Cutting...A serious issue.

[xpaintballvixenx]

Im a former cutter, and i was wondering if anyone cuts? It was hard for me to get out of cutting...because it was so simple, and i could comprehend what i was doing... But i dont anymore. I would like to talk about it, and get it off my chest.

 

I have a blogger, but i dont want to talk about it on there because all of my friends go to read it. (you are more than welcome to as well- http://www.paintballvixen.blogspot.com) so, since i dont know anyone on here personally...and you wont flame me. I am going to talk.

 

I never understood why people cut...i always thought "well, if they want to die so bad, why dont they drink bleach or something?"

 

but then, I hit an all time low in my life.

 

My boyfriend (the love of my fucking life, forever.) had broken up with me a few months before, and i was really feeling it. He hurt me so bad, that i kind of got a bad attitude, and then tried to cover up that attitude, which upset me even more.

My mom and i were fighting, constantly...and we dont just fight like "NO CHELSEA!" "BUT MOM!" "YOUR GROUNDED. GOT TO YOUR ROOM." "Okayy...." i mean we yell. and scream. she told me she tried to commit suicide because of me. and she also slammed my head through a wall once. well, we were fighting and i had run away a few times before, but this time she kicked me out, and i was forced to stay at a friends... Which, was cool...but it hurt.

I was falling behond in school, and thatw as really stressing me out because my education is something i pride myself with.

Money issues. I hadn't had money to play paintball in a while (which is generally what i do to take out my frusterations)

Other family problems-

my dad was having heart problems and it scared me because i never knew my real dad. (he is my step dad) and i dont want to lose him, after i lost my grandpa (a very influential person in my life, a father figure) and my bf of 9 months(whom i lost my virginity too and vice versa).

My grandma has cancer, and she recently broke her foot. I dont get to see her as often as i'd like.

My uncle also has cancer.

i was also at this point, having a hard time finding my true self...(i still am struggling with this bit) i couldnt decide what i was doing with my life.

I was getting shit from alot of people...who didnt understand me as a person ( a reason why i dont take shit from anyone anymore)

I missed my 2 best friends (one moved to laguna and the other corona...i hardly ever see them now)

and i missed my friends in Michigan (more like family. they sculpted me in so many ways...i cant even begin to tell you.)

these are only the main things that were on my mind at the time.

 

so one night after another battle with my mom i went into my room and cried for hours. no music was on, not tv, no light, no anything. i just lay in my bed, looking out my window crying thinking of all the above.

 

then, i honestly don't know what i was doing...i just reached for something sharp( i basically had no control over what i was doing) - which happened to be scissors...and they werent very sharp. and began to cut myself. I was at an all time low, and i was feeling all these types of pains that i couldnt pin point. I was mentally unstable. The pain i was feeling was uncontrollable and i couldnt find the root of it.

 

Cutting was the only thing i COULD controll. I knew where i wanted it, how much i was going to let it bleed, and how many slashes i would leave. its grusome i know...but at the time it was all i had. it was the only pain i could comprehend, pain i could see and have an answer for.

 

do you ever just sometimes get really upset? and you dont know why? or you cant stop your self? and it makes you even more upset?

 

well i cut because i could say "this is because of what jonpaul did to me...*cut*" and then i could say "it hurts. and i know where it hurts. and i know why it hurts. i can control this." So for a few weeks their, in my life...i would think about things that would bother me and cut myself...kind of like the blood was bad energy leaving my body. and it worked for a while, until i started seeing how bad i looked. and how unstable i was...

 

so i righted a few wrongs in my life, and now its been 2 months since i cut. Im doing alot better.

 

thank you all for listening, and if anyone needs to talk about something they can always PM me. im here for anyone.

 

 

Tl;dr I cut myself, and i got over it. My story.

 

-chelsea

[twilightcrimson7]

I ..... I'm sorry for what you've went through

 

Love and hate. The two major things in my life. Two majorpains, and two major pleasures.

