Jokes Corner!!

[Enigma]

A Mounted Policeman was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little

 

girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

 

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety violation.

 

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

 

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the DICK goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Enigma]

Add jokes and funny pic's at free will. give us something to do...

[twilightcrimson7]

lmao nice one

[Enigma]

These individual quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

 

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and

has started to dig."

 

2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid

curiosity."

 

3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

 

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a

definite 'won't be.'"

 

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat

in a trap."

 

(6) "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

 

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to

achieve them."

 

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 

(11) "This employee should go far, .... and the sooner he starts, the

better."

 

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all

together."

 

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

 

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

 

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

 

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

 

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

 

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

 

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

 

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

 

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

 

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, .....he's the

other one."

 

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

 

(24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

 

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

 

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't

coming."

 

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

 

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

 

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

 

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

 

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the

egg."

 

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

 

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."

 

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

[Enigma]

Keep Your Child Safe ...

 

A 10 -year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him & its window was wound down.

“I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car.” said the driver.

“No way, get stuffed!!” replied the boy.

“How about a bag of lollies & $10?” the driver asked.

“I said no way!” replied the irritated youngster.

“What about a bag of juicy lollies & $50, eh?” quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

“No! I’m not getting in the friggin’ car!” answered the boy.

“Okay, okay. I know what you want. I’ll give you $100 & a bag of lollies.” The driver offered.

“No!” screamed the boy.

“What will it take to get you into the car?” asked the driver with a long sigh!

The boy replied: “Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!”

[Enigma]

Pick up lines that could get you killed

 

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

 

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed

bag.

 

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

 

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

 

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your

face.

 

6. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

 

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

 

8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

 

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was

Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

 

10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to

mount you or eat you!

 

11. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

 

12. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside?

 

13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

 

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,

and I'll put my head in.

[Enigma]

UNDERSTANDING MEN

 

 

 

Because I Am A Man

 

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a

wire

long after hypothermia has set in. The RACQ is not an option. I will

win.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop

the

hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If

another

man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to

fix

these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I

wouldn’t,

know where to start.” We will then drink beer and break wind as a form

of

holy communion.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me

soup

and

take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never

get

as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

the

store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items

like

“cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And

never,

under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which

“feminine

hygiene product” is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not

a

bodily function)

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist

on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice

as

much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back

together.

 

 

-

 

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my

hand

while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole

show

looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a

calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about.

The

answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up

something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your

mother

come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any

more

than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t

need

to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances

are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t....and if you are

feeling

amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and

recommend

it to others.

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what

you

were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is

fine.

With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look

fine.

Can we just go now?

 

 

--

 

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share

equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest......

like

wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[Rusu_luvs_LP_4ever]

LOL!LMAO!ROFL!!! those are funny!

[Enigma]

The Affair

 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God-Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window ~ It’s raining out there!”

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run? “

Nope.........just when it’s raining.!

[Enigma]

Thought of the day

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ???

[Enigma]

A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that He

wanted to throw a party and invited all of his mates and

neighbours.

 

He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He

held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

 

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,

oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating

 

Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who

has the balls to jump in."

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash

and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was

fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

 

Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing

punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds,

biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air

like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

 

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

 

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a

K-mart goldfish.

 

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

 

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host

says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 

"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

 

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the

bet."

 

"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"

answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you

something.

 

That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock

options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well,

Jimmy, then what do you want?"

 

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c---t who pushed me in the Pool.

[Enigma]

CRABBING TRIP

 

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the North Queensland coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

 

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

 

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

 

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

 

The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of legal muddies in and around her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

 

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

 

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[Enigma]

Gotta Love a Drunk

 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a

loud pounding on the door..

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing

in

the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

“Not a chance,” says the husband,

“it is three o’clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to

bed.

 

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

 

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

 

“Did you help him?” she asks.

 

“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring

outside!”

 

His wife said “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we

broke

down and those two guys helped us?” “I think you should help him,

and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the

pouring

rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

 

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

 

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

 

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

 

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

 

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk

[Enigma]

Rugby Final

 

 

 

A man has tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits

down,another man comes and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat

next

to

him.

He replies “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible” said the man. “Who in their right mind would

have

a

seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event

in

the world, and not use it?”

He says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to

come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we

haven’t

been to together since we got married in 1987”

“Oh ... I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you

find

someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the

seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

[Treeves]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

 

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

 

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

 

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Treeves]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

 

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

 

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Treeves]

A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's going down to the local bar. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the bar and leave her at home when they need to economize. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."

[Rusu_luvs_LP_4ever]

Thought of the day

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ???

 

Thatz my msn name now :thumbsup:

[Enigma]

Digital Clock

 

The University of Poland science students have finally finished their “digital” clock they have been working on for 4 years. Go to this site to see the results:

Wait for it to load. This is a real clock, and its pretty cool...

http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

[Enigma]

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we’re divided into many States:

First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that “it’s liveable”. At least that’s what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown*, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackeroos, emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland -it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there’s the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we’re whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make “no worries mate” our national phrase, “she’ll be right mate” our national attitude and “Waltzing Matilda” our national anthem. (So what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide?). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning. And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

[Enigma]

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership.

She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escape

her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed

her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But as she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a

salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what she

has just done, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely

vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you're

going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"

[Enigma]

Things to say to unstress at work...

 

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!

 

2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing?!

 

3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

 

4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

 

5. Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?

 

6. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.

 

7. Do I look like a fucking people person!

 

8. This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting.

 

9. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

 

10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

 

11. YOU!!... off my planet!!!

 

12. Therapy is expensive Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.

 

13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of

self-control.

 

14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

15. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?

 

16. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

 

17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

 

18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

 

20. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

 

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t

gone

to sleep yet.

 

22. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.

 

23. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.

 

24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

 

25. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

 

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.

 

27. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

 

28. Wait... I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

29. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

 

30. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.

 

31. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

 

32. Earth is full. Go home.

 

33. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

 

34. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

35. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

 

36. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

 

37. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport

[Enigma]

For his birthday Little Dave asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

 

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on

this

 

house is

 

$80,000,and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can

 

afford it.”

 

The next day the father saw Little Dave heading out the front

door

 

with a

 

suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?

 

Little Dave told him, “I was walking past your room last night

and I

 

heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell

you to

 

wait

 

because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying

here by

 

myself

 

with an $80,000 mortgage and no f *** ing bike!”

[Enigma]

Moral Dilemma....food for thought.

 

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside of the box.

 

 

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

[Enigma]

A funny to finish your Friday on.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says,”Hey, Dave! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”.

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”