JammerG's Jornal

[JammerG]

lmao ! its nearly autumn ! ! ! ! but then it comes winter.

 

Hey guys just letting you know how cold it is here... Ravyn has two of everything on and is still cold... put three blankets on her and she already has two blankets on.... Crazy or what...

 

Anyway I think you are all crazy, just like me... hehehe. So yeah it is 2 minutes to 3 am here in Australia. Ravyn is asleep lulled by my poetry... do you want some hold on I will grab one for you

 

This one is called

 

SMELL

 

I love the smell of laundry as it's taken off the line

The freshness of the sun and wind, a deep breath every time

 

I love the smell of babies when they wake up in the morn.

They have a newness that stays for months aft' they've been born.

 

I love the smell of sweet pea blossoms in the autumnal fall

Their subtle scents are enough to give your mind a whirl.

 

I love the smell of summer, the dry crackling heat,

Or the salty ozone when relaxing on the beach.

 

I love the smell of breakfast, late morning on a Sunday

Laying here reading papers until "Its ready!" you say

 

I love the smell of spring with new leaves shooting everywhere.

The breeze still chilled with winter, playing with your hair.

 

With all the scents and perfumes, aromas and smells around

I'm glad that I have a nose, for all the pleasure I have found.

 

Jammer

There are others I have over one hundred poems...

 

Anyway Ravyn snores really loudly

Think of a chainsaw and throw a blanket over the top of it. hehehe

*Jammer looks over her shoulder at the sleeping Ravyn* Just kidding about the snoring...

 

Anyway might go open up a thread somewhere and post my love poems...

 

Be good to you good bad selves and remember what Mikey says:

 

"wITHOUT A COAT

[misery]

Hey, cool poem

I noticed your poetry journal thing in the writers place, I'll have to check that out too

[twilightcrimson7]

that was a sweet poem!!!!!!! I shall go check your thread out

^_^ take care

[stupidsoul1]

HAHAAHA that was really funny!!

 

i hope u get ur package soon!!

[JammerG]

HAHAAHA that was really funny!!

 

i hope u get ur package soon!!

 

Hey honey I am glad you liked it. I have posted another four poems since the early hours this morning.

 

Let me know what you think.

 

Take care y'all

 

Jammer (Jeanne)

[stupidsoul1]

awesome! where did you post them?

[JammerG]

Hey Babe Posted at writers corner... jammer's poetry Journal

 

Take care Y'all

 

Anyway it is lunch time and it is my first day at work...

Miss you Ravyn..

Anyway I am officially restoring the resources room to a state of efficiency and updating and re organising book and other forms of media into a workable system.

 

Am enjoying it but doesn't give me much time for anything else.

so if I get the chance will update tonight at home.

 

see you all later

 

And as Mikey says "Without a Coat!!!"

[Ravynlee]

*Burst out laughing* BE-ATCH! Tellin the world I snore like a chainsaw... actually, I consider it an insult. I'd think the approach of a harrier jet would probably be more appropriate. But I joke of course. If you think that's bad, you should hear me after a hard night on the grog... I swear, the people in Afghanistan can hear me... *laughs hysterically... then rolls eyes*

 

And you waiting on your pack. Please. I've been waiting since last month (technically the start of this one) and I still don't have mine. If you get yours first I'm swimming to America and kickin' someone's ass. Watch me! *growls determinedly* I can't wait. But it's kind of like a pregnancy now. After the initial hype dies down you have that period of waiting and waiting and waiting and I'm like, 'God! Enough already! Just get here! Dagnammit!' Of course, when the blissful day arrives I'll need a crowbar to unlock the dumbassed grin off my face so I can y'know, eat and stuff, but it feels like THE LONGEST WAIT OF MY DAMNED LIFE! *sobs* I'm so impatient... I know. I have issues. Oh lord, how I have issues... don't get me started. However, ask Jammer, she'll gladly fill you in. She knows me well enough by now *s******s* Bet she rues the day she moved in... *muahahaha <--- evil cackle* Nah, it's a blast.

