind progressive excuse machine, everything is always Bush's fault and the man has been out of office for almost two years now. It is time for Obama to take responsibility for his own decisions and failures.

 

If the "Stimulus" had been a success, would you now be giving Bush the credit for that success? No, so the failures of the thing is Obama's, not Bush's.

 

 

 

Everything Obama has done has failed or been in direct opposition to the will of the people.

[ImWithStupid]

</h3>

<h3 class="entry-header">The Car, the Ditch, and the Slurpee

from Barack Obama's Big Book of Stump Speech Parables

 

Thank you for that kind introduction, _EMCEE______, and let me say how good it is to be back here in the __th district of _STATE___ which was so vital in helping us take back Washington in November of 2008. And let me also say that we've made a lot of progress thanks to __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__. Neither I nor the __th district has had a more loyal and hard-working ally in Congress.

 

As we all know, __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is facing a tough re-election campaign this November. S/he is facing an unprecedented barrage of attacks from outside special interest groups and Wall Street fat cats who want to make this election more about alleged __CANDIDATE_INCIDENT__ than the bread and butter issues that concern everyday voters in the ___th District. Well, we're not going to let them get away with it. Because the voters here know that when it comes to health care, the environment, and economic development __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is on their side.

 

Have we made all the progress we wanted to? Of course not. But we're working hard every day and moving in the right direction. And make no mistake, this is pretty darn hard work. Now, you see, I like to use a little analogy. The Republicans drove the car into the ditch. [pause for applause]

 

So now and me and __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ are down there, behind the bumper, sweatin' and pushin', trying to get it out. [applause]

 

It's all hot, and there's flies and bugs and so on, and we're in our flipflops down there in the mud. [applause] Meanwhile __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his Republican friends are up on the blacktop, sipping on their Slurpees, laughing and telling us to work harder. [laughs, applause]

 

And don't even try to point out their horrible driving that put the car in the ditch in the first place, because then they'll accuse YOU of causing it -- even though it was the Republicans who told you to grab the wheel while they torched up the one-hitter. [applause]

 

Yeah, smooth move there Republicans, especially with that pineapple truck coming down the other side of the highway. Hey scro, I don't care whose hands were on the wheel - it was your ass in the damned driver's seat and Hawaii law says it's YOUR fault. [applause]

 

It's all right there in the Driver's Ed booklet. Which also says you're supposed to steer INTO the skid, just like I was before you tried to yank it back.

 

So, whatever, we're down in the ditch. Instead of thanking you for not totalling the car, the Republicans start up with their upperclassman bullshit. [applause]

 

You're like, "come on man, help push it out before the cops get here," and the Republicans are like, "I don't give a sh t dude, it ain't my grandma's car." And then you remind them that they are the ones who are over 18 and will have to explain why they're in a car with minors and a trunk full of beer and weed and bashed mailboxes, and they're like, "Do we know you? Hey, we're just a couple of passing hitchhikers, man. We've never seen you guys before in our lives."

 

So instead of trying to argue further with these senior Republican assholes, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and I roll up our sleeves, get down there in the muck, and start working to get the car up out of the ditch so we can get back before 7th period History. [applause]

 

Meanwhile __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat buddy are up there sucking on their Slurpees, laughing everytime I kill the motor because I've never driven a stick. f you, Republicans. I hope you get a brain freeze from your goddamn Slurpees. [applause]

 

Finally the predicament changes and you see another car coming down the highway. Thankfully it's not a cop, but kind of an older Chinese-looking surfer guy in a Jeep. Now, it's a little rusted out but you immediately realize that Jeep has 4 wheel drive, which is the sort of program you really need to get the economic car out of the ditch. [applause]

 

So you flag the Jeep down and ask the surfer for help. He looks at you and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ up and down, real slow, and the he says, "sure... boys." Okay, yeah, maybe the whole thing's getting a little creepy at this point but you're tired and your flipflops are ruined and you're running out of getting-out-of-the-ditch options. So you take up a collection to give the Chinese surfer guy some money so he doesn't get the wrong idea, and guess what? The Republicans claim they spent their last dollar on the fucking Slurpee. [applause]

 

Luckily there is some weed and beer in the trunk of grandma's car which seems to satisfy the creepy Chinese surfer guy, and so __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and me drag the chain down in the ditch and hook it to the bumper of the car. Then the Chinese surfer guns the motor on the Jeep and the car starts coming out of the ditch but then you hear a sickening snap and the front bumper comes flying off the car and then you start thinking about how to explain to your grandma why her Maverick is covered in mud and missing a bumper. And guess what? Those Republicans are still sitting on the side of the road, laughing their asses off, still sucking on the Slurpees.[applause]

 

So you take the chain back down in the ditch and wrap it around the front of the frame and get behind the wheel and start the Maverick, and wave to the Jeep guy, and you both gun your motors, and this time you finally get out of the ditch but you're still getting the hang of driving a stick, so you knock the Jeep into the ditch and accidentally hit the gas and go flying across the other side of the road into a pineapple field. And now those Republican fuckers are laughing so hard Slurpee is coming out of their noses.

 

Luckily the pineapple farmer drives by on his tractor and pulls you out, but then he's like "how come you boys aren't in school?" And so the creepy Chinese surfer dude says, "it's alright, sir, I'm their teacher and we're on a biology field trip. Aren't we boys?" and all you can do is nod sheepishly because you already have 3 unexcused absences this quarter. [applause]

 

So then the pineapple farmer leaves and I'm sitting there with __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat f Republican buddy, plus now the creepy Chinese surfer dude's Jeep is wrecked from pulling your grandma's car out of the ditch, so we're pretty much obligated to offer him a ride back to Honolulu, which he seems a little too enthusiastic to accept. Then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ grabs your car keys and throws him to his friend, the same butt hole who drove into the ditch in the first place, and then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ yells "shotgun!"

 

Oh. Perfect. Now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are sitting in the back of Grandma's bumperless Maverick, listening to dried clods of volcanic mud hitting inside the economy's wheel wells, with creepy shirtless Chinese surfer guy between us while __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ is playing that fucking Jethro Tull 8 track again that I can't stand. And then surfer guy lights up a one hitter with the weed we gave him for pulling our economy of the ditch, and offers to shotgun me a hit, while -- swear to god -- he puts his hand on __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__'s leg.

 

I mean, holy crap, now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are pretty much freaking out. Good thing at this point that the Republicans had those Slurpees, because now they have to pull the economy over to the side of the road to take a piss. [applause] So we all get out and then I notice that the Republicans have left the keys to the economy on the hood, so while they are pissing out behind the palm tree I grab them. [applause] And then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ sees it and he has the nerve to yell, "hey, give us back the car keys!"

 

Car keys? We remember what happened when you Republicans had the car keys. This is our grandma's Maverick, and we're taking it back, learner's permit or no learner's permit. [applause] You Slurpee-sucking Republican fuckers can stay out here and rot with your new creepy surfer boyfriend until a ride comes along because we're driving now. [applause]

 

Ha ha ha! [applause]

 

Aw sh t. Hey, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__, do you know how to drive a stick?

 

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