I am only 15 i never had a boyfriend, and don't want to. My family isn't totally fucked, but fucked enought for me to loose faith sometimes.

 

My mom and my dad got divorced when In was.... maybe 8 or so... i can't remember allt oo well. But it could have been worse, you see, they only lived 30 miles away from each other, so i could go to both of their houses, a different time of the week. but now its gotten harder. I am in high school now and its harder to control now. My dad is the only one in my family who tries to understnad me, at least smetimes.

 

I have a step dad now, and 2 step brothers and 1 step sister who are in their 20's . (yes, i do not have any BLOOD siblngs) issues. maybe is even or has taekn drugs. he always sounds a lil high when I talk to him. I'm not real close to any of them.

 

My mom doesn't understand me, she doesn't try. she likes to think that when I was a child, all those thing never happened. that she never kicked dad out, that she never told me to go away when i wanted to spend time with her. she was cold to me, bu t i had soon gotten over it. Now shes the one always wanting to spend time with me, when i don't shes too sensitive and says"no one loves me" when she doesn't get her way. Its so selfish.

 

My aunt is another source of problems. she is an ignorante 32 year old baby-sitter that live with her dad. Yes, me, my dad, my aunt, and my grandpa live together becuase of financial problems. I hate living with her. she has no life, so she invades everone elses, and the onlt way she knows to cope with anger is yelling. YELLING. that's ALL she does. It drives me CRAZY. absoulutly crazy.

 

my grandpa is sick. he is VERY unhealthy and does little to make himself better. in the previous years we've lost my grandmother, who was VERY near to me. she was everything the family wasn't she'd cheer everyone up by humming a friendly little tune, or give the children chocolate or an extra sip of coffee when my aunt wasn't looking, or bake the BEST meals in the world. God I miss her now. Im actually seeing her smiling face and knee bobbing with the sound of her tune. i am crying now.

 

but nothing has ever been the same without her. it's been hell. everyones at each other's throuats and we don't have her anymore to help us. she was the one who made us function.

 

My uncle married a full-blown bitch. she takes advantage of him, of us, and is nothin but greedy. if you wewre to know her, you'd DESPISE her. Now they are broke, and thats another thing for us to worry about.

 

Now this is what i'm left with. another FUCKING winter where things are just getting worse. at least my gradea are good. I'm not going to follow my family tradition. i'm going to make something of myself.

 

Ever since I was little, i have mutilated my fingers, picking my nails, hang nails, and in general, the flech aroun the nail. It looks like I have been sewing with barbed wire.

 

Now that you have my background, you maybe can see why i cut. well, i wouldn't say cut, but scratch. i just tried it recently. a sharp needle was all it took, scraping it against my skin and waiting with anticipation for the blood.

I am ashamed of myself, for i was greedy. I can't do this to myself anymore. It's... not right. I get physically sick when i think of what I did. I haven't told anybody. i hope my friends dont see on Sunday. i don't know how they'll react. We finally get to spen some time with each other.

I want to stop. i ahve to, but ....

there's still hope for me right? i have really found strength in all of you. i admire that you were able to quit. i promise to all of you who actually give a fuck about patheric ol' me that i will stop, no matter what. Life wasn't given to me to throw away.

 

thank you all, and my you all find courage in yourselves.

 

~Heather~

[xpaintballvixenx]

scatching was how i started out. eventually it ended up with cutting.

 

life sucks sometimes...and its hard. but i got through it and so will you. i have no doubt that you cant quit. i've been keeping 2 bloggers and a written journal. ialso write alot..

 

and a suggestion, if you have a high pain tollerence..

 

go paintballing. it definatly relives some pressure.

[twilightcrimson7]

^_^ thanks. I might try it sometime. ^_~

I enjoy writing to releive stress and anger too.

[Black_Thought]

I was very close to doing it....but one of my friends saw me before I actually did it and stoped me..

 

Everytime I feel like doing that I think about what he said...

