The Joke Thread

[Spike_1412]

Post your jokes here.

RULES!

1. NO Rude/sexual jokes

2. NO Racist jokes

3. NO "yo mama" jokes.

4. If you post in this thread, it MUST be a joke.

5. the rules MUST be followed.

 

This thread will be monitored by the Mods. You have been warned

 

The Joke

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

 

They put his left leg in....

 

Well, you know the rest.

[shahfire]

great one spike 1412.

man : what does one million dollars mean to u?

god: one cent

man: what does one million years mean to u?

god : one second

man: god, could u give me one cent

god: just a second .

[buy_myslf]

hehe that was good

[KillMeImIrish]

.. i dont get it.

 

anyways. here's mine... well, no. you've all probably already heard it... ok, here's another one.

 

Confucious (sp?) once said "he who stands on toilet is high on pot."

 

-dies- oh man. that one gets me every time!

[MrRandomGuy]

an old lady leaned over at church and said to her friend "my bum's asleep"

her friend leaned over and replied "i know, i've heard it snore twice"

[KillMeImIrish]

^ ok. definitely got that one. that one made me laugh.

[NoEnd]

this lady was at the hospital having her 12th child.

Nurse "what do you want to call him"

Lady "phil"

Nurse "but you called the last 11 phil"

Lady "yeah its great. when i say phil go clean your room they all go clean their rooms and when i say phil come to dinner they all come at the same time"

Nurse "what if you only want one of them"

Lady "oh, then i call them by their last name"

[4everLP_Shinoda]

hahaha nice one Noend.

 

Ok so I was bored,and I surf into the net and I found this joke,i think it was funny,here it is:

 

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.

 

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

 

If it´s mean or it does not aply 2 the rules then let me know and I will delete it.

[KillMeImIrish]

this lady was at the hospital having her 12th child.

Nurse "what do you want to call him"

Lady "phil"

Nurse "but you called the last 11 phil"

Lady "yeah its great. when i say phil go clean your room they all go clean their rooms and when i say phil come to dinner they all come at the same time"

Nurse "what if you only want one of them"

Lady "oh, then i call them by their last name"

 

ahahaksjugsadgahhahaha.. oh my god! siayrsahhahahha

[Vash_the_Stampede]

LMFAO! That's funny...

[MrRandomGuy]

these two guys walked into a bar and the third one ducked

[Xero_]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.Luckily the babies are ok.The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into yhe room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out"replies the daughter.The mother tells her it's ok and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee when this bullet came out" replies the daughter.The mother explains her what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's ok" says the mom "I know what happened you where having a pee and a bullet came out"

''No" says the boy. " I was jerking off and I shot the dog"

[KillMeImIrish]

^^ omg!!! that is hilarious!!! ahhhh...

[MrRandomGuy]

a woman went to a preacher one day and told him that she's been having trouble and she doesn't know what to do.

 

so the preacher said everytime you find yourself in these situations, say "Acts 2 38"

 

she thanked him and went on her way.

 

About halfway home, she spotted two guys, she knew they meant trouble, so she started whispering "Acts 2 38, Acts 2 38"

 

One of them ran up to her and snatched her purse and she screamed "ACTS TWO THIRTY EIGHT"

 

The stunned robber gave back the purse to the woman, the other guy looked at him and asked why he had done that.

 

he replied "Man, that woman's crazy, she has an ax and two .38's"

[pprkuttheory]

xero.... thats awesome

 

 

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Damn, why are you drinking so fast?"

 

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

 

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

 

The guy says, "75 cents."

[KillMeImIrish]

i dont get it..-_-

[azemkamikaze03]

Aight...this one i like

 

 

There some jewish kid. He comes home one day and says "Papa would u mind if i make a valentinesday card for some one"

the dad says" now son u know we dont care for valentines day. But who is it for?"

The boys looks towards the ground and says "Osama Bin Laden"

The father is outraged and asks "Why would u wanna give him anything good"

"Well papa, I figured that if i sent him a card then then maybe more kids will send him a card. And then maybe just maybe he would come out of hiding and lead a good harmless life. And then when he come out of hiding and is in the public...We can blast that motherfucker's ass to hell!"