 

Yeah, I know your poetry. Some of it is quite unreal. Very visual. Have you plugged PL yet to the uninititiated? May be an idea. Glad you've posted them for a new audience. Your poems are your voice and creative outlet like my fics are to me. All you need to do now is write more... hehehe, if I can ever get you off fics with me. (It's a drug, innit? Lovin' it! Yeah... even Hallmark has it's moments... the yacht scene, to name one in particular *another evil cackle* Man, THEY are reality to me, like this place, not "RL" *scoffs indignantly*) Anyway. I need to go now and post in my own.

Love ya Hon... uh, need I say the usual sister-platonic-strictly-hetro-blah-blah kinda way? Kinda over that now, arent we? I agree. Take care. And even though you're like 5 metres away (and on the other side of the wall) as I type this, I'll say Goodnight to you here. Give you a smile when you read this in the daylight hours, if nothing else. Sweet dreams. See ya... well, everyday! "Woo-Hoo!" (aka, Homer Simpson cry)

 

BTW, remind me we need to rework your sig. Mikey needs to Step Up. Joe needs to step aside. Rob can stay with me. We'll just work on Mike tomorrow, huh? Sweet... ok, buh-bye for now.

-Rav

 

(P.S. I sure could go for a BourBenn right about now *s******s*)

[stupidsoul1]

lmao how exciting

congrats on ur first day of work

[JammerG]

Hey all am at work having a quick lunch with Meg, and then getting back to work on the resource room... If anyone around the place is a librarian let me know... hehehe... Librarian's liking Linkin Park... Would love to see that!!!!

 

bye for now gotta eat

[misery]

Have fun at work, lol. If that's possible..

 

See you later

[woodyloveslinkin]

hehehe if possible. yeah have "fun"

[JammerG]

Hey Misery, Hey Woody, *Jammer Raises hand and waves at the computer smiling inanely (More like insanely) at the screen without realising she is doing it.

 

We are having a party here tonight, Me and Ravyn... Am part way smashed already, am happy though the best way to be... Hey have Green Ginger Wine - Hey don't knowck it until you try it... with lemonade, It Bumps!!!

 

Work was good Yesterday (Thursday) and the day before that Ravyn and I gave blood at the Red Cross (Ravyn has been giving blood for a while and the nurse hit scar tissue casuing Ravyn to bleed and bleed. Now her arm has a big bruise... but the fair Ravyn bruises easily anyway... Not me big toughy...

 

I have more news - Drumroll Please Rob!!!

 

I have joined the University Fitness Challenge!!! I get my pic in the paper I think next week. I am at the moment 86.5 KG don't know in pounds. I have the metabolic rate of a 50 year old (Fuck never thought I was that unfit) and I need to drink a minimum of three litres of water a day. (I am swiming in it up to my eyeballs) It is so hard. One thing I have worked out is that Ravyn's scales are wrong... so I am one happy chicy Babe!!! I am in the 80's... When I moved in I was in the 90's. Scary shit... any way the fitness challenge raises funds for the childrens ward at the public hospital and I have to raise a minimum of $50.00 to compete.. I got my first sponser the other day!!! so I am on my way...

 

I am trying to lose 6 - 12 Kg in 6 - 8 weeks. wish me luck. hehehe

 

Ravyn and I have started our editing Sundays again, where we sit down and read what the other person has been writing. The catch is we have it all printed out and we take it to Mcdonalds and have it with Hot Chocolate from McCafe!!! at around 6.00 am in the morning... LMAO...

 

Can't wait for Sunday!!

 

I had a real bad week this last week apart from all the shit I am going through with my husband (On that front things are going good I see my babies tomorrow) I found out My Mum had her Breast removed becaquse of cancer. My younger sister may have Bowel cancer and my Dad started drinking again (25 years since he had touched the booze). So shity hit the ceiling, the walls, the windows, the lounge, the fridge, You get what I mean... So was bummed out.

 

But then I have also began working on a comic to be published (With The delightful Ravyn's help) the comic is about depression the signs, the emotions, etc. I am doing it in co-operation with the Indigenous Mental Health Unit. Man this is like so cool...

 

Any way am enjoyign Lime and black pepper Red Rock Deli Chips and BBQ Salsa... I am feeling pissy and I am thinking about going and pasting in everyone else's journals...

 

So Good eve to ye all and be jolly and merry and have some old fashioned fun. I am it is called relaxing n the net... and litening to LP instumental... won't explain too pissed... ask ravyn in her journal.