[FREAK_X]

hmm.. ive never cut myself before.. but ive had friends who do it..

but the thing is that.. some girls from my school think its cool to cut.

yes.

those ah-lians [or female gangsters WANNABES]..

they think its cool to cut..

 

which i feel is TOTALLY absurb rite..?

[Rusu_luvs_LP_4ever]

*hugs all 3 of you* If your ever feeling low again talk to me and I'll listen.

[GhostX]

I've cut myself befor.

[xpaintballvixenx]

Thats Rusu.

 

Means alot. Listening is one of the greater gifts given to us.

[Black_Thought]

Thats Rusu.

 

Means alot. Listening is one of the greater gifts given to us.

 

 

yeah...she is so sweet...

[FanSince1999]

I have cut myself with a hot knife, seriously, it was a blood river, the worst day of my life, it was so hurting

[Klaudia]

I haven't cut myself, but there were times when I wanted to do it, even I wanted to kill myself, but I....was afraid of pain and death.

Now I see that my problems were only a drop in the sea of your problems.

Life sucks

[FanSince1999]

I haven't cut myself, but there were times when I wanted to do it, even I wanted to kill myself, but I....was afraid of pain and death.

Now I see that my problems were only a drop in the sea of your problems.

Life sucks

 

why all LP fans are so suicidal? we are worst than KoRn fans

[XrockinfreakX]

who cares about lp fans and korn fans......but sometimes i think about cutting. some of my friends have done it but i dont think they have problems in life i serously think they did it to get the attention. i just cant stand the blood and just the thought of it i just hate it! well i hope u guys get better and come to us when u need help

[m. k. Shinoda]

i used to do it, when i was reaally sad, i'd lost my bf (someone i loved sooooo much), i have scars of it, but it isn't something really serious.

i stopped with it when i started putting all my feelings in my draws, they look so... sad sometimes. i wish i'd be more happy, sometimes i feel so alone.

 

*sigh*

[Black_Thought]

i know what you mean..i feel your pain..you got to try and get past it..

 

it was hard, but i did..

[melunia]

i cut myself, maybe half a year ago. i didn't tell anyone. but then i had a terrible fight with my mother, i ran to my dads (they're divorced) and cried my heart out but he didn't really listen to me, he even started to talk about cars!! next day he went to work and i was alone.again. i was so much hoping my mom would come to me and give me just al little hug that would be so great. and my mom really came...but just to give me my shoes (i ran away without shoes and my glasses) and some clothes. when she went away and slammed the door i was like shocked. i didn't know what to do and i just started to cry as loud as i could. half an hour later the neighbours came and took me to the hospital. then my mom and dad came there, but i didn't want to see them (why must there everytime happen something not usual like me getting to hospital to see some1 to say 'sorry'??) when the doctors saw my cuts on my arms they soon told me they'd take me to a (i dont know what its called in english) psychatric hopsital. i was there for 3 days because my mom wanted me to get out. and i went back to her. we dont talk about this what happened then. we never really did. she wouldn't even understand why i cut myself. but i don't do this anymore. sometimes when 'm in trouble or in a fight with some1 and i see something sharp it's tempting me to do it again. but then i see my arm and my scars and i don't want to have more.

[xpaintballvixenx]

wow. I see alot of poeple went through what i did.

 

fansince1999 if u would have read my post thouroghly, you would have noticed one small detail.

 

i am not suicidal! 99% of people who cut dont want to do.

 

and its funny u say KoRn fans...Because im in KoRnKamp, and they dont get this deep really. they are just more "look im dressing in dark clothes. dont mess with me"

[twilightcrimson7]

Former cutter myself. i didnt make a habit of it though. one night i was tired of the fighting. my dad broke a window (dumbass). it was my fault. i caused it. i got so fed up i gave myself 8 cuts. i really regreted doing it the next day. it was so stupid of me i dont know what i was thinking. people would see them. i cant stand those kids that think its "cool" or do it for attention. i've come close to doing it again' date=' but i know it will be a mistake. i hate my mom when shes drunk and thats pushed me to the edge a couple of times. its not like she hits me or something (i would never take that). she just becomes this stupid crazy carefree person and then i have to become the adult and i dont think thats fair. that just crazes up everybody and it seems as though im the only sane person. but i promised myself that i wont cut. but i know how everyone feels. a couple of my friends occasionally cut and i totally understand where they are coming from. they cant go to anybody else. a lot of people are so judgemental these days. ya know the kind of people who have a perfect martha stuart family and would never understand. so im just there to listen and try to help.[/quote']