[4everLP_Shinoda]

hahaha nice one Azem,and Xero that joke was hilarious.

[Victim]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

 

 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion

for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an

embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met

a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would

marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the

marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme

sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his

birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her

that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way

home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked

beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk

he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.

It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and

before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

 

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he

felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed

somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most

wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a

blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the

table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was

beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was

about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again

made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she

went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the

opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was

not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time

breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about

him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came

on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel

engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he

tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would

dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon

winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a

minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

 

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells

he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top

of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when

his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if

he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not

peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

 

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated

around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

 

long but funny

 

 

 

Who is God?

 

(A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.)

Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman?

Father: Both, son, both.

(After a short while the boy comes back.)

Boy: Dad, is God black or white?

Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both.

(After another wait, the boy comes back again)

Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God?

 

 

 

(If this one breaks a rule.. I will take if off)

[misery]

Haha, I actually laughed out loud at your first one, Victim. That's awesome, lmao.

[MrRandomGuy]

ahaha, is god michael jackson

[KillMeImIrish]

ok, so i DEFINITELY had to bring this one up since i heard some pretty damn funny jokes last night. here's 4.

 

1. ok, so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. a guy asks him, "dude. why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replies, "ARRGG! it drives me NUTS!"

 

2. four men are golfing one day, and one is really bad. so he goes to get his ball out of the woods. while he's gone, the other 3 chat. one guys says "wow. you know, i'm really proud of my son. he used to be a horrible used car sales man. now he's the top car sales man in the nation! in fact, he just bought his friend 2 cars!" the other guy thinks to himself "i can't let this guy show me up!" so he says "yeah, well i'm pretty proud of my son, too. he used to be really bad at constuction and stuff, and now he designs some of the best houses in the nation. he just gave his friend a huge house in California!" the 3rd guy's thinking "geez! these guys are good!" so he says "well my son is better than both of your's. he was never really smart in school or anything, but he applied himself and went to Harvard. he's now the richest lawyer in the nation. he just recently gave his friend a $100,000 savings bond." they were pretty impressed. so the 4th guy comes walking up from retrieving his golf ball from the woods and has no idea what they've been talking about. so he asks, "so what did you guys talk about while i was gone?" and the men reply, "we were just discussing how proud we are of our sons." and the guy looks kind of disappointed. he says, "well, you know guys, i'm not really proud of my son at all. i'm really unhappy with the lifestyle he chose. he's gay. he hasn't really done anything with his life. but he must be doing pretty good. his last 3 boyfriends bought him 2 cars, a house, and a $100,000 savings bond." the other 3 guys are dumbfounded.

 

3. Bill Clinton, Hillary and George Bush are all in the same airplane. Hillary says she'll make 10 people happy by throwing ten $10 bills out of the plane. well, Clinton says he'll make 100 people happy by throwing 100 $1 bills out of the plane. well, George Bush said he'll make the whole Nation happy by throwing Bill Clinton out of the plane.

 

4. ok, these 3 guys are on the Island and the kind of the Island tells them to bring back 10 pieces of their favorite kind of fruit or he'll kill them. so the three guys are like, "um. this should be easy." the first guy comes up with apples and the king tells him that he has to shove all 10 in his mouth without laughing or making a funny face or he dies. the guy tries to shove the first one in his mouth and he makes a face, so the king kills him. the 2nd guy comes up and he's like "ok, i got this down!" he brand 10 small berries. 1..2...3..4..5..6.. and he BUSTS out laughing! so the king kills him. when the 2nd guy gets to heaven St. Peter asks him, "man, you were so far! why'd you laugh?" the guy replies "well, i was doing good until i saw the 3rd guy running up with pineapples!"

 

 

 

 

yep. thats all i got in me. i hope you read it all. cause they made me laugh so hard when i heard them..

[Victim]

^those are funny indeed..

 

-A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son"

 

 

 

-A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,

"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

 

 

 

-For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

 

 

 

-Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[MISS_JUSTYNA]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An

earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to

concede their

position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband

asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,

"in-laws."

[LP186]

Guy walks into a bar

bar tender tells him "mate theres a steering wheel sticking out of ur fly"

and the guy goes "yeh i know, its driving me nuts!!"