 

Waffled on enough I think ( Pissed) well that's my excuse anyway..

 

Take care Y'all!!!

[Ravynlee]

Hey darl,

So much for the party, must've got the word out too late, you're in bed and I'm here at LPF and it's just after 10pm... man, I'd hate to admit it but I think you n me b gettin' old *s******s* Uh... having said that, I think it helps to have slept well prior (my 3:30am-5:45am sleep this morning does NOT constitute as a good night's sleep, but I'm not complaining like, hehehe) and not to have included alcohol in the mix either. Drinking half a 'vase' of wine to half mixer isn't a standard drink and it's not water... of which we've been both drowning, I mean, drinking lots plenty as of late, yuh? Well, have to be doing something right I guess. Of course my scales are wrong... but makes me smile. It's like a lucky dip. If your weight is higher than it actually is then in my opinion it gives you more of a reason to strive, right? I dunno... I'm looking at the glass not quite half full or even metaphorically half empty, I'm probably questioning the validity of the vase's existence to begin with (damn philosophy, alters your entire perception on life! *s******s*) so, y'know...

 

But like he-who-shall-not-be-named-says, "It's all good..."

 

As for the whole editing Sunday business. Okay, but there's a problem. One, since I've been mostly typing your handwritten stuff as of late I haven't had time to write my own, and when I do I'm distracted like you used to be (OMFG, it's like our roles have shifted! Enjoying what used to be my existence? Mad, innit? *grins* It's amusing when ppl think you're crazy, has it's perks at least) And at this rate you're not gonna have anything to read from me. Two, where are you supposed to find the time to type all of what you've got while I'm supposed to be on the computer simultaneously, typing my parts that you're not supposed to see yet?? Hmm?!? It may end up being next Sunday at this rate... we'll see. Personally, I can't wait for... what FFic number are we up to now? This is technically JRLPFF#10. Hehehe, so yeah, 11. Woo-hoo!

 

"Hi. My Name's Ravyn and I'm a Linkin Park Fan Fic addict." (There's a collective chorus of "Hi, Ravyn.") *Clears throat expectantly* "Um, I'm also addicted to Rob 'I like to the band the shit out of drums' Bourdon... (there's appreciative nods throughout the congregation) and um... well, I'm also addicted to chocolate. If I can find a way to incorporate all three I believe I'll have the ingredients to find my own Utopian Paradise... Oh, and I also have a Narcissistic Diety Complex... and well, I like to type these really long pointless spiels over at LPF and-"

 

Yeah, that was fun giving blood with you. Even though you nearly collapsed once you got home... some friend I am, huh? *s******s* Yeah, ppl probably do think I'm on drugs, but hey, the bruise is MAD! so it's kinda worth it for the moment. It gives me lisence to run-amok and behave all weird like, then I'll just say I'm a druggo and ppl should probably leave us both alone then... *pauses* Hey, just had an amusing thought. Apart from the fact that was probably the last straw as far as the neighbours are concerned (which is why they're leaving) You're seeing your ex tomorrow huh? And what did he call me (among other colourful things to do with my currently non-existant sexuality??) A drug addict? He's gonna take one look at my arm and think... well, you know. *Laffs* Idjit.

 

Yeah, you'll do good with the weight loss thing now you don't have other unmentionable distractions (won't mention the name) and considering how quickly the weights dropping off us both now after all this water we're guzzling. Wow. May I never tease Robbie again for being such a square with his water fetish *laffs* and may we never get sued for quoting Adam Sandler so much in his movie aptly named 'The Waterboy.' "Dat girl be the Debbil!" *laffs again* We just have to avoid the temptations in which we indulged today *tsk-tsk* and keep walking. And back to situps. Dang. It's too much like hard work for this lazy gal *sigh*

 

I know you're worried about your family but hopefully things will work out well. Your sister's a fighter, that's for sure, and she had to get it from somewhere (avoiding the obviousness that your old man used to literally be a fighter as a profession, like, 'Du'oh!') but my point is all you guys seem tough. In a nice way, a nice way *sheesh!* (Man, I'm starting to empathise with Rob and his 'normal' speach in Hallmark *s******s*) I'm just shutting the hell up now!