 

I know. It makes me sick when i think of my mom and how she acts like a child somethimes.... so i've been there

[twilightcrimson7]

I think the biggest thing that stops us is regret. we've learned out mistake. I will choose to heal now and won't give into temptation. that's for everyone' support, it means the world to me. you guys are the best. I feel like i really understand you, and that you guys understand me. That is one of the best gifts i could recieve

[Amy Shinoda]

okay... first, i'd like to start out saying that i really liked this thread, seeing as though i cut myself just yesterday... it wasn't the first time, but i don't do it often... i'm not going to say too much, cuz i'm not the kind of person that justs spills out all my depressive life story on a forum... i admire who has the courage to do that though... but i'm just not one of them... so i'll keep this simple... my life sux, and although i am not at an all time low (i was when i started cutting), i cut cuz i know no other way to deal with my anger...

 

my parents split up about almost two years ago, and at the time that was a total shock to me cuz i couldn't see how two ppl that seemed to love themselves the way my mom and dad did could just split up all of a sudden... after the divorce, my dad moved away... i only saw him one time since that day... my mom is never home... i guess her way of dealing with the divorce is by spending time away from home... which is really what i would like to do, but i can't cuz i have to take care of my little sister... which is a pain in the ass by the way... so that leaves me trapped in a house that i hate, and that only brings me bad memories... the little time that my mom is home, we fight... always... sometimes i think it's better if she just stayed away... at least we wouldn't fight... and when i say fight i mean like screaming, and swearing, and agressiveness (is that a word?) and tears... after a usual fight like this i go to my room... i cry and cry until there are no tears left... and then i cut myself... not always, but sometimes... cuz, like i said, i know no other way to deal with my anger... my mom hits me, and i want to hit her back, but i can't... so i cut myself...

 

of course, some stupid fights with my mom isn't what lead me to cutting... but like i said, i'm not just about to spill my depressive life story on a forum... my life sux... let's just leave it at that... like chelsea said: "i cut because i could say "this is because of what jonpaul did to me...*cut*" and then i could say "it hurts. and i know where it hurts. and i know why it hurts. i can control this.""

 

after a few cuts, usually on my hands and arms, i lie on the floor of my room, bleeding and crying... and thinking about how fucked up my life is... the pain inside me hurts so bad that i don't feel the cuts on my arms... i turn on the stereo, and play my fav LP cd... not loud so that my mom won't come asking me to turn it down, and see me bleeding on the floor, and then want to send me to some shrink or something as if i was crazy... i don't need psiquiatrical (dunno how to spell that... sorry) help, i just need someone who can understand me...

 

after listening to the cd more than once, i get up, wipe my tears, take a shower and carefully clean the cuts, and then lie on my bed, and usually go to sleep... this usually happens at night so it's normal, but even when it's day i go to sleep anyway... i like sleeping... it's the only time i don't have to think about my fucked up life... and most times, i feel better when i wake up... i listen to another LP cd before i get up, just to relax... and so begins another day..........

 

well... even without saying much about my life, i ended up writing a lot... i doubt anyone will even read it all... but it made me feel better just to talk about it... and it's good to know that i'm not the only cutter... the cuts from last night are still here, i can see them on my hands as i type... there used to be a time when i could just go to my room and listen to an LP cd when things went wrong... but not anymore... Linkin Park alone can save me no longer... i feel really pathetic now that i said all this... i know cutting's a stupid thing to do... but like i said... i know no other way of dealing with my anger.................

[FanSince1999]

i know what you mean..i feel your pain..you got to try and get past it..

