The Joke Thread

[o0SugaxNxSpice0o]

Grandma's Driving Experiance - I love this!

 

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if You Love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, “for the love of God, GO! GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach… I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Share Grandma’s letter with your friends.

[KillMeImIrish]

My friend told me this today..

 

A man walks into a bar and in his hands is a little model of a man playin the panio.. and another man sees this and asks the first man where he got it.. and the man said there is a genie out side granting wishes.. so the man walks out said and tells the genie he was 10,000,000 bucks and the genie gives him 10,000,000 ducks.. So this man walks back into the bar and says..I asked for 10,000,000 bucks and the genie gave me 10,000,000 ducks.. the first man turns to him and said.. Do you think I asked for a 12 in. pianaist?

 

 

Lemme know if you don't get it..

 

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! omg, i think i just pissed my pants! that was AWESOME! haha.. wow. great.

[Hyper]

The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

 

 

Red Sox Humor

 

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police. The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''

 

 

Husband, Wife & Mule

 

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule. They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone. The husband says, “That's one!”

They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again and the husband says, “That's two!”

Then the mule trips over a stone again. The husband says, “That's three,” and shoots the donkey!

The wife gets so mad and start's cursing at the husband and saying, “That was are only donkey! You were an idiot to shoot it!”

The husband says to his wife, that's ONE!”

 

A Father's Last Request

 

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

 

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

 

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

Which Hole?

 

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

 

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

 

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

 

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

 

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

 

She said, "I sell tampons."

 

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

 

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

 

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

 

 

With the Babysitter

 

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".

 

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."

 

 

That Must Be Painful

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

 

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

 

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

 

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

 

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

 

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

 

 

A Deep Breathe

 

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

 

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

 

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

 

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

 

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.

 

 

FROGS

 

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"

 

She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."

 

He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.

 

1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.

2. Put on a very sexy teddy.

3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

 

To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.

 

She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.

 

She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

 

So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."

 

After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

 

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

[NoEnd]

lmao. those were great

[LP186]

A bear and a rabbit r taking a shit in the woods

the bear turned to the rabbit and asked

"do u have a problem wit shit sticking to ur far?"

the rabbit said

"no"

so the bear wiped his ass wit the rabbit

 

i like that joke

[NoEnd]

a guy was going over to his girlfriend's house for dinner and went to pick up "something" on the way.

 

the guy went over to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for condoms.

the pharmacist asked "what size 8 10 or 12 pack."

the guy said "12 cause she's gonna want more after the first night"

the guy goes to the girls's house and sits down at the dinner table

he looks across at her father and asks to say grace

so he does but goes on forever so then everyone starts eating but he's still saying grace with his head down

the girl's like "i didnt know you were so religious"

the guy said "yeah and i didnt know your dad was the pharmacist"

[KillMeImIrish]

.... ok. so that one was good. it made me laugh.... really hard.. good one.

[i_love_mike_shinoda2]

Heres 2:

 

A girl goes up to her dad and askes "Daddy, why is my name Lily?" and her dad goes "Because a lily fell on your head when you were born"

His the next daughter goes up to her dad and askes "Daddy, why is my name Daisy?" and her dad says "Because a daisy fell on your head when you were born."

The son goes up to his dad and goes "Drrrrrrrrrrr" and the dad goes "Shut up Cementblock!"

 

A blonde goes into a barber shop to get her hair cut with headphones on. The stylist says "Miss, you are gonna have to take those headphones off" and the blonde goes "No Ill die!" So the stylist starts cutting her hair but is messing up really bad and again askes "Miss will you please take off your headphones?" and the blonde goes "No Ill die!" When the blonde isnt looking, the stylist takes them off. A few seconds later, the blonde is laying on the ground dead. She takes the head phones and listens to them. They say "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out"

[twilightcrimson7]

lol those were good. hehe

[azemkamikaze03]

Q: What does a bum call a dumpster.

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A: Bed and Breakfast.

[LP186]

For the guys.

 

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring

back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go

shopping--Love you!"

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and

the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,

"Son...what happened last night?"

 

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

 

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when

she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ..."Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

 

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.