 

Ok, I'm tired. Gonna go post around and catch up again in like... 8hrs. See you then. Literally! Hehehe! (How awesome's that?!?) I know, kinda makes these long posts redundant but, hey... I'd hate for you to think I was ignoring you or something, hehehe. See you L8R Jam-Jam. Sweet dreams.

-Rav and Rob... err, I mean, Zed, Zed! Hehehe... *s******s*

[misery]

Hey there! Hope you had fun partying, even though judging by Ravyn's post it didn't last to long

Good luck with your fitness training

Sorry to hear about your parents.. that has to suck.. best of wishes to you guys

So long for now!

[JammerG]

Hey there! Hope you had fun partying, even though judging by Ravyn's post it didn't last to long

Good luck with your fitness training

Sorry to hear about your parents.. that has to suck.. best of wishes to you guys

So long for now!

 

Hey Misery...

 

Hope all is well. Things are on the up and up here. Drinking Ginger Vases as I have started calling them (Approximately 750 ml Glass - a Mug). am up to second tonight hehehe, see how long I last tonight. Well people I have some news

 

I saw my children today!!!

 

They are all fine. I love them very much and have missed them all heaps. Luxor the kitten, well cat has grown even more. He is a huge well loved pussy-gato. And all my fish have survived. My Molly had 12 babies so my children tell me. And once they are in their tank and it is all set up then I want to get some new Mollies, and a few Zebra Danios, the long ones with the beautiful fins and tails. My Gory, (Peppered) was an inch when I first brought him. He is almost four inches long now... Sic!!!

 

Now my husband ( I will leave it at that for now) is, already starting to push. He wants me to come and stay there and be with them all and be a family again. Sorry I need time to myself to do things that I want to do. So Wow he got a bit upset when I wouldn't give him a big hug or a kiss. Just couldn't do the intimate thing. But I cried, I just have all the shit from my shitty childhood to sort out. Everytime a male touches me I see my Mom's Dad's face. Old Molestering bastard!!! Glad he died from his whole body being riddled with cancer!!! He fucking deserved it. I just wish he had been in pain!!! Old Gangrenous poofter wanking Unt (Cunts are useful and this Unt wasn't). Calm down Jammer. Calm down.

 

I know Russell isn't to blame but the thought of intamacy with a man andy man right now has me dry retching. So yeah fighting demons so to speak at the moment.

 

I got to drive my car today. Fuck I have missed my car so much. I would love a day of cruising around in the car. My Hyundai Excel Twin Cam Sports, Yeah I love cruising in my car... Ask Ravyn a couple of times we have had little spontaneous outings. just spur of the minute things... hehehe!!

 

Anyway. My children are all ok. but their dad needs to work out what he wants. I am not going back to be trodden on again. Fuck it I have my own life to lead!!!

 

Now to the more Important things

 

What am I wearing: NOTHING SEXY!!!

 

What am I listening to: LINKIN PARK LIVE IN TEXAS DVD.

 

What have I eaten: An omlette and lime and black pepper chips.

 

What am I Drinking: GINGER VASES!!!

 

My thoughts: You have read some of them. Am hoping that I don't dream anymore about Mikey Schnizzle chopping off my head with a Samuri Sword. I would rather have something nice like Dancing with Brad... or Joe or Mike for that matter. and the song would be Mario's Let me Love you!!! good slow sexy song. Leave me to my dreams... I can dream can't I... Though Billy Joe from greenday isn't bad on a good day (jammer is almost pissing herself laughing as she says this) S******s nastily...

 

Anyway getting a bit pissy now. and would rather get off the subject before my mind lands in the gutter with Big Bad Brad. Yes I have finally asked Mr Hahn to step down... am working on a new sig... Let us wait and see what it turns into... Something Hybrid... Knowing my liking for nice guys.

 

Anyway waffling shit now so am going to post in some one elses journal. Brad is starting to pull me down.

 

Bye Good night and Take Care Y'all!!! And Remember what Mr Shinoda says:

 

Without a coat!!!

[misery]

That's awesome that you got to see your kids again. Glad they are doing well

It's very understandable that you wouldn't give your husband a hug or anything after what he's put you through.