 

it was hard, but i did..

 

 

LOOOOOOOOOOOOL what a rare girl !! i'd never cut myself intentionally

[xpaintballvixenx]

Any i read your whole thead. I know why you dont want to type it all out...and i understand. the only reason i did is because i felt like i was getting it off my chest.

I am sorry for what i know that is going on in your life. and i am sorry for the other things i dont know.

 

my dad gets drunk everyweekend. and when hes drunk i cant talk to him, an then they fight.

 

and sometimes my mom gets high...and although that can be immensly amusing...i dont like the fact my mom uses drugs.

 

but

after ityped the first post all out i stared at the post for about 5 minutes. because there it was....in black and white...there was no excaping it. it was my problems and that was that..

 

Im not looking for sympathy...and im not crazy nor suicidal. i made this thread to help myself and help others....

 

i havnt cut in well over two months..and i probably wont anymore.

 

like i said before listening is a wonderful gift. and its the least i can offer.

[gabi_lp]

Amy, I read evrything too. I cannot imagine myself in your position right now, but I know it must be so fucking hard. Your mum must not understand that u suffer a lot, cuz she must suffers too. But I know it's hard to accept, u hav to stay home with your little sister, n it isn't easy.... we hav our own lifes, we need some fun, we need to hang on with our friends n so... n staying home just makes u remember some bad memories! Why dont u try to talk to your mum? Explain evrything.... even if u know in the end u would fight. But maybe, when she stays alone, she will stop n think about u, about ur life.... Therefore, maybe something happens. Cuz what ppl need sometimes is to listen, is to think. And as u hav some fun, some happiness, the bad memories will go away of your mind. But stop cutting... instead of cutting, try to discuss.... She is your mum, she will understand u at least one time. Well, I dont know if I help u... Linkin Park can help a LOT, really, but not so deeply.

[shirakawa_otori]

I've never cut myself really badly. I did it maybe twice but not bigs cuts. I'm not even sure why I did it. Sadness, anger, frustration, all mixed up, but I didn't have the guts to do anything worse than those little cuts (more like scratches...) and I don't have it now, so I probably will never try to hurt myself. Because I'm afraid and coward. I'm kinda glad I am, because that's probably why I'm alive now, I don't know :S I deal with that kind of issues in a different way. My best friend, my very best, bestest friend in the world (she's actually more like a sister to me) cuts. Badly. And it's not like she does it just to release the pain. She's kinda suicidal. And it hurts me so much to se her doing that to herself and I don't know how to help her. 5 years it's been going on, with better times and worse times, and I'm beginning to despair. I read that fan fic "friends forever?" and I could kinda relate to it. Like I'd be in Mike's place and she'd be in Chester's. I saw her falling appart and I could do nothing but stand by and watch her. I offered her all the help I could give and it was not enough. She was in hospitals and she gets better for a while, but then it all comes back again. Problems with her family and issues with self estime... She's the one that always helped me with my problems, so to see her crumble like this is the greatest pain I have. Everyday I'm terrified of losing her. I don't know what else I can do to help her. Me and our other friends are totally lost in this and we're starting to get bad too. I'm dealing with depression now, I have therapy and all that thing, and other great friend of ours has self harmed too. We don't know how to deal with that. It's like we're a castle of cards, and when one falls down we all fall. I'd give anything to make it all better again. I'd give anything to make her feel better about herself and what surrounds her. Everytime she does something bad to herself, she's killing me too. I'm glad you guys were able to stop it. Sometimes people don't realise how much they hurt the people that love them. She knows that she hurts us, her friends, too much, and she always asks for our forgiveness after she's done it... but in the time of pain, she can't think of anything else but getting rid of it. This last year was a good one for her, and I think she's getting better, and I'm glad about it. It's just that the weight of all the other years it's heavy on my head. And I still worry constantly about her... Sometimes she just is unstable and snaps... I'm always so terrified...

Well, I hope your lives get better soon. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate in PMing me.