Cruising is fun. Except I'm not old enough so I have to cruise with my parents.. lmao. It's hard to be cool when you have your dad sitting next to you telling you when to turn.

Well, so long for now

[twilightcrimson7]

I"m glad you got to see your children! I bet you missed them! I know it would hurt me. Your husband dude does not deserve anything from you! so what if he's mad!? thats why he doesn't deserve you. and as for your childhood....I guess, don't forget, but don't dwell on it either. shit happnes...alot of shitty shit. But as Chester says, the past makes you who you are and it makes you strong! Now what matters is what lies ahead...

good luck with everything, Jammer! *hugs*

[stupidsoul1]

I SAY HIT HIM WITH A FISH!! those really huge ones......*thwack!*

bah humbug......

 

so happy you got to see your kids =)

thats so cool ^_______________^

[woodyloveslinkin]

**steals a big fish from the sydney fish markets**

[Ravynlee]

Hey Hon,

Just me. Hit him with a fish?? I know you and you love fish, almost in a weird Troy McClure (anyone who watches the cartoon series The Simpsons will get the joke) kinda way, and you'd rather hit him with something other than a fish. Having said that, I know you're bummed a bit by y'know-who, but here's something to help cheer you up! (Let's just call it payback for the Mike post in my journal *insert evil laughter here* Muahahaha)

 

P.S. Glad at least you got to see kids, fish and cat. Everything else I've already said to you face to face and doesn't need repeating (honestly, it's my delivery, isn't it?? *laffs*) And glad to see you're chilling today and relaxing like you deserve. Can't wait to read what you've written and to one day feel inspired like that again *sigh* F'n Hallmark... there's a reason we call it fiction, y'know that, don't ya? Cause like I said earlier, ppl by their very nature can't be happy for great lengths of time. We get bored and need drama. If you think I'm a liar, take Days of Our Lives off TV and watch housewives go on a murderous rampage... *s******s* Anhoo, I digress. Here y'are... take care, talk to ya later.

-Rav

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

um...no..i stole it from the sydney fish markets then....ran over to fiona's place...and....hit....her....

[JammerG]

Hey Guys... Fucking drama's again

 

Went over today... Monday to visit. got there started playing with kids, just mucking round the kitchen table. Russell came out I had said hello. I got nothing back in the way of greeting. He looked sick. I asked if there was anything I could do. He didn't say anything. I looked into his eyes.

What I saw scared the piss out of me. The anger and hate in his eyes were freaky to the stage where his beautiful geen/hazel eyes were Yellow. I was freaked right out. I said we would have to pull the tent down. (I put it up on Saturday cpz they wanted a cubby house to play in. only takes five minutes to put up). Russell was very non committal. I tried smiling being positive when inside I'm going "Is he going to let me leave?" I was scared and worried about the kids. I found out that they don't even have electricity and they have no hot water, They are living on take away. I know that it seems petty but I am worried about my babies. I have offered for the kids to come have showers and dinner. Russell says no. They all have colds. Russell won't give them extra blankets to keep warm. The owner said that if the power can't be fixed up tomorrow (Some electrical fault) then they will have to go somewhere else. Anyway:

They were playing with sticky tape and were starting to get carried away with it. I said enough was enough and Russell goes off the deep end and picks it up and yells at the kids and throws the tape.

It freaked me out. Because of the Interim Custody order I cannot reprimand the kids, but the way he went off scared the shit out of me. i got my gear and walked out. I don't have to put up with that shit. I can't do anything about so why should I stay there and put up with it. He is yelling at me as I walk out the door. My kids are crying. I want to take my kids. I am so confused.

As I am walking home he drives along with the kids in the car yelling abuse. Telling me to stop running away and to grow up.

I rang the police, to see if there was anything that could be done. They are refering it to the Juvenile aid bureau. I love my kids and so want everything to be right. But I am not going back to him, I don't think I will ever go back.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I am thinking about giving up the battle to get them. My heart is breaking but it just seems to hard. I don't want to fight. I just want to live peacefully and know that when I do die I have made the right decision.

Three things come to mind tonight about my husband that now I fully believe:

 

One: The lyrics of the Reanimation version of pushing me away aka P5hng Me A*wy have convinced me of what I saw in his eyes. It hit me tonight as we watched Linkin Park Live in Texas

 

"When I look into your eyes there’s nothing there to see

Nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me."

 

I saw this today but I didn't realise it.

 

Two: I lived for years thinking it was me and hoping that things would get better.

 

I’ve tried, like you, to do everything you wanted to

This is the last time

That I’ll take the blame for the sake of being with you

 

Three: He is still looking at himself and not seeing the full picture. He can't possibly see what I need apart from him and his wants and needs.

 

Why I stay

When you just push away

No matter what you see

You’re still so blind to me.

 

Like I say, Linkin Park's Lyrics have started to influence me in many ways. I am mainly growing stronger and working towards a better future for myself (and hopefully my children).

 

I have some other news of which I am not proud of. Today took such a toll I finally broke down and had not one but two cigarettes. (Fuck things are getting really bad when that happens) I can't seem to find any other way than walking or eating. I am getting tired of doing both.

 

I am going to gym tomorrow to work out and then I am having a Yarn with Yarn... My councellor. Hope work don't mind. but I am going to need it.

 

Take care Y'all.

[Friðbjörn]

Wow, I'd be worried about the kids too if I were you.

That with P5hng me a*wy lyrics, when I read it, I kinda felt the magic of it.

Wow, I can't describe it really

[JammerG]

Hey everyone am awake and posting so be careful coz I am on the prowl, Am posting a heap of new poetry that I have written early hours of Tuesday morning since I made the decision which will in effect change my life for the next eleven years.

 

News Flash News Flash News Flash

 

After what happened on Monday I had to work out what I thought would be best for me and best for my children and for their father. I believe he can care for them. Give them the love and understanding that they need. I love them but the situation I was being pulled into by my husband (wanting me to move back in the day they moved) is not why I came to Toowoomba.

 

When I first walked out I had grand plans of fighting for joint custody of the children so I could see them regularly, so I could give them all that I was able to. As well as work, continue my studies (so I get a better job than just cooking), do the things I have been wanting to do for so long, I wanted to sort out what I really want in my relationship with my husband.

 

I decided it Monday afternoon (Read the Monday post) and had sleepless nights thinking that only I could make the decision no one else could do it. So now this is what I have decided:

 

1. I am giving my husband full custody of the children to my husband until they turn 16. Until that time I will support them financially in anyway I possibly can.

 

WTF: The Psychological trauma we were all put through as individuals from my husband's antics on Monday cemented this decision (Read Monday's Post) I don't want to have them coming to me at my place and saying Daddy lets us do this or daddy got us that, or that's not fair Dad would let me go here by myself etc. I could not handle the trauma of seeing him after I saw such hatred in his eyes on Monday when I arrived. I could not handle the trauma of him ringing me up after the kids got home and making a big deal out of petty shit.

 

I don't ask for his anger, I went their positve and happy to see them all, including my husband but I was feeling intimidated and scared by the time I left.

 

2. At the age of 16 they can legally make up their mind where they want to live and what kind of life they wish to have.

 

At that age I no longer pay maitenance and neither will their father. If he hasn't fucked their brains completely by then they should be ok young adults. But the only way I would have my children now was if I was awarded full and total custody. We all know that would be virtually impossilbe, him being Mr Psychologist and all.

 

3, The only way I am ever going to get anywhere is to work and study really hard.

 

For that I can't be worried about other things happening. (albeit, if there was severe illness, accident etc, I would face him then and only then, just to be there for my child).

 

4. I now have independence and I don't have to answer to anybody bar myself!!!

So, that is what has been happening in my neck of the woods...

 

Oh I got psychiatrically Evaluated today, and I am proud to say I am normal!!!

 

My Psychiatrist is going to give me a certificate of sanity and stability... Just to show the courts that I am not the wacko that my husband paints me.

 

So JammerG is just your everyday human being... Who likes Linkin Park...

Pretty damn unique if you ask me...

Oh and a little more news... I had my last councelling session with my psychologist yesterday. He doesn't believe I need councelling any more...

 

So guys take care and be good to your good bad selves...

 

Hey Ravyn, Thanks you so much for your support and for being so nuetral through all that has been happening. Am crying coz I disappointed you and started smoking again. Sorry honey. bit of a loser after all I guess

 

Love you Jammer.